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He's 83 and has been living with me for 3 yrs. My brothers never came to visit when they lived in the same state and now have moved from Alaska to Arizona and want take dad there for a visit. I am concerned that this would be very confusing for him to be going to different changing environments that would not be ideal for his situation. Can anyone share their possible experiences with a situation like this?

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not by himself of coarse depends on severity my family don't help or call he cant stay with them if he does go puts more stress on me an him one sister takes care when I have to go to an convention why cant they come if ur doing ever thing else
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Bullseye, I for one have never gotten the idea that you've insisted that your Dad see your brothers. Nor have I read where you are conflicted about keeping on with his care - quite the contrary. You have been sharing and looking for help/ideas to about a decision that affects your whole family, i.e. taking your Dad to AZ. Many folks have shared their thoughts - do not have your Dad travel due to his physical and mental condition. Good advice all around. You still have to make the best decision for your Dad. Prayers for your peace of mind and wisdom to make that decision. Hugs.
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Why do you insist that your father must see your brothers? You are currently going thru court with one sibling. You will be taking him to a different state with different jurisdiction. Why do you still INSIST on visiting them? Do you perhaps, Deep Down, no longer want to care for your father? Do you perhaps, Deep Down, want to now live your own life? I think before any actions are done, you really need to find a quiet place, sit down, and figure out what it is you really want, really need. I always think of a problem/situation before going to sleep. A lot of times, when I wake up in the morning, I have ideas pop up. I write it down and go thru it later on. I write it because eventually these thoughts "disappear."

If deep down, you truly no longer want to care for father, then, proceed to go to AZ like you keep mentioning. I also suspect your desire because truly, you know deep down, that your siblings should be the one to come and visit you all. You knew it was suspicious when they insisted that YOU are Not welcome. Yet, you still want to bring father. It sounds like you're torn inside on your caregiving father.

Try to decide what you really want. If you decide that you've done enough and it's time for your brothers to care for your father, then so be it. But really expect them to set the rules regarding father. And if they decide that you shouldn't be allowed to visit him, so be it. I mean, they're already saying that you're not welcomed. That's a sign. This is my take of the situation. Only you know what's really going on with the siblings and within yourself. I don't judge you on whatever decision you make. I've been helping caregiving for 24years now. And I'm beginning to yearn for my freedom and trying to find the gumption to do it. But I think, for you, you really need to sit down and figure out what it is you really want with regards to your father.
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Bullseye: Knowing all the facts now, I would most definitely say NO DO NOT LET YOUR BROTHERS COME AND TAKE HIM TO ARIZONA....UNLESS YOU ARE READY TO GIVE HIM TO YOUR BROTHERS TO TAKE CARE OF UNTIL HE DIES!

You father is not a ping pong ball that can be bounced back and forth. Going through all the trauma in your family would be difficult for a person who is perfectly well, but your father is sick, mentally sick, and he cannot handle the tug of war that is going on between you and your brothers. It is not fair to him in any sense of the word and actually Adult Protective Services should probably be alerted to the problem because he should not be stuck in the center of a fight over his estate.

You have already been told that YOU ARE NOT WELCOME, therefore you and your father need to stay at home. If you pack your father up and head to Arizona, you are now on their turf and you are asking for a fight. Do Not Do This!!!

You have to see that your responsibility is to care for your father, and his well being should be what is most important to you, not taking him to Arizona so a real know down drag out fight can ensue. You can be damaging your father's mental condition further and he may never recover back to where he has been.

