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My mother was terribly abusive to me as a child. We talk but I am still angry with her. On the 24th, her neighbor called as mom was on her way to the hospital. Her heart is functioning at 24%, kidneys at 14% but improving cellulitis in her hand and sepsis and now DTs from decades of alchohol abuse. She was unable to find her words and was making zero sense yesterday so they thought she had a stroke. She would not cooperate to get a CT done so they sedated her... Now she won't wake up. I just found out I'm the POA, Guardian and Executor of the will. I don't know what anything means. I'm 2 states away.
Sorry for venting. I've hated her for years but I forgive her now. I don't want my mom to die.
Hi I'm Nina

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Hello Nina.

#1 None of this is your fault.
#2 Never be sorry for feeling what you feel, and this is a safe place to say it.
#3 Don't forget to breathe.

I don't want your mother to die, either. Of course I don't know her, but I think it would be a dreadful pity if she missed the chance to be forgiven by you.

The medical details don't sound good but they may not be as final as you fear. If she's experiencing alcohol withdrawal that severe, sedation could be the best treatment. Sepsis is bad news, but with the sedation they can be more aggressive fighting it. The cellulitis probably led to the sepsis, and will respond to the same treatment. The heart and kidney function will be monitored, and it sounds as if the hospital is providing you with regular updates.

What are your main questions? Have you tried writing a list?

Is the hospital asking you to make any decisions? - if they do that, they must give you support with understanding the information and weighing it up. They can't just dump everything on you.
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Welcome, Nina!

This must certainly be a shock to you; I'm sorry for the suddenness of all this bad news.

One of the more common scenarios we hear about on this board is this:
Abusive parent fails suddenly, estranged child feels obligated to drop everything, swoop in, quit job, home and family to care for an abusive parent.

When the smoke clears and the parent is allowed out of treatment, adult child takes parent home with them (or moves in with abusive parent) whereupon abusive parent continues to abuse. Only now adult child has no means of escape because they have chucked their apartment, job and loving family.

Don't let this be you.

The fact that your mother is in dire physical straits is NOT YOUR FAULT and not your problem to solve.

Keep in touch with the hospital via phone; a "boots on the ground visit" is a nice idea IF you can afford it and if you don't endanger your job by taking some time.

Get hold of the POA and other documents. You may be able to find an eldercare attorney who will give a free hour to review them and find out what they mean, what obligations and rights you have.

Discharge planning at the hospital starts planning "what's next" the minute a patient is admitted (that's the law in the US), so find that team and start talking with them.

Another scenario we often hear about is one in which the Social workers at the hospital make it sound like the adult child is obligated to provide care for the parent. You're not. You need to make this very clear to them. It seems that abused children are most vulnerable to folks saying " but if you loved your mom..."

My brothers and I loved mom dearly but none of us had the time, means or skill to care for her at home. She stayed in Independent Living, Assisted Living and a Nursing Home and she made the best of it.

So, no, "oh, just take mom home temporarily, we'll get you help". Nope, nada, nyet. Mom goes from Hospital to rehab to long term care facility.

I so hope that mom pulls through and that you get to have many more years with her as her daughter, not as her c are given.

((((Hugs))))))
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
Excellent advice. I've been through this and best for you to follow Barb's sound reasons for personal survival. Especially when you've survived parental abuse. No need to go through that again as an adult.

"They don't have to change. I can change" is my daily reminder of dealing with very difficult people in my life.
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Nina, welcome! You have come to an understanding and compassionate place.

Read what Barb said over and over and over again. I have nothing to add.

I only want to emphasize that you NOW tell the hospital social worker and discharge team that you are not available to become her caregiver! No way, no how!

You should have her evaluated for hospice; if the hospital does not have space to keep her then a nursing home or hospice house may work.

Do not let them talk you into providing her care.
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Ariadnee Jan 2022
This should be repeated-do not bring her into your personal living space. At. All. No way. No how.
"Do not let them talk you into providing her care".

Re-read Barb's advice-again.
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While your Mom is in the hospital, ask to see a Social Worker privately. The Social Worker should be able to answer all of your questions, and you will be able to talk about anything that might be unclear.
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How did you find out you are POA, guardian and Executor?

I think you need to talk to the Dr. overseeing her care and ask if Hospice should be brought in. If he says yes, OK it. I think ur Mom is probably in the dying process. The doctor can confirm this. You may want to also explain that you have been estranged and you have no idea how she stands financially. You will not be responsible for her care costs. You need to go there.

Forgiving is good for you but you don't have to forget. Do not let your emotions override making good informed decisions. POA means you are in charge of her finances and making decisions concerning her care. Your the second person who has mentioned guardianship with a POA on the forum. Guardianship usually means a Judge has been involved and the State. Your Mom may have said "in the case of guardianship I want my daughter" but a Judge still has to assign you and it can be contested. So at this point, I'd say you were POA which stops at death when the Executor of her will takes over.

