He says it wont be ideal but we won't have a choice because how else will he pay his bills if I'm not helping him. I told him to sell the business and pay off the house and he said then I won't have anything to do so you will still have to move in. He doesn't have enough bedrooms for one and two, he can be extremely demanding of my time and energy as it is. He gets so emotional when I tell him no, so something like this how do I adress it? He says he'd rather commit suicide than move into an apartment that's based on income. My 13 year old son has already told me if I move in with him he is going to live with his dad and I can't have that! My kids come first. This is so much anxiety.

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Sorry dad, I can not move in. You are a grown man and if you can not afford to live in your house then you need to move and live within your means.

Repeat as required. If he tells you that he would rather commit suicide tell him that it sounds like he has a plan and disconnect the phone or walk away, that is manipulation and it should be called and never entertained.

Stick to your guns, your children are your responsibility not your childish dad.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Runlittlewolf Jun 16, 2020
The only problem is through out my life even as an adult ive always needed help and hes always helped. Bills, borrowing cars, sometimes needing money for kids stuff...of course it has been a few years since ive taken anything without paying him back but im afraid hell throw all that in my face.
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He does have something to do. Selling and moving is a job that will take time. Also he should spend time planning his other options for his future. Do not enable him by caving in
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Reply to MACinCT

You already have answered him - "No" is a complete sentence - and he is playing the "I'll commit suicide" card to manipulate you and that is unacceptable. If he again threatens suicide, call 911 and have him picked up by ambulance. That may "sober" him up a bit.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw

Isthisreallyreal, has a great answer.

You are not responsible for Dad. He is being emotionally abusive and you need to call him on it.

When he gets emotional, tell him sorry Dad but you have to find another way. I will not move in with you, and you cannot move in with me. Then hang up, walk away, disconnect from the conversation.

If possible check out therapy to help you deal with Dad and reinforce to your son that he comes first.

In my personal experience men who have poor coping skills will threaten suicide to get their way. My response to that threat is, I will call 911. If they mean it, they need mental health help. If they are bluffing you are calling their bluff and they will have to explain themselves to the authorities. Here when there is a 911 call regarding suicide attempts or threats, the police attend with the ambulance service.
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Reply to Tothill

The phrase "ha ha... no, we won't!" comes to mind.

Threatening suicide is a common way for people to manipulate others. Call he cops if he threatens it, and do not move in with him under any circumstances. He is using emotional blackmail, a very common abusive behaviour; and a GIGANTIC red flag that you must NOT move in with him. If he is abusing you now, it will get far worse if you live with him.

His failure to plan ahead for his own future is not your problem.
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Reply to ZippyZee

In regard to your dad reminding you of help he has given you in the past.
Remind him that you are in that spot now. You have children of your own to take care of and that’s your priority. He’s a young man relatively speaking. You will have plenty of time to pay him back when he’s in his Mid 80s to late 90s in helping him manage his finances and health care. Careful not to make promises you can’t keep about moving in etc.
You could be with him 30 yrs if you moved in with him now.
I want to second the suggestion that you seek therapy.
Your son at 13 threatening you he will leave is not a good dynamic. Not for him or your household.
Fingers crossed dad’s business picks up.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
Runlittlewolf Jun 16, 2020
Yes, thank you. I know everyone is right about that stuff. And as a parent i will forever provide for my children but once they are gone off to make thier own families i would not demand or expect any of thier time and money. Its my job to keep ME happy after they leave.
I am 70, DH 73. Your Dad is not old and should be finding ways to entertain himself once the country opens up again. I, also, see some mental problem here. First because he gets so emotional when you say No and the other that he threatens suicide. And the 13 yr old, he is seeing something in/with your Dad that he doesn't want to live with.

You need to set boundries now. Start little steps. The first being, "Dad, I will say this one more time, moving in with you or you with me is not going to happen. You need to get that out of your mind and start thinking of other options". If he sells the business and pays off the house he should have more money to live on. He now has to adjust to his circumstances. Hopefully, he will except that. Then you work on him expecting you to be there. Explain that you have 2 kids and a job. You only have so many hours in the day. Ten go to getting ready for work, commute and 8 1/2 hours of work. Then you come home to two children who need to be fed and probably are in extra curricular activities. After doing all that, its time for bed and the next day it starts all over again. You don't have time to be at his beck and call. At 71 if he has a business, he is capable of caring for himself. Not saying you shouldn't make time for him, maybe Sunday lunch out. Invite him for dinner but you do him no favor doing things for him. Your not his wife, your his daughter.
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Reply to JoAnn29

My step-FIL used to threaten suicide when he needed to manipulate my weak-minded MIL. Of course, we could see he was a jerk and too much of a narcissist to actually do it (and sorry to say there were times we wished he would follow through). My H and I have owned and worked in our own small business for 38 years through good years and bad. Your father is 71. I applaud him for working this long, but hopefully it's not because he's barely making it. If he could make a clear-eyed, non-emotional assessment he'd see he needs to tie up loose ends and close down this chapter. His whole identity is tied up in his business and he can't imagine life beyond it. On many occasions in the bad times we needed to step back and think deeply and unemotionally whether we needed to cut our losses and shut things down. Your dad needs someone who is not family to give him some perspective, like an accountant, who can crunch numbers and forecast how bad it can get so that he sees he needs to retire and clear up his debt and live within his means, with peace of mind and no stress.

