Have any of you gone against your children to place your spouse in a care facility?

When doctors recommend a NH, tell your children you are following medical advice.

If this is your chance you should take it

Katie, I seem to recall that you were ready to leave this marriage when your husband became ill, due to the abusive nature of the relationship. Is that still your mindset?

I think you need to have a sit down with the discharge planners and indicate that you will be seeking a rehab unit that will be able to provide long term care as you will no longer be available as his caregiver due to his abuse.

Have you seen a divorce attorney? I think that you probably need to seek out a law firm that includes eldercare, divorce and estate planning specialties.

If he is deemed competent, he won't need to become a ward of the state. If he is not competent, the kids should feel free to step in and direct his care.

KatieKat I'm sorry to be obtuse - why would you have to make your husband a ward of state if you select rehab in an NH?

You know your kids will hate you... Why do you think so?

Could you use your phone to make an audio or a video of your husband’s ‘mean’ outbursts? Perhaps your kids aren’t ever there when it happens. Do you think that the kids want you to do it all so that ‘their’ inheritance is left intact? It might help if you can say either that it is left all to you, not to them, or alternatively that it is inevitable that his care will result in his own savings being spent down to Medicaid level. They might deny that money is an issue for them, but putting it all on the table won’t do any harm. And of course you can say that they are welcome to take him in, on the same terms that you have been doing.

Could you get them onto the job of finding an appropriate facility for him? It will at least shut them up for a while! In terms of experience, you aren't going to make your kids happy with the outcome, but after it is in place the aggro is going to drop down. Just make sure that they know about the money, so that the end result isn't going to blow it all up again.

I’m curious, are your children willing to become his full time caregivers? Or do they expect you to do it all, including putting up with his abuse until he dies? (Or you die?). I have to say, if your children have been of no help and aren’t currently supporting you, you should do what you gotta do. Do whatever is best for you & your husband regardless of your children’s opinions. I’m very sorry, I know this is a tough spot to be in l.