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My mother's great-grand daughter (10 years old) gave my mom one of her baby dolls. Mom is stage 6c on the FAST scale (Functional Assessment Staging Test), according to her Palliative Care Nurse Practitioner.

Yesterday, I met with the NP for my mother's assessment. The day before, my niece and great-niece visited Mom and took her a baby doll. Mom accepted the doll immediately! I watched her interact with her "baby" while the NP and I took care of business. Mom was in her own world with her baby and cared less that we were there.

Mom held the doll and kissed it, talked to it, touched its nose, feet and hands. She unwrapped it from its blanket and inspected it. She wrapped it back up and cuddled it and baby-talked to it. I was shocked and awed watching my mom. She smiled and laughed as she played with her doll.

It was bittersweet to watch. And, it confirmed to me that my mother is truly gone. The NP told me that Mom is more advanced than I realize. She said she wants to see Mom every two weeks to get a better feel for where she is. She also said that she believes that she is Hospice ready, not because she is at the end of her life, but because she can benefit from the services that Hospice provides.

My mother takes Xarelto and the NP is going to also remove this medicine. She believes that the harm of taking this medicine is greater than the help. This is just another confirmation for me that my mom is declining faster than I realize.

I don't know what or how to feel. I think I am numb and tired. Accepting that my sweet mother is completely gone from me hurts. I admit that I pray for her to go to sleep and wake up in heaven. I'm so afraid that she will live to endure the end stage of this monster: can't swallow, bedridden, etc. Ya'll know the trajectory.

Thank you for listening. I just needed to share the good news that Mom has something to fill the long hours in her day. Her comfort with her new "baby" comforts me, too. I hope it lasts...

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I would say that if it comforts her, it is a wonderful thing! I wish you both the very best!
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AbbyRose Jan 2020
Thank you. I definitely believe that Mom is comforted when she's adoring her baby. I'm going to see her today, and I hope she is still happy with her new love.
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Maybe your mom isn't completely gone from you. Maybe she's holding you in her arms as she holds the baby and cares for her and coos to her, as she most likely did with you when you were a baby.

I visited the most extraordinary dementia wing one time. It was done in Victorian decor and there were all kinds of baby dolls displayed: a couple were on the couch, one would be sitting in a chair, etc. And it encouraged the residents to interact with the dolls and they did! Some residents picked up the dolls and carried them around, some sat beside a doll and made sure it was warm and tucked in, some talked to the dolls in a motherly voice. It was enchanting to see something so lovely amidst the ugly disease of dementia.
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AbbyRose Jan 2020
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Mom has always loved babies, and she used to babysit years ago when I was a little girl. It gave her a little money of her own. She did not work until my brother and I were older and in school. So, yes, I agree that maybe she thinks she is holding me. We've always been so close.

I also appreciate your wording: "Enchanting to see something so lovely amidst the ugly disease of dementia."

Indeed, watching Mom was enchanting.

Thanks, again.
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My mom was attached to a teddy bear for a while when she still lived with me, even though I don't think she ever thought of it as "real" when she was stressed it seemed to bring her some comfort and she often had his arms tightly clenched in her hands.
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Oh, Abby...
Your mom is NOT completely gone from you. I fully believe she's in there somewhere. I've watched my own mom go through all the early stages of Alzheimer's, and it has definitely impacted me emotionally. Now that my mom is in the later stages, and she doesn't always even remember my name, she still has a strong emotional response to seeing me. Even though your mom's physical abilities, including even being able to swallow, will continue to decline, the human brain is a remarkable thing: Even with the ravages of a disease like Alzheimer's, our brains have managed to protect the most important memories by storing them in places not even Alzheimer's can reach. I have to believe this or else I'd become "numb and tired."
Hugs to both you and your mom!
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I love to read posts like yours, Abby rose, because in them, my belief in the love that transforms and transcends the tragic changes of dementia is always confirmed.

I was sole caregiver for my wonderful mother, and now for her youngest sibling. When we care for people we love, we are constantly, silently saying “Thank You” for who they were when they, and we, were younger.

As others have said, we are sometimes surprised in the quiet moments (or sometimes the raucously funny ones) how very close our loved ones can reveal that they still are to us.

You can rejoice that the sweet gift from that dear little girl has brought your mother a gentle recognition of something she once knew and loved.

I always say that if my LO is having a “good” day when I arrive, I leave with tears in my eyes; if not, the tears when I leave are just the same.

