I am really having a hard time trying to be my Mother's caregiver. Anyone else feel the same way?

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I have never been close to my mom, before she started with Alzheimer's she favored my brothers more than me and made it known how she was so proud of them. When she needed to move in with someone they all came up with an excuse as to why she couldn't live with them. She is totally dependent on me and my husband. It is really hard on my marriage as I am disabled and I am the one who has to take her everywhere. Since her Alzheimer's she has totally changed towards me. She wants a hug all of the time and wants to follow me everywhere I go. Everyone says I should be glad she is still around and to enjoy my time with her. I can't change the way she treated me in the past and I am doing my very best to make sure she is well taken care of but deep down I resent that I am the one who has to care for her. Can anyone else tell me if they feel the same way?

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Oh JessieBelle,
How I know your pain and fear. If I ever told on him for his other abusives (beating me up) I would just get beaten twice as bad the moment we were alone again. I said nothing for my own self preservation. He was such a jerk to me his whole life and to this day, when I see him, my stomach drops to my feet. I feel shakey inside and that scared little girl is still inside me screaming. Oh believe me, I have gone to so many different therapists, they do not help. They make unrealistic suggestions like, "Cut your mother out of your life or "you won't get better until you forgive your brother." I gave up. Nobody knows how to penetrate "The Wall" I created for my own protection as a child. It is just a part of me. I cannot undo something that is as much a part of me as the heart that beats inside my chest. I wouldn't even know where to start. I feel I do not need to forgive him because of his half assed attempt at an apology many years ago. He did it for his conscience, to get it off his chest and when I tried to speak, he cut me off. No true contrition at all. I think God will understand. I think he was just wired wrong but both of our mothers seemed to favor the boys and enabled their behaviour while we were the problem. Yes, and here we are, the ones who were most neglected being the only one doing the caregiving while they get their freedom, vacations and no obligations or concept of how difficult it is caring for an aging parent with physical and mental problems. I get accused of taking all Mom's money when I have had to change my whole life and am broke most of the time as I can only work part-time. I am taking care of all her bills, finances, investments, everything to make sure she will be in good shape. I am still the villain to my remaining brothers because they think I have ulterior motives. My oldest brother whom I was closest to died of an OD many years ago. I want to ask them if they could put a price tag on their freedom. What would that be? Please know I understand and you are not alone. Someday, we will be free, and when my Mom passes, I will bid goodbye to my brothers and then I will begin to live as you will too. We spend our
Iives dreaming of peace with no more family conflict. Just remember, we did the right thing even though they did not. * Big Hugs *
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Rainey, you have touched upon one of the things that bothered me most with my own mother. I had an abusive older brother who made my life miserable when I was growing up. It was every day with his merciless words putting me down. He would do it at the table and anywhere else. My mother was there, but she wouldn't do a thing to help. Sometimes I would hope my other brother would help me out, but no one helped. I spent the first 15 years of my life dreading his words and his fists. He would even spit on me.

I was about 13 when I finally stood up to him by giving him some of his own medicine. He came at me like he was going to kill me. My brother wrestled him to the ground and my mother told me to get away while she calmed him down. Then she got onto me for causing trouble. So I was not going to get any help and I better not try to help myself.

My mother does love her sons, but she wasn't a good mother for a girl. I'm sure my life would have been much different if someone had only tried to help. Early life taught me that it isn't so good to be female and that you can't depend on anybody else. These are not good lessons for a girl to learn.

Strange that I am the only one helping the woman who never helped me.
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OhJude,
Thank you for your kind words. I have been in the process of taking back my life by keeping him away. I even set up a meeting with his wife explaining why I have requested that he does not come on the property and how seeing him affects me. I asked her not to keep calling my Mom with all of his health issues because Mom feels the need to tell me about all about it ( like I care ) and gets me worked up again. All of his health issues are self inflicted, not just bad luck. She didn't last a week before she was calling my Mom again. Then, Mom tells me they are coming over for Christmas and I went off the deep end. I told her to let him know if I ever see his face here again, I will call the police and tell them what he did to me as well as constantly extorting money from Mom whom is on a very fixed income. The problem is Mom doesn't know how to say "no" so I have to get involved. I took away her checkbook, her ATM card, I have POA so I can, but sad I had to treat her like the child. I also had a very long talk with her, (not that I have not before) regarding this, but I told her I was through. I told her if she did in fact want forgiveness from me to start standing up for me for once in her life and to respect my feelings. I told her she was to show me, not tell me. Needless to say, this put a damper on the holidays and he won once again. I know I must take the power back and I am finally setting my boundaries. I don't get upset at my husband, I just am angry dealing with this and he knows my Mom helps perpetuate the cycle by not respecting my feelings. This is why I can relate to Deb, I love my Mom, but often I have a hard time liking her which does make being the sole caregiver even more difficult than if there were not the emotional baggage of a disfunctional family history to deal with. Bless you for your compassion!
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Rainey I can't comment on how I feel for you it is incredibly distressing and I know that. What you do need to do is take back the control - I know that's easier said than done but you MUST do it. You certainly don't have to come into contact with your brother. If your Mum won't do anything about it then you must for your own sanity and for your marriage. You must tell her that the only way you can truly believe that means she is sorry is if she tells your brother he has to not visit when you are there - my personal view is that you report it to the authorities - I know you have a statute of limitations over there but anyone who has total disregard for people should be nowhere near your Mum.

