Healthy mind, broken body: How to cope with mobility and incontinence frustration / embarrassment?

How do you get him to accept the situation...

Well. How would you go about accepting the situation if you were in his position? Continent, fully aware of events, but denied assistance to transfer to use the toilet? Oh well, just one of those things, eh?

If your father is truly unable to stand, even using a stand-aid or turntable, then what's stopping the LTC using a hoist? I have to say if this were my Dad my energies wouldn't be spent on teaching him humility. I'd need them all to restrain myself from punching the head of whoever's in charge.

I would work with the facility to see if they can help him with more trips to the bathroom. Advocate fiercely.

He shouldn’t have to sit and wait in a dirty diaper. If this is happening for more than a few minutes, become a squeaky wheel. Healthcare professionals understand that beyond unsanitary and humiliating, this can be dangerous.

Most of us will probably have toileting problems someday. Talk to your dad with gentle kindness.

He is not infant having a diaper change. He is wearing disposable underwear or call them by their brand name. He does not need to learn humility. He needs to be treated with respect. Words matter. My uncle's facility does not allow the word diaper when discussing the underwear. My Mom terminated her caregiver when she asked mom if she needed a clean diaper. Talk to the director of nursing about him being assisted when needed. It's their job and what they are paid for.

Please stop calling them diapers. Call them 'big boy pull ups', 'big girl pull ups', pull ups or even underwear. If they can't be pulled up/down, the facility should have garments that are taped on. The facility nurses here in our town are trained in how to put them on or take them off if the patient cannot get up or use a chair side commode. And yes, I understand that all modesty and dignity are lost during the later stages of life. Keep the patient covered as much as possible. Just change them as quickly and quietly as you can. My 90 yo husband spent time in the hospital and then in a rehab facility. It is most definitely a learning experience for the caregiver.

One important aspect of allowing your father to maintain his dignity might be to stop using the word "diaper." He has disposable underwear. Older adults are not babies. It is a bit demeaning to refer to them or their clothing in language used to refer to babies. This may seem like a small thing, but it may mean a lot to him.

I would also question why those who have been hired to care for him are reluctant to assist him with his toileting. Have you addressed this issue with them? Are there factors of which you are unaware?

I am concerned that the LTC will not help him as much on and off the toilet. Your father should be placed on a toileting schedule - being offered and helped onto and off toilet every 2 hours while he is awake. This is a routine well within the abilities of all LTC facilities. Talk to administration about this.

You don't.
No Adult with their mental faculties likes having to wear an Adult Diaper and your Dad will never like the idea.

He shouldn't have to soil a Diaper as someone should take him to the toilet if he can get there with help from his walker and or wheelchair..

He should never have to stay in a soiled Diaper.

You should have a talk with the Care Home he is in and if he knows he has to go, they should take him.

But know, that most care Facilities are Understaffed and they do what is easiest for them.

I am shocked at this. When I worked as a professional carer in a care-home I had to help the elderly residents with their toileting. It's obviously not their fault. It's hard for them to lose their dignity. I am in England so we have different healthcare. I don't know what LTC is.

Why can't he have a bedside toilet just a foot or so from his bed? If you use disposable plastic liners in the bowl, clean-up is usually a breeze because you simply lift out the liner, tie it shut, and throw it in the trash. There is no reason whatsoever for him to have to walk to a bathroom.

The LTC is "reluctant" to help him toilet??? Seriously??? That is part of their function. Not sure where you are located but I realize that in the US there has always been a bit of a problem getting good staff to due "low level grunt jobs" at healthcare facilities; this has become even worse now thanks partially to the pandemic and partially to the widespread practice of low pay and a very limited career ladder for CNAs. In NJ the Gov recently signed into law the following staff ratios for LTCs:
1 CNA to every eight residents for the day shift
1 direct care staff member (RN, LPN, or CNA) to every 10 residents for the evening shift
1 direct care staff member (RN, LPN, or CNA) to every 14 residents for the night shift

Now if you have ever worked in a busy care center you know this is still stretching it (did I mention that LPNs are hard to come by also? Everyone who can possibly make the attempt is reaching for the higher paid (but still sometimes under appreciated RN title) because of the high number of people who need to be assisted with eating, taken to activities as well as toileted (and some of them may be a 2 person assist; an LTC can get into lots of trouble if a single CNA tries to help a 2 person assist to the toilet). Now add to the fact that on almost any shift you are going to get call outs for any reason (covid positive test, sick kid, no childcare, no transport). LTCs are required to be registered with nursing agencies who can provide coverage in these situations but they will have to find an available staff member within traveling distance (this is going to cost the LTC more than their own staff) who needs time to get to the facility and who is possibly coming in cold (doesn't know the staff on duty or the residents) and has to read charts to find how who is in need of what. Unless a resident is really lucky.... they are going to wait at least 15 min for a trip to the toilet. It's unfortunate but it is the reality of today's industry. Sad really.