Have you found that your relationship with parents, or the person you are caring for, has been irreparably damaged?

One of my cousins stepped up and moved back in with his parents when his father's dementia and his mom's CHF became unmanageable. They had in home care as well; he needed to work.

He got called out, constantly, by his sibling and other family members for being a "moocher". His career suffered, his long term relationship fell apart. His mother died first and father was moved to Memeory Care and then a VA nursing home, where he thrived for several years after his wife's death.

My cousin (the caregiver/moocher) committed suicide this past week.

I wonder how much of his despair stemmed from the broken-ness that resulted from his attempts to keep his parents in their home and the subsequent family issues.

I have two answers to this question. Yes and no. I had a very good relationship with my mother throughout my adult life (as evidenced by my profile pic, taken when I was around 30), until she got old and started to need help. I actually wanted to take care of her, but kept getting smacked in the face that her idea and my idea of it were totally different. My idea of caregiving was to do as much for her as I was moved to do by caring and compassion. Her idea of it was to have me do whatever she wanted done for her, regardless of my feelings about it. We clashed and knocked heads about this, over and over again. And it pained me deeply that she seemed willing to ruin the good relationship we'd always had in order to be tended and catered to her every wish and whim.

For the most part, I took care of her grudgingly, due to the lack of decent alternatives. During the last weeks of her life, though, this changed. I'd have to say she changed. She was like a sweet baby - loving, cheerful, grateful for everything I did. It was the most intense and profound experience of my life. I can't say that's common in such a fraught relationship, but it's what happened between me and Mom. Because of that, my memories of her are mostly positive, and I'm not nearly as angry and bitter as I might otherwise have been.

You have trained your parents as to who you are and what you do. With parents who behave as they have for most of their lives, who are self absorbed, better said as narcissists, interested in only their own image in the mirrors, you will be treated as you act. If you play servant to their needs you will be treated as their servant. There isn't anything surprising here. So basically, it is up to you. When you find their behavior unacceptable you will move away from it, and then when you DO visit, you may be an apple of their eyes, as well.
I recall a friend who had a many years partner who she did EVERYTHING for. My friend fell very ill. The partner did nothing for her and then left.
She went to a shrink and the shrink said "You taught Kathleen what you are and what you do, and what you expect of her (nothing)". Now you are sick and you want her to care for you. YOU are the one who broke the contract. She is out of there."
Sad, isn't it? When people Martyr themselves to others they hope people will say "Oh, you are so good to do that" or hope the one they do FOR will say "I love you so much". But nope. It will just become the norm. The expected. And WOE the day you say you can't do it. Because YOU will be the one who broke the contract.

My parents were wonderful when I was growing up and I thought the world of them. Upon retirement, they decided to spend their days sitting around the house drinking wine and bickering with each other. Well, a decade of that and they are now a mess, MY mess, and they are people I no longer recognize. I absolutely hate the people they have become. Dad was placed in a dementia care home prior even to turning 80. Mom remains a dysfunctional alcoholic shut-in at her home near my house. I cope by running family photos, birthday cards, and even their wedding album through my shredder. I know, F'ed-up, but it's the way I take out my frustrations. The horrible people they have become are ruining my life.

I'm not sure "damaged" is the right word. My father's vascular dementia destroyed our relationship. I believe it would have destroyed our relationship even if I hadn't provided any care for him. Dad was as hateful to my brother who never took any direct care responsibilities as he was to me. There was certainly no going back or saving the prior relationship because his broken brain just wasn't capable. I came to view dementia Dad as a completely different person than "my" Dad, the man who raised me. My love and affection for "my" Dad didn't change; instead it became the basis for being able to care about and put up with dementia Dad.

With my mother who has short term memory problems with MCI but not true dementia (at least yet), the relationship has also changed because she isn't able to read and discuss books or local politics much anymore. Some days we can talk about a newspaper article she read earlier but most often she has forgotten the article by the next day. We talk more about old photos and people who died when I was a child now that we did before her memory issues. Even though I provide direct care for my mother, our relationship hasn't really changed that much, maybe because Mom's base personality hasn't changed much either. Maybe because I have more choices and accept responsibility for my own decisions. I choose to have Mom live with me so I can care for her. Mom isn't making me miss ballgames or nights out with friends and family because she didn't make that choice, I did.

A lot of caregivers are in a situation where they don't feel they have choices and are dealing with someone where a disease has totally changed their base personalities. My first real job out of college developed into a situation where I didn't want to work there any longer but really needed the job because of my debt (student and auto loans) and lack of any savings. It took a couple of years to pay off the debt and get a couple months living expenses saved. At that point, I felt I could walk out on that job because I could make enough to cover my normal bills working as a Kelly girl until I found something better. The situation at work hadn't changed all that much, but the amount of stress it caused me was dramatically different. Just knowing I could walk away any time I chose to made all the difference. I believe that sense of being "trapped" makes very difficult situations much harder.

Barb, I'm so sorry about your cousin! I bet his years of caregiving played a part in his despair. How many years did he do it for?

My relationship with my mother was irreparably damaged because of the expectations she put on me and her devaluing of my contributions.

Sorry about your cousin, Barb. How awful!

My short answer:

Yes it can.
Unless too busy, living
your OWN life.

When siblings do finally do something it is so appreciated by the parent while you’ve been doing it all along without any acknowledgement whatsoever. They won’t even ask the sibling to do anything because you do it all for them & sometimes they feel the sibling is busy & you’re not.
it sounds like it’s time to step back & let them help out but watch out when you do because some siblings are vindictive & will retaliate against you. When that happens relationships cannot be saved.

The short answer is yes. The relationship is never the same.

Irreparably, there are too many variables to answer that question. For me, no. Not irreparably. For others, perhaps. Depends on the circumstances.