I've helped my children financially and in many other ways, beyond normal parenthood. I did it voluntarily not expecting anything in return but gratitude and for my kids to not squander those opportunities and blessings. Your dad is in panic mode and can't make rational decisions, it seems. This is not your problem and you can't solve it for him. He is like a drowning person flailing his arms in terror and if you swim near him he will grab you and you will both drown. Don't let him move in. This is unsustainable. Do not lend him money (that's what banks are for). If he's maxxed out on loans, all the more reason not to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Neither are you responsible for his happiness. Much good wisdom and thoughts were provided. Please heed them. Unfortunately your father is a manipulative person. It's down right cruel for him to give you that horrible ultimatum of moving in or suicide. You can certainly help him in other ways, like pointing him to outside resources like if there is any free accounting help for small business owners from the Small Business Administration. Why didn't he apply for the PPP loan help from the government? We did. We're only 6 people. Also, what kind of business does he own? I get that you feel like you should help him because he helped you, but not in this situation. His business sounds like a black hole for money and he doesn't know boundaries. It is ok to put up boundaries for yourself. He's an adult and should be able to figure this out without dragging you into it. Maybe he can find a renter to help pay his mortgage (if he has one) or a subtenant for his business (we did this). I can only imagine the emotional stress and guilt you may be feeling, but covid lockdown did expose all the businesses that were already shaky, and his was one of them. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart that it is ok to keep a healthy distance.
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Reply to Geaton777
Runlittlewolf Jun 17, 2020
He owns a saddle tree business out right with no loans and no building payments. He only has to pay for supplies to build, his mortgage and his utilities and food. He would get 1000 in ssi which would be about 800 short of his mortgage and utilities. Even his car is paid off. I am barely making ends meet and he knows that. So he offers to give me extra money which i refuse because im afraid it will add to the you owe me factor. He never says that outright of course, its just implied. Like today i refused to let him help me with 150 dollars a month and he pleaded with tears for me to take it because he "lives for me" which really makes me feel the worse because i know he really does. He wants nothing to do with anyone else, wont associate with things like senior activities because thats for old people and benethe him. Or everyone is just too boring for him. Its really hard to be what he wants, he thinks that who i am when im with him is really who i am but its not, i just know to be agreeable with him so he thinks im perfect. Any time i wasnt agreeable he would get testy or sulk and the tears and depression would kick in for 3 or 4 days. And i hate to see him like that. I love him but he absolutely refuses to change anything. I did get him a dog, and that has helped quite a bit. But its not the same as human company. I know not to take any money from him again, and when this subject gets broached again, i will have to put my foot down. Its just a daunting thought. Thanks for all your advice.
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I have helped out my grown kids many times with either service, money or whatever they've needed to shore them up temporarily. I have given such things with NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

Your father is not old and he is being abusive and cruel. Growing up with a mother who threatened suicide almost daily as a way to 'control us'--that's a terrible thing to do. It affected me severely...and only until I was in my 30's did I stop feeling responsible for making her happy.

Your son at 13 is wiser that was I.

Dad is not old, not by a long shot and he can figure out his own life. Ruining yours and your kids' isn't the answer.

Good Luck. And maybe tell him that threatening to 'off' himself to get your attention is harmful to your kids' mental wellbeing.
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Reply to Midkid58

Many years ago, my mother informed me that since Assisted Living was so ridiculously expensive, that she & my dad would be moving in with ME & paying me rent every month. I IMMEDIATELY let her know that such a thing would NEVER be an option, period, and to please remove the idea from her mind. That was the kindest thing I could do for BOTH of us, because living together again would NEVER be an option in my lifetime. Once was more than enough.

No is a complete sentence. Let your father know that under NO circumstances will you and your children be moving in with him, that scenario just does not work for you. Period. Allow him to make other arrangements for his future and understand that you will NOT be his safety net here.

Otherwise, prepare to give up your life & your children's lives to your father's whims and desires.

Nip this nonsense in the bud NOW, before your anxiety gets SO bad that you cave in to his demands!

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1

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