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Hi everyone , my dad recently lost his ability to walk he has dementia and lives in a loving nursing home. He’s finished his physical therapy but still cannot walk safely on his own with a walker so now we push him in a wheel chair . I’ve asked the physical therapist there if it’s an unrealistic expectation that he will be able to walk on his own again with a walker like he used to and he said yes that it’s an unrealistic expectation. It’s very hard for me to see him like this. He’s lost weight, too. He’s taking ensure to get his weight back up. What’s upsetting to me is having him in bed all day. I’ve talked with the staff numerous times about asking him daily if he wants to be put in the wheelchair and he says no to them most of the time I know he says no because he’ll say no to me a couple of times and then I beg him to get in the wheelchair so that we can go outside and look at the fall leaves or do an activity and after begging he’ll get in the wheelchair. It’s gotten so upsetting for me to go see him that I have to strategically plan when I will see him because I know afterwards I will end up in tears and exhausted. Is this the beginning of the end ? I’m so frightened and so upset. I do everything in my power to keep him healthy and taken care of. Am I missing something? I just dunno what to do. My dad's name is Harry. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers .

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Sadly, "forgetting" how to walk is one of the symptoms of dementia. It doesn't happen to everyone with dementia, but I saw it happen to my mother and also to other residents in her memory care facility. You have to accept dementia for what it is, day to day. Don't expect any improvements. You'll see mostly declining physical health and mental ability. This is a cruel and difficult disease, and there is little you can do. I often had the same reaction when I visited my mother in her memory care facility. I'd be upbeat and positive during the visit, then had to go to the ladies room for a good cry afterwards. I'm sorry to say this, but I don't want you to think that you are not doing all that you can. You are. Don't blame yourself in any way for your loved one's decline. Just accept and be as loving and positive as you can while you are with him. Seek therapy/grief counseling, if needed, for yourself so that you can deal with this better. They call alzheimers/dementia "the long goodby." All the best to you both.
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Mariavictoria30: Prayers sent for you and your father, Harry.
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Thank you everyone for your kind words and wisdom ….. I may not have a very strong family circle but I have you guys 💛. Thank you ! Dad is in restorative therapy which is when they pick him up and have him walk around with the walker and do other various exercises! He seems to be happy on the days these exercise take place so I’m very grateful for that ! I’ve decided to take a different approach to my caregiving style like many of you have mentioned ; instead of trying to fix it I have to get on his level no matter how painful that is for me , this is about him not about me I have to do what feels good for him if he doesn’t want to get into the wheelchair everyday he doesn’t have to …. I asked him today if he’s like to be placed in the wheelchair everyday and he said “well not everyday” but when I come and I ask him lately he doesn’t say no ! Today we went outside felt the amazing air looked at the moon sat in the dining room for a little bit and then he wanted to get back in bed then we watched a little tv and then I had to get home to make dinner and do house chores . I brought him his favorite fruit salad with the promise that I will return tomorrow and we will do the same thing ! A sweet soul mentioned bringing in photos and how great that was with her and her mom so I plan on doing that ! I actually had a dream the other night of my mother looking beautiful looking at the gazzilions of photos that we have of our family so I loved that recommendation! Thank you everyone for your everything that you have to offer ! Many of your comments move me to tears ! Love you guys! 💗
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I’m going thru this w my 91 yr old mom…a few weeks ago sge slowed down tremendously w walker..what would take 5 min now tajes 25 min…I took her to dr on Friday for a checkup on a venous insufficiency wound ( never got infected and I managed to heal it after 7werks..she is also diabetic and we recently added insulin since sugar was high)..well she could barely walk and it took forever to get from Uber to entrance of drs office ..so weak and legs gave out and she collapsed in my arms …her vitals were fine and we managed to get her hime( I’m her caregiver 24/7…. She still walks10x slower than a few weeks ago and doesn’t want to change out of her pajamas anymore ( that also started a few weeks ago)… she was changing daily’s my help and washing herself ….no more..Kim asking is this the new normal…I having bloodwork done
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I respect your grief watching your father decline. Please reach out to the facility Chaplain or Social Worker for support . Or, speak with your personal clergy if you practice a faith. All of the above should be able to help you in the midst of this present grief and the anticipation of what's to come. You are doing everything you can it surely sounds like. Also be sure that your father is being seen regularly by the facility Chaplain, and social worker to assist his grief and distress. Even though he has dementia and may or may not be able to correctly express his wishes ( sometime no means yes and yes may mean no) he may well benefit from these support services.