Unless the court case against you states that you need to relinquish your father to your brothers, then stay at home and invite them to come up for a visit with their father in your home.
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NO! Airline cabin pressure fluctuations will be VERY BAD FOR HIM. Talk to his MD, talk to the airlines. He'll come back in a box.
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When someone posts their situation here, not everyone is comfortable sharing their complete "real" story right away. We don't know Bullseye's reason for not sharing everything in the beginning. Privacy is one thing, spilling your gut to complete strangers, is another. One has to be on this post for a while and read what others are suggesting before one feels really safe in sharing. I'm sad for her story, I lived it and it is not easy dealing with siblings, they are after all, your family and no one wants to berate a family member. I'm guessing that she did not really want to bring all of that other baggage into the post at first. It throws the problem back on us - what could we have done to prevent. In my case it was/is a sociopathic sibling, and there is no solution for that except walking away to stay safe and healthy. I pray things will work out the best way for your Dad, and your family, brothers included. Blessings on you Bullseye. Keep the faith!
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Like I said & I stand by my original answer - this is a gray area HOWEVER, now that I also know the REAL story, I'd say NO don't take him, obviously. Right, suspicious right off the bat but all these answers could have been avoided if we had known the REAL story in the first place - js...
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Well, now that we know more about this story, it seems that those of us who were intuitively suspicious had justification. Wow...the seemingly sweet desire for dad to visit Arizona is more likely a ploy to relocate him into a different court jurisdiction. You can certainly do what you want, but if I were you, I would BEWARE ... Arizona is a state unto itself when it comes to the law.
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Removing him from his usual environment is NOT a good idea. He may even say right now, yes he wants to go, but when he is removed it is going to be hell. They are use to everything being the same each and every day, that is their comfort zone. If your brothers try to take him out of his present environment he is going to come unglued and they will have zero idea on how to handle him. Even if they bring him back home after two weeks, IF HE RETURNS TO HIS PRESENT STATE, IT WILL TAKE WEEKS OR MONTHS BECAUSE HE IS SO AGITATED BY BEING MOVED.

My mother spent 8 days in the hospital with me by her side day and night and we have been home for over 2 weeks and she is still agitated and unable to sleep.

