Heartbroken and then this... Has anyone had anything like this happen?

I think you are avoiding your real grief and loss by this descent into "who saw her last". Quite honestly, that isn't a race, to see who sees someone dying last, and it surely isn't one that can be predicted. I can only suggest you get some help to get you through the real grief here. I really cannot identify with what you feel, nor can I understand it, quite honestly, but I know that you are in pain, and that is what grief is--honestly terrible pain. Some times there is no answer but time. But for me, forgiveness and moving on to a good life is the answer to most things. If this is a race to see "which of us is the best", it is very sad. I hope you are not letting this anger spill onto your father; he needs help and gentleness and loving thoughts to help him through his own grief. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Your feelings are understandable.

I do agree with Alva, that holding onto it isn't good. Maybe she went back to apologize for all the nasty things she said to your mother.

I remember when my MIL died one of my sisters-in-law watched as the nurses took her off the ventilator and she died. I thought it was bizarre, but she has to live with it, not me. MIL was already gone by the time I got into the room to say my good-byes.

Remember your mother. Mourn your mother. Allow yourself to grieve. Give yourself the time and space to feel sad. This is about you and your loss. Your SIL does not matter!!

May the memory of your mother be a blessing to you.

Sounds like you and your dad have a lot of anger toward your brother's wife from years ago. And while it's not going to resolve itself, now is not the time to spend thinking about her. You and your dad need to support each other. The first year is the hardest. The first holidays without your mother will be painful. Save your energy for yourself and your dad.

Will there be a service? Will SIL be there? See how she behaves before drawing any conclusions or confronting her about her going back. If you want to know why she went back a good time will suddenly open up to ask her in private.

I have the same issues with my brother's wife. She is attacking me now because he told her to stay out of family issues that doesn't concern her. FINALLY! But agree with everyone else. Be there for your dad always. Your sil doesn't matter at all right now. Maybe she will in the future but not now.

All the way through all the mess we have dealt with - the 'apology' has went like this: sorry that you feel that way, sorry you were mad about that. Even my mom said that I had reason to not trust - but if I bring up my lack of trust, it gets turned around that I am the problem because I should just completely accept and trust anything that they do. My dad is down that he did not know about a ride down there too. It seems to be a problem with boundaries and the nasty thing she said to my mom was when my mother put out a boundary about something she was not happy about. In some ways I feel that my mom maybe would not have wanted me there - I just feel that what she did was underhanded, insensitive and this is not even her mother. ( and I know that my mother would say, you can't control over people...) Just feels like a betrayal.

LS, my heart goes out to you and your family about the loss of your mother. You must be feeling raw with grief.

I do not understand why your sister in law being with your mum at her death has triggered you? None of you knew that your Mum was going to die yesterday. How was it a betrayal, underhanded or insensitive that she was there when Mum passed? I know you and your Dad would have liked to be with your Mum when she died, but often people will wait to die after the family has left the bedside. I know my Granny waited until her birthday and once the family had left her bedside.

The next weeks and months are going to be hard, please take care of yourself and Dad.

"You know the caregivers on here who have posted that another family member organized the funeral behind their back? Well this would not surprise me, despite the wishes." Based on that statement, I assume your mother did not want a service. What were her wishes?

Her body cannot be released to your brother and SIL. As her husband, your father controls this situation and decides what will be done for her whether cremation or burial.

Should your brother arrange and pay for a service that's his business and you and your dad are under no obligation to attend because your mother will already have been given the sendoff she wanted.

I'm so sorry for your loss, LS.

I understand that there are hurts and angers in the past. I hope that you can get past them and grieve your mother's loss in peace.

I too have/had SIL problems. Have never understood why. One SIL takes things upon herself.

First, not even the Doctors/Nurses can pinpoint when death will occur. It was really the Nurse's responsibility to call ur Dad and tell him that she/he felt that death was eminent. Your SIL may have just happened to be there when Mom passed. My Mom passed 20 min after my nephew and I had been there.

When my sister passed, a coworker was there. When my Mom found this out she said "OMG of all people, the one Donna disliked the most". She died at 9:25 we had left 2 hrs before. It happens.

I think you should let it go. It sounds like ur SIL is immature and needs to be the center of attention. Had an Aunt like this and she had no friends and not well liked by her nieces and nephews.

Dad is now the important one. You need to be there for him. He will need help getting everything together. If she tries to take over, quietly make her aware that Dad has a daughter. That you can handle things. Don't make a scene and don't complain to Dad.