Also respecting patient rights to refuse anything ( as long as they are safe) is something to consider.the patient may be fatigued more than one realizes and, sometime your presence, affirmation,assurance and love are most important.

Practice good self care also....
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I would not accept the opinion given to you without getting a second and even a third opinion from other therapist not associated with the nursing home. If the home won’t allow a private therapist to come into the facility you could take Harry out to therapy and I believe Medicare would pay outpatient therapy just as they do for inpatient. Good luck to both of you. I’m sure your dad feels very loved by you even if he has trouble expressing it.
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So sorry that you are going through this. I am much more sorry that it is just going to get worse. The terrible part of watching our parents waste away in their final years is that our perception of their existence is usually based on the energy and capabilities with which they managed their lives when they were younger. There is something foreign and "wrong" about those formerly energetic and capable people declining.

As others have mentioned, there are little things you can do to make your father more comfortable and give him a better outlook. However, the fact is, he will continue to decline.

I would suggest that you look to do what you can to improve his outlook rather than hoping to try to find something that will make him improve physically. You may want to talk to a friend who has already gone through this process, or a counselor. It takes a massive attitude adjustment on your own part to try to find the things that may really help him.

Bear in mind that "healthy" is a comparative term at this point. His body is wearing out. His "health" will continue to get weaker. However, your visits still have the potential to be the highlight of his day or week. Think about the things that made you both happy when you were growing up. Bring a souvenir or photos of that special vacation that was so exciting when you were in elementary school or junior high. We found that when we were caring for Mom as she declined that we could use old photo albums to talk about times from much earlier days and that Mom took a great deal of pleasure in talking about the times in which she was the boss and was capable of doing so much. She remembered the old times rather differently than we did, but the point of the discussion was to allow her to revel in the times when she was happier.

Part of my share in taking care of Mom was taking her for a drive and lunch once a week. Sometimes I would take her to a new place, but more often I would take her to places where she will be able to remember old associations. In doing these kinds of memory trips, we were able to put her in a more cheerful mood and we could end our visits focusing on her improved mood rather than on the ongoing decline of her physical body.

If your father is not willing to get into a chair and go out and look at the leaves, pick up a paper bag's worth of dry leaves and bring them in for your visit. Use a little imagination about what to do with them. You could decorate his room a bit, or throw them in the air and let them fall. Talk about their colors, remember things he did with you in the fall when he was younger. At Christmas time, bring in some old ornaments. Use them to talk about happy times, happy things. Bring in the cookies you used to make for him. Bring him some flowers that are blooming in your yard.

I think that if you can manage to wrench your mind off his upsetting physical condition and focus your attentions in helping him to think about happier times you will both find your visits more fun.

My mom is gone now, and frankly, I had a pretty rotten childhood. However, the memories of Mom's last years have a rather sweet cast to them. We got a chance to have some nice conversations, make a few new memories that were often better than the original memories. I set my goals quite low for these visits--I just wanted to make Mom smile. Frequently we did a lot better than that, sometimes we both smiled and even laughed. I hope and pray that you and Harry can find some things to smile and laugh about and that you will be able to find some joy trying to make him smile.
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Hi Maria. I went through and still going through the same thing you are going through, the medical facility at that time was through Medicare and a memory care facility. Both their director of activities and the nursing director told me he would never walk again, I hired a private physical therapist to get an outside opinion and she told me he would walk again. He did and he is walking with the assistance of a walker. He wanted and he wants to walk. He was having more falls while on wheelchair than now on the walker. Yes he still falls every so often but he is walking. Been back on wheelchair after a couple of falls but so far with the assistance of the PT he is able to walk. I truly believe that as long as he wants to walk keep trying. The facility has a lot less work to do having a person on a wheelchair or bed ridden and they get paid the same amount thus nothing to lose.

with that being stated you will have to make the assessment and the decision, is there a medical reason why he cannot walk? Ask his neurologist and if he has an orthopedic Dr and find out if your dad could physically do, if the DRs say he could physically do it get a private PT. Medicare I know pays for 3 months 3 times a week with the beginning of the year approaching that might be an option for you to at least try it.