So sorry you are going thru this. But with POA it will allow to make certain decisions. Its a good tool to have.
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People Have good advice on this forum . Does sound Like a stroke . power of attorney ability to use her money for her care, Bills , etc. I am Guessing You are her healthcare Proxy . She will Probably need to go to a rehab facility . Hospice is a great idea if she is In the dying process . Find a social worker you Can talk with .
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Read Barb's advice!! I worked in long term care admissions for years. Get in touch with the hospital social worker via phone immediately and get Mom evaluated for hospice/or short term rehab upon her direct discharge to one of those facilities. It is the job of the medical staff to "fix/cure" patients; it is the job of the social worker to get the patient's out of hospital as soon as is medically feasible and that planning starts the moment the patient walks into the hospital. DO NOT (yep... I'm shouting) let them guilt or talk you into taking your Mom into your space for one second. They will promise you it will only be for a day or two or until facility has a bed. Don't believe it .. the minute you sign her out she becomes the albatross around your neck. This is nothing to do with how your feel about your Mom and her past treatment of you. This has to do about you NOT sacrificing your life to become a caregiver. Given what you have described as her current condition, she needs care in a professionally structured environment.
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Nina123 Jan 2022
Thank you, she passed but you are correct. She was a narcissist. I would have let her ruin my future had I done that. She had already taken years of my life. Thank you
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POA - is a legal term for "power of attorney." There are 2 major kinds of POA, One gives you power to make financial decisions in event person can not. The other gives you power to make medical decisions on their behalf when they can not. Ask which type of POA you have been granted - sometimes you get both.

Guardian - is a legal term that makes you responsible for the care of another person. Usually you have to accept or apply for guardianship.

Executor of will - is legal term for the person who manages the assets of a person after he or she dies. The job is basically to pay bills and disburse funds to those who inherit after all bills are paid. This job only works if there is a will.

Basically, you now have to power to decide your mother's fate and her financial affairs.
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Dear Nina, welcome to the site. I hope these pointers will help you to use it fully. At the top right of the screen you will see ‘Care Topics’. Click on it, then use the alphabet list – eg click on S for Stroke and you will get lots of information on Stroke – and do the same thing for other terms.

At the top right of the screen, you will also see a magnifying glass symbol. In the box that comes up, type ‘abbreviations’, then find on the list any term you don’t quite understand – eg POA for Power of Attorney. There’s a lot of information on the site – hundreds of articles, old questions and old discussions – but sometimes it takes new members a while to find them in the beginning when they really need them.

Please remember that whatever you do, you can’t stop your mother from dying. It will happen to all of us. Do what you can without sacrificing your own life, but nothing you can do will keep anyone else alive. Very best wishes at a difficult time, Margaret
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All of the acronyms we use are very confusing to all n newcomers. We need to try to remember to share this link.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/common-caregiving-abbreviations-and-acronyms-435589.htm
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HI, thank you for all of your advice. My passed yesterday so. I will not need to be her caregiver. I just have to clean up the mess now. Best wishes to you all!
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Annabelle18 Jan 2022
Am sorry for your loss, even though the circumstances were challenging and trying. I would suggest making an appointment with an elder attorney to review all of the paperwork and the process of how to proceed. Atty can do zoom calls, so no need to travel extensively. But they can advise you as to which steps in what order and that way also, if there are complications, you already have someone on your 'team'.
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Nina, what a mercy you have both received! I am relieved for both of you that your mother didn't linger and suffer for weeks and months. It warms me to read that you've forgiven her. May you always have peace in your heart and total healing.
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Nina123 Jan 2022
I was thinking about that earlier. I just wasnt prepared, though I guess we never are. Not having her linger is a gift, I know it would have been terrible. I just wish I could have said good bye. One beautiful thing though, I had a Transplant group call me after she passed. I was able to donate her corneas, two people will regain their eyesight now because of her passing. I am so happy for them. This is good.
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I'm sorry for your loss Nina. It is a reprieve for both of you, though it may not altogether feel like that. We'll be here if you want us, hugs.
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Nina123 Jan 2022
Thank you, this sucks.
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Sorry for your loss
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Nina, first I’m sorry for your moms passing. Allow yourself time to grieve, hospice does have social worker and chaplains that you can reach out too. You forgave her past abuse, good for you, because that was for you, not her. Focus for now on getting things done that can’t be put off til later, when you’re over the shock.
take one day at a time and make a plan for things to be done. You can always come back here, to ask questions, vent or whatever your need may be. There are many participants on this forum that have good advice and have walked the long path of elderly care. We care!!! Liz
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you cannot just find out you're the POA and Guardian...you have to accept those positions, they aren't just thrust on you.
I see that she has passed. My condolences.
You are not even required to accept the position of executor, if you don't want it.
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Nina123 Jan 2022
She wrote up papers years ago, handed me a manilla envelope stating I was her will. I filed it away without looking. We were estranged on and off so I figured she wrote me out. I found the will and advanced directives and POA forms. That is how she did things. Now I'm the "representative " in a "non intervention" will and the sole beneficiary.
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Nina:
Very sorry for your loss but hope my message finds you comfort.
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Nina123 Jan 2022
I am sorry, I'm having a hard time navigating this forum. I have not seen your message. I will search for it.
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Is she in a coma and won't wake up? Do you know her wishes about end of life medical care? If she never discussed it with you, she may have a living will to explain her wishes. As her POA for medical decisions, you can speak with her doctors to make sure that they understand her wishes, and you also should respect them. Some people don't want to be kept on life support. POA ends when someone dies, and the role of executor of the will takes over. You'll have to learn a lot in a short time to handle all of your new roles. If she had an attorney, reach out to the attorney for help getting through this. If she didn't have an attorney, you might want to get one, if she has assets. Get an attorney in her state. All the best to you!
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Nina123 Jan 2022
HI, thank you. She passed on Saturday. I am stuck doing everything and struggling with my emotions. I've taken 2 weeks off from work to try and settle the estate. I'll be hiring a lawyer. She was a narcissist. So, I am now going back and forth with my emotions. The rest of the family wrote her off years ago. I cried all day yesterday and now I'm watching videos on narcissist. So it is helping some.
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NIna, so sorry for your loss. I am glad to hear you've retained a lawyer to guide you through the probate process.