I do not know why your brothers want to take Dad to Arizona, but his days of traveling are most likely over. If you have any idea that they may be trying to take Dad due to finances or anything I would go talk to Dad's doctor and explain to him what is happening and how you are afraid this will affect Dad's mental well being and ask doctor to write letter for you explaining that it is not a good idea to move him for any length of time.
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Thanks for your update, Bullseye. You are a "target" in the real sense of a Bullseye. For all who posted here, we always know there is more to the story than what is originally posted. You have your hands full with Dad and dealing with the courts. Hold your head up high - work with everyone as much as you can, even your brothers, but don't let your guard down. The problems always seem to have something to do with $'s, property, loans, etc. DO NOT take your Dad to AZ. That will totally confuse him. Your brothers are the ones who should be doing the traveling now, not you and your Dad, and you can not send him traveling on his own. Is your Dad aware of the situation - does he understand? Does he want to see his sons? One trip to a lawyer's office on a good day for him with your brother/s could cause you and your Dad more problems than ever imagined. It is very difficult to deal with siblings who become uncooperative and even vindictive. The threat to your husband should send up red flags all over the place and you must also protect your family. God bless you. Yes, the Lord will take care of things in His time while we are the ones being tested...Hugs. "The truth shall set you free."
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I would like to thank everyone for their input on my situation. There are several other factors involved in my situation regarding court cases both criminal and civil and the civil one I am now involved with is about my brother having joint guardianship with me. I am my dad's legal guardian by court approval a year or so ago, and at that time, each brother was sent court paperwork advising of this action being taken. There was no response from them at that time. One brother owes my dad a lot of money for a piece of property he bought from my dad and is now filing the joint guardianship of dad and not wanting me to get paid anymore from my dad's estate for taking care of him. I think this is where the problem really lies. However, I do want to have my dad visit my brothers which I did actually take him to Arizona a year or so ago. I told them I would gladly bring dad down for another visit but was told that "they don't want me there". I am still thinking about going sometime this winter for a few weeks to try to have them see dad, but I am not sure if it will work out. One of my brother has made prior threats to my husband that he "would kill him" . That brother has some real anger issues. I read how GivesaHug traveled with her relatives and I have had the same result that as long as I am with my dad then he feels there is a comfort and he trusts me and knows me. There have been years of unsettling "drama" with our family so I keep praying and thanking God that he is in charge of it all and I have to leave it in his hands.
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My father in law was in early stages of Alzheimer's when he & mother in law flew to FL to visit their daughter. While there, he became more distrustful, even paranoid. On the flight home, he looked at my mother in law & said, I don't know who you are, but thanks for helping me. From that moment on, he seldom remembered her name, or that she was his wife. His downward spiral quickened, and she could no longer care for him. Later, the doctor informed her that change of environment can exacerbate the disease.
My own mother was having some early dementia symptoms. She lived in her own home a block from me, and I have taken "care" of her for ten years. Up to the age of 90, she drove & volunteered in a local elementary school. Due to balance and memory issues, I have been more involved with her transportation and shopping. But lately I had to spend more time helping her remain "independent." Any change in routine caused confusion. For example, she took her vitamin every day at the same time. When the doctor prescribed the only Rx she ever needed, I put it in her pill box with the vitamin, and told her to take them at the same time. She stopped taking everything, because there was an extra pill & she didn't know what to do with it. I had to go to her house 3 times/day, just to be sure she took her meds and was eating & drinking. I brought her food and snacks. She didn't want to join us for meals, didn't keep the same hours as us, etc.
She fell, and was hospitalized. While there, she became more confused, and the doctors said she could no longer be alone in her home. She was moved to a rehab/nursing facility for PT & OT. While there, she 'named' her children, but they were all her siblings. She became more depressed and uncooperative, wanting to go home, but not knowing where it was. She cried, yelled that she can't trust me, etc. We moved her into a beautiful assisted living/personal care facility, 1 mile from my home. She accepted that she was there "for a while". My closest brother is 4 hour drive away. The other is 3 states away. Both offered for her to live with them. Neither realized the level of need, or that she is so emotionally attached to routines. My younger brother visited her, and decided this was best for her. Uprooting her, requiring her to get used to new environments, would cause more stress. Also, the only people she would see are them. Where she is now, former neighbors, card club members, and other friends she has made over 10 years come and visit. She has been there one month, and although she still thinks she will be able to go "home" she no longer cries about it, and just keeps "working" on her walking and memory so she will be able to leave.
My brother asked her if she would like to come stay with him for a couple weeks, and she said no. He asked if she would like to go for a short while at Thanksgiving, and she said she wants to take things one day at a time.
Let your brothers come for a week while you go to Arizona...
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If we read this posters information, we see that the brothers in question never offered help when they were nearby.

No one is suggesting that the brothers COULDN'T or SHOULDN'T help with their dad, just that bullseye should be cautious and investigate their motives.

If you have read many of the horror stories posted on this forum, especially dealing with money and moving across state lines, the sudden interest of the brothers deserves some scrutiny.

This forum is to post opinions, personal experiences and support. I take the position that if I know something, I share in the most informative way I know how. It is up to the poster to correlate the information given as it applies to their own situation, of which we only know a part.
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What I'm reading quite a bit here is that siblings who offer to share caregiving should not be trusted if they haven't visited the primary caregiver's home and been involved in caregiving within the boundaries of the primary caregiver's home.

Discouraging primary caregivers from sharing caregiving responsibilities with other siblings helps no one. If one sibling is primary caregiver, he or she is going to need major breaks caring for a sick parent. If the other sibling lives out of state, a quick visits won't cut it; neither will a visit for a week. Real respite is needed and, in the vast majority of cases, your sibling's home is a much better option than placing your parent in a respite facility for few weeks. Circumstances have to be extraordinary to block a sibling from helping with care. And sibling differences, quite common in families where a parent is suffering from dementia, is not enough to say, "No, my sibling can not be trusted caring for our parent."