Let yourself relax and enjoy your visits. Somewhere, on some level, you are sharing good news here, but also with the mom you love.
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grlover Feb 2020
Hi, thank you for your beautiful reply. My sibs and I are at the beginning stages of decline with our beautiful and once very capable Mom. Actually she’s been declining for a couple of years, but we just got an official diagnosis, which validates what we already knew. As hard as it sometimes is, acceptance, of the reality of decline, or of what is, has it’s own sense of beauty. Acceptance makes this whole process go a lot more smoothly, and I don’t mean acceptance in a passive, “throw in the towel” kind of way. It’s an acceptance, going with the natural flow of whatever the diagnosis is, and finding the love for that person, within that, that I try to realize. Fighting with, or trying to change that reality really does no one any good and gets in the way of loving that person. Better to use one’s energy loving and supporting the person than trying to change something we do not really have control over. Thank you for making this point in such a kind and gentle way.
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Yes, some do very well with a doll. My daughter worked shortly in an Alzheimer's facility. They took a room and put memorabilia in it. A rocking chair, I donated an old Betty Crocker cookbook and an old sewing box, an afghan I had. They found dresses from another era. Someplace where the residents could go to see things that were familiar. Oh yes, a cradle with a Newborn baby doll in it.

I personally would question the every two week thing. There is nothing a NP or doctor is going to be able to do for Moms decline. Other than say she is declining. You will know when things are going downhill. She will become anxious. With my Mom she hummed and it got worse as the days went by. So she was given something for the anxiety. Then she wouldn't get out of bed. Then the swallowing problem, finally hospice. I think if u call Hospice in, there will be no need to take her to the NP. A nurse will check on her about 3x a week. The nurse will be available by phone 24/7. She will have an aide for bathing.
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Hugs sweetheart. Everything you are feeling is normal. Keep praying the desires of your heart.
Consider hospice it really helps patient and family
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Stuffed "pet" therapy sometimes helps, too. If your mom ever had a beloved dog or cat, a good quality stuffed animal can be very soothing. I saw this recently at a nursing home and like your mom and her 'baby' the woman was just totally engrossed with her cat and seemed very calm and happy. The nurse aide said they were inseparable companions.

I wish you the best as you experience this new stage of life with your mother.
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I gave grandma a robotic dog. She hugs it all the time and calls it "baby". In the morning, she says it's slept so well that it didn't stir all night. I reach over and hit the sensor that wakes it up so that it starts moving.

One big problem is how to clean it. It's electronic so I can't just wash it. I use no rinse shampoo.
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Abby, I work in a MC home and lots of the little ladies there have a baby doll they love to swaddle and care for. We even have a gentleman who loves to do the same! I'm not sure she's 'totally gone' from you by wanting to cuddle with a baby doll; just maybe going back to her early days as a new mom when she was happiest. That's a much better way to think of this, I believe, because remember, when she's holding the doll, she's very happy. So are the people in the MC home where I work........they are at their absolute best when caring for their babies. One lady named Yvonne is so tender with her doll that it brings tears to my eyes to watch her.

Wishing you the very best moving forward, my friend. I know how hard all of this is; I witness the grief every day, firsthand. But I also get to witness the joy and the comfort that these baby dolls bring some of the residents.
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Praises that the deep gifts of love and joy and peace can surface in such a simple way.

My 2 girls have five cats between them. The three cat owner kept telling me we “need” a cat. My “A”
burdened wife is substantially non verbal at this point (7 1/2 years) in.

I got her a cat (A robot cat) for Christmas. Well imagine the joy of watching your loved one giggle smile at, laugh and talk to the “cat”. I have to admit I respond positively to its mewing, purring, and particularly sighing myself.

Take every little joy and let it help you to make your day and your loved one’s also.
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Interestingly, my sister actually ordered her own baby pretty early on in her ALZ! We thought she'd lost her mind as she paid over $100 for this lifelike doll that she saw in an ad. Little did we know that she innately knew how to self comfort. She doesn't use it as often anymore, but sometimes will bring it from bed to sit with her.
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Oh AbbyRose my heart goes out to you but your post also warmed my heart and made me smile. In some ways you are witnessing what your mom must have felt when you were placed in her arms and the true joy she got from mothering, how lucky are you and out of the mouths of babes, in this case the arms of babes ( your great niece). What a true gift to witness and I would take great solace in knowing your mom is happy and content, it doesn’t sound to me like she is suffering right now. But it all makes sense that your mom is instinctively a mom given the daughter she raised and the generations of family she has caring about her, you are truly an inspiration AbbyRose able to plan ahead, be fully engaged, surrounding yourself with the right people and facing this difficult journey with courage and love. My heart goes out to you and is warmed by your sharing.
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Penelope123 Feb 2020
Beautifully said! My sentiments also.
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How wonderful your Mom has been able to experience the comfort the dolly gives her. And a gift to you to see it makes her happy. I found as caregiver for my Mom years ago and now my husband with Alzheimer's, in mid stage, there are many surprises.