Best wishes to you.
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Mariavictoria30 Nov 2022
my dad is in restorative therapy which is when they pick him up everyday and walk him around after being in physical therapy for two months im thinking this is a good idea to get an outside opinion too he seems really depressed not being able to walk it’s so difficult
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Get the help you need to get him to the wheelchair and then take him for a stroll noticing all the good people and the beautiful scenes you pass on your way. Life w him may be short now and it may not be exactly the way you expected or wanted it to be. But go with what is possible. You can adjust you own view. Be positive and enjoy each visit with him just as he is. My father w dementia lost ability to walk. So did his sister my favorite aunt. Now my long term partner is slowly declining w dementia. I am at the AL and MC residence everyday. I see the dementia decline of so many knowing one day it may be me. Keep a positive attitude. Enjoy the small moments together. Memories are what we have in the end. Try to make them good ones.
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This is my experience - maybe it will offer some help. The dementia robs them of the judgment that lying in the bed is a sure way to become bedridden and then more problems arise.

My 95 yo mother would never get out of the bed if I gave her a choice. She lives with me so I have the benefit of controlling the situation.

Every day she has to get up - usually around 12:30 pm and walk to the kitchen - with an escort at all times - and sit in her chair - it's a big comfy wingchair - until around 6 pm when she can return to her bed.

When she gets restless and wants to "go back to bed", we instead do laps around the kitchen island. Yesterday we did 8 - the day before we did 10. And before you know it, she's happy to get back into her chair.

She also still gets physical therapy once a week on a maintenance program for people with dementia that Medicare and her insurance cover as long as she is able to do the exercises.

If she were to be allowed to lie in the bed all day and all night, she would also lose the ability to walk because of increased muscle atrophy.

I imagine that in a nursing home, she would not be encouraged to get up if she was happy to lie in bed - less work for the staff, and honestly, how can they give their residents one-on-one attention all day long anyway.

I have also heard that dementia will eventually rob her of the ability to walk.

However, for now, as long as she can put one foot in front of the other one, I won't let her stop.

Hugs to you - It's painful.
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SusanHeart Nov 2022
I am with you and am the same way.
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Can you have a conversation with your dad about what he wants? So often in care settings others talk at the resident and give instructions or orders or ask questions without waiting for answers. Even with dementia, there can be ways of communicating one's thoughts/feelings/fears.
While SNF can't force him to spend all day in WC, having a patient care conference with them soonish to talk about goals of care would be my suggestion. Meet with the SW first, explain your concerns. Very often the plan is that the patient is up in WC and goes to dining room for noon meal. Afternoon rest on the bed if necessary. (Fully clothed, atop the bedding, warm blanket over him.). Then back up in WC for evening meal - in the dining room if possible.
Then back to bed for the night.
Wheelchairs are not that comfy. Do they have a cushion for him? Can they suggest a type of cushion for you to purchase for him? (gel, waffle, etc). Be sure to write his name on a cushion if you buy one!
Sometimes a patient refuses to get up in WC for fear of being left in it ('stuck in it) all day. (A quick assisted stand in bathroom to provide hygiene care in afternoon isn't a real break from sitting). A clear plan may help your dad feel more ok.
And yes, saying, Mr. X, time to get up for evening meal, and then just getting him ready to transfer is an acceptable approach. If he argues or stiffens up and resists, then they need to respect his wish. That time. But not an excuse to not try again the next day.
And ask the social worker about resources for you. Support groups help a lot, just to hear from others who know this path....take the suggestions that fit for you, and leave the rest. Just like this forum.
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I had a difficult time with my wife. The doctors said nothing stopping her from walking but she has slowly deteriorated over this last year to the point she can not stand on her own. It is a mental thing on both parts. She has lost the will to walk and I have lost the hope she would. Many dreams have vanished. Now I focus as a care giver. Dementia is starting and it is difficult to watch the one you love fade away. I try to find time alone to clear my mind and focus on those things that make me happy.
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You cannot keep your father alive and well by making him sit up or walk. You are distressed because you are not accepting the reality of your father's condition. You cannot change your father's decline by not wanting it to be true.

