Have any caregivers left their loved one in a memory care facility for respite?

I take my 86 year old mother to a local facility called American House for respite care. This was during 2021 when low staffing was still a major issue and even the staff I spoke with were troubled by the amount of patients per staff member. My mother got a pendant to use when she needed something. She pushed the button and someone would come to her need. She is in cognitive decline so I never knew for sure if they were showing up for her in a timely manner, but she said it was a nice place. You can place a camera in the room to keep an eye on her care. Cameras are easy to install and a Blink camera is only about $35. Ask the facility ahead of time about Wi-Fi signal in rooms. Lay down rules you require. I had them get Mom up from her bed into her wheelchair and take her outside a few times a day. When I dropped her off I stayed with her and took her to the dining room for lunch. My mother needs full care so it was about $200 a day. It’s a much needed break for me and I think it does her good also. These facilities have tons of activities and events. Happy hour, movie night, exercise classes, outings like going to a local museum or out to Bob Evans for a meal. And yes, leave reminders for when they are done with their stay. I left my mother a letter to remind her why she was there and where I went. Details she’d forget, but she could re-read the letter every few days.

Put him in the memory care respite and go on your vacation. Ask his daughter or some other family to visit him while he's there if that's possible.
Then you go and don't call. Leave instructions with the facility to only call you if there's an emergency.
You need a break and it's time to take one.

Good idea!!! I need a break!!! I cannot hear anymore about other peoples vacations!!

Wow!! My post would have so semilar to yours. I have been caring for my husband for 6 years with mid- term of Dementia. I have been wondering samething to place him in a respite care? Or hire someone in the house? I need to go and see me relatives out of the country minum tree weeks. I have not seen them in 17 yrs. Yes, those questions comes to my mind what if. what if he gets worst after I come back. He is very. Very stubborn man, similar to yours very attached to me. Wish you the best. Exhausted😞

mykenneth: Without a doubt, you need a break after five years of caregiving. Kudos for your recognizing the need. I cared out of state for my mother when I lived in house with her. There were a couple times that I asked friends of her's to drive her to the dentist so that I could get a short reprieve.

My mother, at mid-stage dementia, thought the respite home was a hotel. There were times when she became agitated that she was ready to move on with her "trip" but she was distractible. Pricey, but my sanity has value too.

Go have fun, you need a break.

Hi!

my Pop is in respite at a Memory Care facility as we speak. I got REALLY lucky to find one right in the Philadelphia suburbs that was just under 300 a day. It is NOT cheap…but neither is his home care agency, and I was drowning dealing with getting legal matters with difficult family members out of the way, and repairs for the reverse mortgage we’re closing soon.

I have done respite with him twice. My boyfriend and I do contribute to the cost, so we tried to keep his contribution about what would be spent on home aides. If you do a Memory Care only, they just can’t take people with certain advanced medical needs, but they are set up much more like a home or assisted living, not a nursing home. His sense of time isn’t great, so it hasn’t been a problem doing a month with a few visits for appointments.

You need it after 5 years. I have extra outside extreme stress factors in the family to deal with (destructive addicts), and I needed it bad after only a year of his care as he descends further into dementia. Memory care only facilities are unfortunately only out of pocket. But I say do it, it’s never been a problem so far and it makes him appreciate the emotional security of being home more…that might sound bad but he also has free range of motion in the facility and is grouped only with people at his stage of function and cognition. If we could afford it, I would place him full-time as soon as he reaches the next phase.

anyway, please do it, you won’t regret it. Arden Courts is the chain I am choosing and all they do is memory care. It’s the furthest thing from a shithole and a lot of the staff have been there for years, and actually care about the difference in treatment and support.

Hi. Yes, we left my 91-year old MIL with dementia/likely Alzheimer’s in a group home for respite, paying a daily rate, while we attended a family wedding in CA. Worked out beautifully.

check with your local Dept on Seniors and the Aging. There may be some waivers available for respite for primary caregivers. It helped us tremendously with the cost.

good luck, and take the much-needed break.

A 30-something woman placed her 60 yo mother in MC unit at a rehab, I think for two weeks. This was a recommendation from hospice. The woman had reached a breaking point at home with the mother, her teenaged kids behaving like teenagers, working full-time, marital issues, etc.

The mother was full-blown Alz.

I had worked with hospice to develop a program to help relax / relieve anxiety of hospice patients, and this woman asked if I would visit her mother in MC during the respite.

Going up on the second or third day, I learned the woman was going every day to see her mother. I was a little surprised. This poor woman was a bundle of nerves.

If you've never done it, you might find there are degrees of respite, as this woman did. Guess you could say any respite is good respite.

