Hi. I really need your help. I'm sorry this might be long, but I honestly need any help I can find. I have a mother who is nice to everyone but us, her kids. I'm 20 turning 21 years soon. My two sisters are younger than me. Mom never stays home. She's always outside visiting people, and socializing. From wedding to another, from funeral to another. Her friends are not the type you would want as friends and honestly all they bring to her is negativity and toxicity. She's the sweetest person to everyone else and if you were to ask anyone about her, they would all tell you she's the best they know. She's kind, always giving even when we dont have money. She takes our things and gives them to people and it got to a point where she even wanted to give out our TV. She is always nice to others, however, the minute she gets home, she starts to yell at all of us. No matter what we try to do, she says we wont keep doing it, or we are doing it for a reason, or she just doesnt like how we do it. She is always comparing us to other kids and in very horrible ways about how successful they are and we are not. The problem is we are successful. I have a project i've been working on and had already started that is extremely successful and by far more successful than any other project i've known anyone had started! The problem is she would never see that so I havent told her. I've told her about all my previous projects and she always criticized them no matter how good they are. I try to pray and she tells me it wont last and I'm doing it for a reason. My younger sister is tall, she tells her very damaging things like she's too talk and skinny and flat and looks very unattractive and she always beats my youngest sister for no good reason at all. We all hate it when we are home because she just makes it really hard to just unwind and rest. It's painful seeing how that is breaking my family. My father on the other hand is rarely home. He is always somewhere not telling us where he is going, or how he is. He comes somedays at night, and leaves in the morning and his work doesn't require that much work! I had a talk with him and he complained about my mother and how she makes it hard to stay home but he is also not putting in an effort. I'm tired of being the mother and the father to my sisters and myself. It's beyond painful to spend New Year's Eve with mom yelling, dad is not home and everyone is sad for literally no reason other than their negativity and them not being there! Please help me. How can I bring them together? How can i stop mom from being rude to us and be nice to others? Does any of this make sense to you?

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Hi Darlene,

You DO sound like an awesome young woman. I'm impressed with your written skills, which a lot of younger people today lack. So you're definitely headed in the right direction!

So where are you in life? Did you graduate from high school? Are you in school or working? I'm asking so I can figure out what kind of resources might be available to you and your sisters. Is your mom involved with a church, or just friends? It sounds like she's looking for validation and approval from others, then maybe feels angry that she's being taken advantage of and comes home and takes it out on you and your sisters. Your dad needs to step up to the plate to change things, but it doesn't sound like he knows how to do that.

Could you live on your own and offer a place for your sisters to come to hang out, as a way to get away from mom and dad? I agree with Cdnreader to get some counseling or support from school, church, or community resources.

Bottom line is that you can't change your mom or dad, you can only change how you react to them and teach those coping skills to your younger sisters. You can get help to learn new skills and ways of dealing with mom and dad that will help you. Check out all of your available resources.
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Dear Darlene,

I'm so sorry to hear about what has been happening. You sound like a very responsible young woman. And there is a lot on your shoulders. I know this is not an easy time and its hard to know where to look for help. I wonder if you consider accessing any community resources, counselling at school, work or a local church? Asking any supportive friends or family for help with your mom and dad. I know its hard to understand but maybe your mom needs to be evaluated by a doctor. Something is definitely going on and sometimes its hard to know what can be done. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
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Can you possibly move out? Many kids are out on their own by age 21. Often it takes a roommate to share expenses, and a willingness to lower your standard of living, but it is do-able.

I don't see how you can heal this family situation. You did not cause it. You can not control it. Save yourself, and get into a position to save your sisters, too. Counseling might be a very good first step.
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