It is wonderful that you have found a good nursing home situation. Help your father remain as comfortable and engaged as he can be whatever his physical and mental functioning.
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You’ve had many good suggestions for ways to make your dad happy and as peaceful as possible during his stay at the nursing home. It’s difficult to know when someone is getting closer to death. It helped me when my dad (at about age 89) started to lose his ability to walk, to begin to see my role as MPOA less as a caregiver who needed to provide care that would “help him get better,” and more as one who would provide support that would help him stay comfortable and happy.

Watch a few Teepa Snow videos online. She is the guru of dementia caregiving, and can help you better understand how their minds work and why they think and feel as they do. My dad loved going out in the wheelchair to walk and see the outdoors, but he was quite clear when he wasn’t in the mood and didn’t want to go, and it was often hard for me to accept that, but when I did, and gave him autonomy over the activity choices, it was usually better.

I agree with those who suggest that you start with a statement, “It’s time for our walk dad!” And only back down if he is actively against the idea.

Many people in our culture are terribly fearful of death. It also was a great comfort for me to allow myself to stop and “look” at death’s door instead of running away from it screaming in fear with my hands in the air. Dad was merely moving in a very normal progression towards what we all face eventually. Hospice is an option if you feel it fits at this stage, and not necessarily a sign that he’s going to pass immediately. Dad was with hospice for over a year before he passed, and they helped us give him two wonderful trips back to his lakehouse that we couldn’t have made possible without them.

You are an amazing, caring child and you are obviously going above and beyond to do everything you can to be there for him. That’s the best you can do! Just keep being you - but also don’t forget to care for yourself with love as well. You need the TLC to continue on as a caregiver.🥰
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It is tough to watch someone we love decline. I, too, have a 91 year old mom in skilled nursing doing rehab. She is working to walk again. I think she prefers sitting in a wheelchair, doesn’t eat much, and sleeps a ton. She doesn’t like the food provided and has made that abundantly clear. I don’t think she will be able to return to AL, and will have to stay in the skilled nursing unit. It is a depressing place.

All of it is so hard. I feel for you. I recognize and understand your frustration completely. Take it a day at a time. Lots of deep breaths. Work on accepting what is and just do the best you can.
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Depends on health or physical conditions, not just age. For example, my mother was still lucid at age 92 but could no longer live alone. We did live together until she declined so much in one year that an NH was required.
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I am almost 66 and I had a fall during the winter. I shattered my ankle and foot and broke a bone in my lower leg. I rehabbed for several months, but cannot walk or stand. Not what I expected but it is what it is. Some days I simply do not want to get up and my family has learned not to push to go out and get air, look at leaves or whatever. Sometimes I want to lay on the sofa or rest in bed, etc. I know my family has good intentions, but sometimes they have to back off. You may need to take the lead in what your dad wants to do for himself. Don't make it about what you want him to do. Not being able to walk is not the beginning of the end. It's just a change in your abilities and strengths.
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The same thing happened to my wife about 9 months ago. It came in fast after a fall the broke her wrist and landed her in a care facility. It was a very bad experience for her. Not there now. She is home and can not walk or stand. Has dementia. I am her caregiver and had to give up work. Our lives have changed forever.
only advice is to keep your sanity and try to take me time as much as possible.
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I'm always surprised by those who suggest that 75 isn't "that" old. Some people at 75 are spry while others are frail. Your dad is frail and dementia contributes to making that worse. He's losing weight and can't walk. Perhaps it's time to have a consultation with hospice. So sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.
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Geaton777 Nov 2022
NYDaughterInLaw, yes you are right... it's all relative. In my family 75 is not very old considering the longevity my Mom and all her 7 sibliings experienced. If I could delete that comment, I would.
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Your profile says your Dad is 75 years, which is not "that" elderly nowadays. If dementia is his only issue, then I doubt this is the beginning of the end...