Again, most siblings who offer help don't do so out of some false sense of altruism. Many want to help, but are prevented from doing so by siblings who want help, but refuse help unless they can control how their parent is cared for in their siblings home. You can't have it both ways. You can't ask for help on condition that your siblings do everything you do, the way you do it, no questions asked. Each sibling has their own caregiving approach and unless your sibling has no caregiving abilities; is abusive and/or completely unstable, he or she should be given the opportunity to share the caregiving role.

If you need help, and help comes your way, and you turn it down because you can't deal with giving up control of a parent's day-to-day care, don't start pointing fingers at siblings who have stepped up to help, time and again, only to be turned away. If the doctor says there's no reason a parent can't spend time with other siblings, accept help, and in the process, help heal family rifts.
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I traveled a bit with my aunt, and like jeanne, it was good and acceptable because she always had me and I was her center. But she had alcohol dementia and was relatively stable. She didn't remember things long term but she did enjoy them when we get them.

By contrast, my dad, when he only had stage 2 or 3 Alzheimer's, and had my mom and me as his center, when we took him somewhere only 40 minutes away, within 10 or 15 minutes he was already not enjoying the new environment and wanting to go home. There was no reasoning with him or consoling him until we would get in the car and leave.

I'm still suspicious about why your brothers are suddenly wanting to be involved after 3 years of having the ability to be involved nearby but not participating. Again I mention if there is an estate involved, taking your dad to another state could create a lot of unintended financial consequences for both you and your dad that you may never be able to undo. People are rarely suddenly altruistic. Have caution!
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I don't think it is a good idea.

Travel can be very good for persons with dementia, depending on their particular behaviors and state of mind. Like Lindadb61 I traveled with my loved one throughout the 10 years he had dementia. We traveled by car, plane, train, and took 2 cruises. All of it was good.

BUT ... we traveled together. He trusted me. I knew his particular needs. The scenery was new, the environment was different, but his most important constant -- me -- never changed. It sounds like that was the case with Lindadb61 and her mother, too.

If you wanted to take Dad to Arizona, that might be fine (depending on the nature of his disease). But to go off with people who haven't even been visiting him for three years does not sound like a good idea to me!
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Bullseye, all good posts. First of all, talk with his doc and see what he/she thinks. A lot depends on the stage of his dementia/Alz, what he can endure, i.e., such a long trip. They don't like changes. He definitely could not travel alone. A better solution would be for your brothers to come to visit him in your home. Explain to them the situation in detail, how much care he needs, all of his habits, needs, etc. If they were not aware of them before, things have changed even more by now for your Dad. I, too, having been through "a sibling taking advantage of my father situation" would proceed with caution, especially if there is some estate involved. I'm not saying that is the case with your brothers, I'm just saying be careful. You know the dynamics of your family better than we do here in these posts. I've always wanted to see the best in everyone and keep the peace - it backfired with 3 of my siblings, so I'm very careful now. I don't like that feeling, but it is reality, unfortunately. God bless you for caring so much. Take a deep breath, say some prayers and move forward. If you have not been to an attorney to do a health care POA and POA for finances, I strongly suggest you get that done while your Dad would still be lucid enough to name you, since you're the one taking care of him.
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You've cared for your father for three years. Now, your brother wishes to have your dad come for a visit in another state. Has your dad's doctor told you not to let your father visit family residing out of state? Has you dad's doctor told you your father can not travel? Is your brother thoroughly incapable of taking care of your father? Does he have a care plan for taking care of your father -- a network of doctors, back-up caregivers, etc., in place to help care for your dad? Was he having problems with you that kept him away while your father's been living with you?

From what you've written, it sounds as though your brother is offering to do his part, to share the responsibility of taking care of your father. If he has a care plan and your father's doctor says it's ok for him to travel and spend time with your brother, why don't you let your dad go for a visit? You also have to ask yourself whether or not your dad would want to spend time with your brother? If the answer is, "yes," you should try to work with your brother.