When my Dad passed, my brother, SIL and I went to order flowers. My SIL took over. I allowed it until she was asking Mom about the flowers from the great-grandson. I then asked (I thought nicely) for the book because my daughter asked me to represent her in picking out my grandson's flowers. My SIL didn't talk to me the rest of the day.

So sorry for your loss. Take it a day at actime.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure tons of thoughts will be going on in your head and heart.

Your mom knew that you and your dad loved her. Hold onto that thought.

I won’t defend your SIL. I don’t know her. You do. There will always be people who want to one up or out do. I understand how annoying that is.

I have no idea what her intentions were so I can’t address it. I don’t think that is what is most important right now. Nor are your siblings. Trust me, I have crappy siblings too. My brother wanted to report me to the police too.

I feel that the most important thing is that you lost your mom. You will grieve that loss. Put the rest on the back burner if you can. I wouldn’t even discuss this with them for now. Emotions are at their peak now and you know it would end disastrous.

Hugs. Take care.

Something is wrong with your SIL, not you. For some reason, she has a need that she thought she could fulfill this way. You don't want to react to her as that will fuel her fire. Have you heard the term "gray rock"? That's where you only say bland things to another person when you absolutely have to have contact with them. How's your day? Fine. Do you like what I picked to dress mother in for the funeral? It's fine.

You really have to bite your tongue around these people to keep from giving them the reaction, positive or negative, that they want. I'm so sorry for your loss - it makes dealing with these people ten times harder. It gets better.

Sorry for the loss of your dear mother, Living South. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hugs to you!

Does it really matter who was with your mother, now that she has passed away? You have far too much grief to work through over the coming days and weeks, why clutter it with anger over losing a round of one upmanship with your sister-in-law. It does take two to play that game.
Remember the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

LivingSouth, I'm responding to your comment on my post, "I'm just worried that she told my mom - 'oh your daughter didn't show up, but don't worry I did."
I wonder also - does hospice not call the family?"

It does not matter what she told your mom. Your mom is in a better place where she sees Truth. The lies don't matter to her anymore. It's harder for us here on earth but we can't change what has been, only what our reaction is. Your mom was with *someone*, which is a good thing, no matter who it was. I doubt your mom really perceived who was there, just that there was a link to the earthly as she made her way into the spiritual realm.

And your Hospice probably does call family. This brings up a very important aspect of Hospice - the services for the family. Perhaps you could call and ask what is available to you as the grieving daughter, that you just need to talk to someone. You will be able to tell someone that you are so disappointed that you did not get to be there because you were not called. That you think they should call the person on the care form, no matter what the person who is visiting tells them about the person on the care form. That "complaint" might actually make it into policy if it's not already, and if it is policy, they might have a review session with the nurse who was present. Hospice offers aftercare and this is exactly why - all the unanswered questions. I think you will be helping others if you make it known since there are so many dysfunctional families.

I pray you can find peace with what happened as your mom made her way over. I know you miss her!

LivingSouth......not to overlook what the SIL did.....however.....perhaps your sweet mother was waiting til you and dad left the room to cross over on her new journey. This does happen. Please use the hospice grief counseling for you and dad too if you think it would help him. Im so sorry for your loss....please grieve on your own timetable. Im glad you are finding your moms notes she left for you!! Healing blessings being sent💖

Deepest condolences on the loss of your mother. I can understand how you feel. It doesn't seem right, and is another burden for you to carry. Let it go if you can. You need to look after yourself and your dad. ((((((((hugs))))))

Sorry for your loss. And for your Dad's loss of his wife.

Your grieving will be complicated because of your Sil's secrecy, her betrayal of trust, and yes, it has caused you more pain, or you would not have written about it. She was there, and did not call you, but had the nurse call. Another slap in the face. She was your mother, yes she was. And you will miss her.

Please do not give a moment of your time to regrets. You will be sad enough that she is gone. If you want to just give up any anger that Sil has brought into your life, you can and will need to. Honor your Mom's life with good thoughts of her only.

Great big warm hug!

I am so sorry for your loss. May God grant you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.

The notes that your mom left for you are her way of loving you and telling you how very much you meant to her, that is such an amazing gift to leave for you. She obviously knew your heart towards her, don't give any head space to your SIL, she doesn't deserve any more from you.

I pray that you receive a sign from her letting you and dad know that she is not suffering any longer and that she will be waiting to hold you again.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom

Hi LivingSouth. Sorry for your loss. I don't feel the hospice unit failed to follow any policy. Sometimes nurses and professional caregivers can give an educated guess when the end is going to happen but no- one really knows the hour or even the day. I feel if you thought it was going to be minutes or hours you wouldn't have left. I think your SL felt something and went back. I wished she hadn't been selfish and had picked you and your dad up so everyone could be there but that's not where things are. So now you need to remember the good times, the precious you and mom, times. Their yours and only yours. What you had with your mom, your SL will never be able to have. You did have your Good-by. YOUR Good-by!

