My mother. Can I just take her and have her evaluated for dementia?

Tell your mom that she needs to be seen by her doctor or she'll lose her Medicare, or some such therapeutic fib.

Have her doctor order a PT evaluation so she can be measured for a walker and shown how to use it.

Call your local area agency on aging and ask for a " needs assessment". Tell them (in front of mom) that she's so uncooperative that you fear you'll be found unfit to be a caregiver for her.

NYDaughterInLaw - you gave me a smile this afternoon - a sad smile but a smile nonetheless. My parents had two matching upholstered chairs - high back, swiveled and rocked. Because they were so highbacked they were very tippy. I can't tell you the number of times my dad fell using these chairs for surfing - he also tipped over backwards sitting in one a number of times. But my mother really liked these chairs so they stayed. My brother and I nicknamed them The Chairs of Death.

Since this is your home, you must insist that you will have someone come into YOUR home to help her. If this is not acceptable to her, then she needs to,live where she can dictate the rules.

I had to lay the law down to my Dad back in June. It was me or the NH...pick. I wasn't going to do this without the PoA and medical proxy. I was going to have in home care, and I was going to have all the authority to file for and receive insurance benefits for it. OR...he could go to NH.

He complains about it. Says he has no control over his life . But it was my way.

So..put your foot down. You cannot be left to have all the responsibility in this without the authority.

You need a durable POA for your mother. Expedite having those papers prepared, find two witnesses (not family), and a notary. Someone other than you should explain the document to your mother, preferably an attorney. You want full POA.

As to her refusal to use a walker, for example, you must be firm. Whenever she isn't using the walker, bring it to her. Every time you take her out, insist on her using the walker. Before my MIL agreed to use a cane, she furniture surfed a swivel chair and went face first into the closet.

In general, do not negotiate with your mother. Yours and hubby's home; yours and hubby's rules. When she makes bad decisions, you must reinforce. For example "Mother, your doctor wants you to use a walker and you are going to use your walker."

You do not need to ask your mother's permission to bring in help. Just do it. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but you need to separate your mother the needy patient from your mother the woman you love dearly. Do not make a big production about bringing in help and she will adapt. Act "as if" you are in charge and pretty soon, your mother will realize that you are in charge.

Spot on, Katie. Responsibility without authority is bullshit (please pardon my language) and it just doesn't work.

This will never be easy, but you just have to do what you needs to be done. My mom would argue with me about everything, the logic and reasoning are gone. You have to trick her. Don't worry - she will forget about it.

I took my mom to a geriatric assessment center at the local hospital they diagnosed her with Alzheimer's. It took 3 tries but I eventually got her there. Lie, tell her you want her to meet a friend of yours that is a nurse (that's what I did).

Then we took her to a lawyer, she was livid - but he was an elder care attorney and was extremely good with my mom. Her explained that he works for her, made his recommendation and her defenses went down. POA is essential - or you will not be able to help her.

My mom was never good with home health care- she never accepted it. Each time we tried it was awful. We enrolled her in an adult day care facility that specialized in dementia. She loved it - it gave her a purpose to her day.

Some places like that may even provide assessments - tell her its the local senior center. She may enjoy getting out of the house - and it give you a break.

onlyacargiver.....and you are not ONLY a caregiver bu the way.....
I wonder if it will help to tell your Mom that the person you are going to have some in to help is there to help YOU.
Your Mom might feel that having someone come in will be a financial burden and she does not want to think about the "added expense" that she is costing. So if you explain that the help is for you then she might be more willing to accept someone in. At first when the caregiver comes in have them do a few things for you then maybe help out in Moms room. Then maybe bring Mom lunch. Then ask if Mom wants to get out for a walk. Maybe even tell Mom that "the laundry is in the wash and there is nothing to do until it is dried so we have time to get some fresh air". That way the caregiver will little by little do more for Mom and you can get out.

Ok update: I just want to thank everyone for their answers and it took a couple more weeks but I put my big girl pants and got in charges.. I finally figured that she is just one unhappy person and no matter what I did she is not going to be happy. So I told her one day we go to the doctor to get help or choose another place to live. Boy was she mad but she walked out the door and went to the doctor. Within 2 days a health nurse came and we had therapist in here within five training her on using the Walker and she now uses it all the time. If she tries to go back to furniture surfing I tell her that it's my job to keep her safe it's her job to help keep it safe so we need to use the Walker. I get a tongue sticking out but that's ok. Social worker as part of this program is coming to the house to talking to her about POA and do a small competence eval on her to see if she is competent to sign POA. Also to talk to her and us about resources in the community and guardianship if she cannot take care of her own finances and she is not competent to make decisions. So then a doctor will evaluate for competency and I will go for guardianship. I took charge and she knows it. Doesn't like it all the time but oh well. These therapist are great and do not let her get away with anything! Thanks everyone. This is a hard job and have to accept there is constant change with their abilities physically and mentally. I am so glad for this site I've learned a lot of useful infornation. I find as we go along her argumentative ways are getting shorter and the she doesn't remember that she said some nasty things. When she has to do some new change like the people coming into the house I say "I know it's hard but you can handle this". It goes smoother and I always remind her it's not an option. Thanks once again!

You rock!!!!!! I'm so glad that you were able to see your way clear to taking charge and doing what is best for her. My feeling is....they showed us how to become grownups; now that they are no longer able to make good decisions, we have to do what they taught us to do when they were younger and stronger.

onlyacaregiver, you did exactly the right thing and your mother respects you for it. She was just pushing back to see if you would take control. You did. Good for both of you!!