Please give more detail about how he "lost his ability to walk". Did he have a stroke? A fall?

My MIL is in a good facility in LTC. She started in AL but then was choosing to never get out of bed, even to eat. She has mild/mod memory loss and not much dementia but her lack of movement caused her to now be bed bound (also she had a broken back in 2009 for which she did very little rehab/PT). Then one day I think the staff figured out how to get her to at least get into the wheelchair to go have meals in the dining room. She stays in the chair most of the day, the staff come get her for activities. So, what seemed dismal is not better, inexplicably. Don't lose heart but do engage and help the staff in getting your Dad at least to meals. My husband made a large sign in his own handwriting that said, "Mom, please do what the staff asks you to." The staff would point to it when she wouldn't cooperate.

Others are correct in saying that you don't ask or beg him to get into his chair. You roll into his room with the chair and announce "It's time to go to (the activity) now! Let's get you into your chariot (wink)". Or you can tell him (gently) it's "doctor's orders". Whatever you think will work. Don't give up. We never thought we'd see my MIL get up, out and do things.
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Mariavictoria30 Nov 2022
My dad took haldol for 5 days this is what made him not able to walk his balance is very bad now
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Mariavictoria30,

I am very sorry to know of your emotional struggle with witnessing your dear father, Harry, in his decline.

I understand how hard it is, as do most of the people on this forum. I struggle every day with having been MPOA for my beloved Dad and having to call an end to heroic measures with a change to Hospice only when he lost his battle with Covid at age 80, two years ago. I'm watching my 88 year old Mom, in a MC unit, in decline with dementia and the gradual loss of her physical abilities. It's heart-wrenching to watch our parents in decline, there is no avoiding these emotions.

There are some things you may want to consider to ease your mind through this process. It seems that your dad is making his own choices to not have staff going through the whole difficult process of getting him up and into a WC; it's likely hard on his dignity to require this help and he is choosing to avoid it, for his own reasons. It sounds like he is willing to get up with family prompting as much for you as for himself. Please try to see this as his making his own choices to let go and although he's willing to do it for you and likely enjoys the WC trips, he doesn't want to be just one more old guy sitting around all day. WCs are uncomfortable if left for more than 2 hrs or if left in a WC 'line up' on the unit. He is making his own choices. Allow him that dignity.

When you can visit, go ahead and get him up, if he's willing, and treasure the times that you can share looking at the fall leaves and every other lucid, 'new-normal' moment that you can share with him.

With dementia, independent ambulation becomes dangerous. They forget to use their walkers and there are a number of other causes for falls. You don't want him to be injured and in pain. WCs are also a cause of falls because they can slip out, try to get out and fall; restraints cannot be used without very good cause and he's safest in his bed.

Harry is making his own decisions and he is letting go. He needs you to accept his choices. When the elderly withdraw from their physical abilities, they are making a conscious choice to do so. You'll begin to notice his loss of sight and hearing, a general loss of interest in all things; the weight loss signals loss of appetite and muscle atrophy. This is the natural process of dying. I think that this may be the thing you're missing: your father is deciding to leave this life.

Please make the most of your time with him and when he's in a more lucid cycle, talk with him about what he wants. Talk about the reality of his dying and your feelings about his decision to let go. I think that rather than having to plan for the post-visit breakdowns, you can ease a lot of your emotional turmoil by speaking with him about how difficult this is for you - because you love him and and he's your father, the man who's always been there for you. I'm not suggesting you burden him with overwhelming emotions, but rather, that you have these talks with him and let him know how much you love him and how hard it is to let him go.

I had to make the call to end life-sustaining measures for my Dad when it was clear that he'd remain ventilator-dependent and in a SNF the rest of his life, if he survived beyond the ICU. I knew he never wanted that because we talked about all of this when both parents made me their MPOA. When my Dad was extubated and taken off the meds required to keep him on the vent, he was somewhat lucid, but so weak that his body gave out within an hour.

