I am really having a hard time trying to be my Mother's caregiver. Anyone else feel the same way?

Debsrockyroad - my opinion only - but your living situation has to change 1) your mother has Alzheimers - it is only going to get worse and worse 2) you are disabled - and as time progresses, you are NOT going to be able to adequately care for your mom, if this is not already the case 3) your marriage is strained and the strain will get worse over time - not better as your mom becomes more and more ill. She needs to be living in a place where the staff can care for her needs. You need to take care of yourself and your marriage. If your brothers don't want her to live with them, they can at least help find her a new place to live. Good luck - let us know how it goes for you

Deb, first of all I had to chuckle: who is this 'everyone' who says you should be glad she's still around etc.? Would those be the same people who had all those incredibly good reasons why they couldn't look after her, by any chance? Funny, that. Next time one of them comes up with an excuse, remember to sympathise and say "you poor thing, you must be desolated that you can't have Mother to stay."

Be reasonable with yourself. Think carefully about what you are going to be able to live with. Because, you see, the standard counsel would be to detach your emotions from the day-to-day caregiving, and look on your mother as an older person who needs help. But not everyone can do that, sometimes the baggage is too hard and too painful to let go; and if for you this is too much then it is time for the family to think again about your mother's care plan. You cannot be forced to take care of her in your home, not by anyone, no matter how pious they care to be about it.

Deb, regardless of how your mom treated you, there is NO way that one human being can adequately care for an Alzheimer's payient without lots and lots of supplementary care.

Imo, eventually your mom is going to need a facility. It's going to be much easier if you move her earlier in the d isease process when she's got some ability to adjust.

This is not a " it's not what mom wants". This is a matter of your survival.

Deb, This is probably a temporary solution and I suggest you look at nearby facilities as a backup plan. That is what I have done. My situation is complicated by having both parents to care for with very different needs. People mean well and say how lucky I am, too. They have no clue.

Wanted to add that people will tell us how lucky we are to still have our mothers. One time my mother and I were going through a cafeteria line. The woman behind me started hugging me around the waist and talking about how lucky I was. She had lost her mother a few months before. She hugged me some more. I thought she might cry about her mother, so I told her she could have mine.

Debs i think youve inspired me to share a decision ive made recently so i wont hijack your message. I havent been close to mum for years (well she hasnt been close to me as i "chose" dad and not her in a divorce according to her) but very quickly found myself cargiving at a level that was going to impact my family and children dramatically. Ive decided to step back and let my my sister (who has no family) take the reins. Whatever level of caregiving your at,if its not working for you and putting extreme pressure on you and your family,please make changes for yourself. There are great aged care facilities available with the most fabulous individuals that are trained. Let go of the guilt. You arent letting her down xX

Deb, I totally relate. My mother does not have alzheimers (at least not that's been diagnosed yet) but she is a selfish, demanding, difficult woman and I resent having to take care of her. And I've become disabled recently (I have an arthritic foot that causes pain with every step I take), and my mother has absolutely no sympathy, and will not limit her demands in any way. And oh how it angers me to hear people say that I'm lucky to still have her around (she's 84). There is nothing lucky about having to take care of a difficult elderly parent, or anyone you don't have a good relationship with.

A poem for the bad times

When the dark times come and there seems to be no light
And you know the tunnel is long and fraught with pain
Feel blessed to be the one chosen to care but dont take fright
For your role is to care
When the words are so harsh, they drill into to your brain
Hold on to the belief you are doing your best
Stand tall when you look in to the bathroom mirror tonight
It is time for that rest
To care for a person is a humane thing to do
To ensure their health and welfare are safeguarded
But its not a role that you alone have to continue
PS you’re not fainthearted
The pain will go away, tears will stay close but love remains
The storms have come and gone, the floods at an end
They are in safe hands now and its time to relax
Rest peacefully my friend

I can completely understand. I had three older brothers and I was the only girl. My dad left when I was 2, forcing my mother to go back to work full time to support us. My youngest brother molested me when I was 7 and when I finally had the courage to tell her, she turned her back on me. Never brought it up again. The abuse continued. I spent my life pretending everything was fine for everyone else's sake but mine. One day when I was much older, I had a blow out with my brother and told him I hated him for what he had done to me. His reaction was first denial, then he said that was what I wanted. Can you believe that?!?!? I was shaking so badly but I managed to call my mother at work and tell her what had just happened. She said she would deal with it. The next day she said we (my brother and I) needed to work things out or we both had to leave the house. So...with nowhere to go, I begged the landlord of my current boyfriend to let me stay with him. Thankfully he took pity on me and said yes. I was devasted feeling abandoned by my mother once again. Fast forward to now, she said she wanted to be with me instead of my brothers as they are useless and deep down she knew I would be the one that would truly take care of her. So now, I take care of her lymphatic leg and her dementia. It takes a toll on my ability to work, I have arthritis in my back and bursitus in my hips and am in pain everyday. I find it hard to deal with her for lengths of time as I still feel that resentment rearing it's head when she starts being difficult. She too favored my brothers when I was growing up and my abuser more than the rest. I finally had to kick the abuser off the property for constantly taking advantage of my mothers money and it has brought all my resentment back to the surface again. I pray someday to have peace in my life. Hang in there, you are not alone.

Rainey I can't comment on how I feel for you it is incredibly distressing and I know that. What you do need to do is take back the control - I know that's easier said than done but you MUST do it. You certainly don't have to come into contact with your brother. If your Mum won't do anything about it then you must for your own sanity and for your marriage. You must tell her that the only way you can truly believe that means she is sorry is if she tells your brother he has to not visit when you are there - my personal view is that you report it to the authorities - I know you have a statute of limitations over there but anyone who has total disregard for people should be nowhere near your Mum.

Get help for the anger - it's not your husband's fault and you need to get your marriage stability back - if not he wins and he must NEVER win.

Older people do not seem to understand that it is not water under the brdge as my mother would like to call it. It is still a torrent that bubbles beneath the surface and his presence is making it a flood you are not in control of - but you can be xxx huge hugs darling xxxx