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In the past I have dealt with much nastiness from my brother and sister in law regarding my parents - to the point of them calling law enforcement. I thought that we had mended the fences a bit, but my mom passed away yesterday in hospice. I was not there when she actually passed but was the last one in the family group to leave and thought I was last one to see her. I found out that my sister in law ( the one who had said some nasty stuff to mom in the past) went back down there without telling me or my dad. I was too tired to drive back but both of us would have went if someone else had driving. I am very angry that she was with my mom when she passed and my dad and I were not. It's like one upmanship anyway - like I will outdo you in things you do for parents. Interesting, if she did not mind us knowing she was there - she let the nurse call to tell me instead of her calling. I am so angry. She is not HER mom - she's my mother.
Has anyone had anything like this happen. I honestly do not trust anyone in my family anymore. This is just added to the intense pain that I feel.

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I too have/had SIL problems. Have never understood why. One SIL takes things upon herself.

First, not even the Doctors/Nurses can pinpoint when death will occur. It was really the Nurse's responsibility to call ur Dad and tell him that she/he felt that death was eminent. Your SIL may have just happened to be there when Mom passed. My Mom passed 20 min after my nephew and I had been there.

When my sister passed, a coworker was there. When my Mom found this out she said "OMG of all people, the one Donna disliked the most". She died at 9:25 we had left 2 hrs before. It happens.

I think you should let it go. It sounds like ur SIL is immature and needs to be the center of attention. Had an Aunt like this and she had no friends and not well liked by her nieces and nephews.

Dad is now the important one. You need to be there for him. He will need help getting everything together. If she tries to take over, quietly make her aware that Dad has a daughter. That you can handle things. Don't make a scene and don't complain to Dad.

When my Dad passed, my brother, SIL and I went to order flowers. My SIL took over. I allowed it until she was asking Mom about the flowers from the great-grandson. I then asked (I thought nicely) for the book because my daughter asked me to represent her in picking out my grandson's flowers. My SIL didn't talk to me the rest of the day.

So sorry for your loss. Take it a day at actime.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 10, 2019
Geeeez. JoAnn

Does she think she is being helpful by being a control freak? I actually had a friend who did this. Notice I used had, past tense. She lost all her friends too by trying to do everything her way.

It’s sad because they truly think they are only trying to help. Plus they view everyone else as inferior and can’t do what they can do. They end up chasing everyone off.
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Something is wrong with your SIL, not you. For some reason, she has a need that she thought she could fulfill this way. You don't want to react to her as that will fuel her fire. Have you heard the term "gray rock"? That's where you only say bland things to another person when you absolutely have to have contact with them. How's your day? Fine. Do you like what I picked to dress mother in for the funeral? It's fine.

You really have to bite your tongue around these people to keep from giving them the reaction, positive or negative, that they want. I'm so sorry for your loss - it makes dealing with these people ten times harder. It gets better.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 10, 2019
It’s true about getting harder with these people. Not only do they have to one up, some people thrive on being condescending to others. It’s sickening, isn’t it?

Great advice!
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I think you are avoiding your real grief and loss by this descent into "who saw her last". Quite honestly, that isn't a race, to see who sees someone dying last, and it surely isn't one that can be predicted. I can only suggest you get some help to get you through the real grief here. I really cannot identify with what you feel, nor can I understand it, quite honestly, but I know that you are in pain, and that is what grief is--honestly terrible pain. Some times there is no answer but time. But for me, forgiveness and moving on to a good life is the answer to most things. If this is a race to see "which of us is the best", it is very sad. I hope you are not letting this anger spill onto your father; he needs help and gentleness and loving thoughts to help him through his own grief. I am so very sorry for your loss.
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LivingSouth Dec 10, 2019
When my dad found out that she went, he said that he would have also went back to see her if he had known she was going. My sister in law brought up a very painful part of my mom's past a few years ago when my mom put up a boundary, and I just pray that she didn't bring this up to her in her final moments. I am not avoiding my grief at all - I just thought that these people would be considerate.
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Your feelings are understandable.

I do agree with Alva, that holding onto it isn't good. Maybe she went back to apologize for all the nasty things she said to your mother.

I remember when my MIL died one of my sisters-in-law watched as the nurses took her off the ventilator and she died. I thought it was bizarre, but she has to live with it, not me. MIL was already gone by the time I got into the room to say my good-byes.

Remember your mother. Mourn your mother. Allow yourself to grieve. Give yourself the time and space to feel sad. This is about you and your loss. Your SIL does not matter!!

May the memory of your mother be a blessing to you.
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LS, my heart goes out to you and your family about the loss of your mother. You must be feeling raw with grief.

I do not understand why your sister in law being with your mum at her death has triggered you? None of you knew that your Mum was going to die yesterday. How was it a betrayal, underhanded or insensitive that she was there when Mum passed? I know you and your Dad would have liked to be with your Mum when she died, but often people will wait to die after the family has left the bedside. I know my Granny waited until her birthday and once the family had left her bedside.

The next weeks and months are going to be hard, please take care of yourself and Dad.
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LivingSouth Dec 10, 2019
She did not bother to call us and tell us that she was within hours of death.
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Great big warm hug!

I am so sorry for your loss. May God grant you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.

The notes that your mom left for you are her way of loving you and telling you how very much you meant to her, that is such an amazing gift to leave for you. She obviously knew your heart towards her, don't give any head space to your SIL, she doesn't deserve any more from you.

I pray that you receive a sign from her letting you and dad know that she is not suffering any longer and that she will be waiting to hold you again.
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"You know the caregivers on here who have posted that another family member organized the funeral behind their back? Well this would not surprise me, despite the wishes." Based on that statement, I assume your mother did not want a service. What were her wishes?

Her body cannot be released to your brother and SIL. As her husband, your father controls this situation and decides what will be done for her whether cremation or burial.

Should your brother arrange and pay for a service that's his business and you and your dad are under no obligation to attend because your mother will already have been given the sendoff she wanted.
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LivingSouth Dec 10, 2019
Actually I am her POA
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I'm so sorry for your loss, LS.

I understand that there are hurts and angers in the past. I hope that you can get past them and grieve your mother's loss in peace.
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Sorry for the loss of your dear mother, Living South. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hugs to you!
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LivingSouth Dec 11, 2019
Thank you so much, trying to look after dad now.
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Does it really matter who was with your mother, now that she has passed away? You have far too much grief to work through over the coming days and weeks, why clutter it with anger over losing a round of one upmanship with your sister-in-law. It does take two to play that game.
Remember the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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shad250 Dec 14, 2019
SIL could have called her.
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