I'm speaking of the heroics with my Dad because you now have the chance to make decisions on what to do once your beloved father stops eating and withdraws further from life. Decide now - if not already in an Advanced Directives - on what measures you will or will not implement. Clarify what he wants and prepare your self to not keep him lingering with a feeding tube in a frail hope of recovery. You have the gift of that time now.

I wish you peace, strength and clarity.
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Doingmybest101 Nov 2022
Perfect answer. As hard as it is to witness, we all leave this earth at one point. He's tired and going through the dying process. Just make it easier for him. Surround him with his favorite things. Play his favorite music. Talk to him and reminisce. Once we met my dad where he was, rather than where we wanted him to be, we were all more at peace.
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I’m so sorry you are going thru this horrible sequence of terminal events. I just went thru it as well. My husband passed away 3 months ago after a rapid decline with several falls. Sending hugs and prayers to you. It’s very hard🙏🤗💜
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JoAnn29 Nov 2022
So sorry for your loss
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It sure is hard to watch our parents decline. It seems like PT did their best but then he did not progress enough to walk on his own anymore. If progress is not being made, they have to suspend PT at some pointe. Very sad but I guess you'll have to come to terms with this. It's part of his decline, of his dementia, of this new part of his life.

I agree with others on getting a hospice eval. Who knows? Maybe these issues are signs that he is getting near enough to the end to qualify?

You could ask the staff to get him into his wheelchair every day. When you go, don't ask if he want to get into his wheelchair, just be assertive and nicely tell him it's time to get in his chair because you want to take him for a walk. My mom has dementia and if I ask her if she wants to do virtually anything, she says no. So I don't ask and I've instructed her caregivers to be more assertive. She can still resist when we're assertive (OK, let's do a puzzle! or Time for your shower, etc.) and if she does, we let it be.

I hope you find a way to calm down and deal with this stressful situation as best as you can. It's not good for us to be too upset and stress too much. It's not easy to deal with but we have to be good and kind to ourselves too.

Best of luck.
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A nursing home cannot force a resident to get into his wheelchair if he says no, contrary to what others may think, UNLESS there is a clause in the resident contract or agreement stating it is their policy for all residents to be dressed and put into a wheelchair daily. Can you imagine the outrage and shouts of REDIDENT RIGHTS VIOLATIONS if they were to do that?

Its hard to see our parent decline, I know, I watched it with both of mine. I don't know what you can "do" to change this situation now for your dad, it may be out of your hands. You can get him a hospice evaluation to see if he is indeed thought to be approaching the end of his life. One way or another, though, is it not your dad's right to live his life as HE sees fit now? With dementia at play, much of the quality of his life has been stripped away from him, no matter how hard you try to make things nice for him. Things reached the point with my mother and her dementia that I prayed daily for God to come take her out of her misery. She went into a wheelchair nearly 3 years before she passed bc of neuropathy in her legs and feet. She was making no progress with physical therapy, and it felt too cruel to force or coerce her into doing it for MY sake. Because it wouldn't be for her sake at that point....she was too wobbly on her feet with terrible balance issues and vertigo to boot. So the wheelchair was her best bet. I know she felt relieved to be done with the "torture" she called physical therapy.

Maybe your dad needs time to adjust to his new normal, so allow him that time. Don't try to force anything on him bc he's already confused enough from the dementia.

Boost makes a drink called Very High Calorie Boost which has around 550 calories in an 8oz serving. You may want to get him some, and bring him a real milkshake when you go visit.

These visits are tough, I know. I'd end up crying myself at the end of a visit with mom or dad (both in wheelchairs) at the end, so I feel your pain. My advice to you is to get the hospice evaluation so you'll know where dad stands with respect to his lifespan. Then let go of managing his health and physical therapy and just be his loving daughter until God decides He needs him more in heaven than being an angel on earth. Hold his hand, rub his head, soothe his brow, bring him cookies and milkshakes. Try to make these visits as stress FREE as possible for both of you, so that when you look back on these times, it'll be with fond memories vs you insisting he do something he's too tired to do. That's my advice from a daughter who's been in the trenches with both of her parents who are now gone.

Best of luck.
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So sorry your dad is going through this. Look at it this way, the body is designed to move. If it doesn't it will start to decline.