This is very hard to do and might take a long time, but just do not engage with your SIL. Fighting with someone who starts fights just perpetuates the pain. Hunker down with Dad and stay away from SIL as much as possible.

And yes, get counseling. For grief *and* anger. Continuous anger only hurts you, no one else. It seems simplistic and frustrating, but you’d be amazed at how you feel when you’ve gotten past it. You don’t have to say that she didn’t do something very hurtful, but accept for yourself (and your dad) that she is who she is and that you can’t change her.

When my 89 year old Father-in-law was in hospice last year (my husband is an only child so I’m heavily involved in his family matters) one of his nurses told me “I’ll be surprised if he makes it through the night”. My father-in-law actually lived two more days. My mother-in-law was having severe anxiety attacks over all that was happening & was placed on Valium & ordered to only short visits.
Long story short... it was my half grown kids & I that were keeping vigil. I was supposed to call my husband when death was “pretty close”. My mother-in-law happened to come for a short visit & 20 minutes after she left her husband died. My husband got there about 8 minutes to late to be with his dad.

There wasn’t an hour to notify anyone in my situation, it was down to minutes.

Did your Sister-in-law know that you would go back to the hospice if she were driving? Maybe she just thought it would be nice if someone were there so she went. You were tired & needed to rest or you would’ve stayed. It just happened that your mom passed while she was there, it’s no one’s fault.

LivingSouth, first, I am So sorry for your loss, I too have lost my Mom and it is enormously painful and takes ages to come to grips with, I hope that you have someone close to you who can comfort you or your Hospices grief counselors help, so that you can be strong to take care of your Dad during this painful time.

Regarding the passing of your Mom and missing being there at the time of her passing, we had my FIL dying and on Hospice in our home, and I knew that the end was near, but I did not think he would pass on the morning that he did. I had only just been in his bedroom with him and he had spiked a fever. I wasn't sure what to do so I left the room to call our Hospice Nurse. In just that moment that I was on the phone my husband realized that he wasn't breathing, from looking at the baby monitor we had just installed. We rushed into his room together, the Hospice Nurse still on thge line with me, and he was gone, I was shocked, it all seemed so sudden, but that just must have been the way he wanted it, still it upset me as I had cared for him for so long and expected to be with him in his last moments.

No matter how we try, we just cannot predict anyone's time of death, it is always unexpected.

The grieving process is different for everyone and yours will be your own personal journey, don't rush it, as it will come in waves, interspersed with all the good memories, and that your Mom has placed notes around the house is such a beautiful tribute to you and the loving care that you gave her, she knew that you would need those sweet reminders that she is still with you, but in a different way, she must have Loved you so very much.

Pay your SIL no mind, and try to think that she was just trying to be loving towards your Mom there in the end, just let that go now, and don't give her the satisfaction of Any thoughts or words on it.

Thank you for your kind words. I talked to a relative near my age and his mom had told my mother that she did not want him at her death because she didn't want him to have that last image of her. He sat there for nine hours and finally went home to shower. They called him twenty minutes later and told him to rush over. Nurses met him at the door and told him that she was gone. My mom had told me years ago that my she felt my SIL was jealous, so I supposed I should feel sorry for her. I only have two family members that I can talk to, so a support group will help, I think.
The night that she passed I couldn't sleep, though I was exhausted, and I was lying in bed softly singing hymns that she liked. Right about the time of her death, I felt a sharp pain in my back and then it was like I heard her say ' I heard those sweet songs.' This was before I knew she had passed away.
My prayers to all of you going through Christmas without your loved one. My grandma passed right before Christmas too and I remember my mom saying "Christmas in heaven - wouldn't it be glorious?"

You know thats what my FIL said about my SIL. She was jealous. Of me! She had so much more than I had growing up. Her DH is the nicest guy. She has a girl and a boy. Never understood why she is condescending towards me. But she is always nicer to friends than family. She picked a family get together in Arkansas. 8 hr trip for 2 of the brothers, 18hrs for us. For maybe 3/4 days. We chose not to go. Actually we had a cruise the same time. But I still would not have gone.

Love the way your Mom thought, Christmas in heaven-wouldn't it be glorious.

I’m sorry for your loss, I think the loss of a beloved mother is a special kind of pain. I wish you peace in the days ahead