You probably could use a break. Don't let this be about, "He didn't come to my house, so I'm not going to let Dad travel to see him." Your brother is your father's child too, and dementia/Alzheimer's can take a toll on every one in the family. Take this opportunity to let your brother be his father's son, to spend time caring for him provided he has a plan, a network of care, and is capable of caregiving. Look at it this way, as well: Who would take care of your dad if something, God forbid, ever happened to you. If the responsibility would naturally falls to your brother, meet him half way and let him help out.
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If he stays for a very long time. The last five years, my mom found traveling to be increasingly traumatic.
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Just went on 7.5 week trip with my husband & 89 yo mom w/stage 5-7 Alzheimer's. We were in a trailer, so even tho we saw different sites every day, she still had her own bed, in her own space every night. If we stopped by about 3 pm, everything was ok, but sundowners set in a little earlier each day. We visited my siblings and my kids and several "touristy" places. She seemed to enjoy each visit, and people, though she couldn't remember who they were. Maybe you could take your father to see your brothers. Arizona is a nice place to visit, and you might even enjoy it. Your brothers might just be trying to give you a break?!
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I can share what moving 4 miles did for my 87 yr. old dementia husband. Stick with your original thought. Travelling distances are NOT GOOD for people with dementia. It only confuses them more, and your siblings should have visited when they had the chance. Have them visit you. I live in AZ and we don't need any more confused seniors here! Not really, we have the best dementia research pool here and seniors will find people warm and welcoming, however your brothers need to visit you and your dad. I hear Alaska is beautiful!
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I would say it all depends on your dad's severity of dementia. My mom has dementia and nothing gives her more pleasure than a road trip! It's so stimulating for her. We stop, eat, visit. She seems more lucid when she is relaxed in the car. We've done 16 hrs from CO to IL. We've also flown and she gets very excited about a plane ride. I would not make her plane ride more than 2 hours though as I would need to assist her with bathroom issues. Too confusing for her in an airplane bathroom. I recently placed Mom in assisted living as she is blossoming. It's the best thing I could have done for her. I struggled with guilt at first, but when I go to visit and see her in activities, it makes me cry that I didn't do this sooner for her. Discuss this with your dr regarding travelling first, but it could be a real lift to his spirit. Also, it's so healthy to stop blaming siblings and friends, even though it might be truth. It's not going to change the circumstances and it adds extra stress that you do not need. I have no family around to help me. My brother comes when he is able. I just made a shift in the way I am viewing this situation and am choosing to be positive. My mom so picked up on my stress and therefore that made her stressed. Now there is an ease when I am visitng her. We laugh now.
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Momhouseme,
So I guess this "Since my friend couldn't/wouldn't visit him, his kids moved him to their nearby Kaiser (3 hr from my friend) and that was the beginning of the end; once boyfriend was in nursing home the kids ensured he made a new POA naming them and revoking her and it goes on." indicates the kids were not acting in their dad's best interest? Maybe they should have left him to just be alone...
Bullseye,
There are quite a lot of horror stories posted on this site. Most people don't post the good and happy events/news. Unless your family member (brother here) has displayed bad are harmful behaviors, I think you should consider the effect your decision and how you handle the request, may have on your relationship with him/her. Once your parent dies, he/she maybe your only remaining family. I'm not saying throw all caution to the wind. I'm sure you know in your heart why your brother stayed away. Education for your sibling along with thoughtful and considerate dialog should be the starting point, not listening to only the horrors listed on this site.
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Bullseye - Your question is a good one. I can only speak from my personal experience having cared for my husband with stage 6 dementia for four years. Traveling to a different city for family events or for overnight visits, even by car, is pretty traumatic for my husband. His confusion increases and he becomes seriously anxious. Rather than sleeping, which means I don't sleep, he spends most of the night gettting up and down, opening and closing doors, turning lights on and off, and in a general state of confusion. He constantly asks when we can go home and doesn't really know where he is, why he's there or recognize very many family members. Because of this, I recently announced to our children that we would no longer be able to go and visit them - and that they would have to come to us if they wanted to visit me and their dad, or have the grandchildren visit with us. We have some extra room to accommodate visitors, so there's no hotel costs for them. Anyway, IMHO (in my humble opinion), I think it's very hard on a dementia/Alzheimer's patient to travel. The consideration should be what's best for the dementia patient, not what's easiest/best for the family member. Just my thoughts . . .
