I've posted recently about the problems I've had with my husband. He recently underwent coronary artery bypass grafting that failed and was in ICU unconscious for 12 days. He has been moved to the floor but is unable to walk and use his arms/hands correctly. He also has ICU psychosis. He has been spewing hateful things to me and the nurses - things I've heard before. They are recommending a short-term rehab facility. My choices are rehab only or a nursing home that does rehab. I believe he will regain full cognizance - he is just mean as hell! I know my kids will hate me if I make him a ward of the State and place him in a care facility (He has the money to pay for it) but they would be little to no help. What are your experiences in going against your children for this?

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I remember your previous posts. So tell me if I am wrong, husband has been some kind of abuser during your marriage. You allowed it so children side with Dad because he never had any respect for u so they don't either. If this is the case, then get out.

He will go to rehab which Medicare pays for 100% first 20 days. 21st to 100-50%. Supplimental may pick up some but may have to pay about $160 a day. Since he has been in the hospital so long he maybe in rehab a while. Since he has children and money, not sure if he can be made ward of the state. And if he could be, I think one of ur children may contest that.

So, while he is in rehab, you consult with a lawyer. Sometimes first visit is free. Even though money is in husbands name, you have been his wife for a number of years. He may need to pay you alimony. Even though my state is a non-alimony state, you can obtain alimony for 3 yrs to get on your feet. Your entitled to part of his pension. Now thats if you divorce.

You have to ask about being a Community spouse. As such, you should be able to stay in the house and have a car. Money will be split so you will not be impoverished. His money will need to be spent down to pay for his care. Refuse to take him home. You cannot care for someone like this. If children protest, tell them they can care for him because you aren't.

Really, there are ways to get on your own. Do u collect SS? There are senior buildings that charge rent on scale. U can find help with utilities. Food stamps, food closets. The only person who can help you is you. Use this time to get your life together.
Helpful Answer (26)

Katie, I seem to recall that you were ready to leave this marriage when your husband became ill, due to the abusive nature of the relationship. Is that still your mindset?

I think you need to have a sit down with the discharge planners and indicate that you will be seeking a rehab unit that will be able to provide long term care as you will no longer be available as his caregiver due to his abuse.

Have you seen a divorce attorney? I think that you probably need to seek out a law firm that includes eldercare, divorce and estate planning specialties.

If he is deemed competent, he won't need to become a ward of the state. If he is not competent, the kids should feel free to step in and direct his care.
Helpful Answer (19)

I'm speaking as a daughter here. If you were my mother and my father was abusive toward you and raised me to be a "good girl" and value his wishes over yours, I too might object to placing the king in LTC because I didn't know any better. But I was definitely not raised that way.

As a daughter, I hope you will take yourself out from under the king's thumb. Have you saved any money in cash?

Please listen to what Barb has to say. I agree completely that "you probably need to seek out a law firm that includes eldercare, divorce and estate planning specialties".

I suspect you protected your children from the king's wrath and kept the peace. They will see his true nature if they step up once you leave. And one of two things will happen: they will accept the king's wrath coming down upon them or they will understand why you did what you did and flee to their mother. Maybe some will do the former and others the latter.

What good is it doing you protecting the king at all cost? Do you want better for yourself? Do you believe that you deserve better? As a daughter, I would want better for my mother.
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MountainMoose Apr 2019
*lifts hand to the sky* Preach it, NYDIL!
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Just because he put everything in his name, which was done with the intention of keeping you under his abusive thumb. Doesn't mean that you are not legally entitled to half of everything and if he dies, it's all yours, or does his will leave you impoverished begging for your bread?

Please follow Barbs advice while he is in the hospital and the NH/rehab. Your kids will turn on you or not, but enough of the meek mild kicking post for this abusive man. That's what sucks so much, they beat you down until you think what they say is true and getting out from under that is scary and hard, they do their jobs well, look how long you believed him. You can do this and you can do it with at least half the marital assets.

Please Katie, don't lay down one more day for this male to walk all over you. Find an attorney today.

Ps. Stop going to the hospital or rehab, he's on his own, no need to be there, he will be taken care of.
Helpful Answer (17)

so Katie, just so you understand....

Rehab in a NH setting is still paid for by Medicare while he's doing rehab. No decision will need to be made about whether he's going to stay there long term for a bit. But the point is, it IS a place where he could stay if that's the level of care that he needs.

As for all the assets being in his name, well, is that a symptom of a larger marital problem? Did you earn any of that money?

You REALLY need to see a lawyer. Depending upon the amount of assets, if, when divided in half mean that DH is looking at using Medicaid funding down the road, the marital assets need to be divided in such a way as to allow you to continue to live your life. Medicaid does NOT impoverish the community (the one not living in the NH) spouse.

It sounds to me as though these decisions are even more fraught with emotion than they usually are for spouses. Consider seeing a counselor, perhaps?
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Jannner Apr 2019
Medicare pays for 3 weeks of rehab or they are supposed to pay for as long as they are improving. They kicked my mother out at exactly 3 weeks when they claimed she reached a “plateau” and wouldn’t progress farther which was bull, she wasn’t even using a walker proficiently at the time , now she uses a walker but can walk perfectly well with out it. She has dementia and was still under the effects of the anesthesia and morphine from the surgery .
When doctors recommend a NH, tell your children you are following medical advice.
Helpful Answer (14)

Why would you make him a ward of the State? There is absolutely no reason to do this unless you've decided that you want him out of your life for good. You can have him placed in a LTC facility without that. If he has private money to pay for his own care, you should be able to place him in a care facility. I would choose one that has step up to a dementia unit in case it's needed in the future. Ultimately, as his spouse, it is up to you to determine what's best for your husband, and what's best for you. I was my husband's caregiver for 29 years, and I was the one who had to deal with the 24/7 care, not my children. Who is his medical power of attorney? As for your children hating you, unless they are the ones doing the hands-on 24/7 taking care of all of his needs, so what? Caregivers need to stand up for themselves and not take everything that is pushed on them.
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CaregiverL Apr 2019
Maallis10...couldn’t have said it better myself. You are absolutely right!
I’m curious, are your children willing to become his full time caregivers? Or do they expect you to do it all, including putting up with his abuse until he dies? (Or you die?). I have to say, if your children have been of no help and aren’t currently supporting you, you should do what you gotta do. Do whatever is best for you & your husband regardless of your children’s opinions. I’m very sorry, I know this is a tough spot to be in l.
Helpful Answer (13)

KatieKat, I just read your last reply. Something like "I don't think the kids would object to rehab, but they would to a ltc facility".

Why is this THEIR lookout more than yours? Are these YOUR children as well as his, or is this a second marriage and these are stepchildren?

My mom, who was caregiver for my dad with chronic leukemia for 15 long years taught me by word and example that in a caregiving situation, you HAVE to look out for yourself first, otherwise, you are of no use to the sick person.

I know that you hope that his abusive nature mellows. But don't count on it.
Helpful Answer (12)

All I can say is I am glad I live in Australia. This man could have everything in his name and it would make no difference when it came to a divorce. 50/50 all the way and probably more if the court decided you needed it

get advice on how to go forward from here. Get support system going. Get a lawyer. Get all you can and get gone
Helpful Answer (12)
Isthisrealyreal Apr 2019
Same here panda, doesn't matter who it's titled to in a marriage. Wife gets 50%.
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