Prayers for your dad and you.
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Mariavictoria30 Oct 2022
Thank you ! 💛
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If you're POA, you TELL the staff you want Dad up, dressed and in his chair every day. They should know better than to let him stay in bed all day, they should know better than to let him stay in bed, but if it takes you spelling it out for them, then, so be it. There is absolutely no reason why he should be in bed all day.

I realize the thought of losing your father is upsetting, but there’s really no good purpose to getting exhausted and tearful every single day. Part of life includes the end of life, so be supportive and helpful to your dad, but stop denying the reality that he’s declining.

I don’t see any evidence that this is “the beginning of the end" but then, the beginning of the end is the day we’re born.
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Cover999 Oct 2022
Exactly
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You and the staff need to realize that you don't ask a person suffering from Dementia what they want...you just do it. If they fight you or the staff then you stop. Your Dad can no longer make informed decisions. You begging him...he does not understand why he needs to get up and move. Next time you visit, ask a staff member to help you get him into a wheelchair. If he fights, leave him alone.

My Mom started to hum. Each day the humming got a little louder. To the point my Mom was medicated for anxiety. Next thing that happened is she shut her eyes but seemed responsive. Last thing...she would not get out of bed. I told the nurses to let her be. Next was she was having problems swallowing. I then said Hospice. Mom passed 6 days later, 20 minutes after my nephew and I visited and he was the last family member to visit. The one she worried about. From the time she showed anxiety to her passing was 2 weeks. Mom was 89.

Nurses cannot recommend Hospice. It needs a Doctors order. I suggest you talk to the DON to have Hospice come in and evaluate Dad.
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When my mother was in a NH she had zero ability to walk or do most anything else. There were very few days she was not up in a wheelchair. The normal routine was up in a wheelchair after dressing her for the day in the morning, back in bed for a nap after lunch, and back in wheelchair until bath and bedtime. In four years there was never a pressure/bed sore. She was rotated every three to four hours while in bed. You dad’s muscles can atrophy if he isn’t moving enough, this gets increasingly painful for him. Consider if he’s dealing with depression that’s contributing to his lack of wanting to get up, a small dose of a med for this could help. It’s important mentally and physically to get up and see different spaces daily. On the flip side, if he’s ending end of life (a medical consultation can help assess this) it’s kinder to leave him alone and keep his room quiet and peaceful. I’m sorry, I know firsthand how hard this is to watch. You have to make your own peace with knowing that decline and loss are also natural parts of life, no fun to experience but coming for us all nevertheless. I hope you can find more information on your dad’s condition so you’ll know the best plan going forward. Most of all, just hold his hand and let him know your love and care
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Mariavictoria30 Oct 2022
Thank you so much !
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I have to say I'm appalled that any nursing home would allow someone to remain in bed day after day...yes, people should have autonomy but it's not healthy either physically or mentally. Getting up (with a lift if necessary), getting washed and dressed and toileted, then getting down to the dining room for meals was just an accepted part of living in a facility at my mom's NH - nobody stayed in bed unless they were acutely ill or actively dying. I would call ahead and ask that he be ready to go out when you arrive, then get him out of that room as much as possible - take him to the dining room, outside, to any activities or just stroll through the facility.

One thought - when you say wheelchair I hope you are not talking about the basic ones we are all familiar with at hospitals, those are not designed for all day sitting and would be very uncomfortable (and I can understand why he'd rather be in bed). Since he is likely to spend the majority of his days in a wheelchair it is imperative to get something better; ask about having him fitted for a custom tilt in place chair, there should be benefits available to defray the cost.
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Cover999 Oct 2022
It's a NH, unless the OP bought/rent his own, there is a good chance it's similar to a hospital one.
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This is a continuation of the decline that dementia brings.
This is one of the many declines that he has had over the years but the loss of the ability to walk is a defining one.
the thing to watch for now are pressure sores. Make sure that the staff is repositioning him every few hours so that will minimize pressure sores.
If he is on Hospice ask that they provide a bed with a mattress that will provide movement to help prevent sores. If he is not on Hospice his doctor can order one.
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Mariavictoria30 Oct 2022
Thank you .
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