After five years, you've certainly earned it, and deserve it. I hope you enjoy it and get those batteries recharged.

Yes. My niece used respite care 1 week per month. My father understood that to be time she could focus on activities with her children. While he was in respite, I would visit him 2 x week, so he still felt connected to family.

He enjoyed meeting new people.

We chose a company with multiple group homes ownership. That gave them flexibility to place him where they had an opening to match my nieces scheduling needs.

Respite Care facilities were actually excellent preparation for when it is time to move into a facility permenantly.

The absence is much harder on you than it will be on him. His asking "have you been here all along?" demonstrates that he doesn't have an accurate perception of length of time or who exactly is around. During your much-needed break, he will be kept safe, comfortable, fed and reassured and it HONESTLY won't matter to him what else goes on.

I want to say how much I admire your good sense and constructive approach in looking for a solution that doesn't lay any pressure on your stepdaughter and doesn't leave you in limbo either. I expect you'll find your first day off in five years extremely strange and alien! - but by day three you should find you're at least breathing properly and your ears will stop twitching (the sudden absence of calls and questions takes some getting used to).

What plans do you have for your break? :)

I understand your concern. You need to rest and if your husband was back to his right mind, he’d tell you to rest! Hold onto to that thought. Your husband will be safe and cared for in MC. Will you call him or is that ok to do? I’m not sure if a daily call would be a help or a hindrance.

You didn’t say how long you would be gone, but I doubt he will forget you or be “institutionalized” in a few days or couple of weeks. Maybe if you write him a note that you’ll be back on “whatever date” and leave it with him, or ask a nurse to give it to him, that will give him a daily reminder. Or maybe a calendar with your return date marked and he can count down the days. You may ask the facility again what may help him.

I agree with another response, I’m sure when you both get back home, it’ll be as if neither of you ever left.

Most important, really use this time to recharge. That will be very hard if you are too worried about your husband. You need to be ok for both of your sakes.

If you will, please post again when you are back and let us know how you both did. Good luck!

Your husband will be FINE in Memory Care while you take a well needed break! When my mother's dementia was advanced and she lived in Memory Care full time, she thought she was living in a hotel and the caregivers were moving her to a new and better hotel every night, after they'd taken her to a new & fancy restaurant for dinner! True story. She had elaborate stories for me about the nice shows she was taken to, also. She was living the high life & saying how exhausted she was from all the social activities they were taking her to all the time!

An Alz/dementia patient lives primarily in his MIND. So no matter where your husband is living physically, mentally, he'll be in a different place ANYWAY. It won't matter to him if you're 100 feet away or 1000 miles away, as evidenced by him asking you if 'you've been there all along' when you're gone for a few hours. Keep that in mind when you leave for respite which you need to do!

He may like MC so much that you'll feel comfortable to place him there permanently after you return.

Best of luck!

I had all sorts of fears placing my Husband in respite.
I had a vacation planned. I would be gone an extended time, 3 weeks. I had not had a vacation in 6 years!
I had all sorts of fears.
Would he "remember" me when I got back?
Would he be so institutionalized by the time I got back that I would not be able to bring him home.
What would happen if he got sick, or worse, died while I was gone..?
And a half a dozen other fears that ran through my head.....
I set it up that my Sister would be the contact if anything went wrong she was authorized to handle it.
I did get a call from my Brother in Law. The facility doctor had diagnosed my Husband with an infection and they wanted authorization to treat it.
I got back to my Brother in Law and said of course treat it. (this should not even have been a call he had to make but anyway...)
I got back home.
My Husband went and sat in his recliner as soon as he got inside.
He was just as at home as ever. I never had to worry..
Oh, the infection....
I got the bill later...ATHLETES FOOT! and the prescription was the exact same stuff that I had for him at home only the stuff from the facility pharmacy cost at least 10 times what the normal prescription cost is.

Take care of yourself.
He will be fine.
He will be cared for
He will be safe.

When I worked we had my bosses Aunt for a client. She had to be placed in a NH when no longer could be left alone. She was easy to care for and just check on but literally overnight she had what my Boss called an episode. I asked how Aunt C was doing and was told really well. She thought she was in a Hotel and the aides and Nurses were hotel staff. Loved the dining room and the table cloths that the staff put on the tables. She was a happy camper.

Tell him ur taking him to a nice hotel where he will stay a few days.

You’re very wise to take a respite. Your own health and emotional well being are as important as your husband’s care. I’d urge you not to discuss the respite time a whole lot. He likely won’t understand no matter what is said, and won’t remember it either. Reassure him that you’ll return and go. If you think it would be helpful leave a calendar for the staff to show him visibly what the day is and what day you’ll return. I hope you’ll make this a regular happening and wish you well