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Also, if your father could even remotely lead the brothers to his bank, sign anything etc, get those accounts secured before visitors arrive. It's just not normal to be uninvolved when you live in the same state as your parent and then suddenly show an increased interest that involves many many miles away from your father's home.
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I would not let my father out of state and there is a good reason why, seriously, but I cannot recall the reason! My friends's boyfriend (he 80 something and her 70 something) couldn't drive far/fear so when her boyfriend had a stroke he went to the nearby kaiser (1hour away) and she wouldnt drive there. Since my friend couldn't/wouldn't visit him, his kids moved him to their nearby Kaiser (3 hr from my friend) and that was the beginning of the end; once boyfriend was in nursing home the kids ensured he made a new POA naming them and revoking her and it goes on. He was eventually placed in a home and kids would not tell her where he was; they had been together for 13 years and had no idea where he was and never got to see him before he died just a few months ago. Do not let your father even out of the city with your brothers. Your father needs to be in his own bed at night with you.
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Bullseye, (just another perspective)
I live 800 miles from my mom. When my dad died in 2007, we, my younger sister (who lives within 40 minutes of mom) and myself, tried to keep her in her home. That lasted about a year. She lives in a very nice assisted living facility for memory care patients near where her home was. We and she both thought at the time that keeping her in her home town, would allow other interested family and friends access. I use to have my mom come to visit me. We had a caregiver travel with her. Although she had visited and stayed in my home many times, it was very still stressful on her and my family. Although my sister is very responsible and dutiful with my mom, there is little social interaction. My sister sacrifices her vacation to bring my mom to her doctor's appointments. Earlier on she would include mom in family gatherings. Since my dad died my mom has become severely distrustful and hateful towards my sister, so I don't blame my sister one bit. Very few people, if any regularly visit with my mom. As far as mom thinks, she falsely believes that no one has visited her for months. When I speak with her (on the phone or in person), she really doesn't remember who I am. I personally yurn to move my mom here. I don't know how she would react to the move, so I don't do it. For the most part she seems to be able to remember where her room is. I don't know if she could relearn anything. So when I get to go home once, possibly twice a year, I stop in and visit. She tells me about her fantasy family of 6 kids (there are only 2 that we know of) who live very far away and that are too busy in their lives to visit. She complains about where she lives. She doesn't know why she has been put there, but she knows one day she will get out and be able to live her life. In the next breath, she is explaining about what a wonderful place she lives and they take very good care of her and allow her to be as independent as they can. It rips me apart inside. I go back to my home and live with guilt and doubt that if I moved her closer to me that she may be happier. I selfishly fantasize about stopping after work and joining her for meals and holidays and hanging out with her on weekends. Some days, I pray for her to be permanently released.
Maybe you could make a deal with your brother. If he came and stayed with you (or you take this time to get a little break) for a week and he took care of your father in your home, as a trial, you would have more faith that he is able take care of him, or more likely, your brother will realize that he is incapable of taking care of your dad and that your dad shouldn't be taken away from his stable environment. The education for both of you may be enlightening and enriching. Best wishes.
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I'm not so sure. How severe is his Alzheimer's? there are a LOT of questions to be answered here so really none of us can arbitrarily say YES or NO. This is a very gray area - can you talk to his doctor about this?
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I agree!!!! Do not take him out of his "safe" environment .
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Sorry, more than THEY can chew.

Does your dad have any money that they want to get their hands on? It will be harder for you to get your dad back from so far away in another state.

I'm sorry to bring that up, but their sudden desire to be involved seem suspicious.
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