((((Hugs)))))
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Nina
Im so sorry; cry, watch, do what helps
sending you love and hugs
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Nina,

So sorry for your loss. This is a very overwhelming time and you need to grieve. Such a shock for you.

I hope the lawyer can help prioritize the tasks you need to complete. Don't try to do everything at one time. Its too much.

Take care of yourself.
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Nina, glad you’re able to let go of the anger for your sake. You might want to call your county or state health department and ask for local resources. If your mom qualifies for hospice, it’s also a good resource.
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Hi, Nina, I am so sorry. I hope you will keep us updated. Your Mom, it seems, has not cared for her health, and she is quite ill now. Sepsis is something difficult to survive as it is system wide and it takes out the heart, the kidneys and the lungs one system at a time. Antibiotics are not working as well as they once did and many of us have built up resistance against them. If your Mom is non responsive and is on life support and has sepsis, and if she has designated you as her health care POA, you should try to get there if you are able. However, do know that in times of covid, and if it is at all involved you may not be able to see her.
You don't need to worry yet about being her executor. That all happens if she dies. If that happens you will enlist a Trust and Estate attorney in the area where Mom lives to help you probate her estate and distribute it. Try not to take every hurdle at once, because you won't make it over them all stacked up.
For today, your Mom is non responsive and won't even know you if you are there, so keep in touch with the doctors and stay up to date. I am sorry to tell you that she is in a very precarious position. The doctors will let you know when/if they see very little hope for survival, so listen to them.
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Nina, I'm glad I read through all the comments before responding. I'm sorry your mom passed. That was very quick and one day looking back you will see the blessing in that. But right now you have so much to process. Give yourself time.
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Sorry that your Mom passed, Nina. Please give yourself time to grieve. Don't be surprised if moments of grief hit you beyond your two week leave of absence. It's normal. Having forgiven your Mom will help you in the grieving process.

Glad to you that you are in contact with an attorney who will help you through the legal pathways.

Know that you are not alone and that you will come through this even stronger.
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It is horrible what your mother was like and I certainly understand why you would have no feelings for her, how could you? She sowed her abuse and now reaps what she sowed - as it should be. I don't know why she doesn't wake up but could it be a blessing in disguise - with her problems and personality and the abuse on you. Perhaps it is a way of giving you a chance to know a final outcome might be the best for both of you. You had every right to hate her and if you forgive her, that is good you can do that as not all of us could do that. As to the responsibilities you have had to take on, look at it a "business or job" that you are doing for someone who no longer is capable. Ask for help from an eldercare attorney (free consultation). You will find this job is not half as bad as it is made out to be. I have been a power of attorney for 28 years (now deceased) and to someone else for l5 years. I took care of everything from A to Z and found I not only learned a great deal (to my benefit for my life), but I enjoyed what I was doing. Do it and then move on to a new and happier life
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Better talk to an attorney who handles estates and elder law. They can help you figure out what to do first. So sorry about your mom. I’m so glad you are able to forgive her. I went through loosing my mom, husband and dad all within a couple years and was a caregiver for each of them as well as POA, executor etc. You learn a lot going through the process. I also attended GriefShare and went through counseling after loosing my husband to a brain tumor as it was very complicated grief and so much at once. I’d recommend counseling to help you navigate through your grief as well. God Bless.
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Nina123: I am so very sorry for your loss. Please accept my sincerest condolences. Make sure to take care of yourself. Hugs and love.
Llamalover47
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Nina:

See if you can find an Elder Law Attorney (in her area) and ask for an emergency consult; not sure if you'll be charged or not, but you really need clarity. Do you have a copy of the will? If not, who does? Or did her attorney contact you with your new job assignment?

From Legal Zoom:

A power of attorney (POA) authorizes someone else to handle certain matters, such as finances.

NOTE: Now that your mother has passed, be sure to contact the office in her county that issues death certificates. Each bank, credit union, insurance company or other involved party will want a copy in order to work with you.
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