Get help for the anger - it's not your husband's fault and you need to get your marriage stability back - if not he wins and he must NEVER win.

Older people do not seem to understand that it is not water under the brdge as my mother would like to call it. It is still a torrent that bubbles beneath the surface and his presence is making it a flood you are not in control of - but you can be xxx huge hugs darling xxxx
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Deb--I loved your question "anyone else feel this way?" Well, yeah, a few hundred at least!
Nobody can care for someone with Alz. alone and not suffer from the fallout. Well meaning people will think it's wonderful you have mother in your home--you feel supreme guilt because you know you don't want this--yet it's what you're doing--you don't want others to know how you REALLY feel--hon--you are NOT alone.
Some great advice. Start now to find ways to get some space from mom now and look into the future when you likely will have to let her go into a home.
I worked in Elder Care for a lady whose family had made the deathbed promise to their father that their mother could always live with them...what a drama. She had Parkinson's, which eventually will deteriorate into some kind of dementia. It was horrible to see this family torn to pieces by their "rash" promise and Mom out wandering the streets at night or trying to get out of the car on the freeway. It wore me out and I only worked 32 hours a week for her!
The guilt they felt as they placed her in the LOVELIEST ALF I have ever seen--she was actually MUCH happier there--she got to eat all day long and she enjoyed her visits with her family a lot more. Her health issues were not the problem of her family and she had tremendous end of life care. The family still feels guilty, but they should not. Take care of yourself first, and that may mean getting outside help or eventually placing mom. We all know that's hard. Actually, your relationship with your mom will probably be better when you don't have her living with you. I see my brother (mother lives with him) and he can barely speak civilly to her sometimes. My SIL doesn't talk to Mother at all. Put yourself first and let people say what they'll say--I get a ton of grief for what people think of my offhand "care" of my mother, but it's healthier for me not to spend much time with her.
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Oh, I forgot to add what a strain this puts on my marriage. It does in more ways you can imagine because ever since my husband and I agreed to be the caregivers, th abuser has come back into my world and gets me upset over and over therefore, affecting my marriage by rehashing the anger I felt towards my Mom for never sticking up for me and rewarding him instead. She has asked for my forgiveness but never seems to honour my requests to help keep him out of my life. So how do you take that request for forgiveness with sincerity? Hard to be the "good daughter" all the time when you feel like nobody respects your feelings and wishes after all these years and fully realizing the extent of the damage it caused and is still to this day.
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I can completely understand. I had three older brothers and I was the only girl. My dad left when I was 2, forcing my mother to go back to work full time to support us. My youngest brother molested me when I was 7 and when I finally had the courage to tell her, she turned her back on me. Never brought it up again. The abuse continued. I spent my life pretending everything was fine for everyone else's sake but mine. One day when I was much older, I had a blow out with my brother and told him I hated him for what he had done to me. His reaction was first denial, then he said that was what I wanted. Can you believe that?!?!? I was shaking so badly but I managed to call my mother at work and tell her what had just happened. She said she would deal with it. The next day she said we (my brother and I) needed to work things out or we both had to leave the house. So...with nowhere to go, I begged the landlord of my current boyfriend to let me stay with him. Thankfully he took pity on me and said yes. I was devasted feeling abandoned by my mother once again. Fast forward to now, she said she wanted to be with me instead of my brothers as they are useless and deep down she knew I would be the one that would truly take care of her. So now, I take care of her lymphatic leg and her dementia. It takes a toll on my ability to work, I have arthritis in my back and bursitus in my hips and am in pain everyday. I find it hard to deal with her for lengths of time as I still feel that resentment rearing it's head when she starts being difficult. She too favored my brothers when I was growing up and my abuser more than the rest. I finally had to kick the abuser off the property for constantly taking advantage of my mothers money and it has brought all my resentment back to the surface again. I pray someday to have peace in my life. Hang in there, you are not alone.
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It is the very least I can do - to give something back to the wonderful people who support me through my dark days xxxxx but thanks Stacey xx
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Jude, you are so talented with words! That was beautiful!
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I did Niyah xxx and thank you
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