My husband had a big dog farm dog when he was growing up on their farm, and he tells the same story about the dog, over and over again. Even though we had other dogs when we were raising our children. Those he has forgotten but not his farm dog. So 6 months ago I thought it might be a good idea to get him a large robotic dog and see if that would give him comfort. Oh my goodness it sure has given him comfort. I call it our senior citizen apartment dog. Because real animals are not allowed in our apartment. He pets it, talks to it, laughs at it, etc. He does but doesn't know it's not real and it doesn't matter. It has been very amazing for others to see this interaction, because it just doesn't seem normal, but it is for him. The dog (Bisquit that I bought on EBay) operates on 6 D batteries. I turn the switch on in the morning when I wake the dog up and off at night. The batteries last about 2 weeks. Well worth the cost!! The dog is big, about 2-1/2feet long when laying, plus tail. I highly recommend dolls, pets, stuffed or robotic to give the person joy and comfort. Be it for a few minutes each day to hours. Right now, my husband has the dog sitting on his lap, after petting and talking to the dog for about 45 minutes, my husband has fallen asleep and the dog is wineing at him and moving his head. So sweet.

What ever it takes to give someone joy. As I am sitting here looking at my large collection of dolls. Once a mommy, always a mommy! Glad your Mom has found comfort in her dolly. It might be good to have it with her at all times, cuddled next to her. What doesn't seem to be normal to us, is normal and ok for them.

Being loved ones of family members going through this is not easy, but know in your heart that even the touch of your hand let's them feel your love, and feel it in return. Hugs to you dear daughter.
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Abby Rose, your mom sounds like my mom. She loved the doll, and talked to it the last 2-3 years she suffered. Such peace and tranquility, no anxiety when dealing with the doll in her own reality. It was good to know that in spite of the disease, there was one thing that really gave her joy and peace.
Your numbness and tiredness are all too familiar to me. Prayers and strength as you continue to care for your mom. Make sure you carve a few minutes out of each day to renew yourself.
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I think being the realist that I am I would have a hard time seeing mom be caring and affectionate to a doll...but your post has made me wonder a great deal about this as I know from what dad has said that when they are out to eat or at the mall she is always somewhat drawn to babies and small children. Beyond that I have a bit of a protective pup; we all live together and during the day when I am at work my pup is separated from the elders who cannot handle her. It's in everyone's best interests...so I wonder with a doll, how my pup would be and can see the potential for mom grabbing what is "hers" and pup possibly wanting to take it as her toy...could be a bad scene....
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AbbyRose, thank you for sharing. I feel sure your mother is expressing love and that love is tied to her love for you. Your post brought back a long ago memory for me. I had a great aunt that used to love to play dolls with me. This was long before the words Alzheimer’s or dementia were commonly uttered. And I was a child, just appreciated that she wanted to take time with me and dolls. It took a while for me to realize that she was really invested in the dolls, I didn’t know what it meant, but I loved her the same
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I had a dear friend who loved her stuffed animals and would hug and hang onto them. This eventually stopped, but was obviously comforting for quite a while. The doll sounds wonderful for your mother. I wish my husband could find attachment to something like that.
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Oh, AbbyRose, am sending hugs to you. It had to have been shocking to you to see your mom "regress" this way. Maybe she seems gone to you, and yet maybe to her, the doll was a memory of you when little. In what bits of lucidity your mom may have, she may well feel helpless and frustrated. Women spend so much of our lives taking care of others' needs that it is a big part of our identity, and when that is gone....Her doll is "someone" who needs care, and she knows how to care for a baby. She took care of you. That is why you turned out to be tenderhearted adult.
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AbbyRose,

I wish I had thought of something like this when my mom spent her last 3 weeks in hospice. My mom loved dolls and she bore 9 children. She was also a cat lover and a stuffed animal might have been of some comfort. I have to say in those latter weeks seeing her more like a sweet child, gave me more compassion and understanding of what happens, when we watch our loved ones fade away. It is a very difficult time, but enjoy all that you can with your sweet mother.
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AbbyRose Feb 2020
I know what you mean. I sit and watch my mom interact with her doll the same way a child would play. At this point, Mom is truly child-like.
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I am so sorry you are going through this, but what a lovely story of the doll and the joy it brought to your Mom. What a good idea her granddaughter had!
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AbbyRose Feb 2020
I know. Mom adored her great-grand daughter. Now, she has no idea who she is. The blanket the doll is wrapped in was hers when she was a baby, which makes the doll and blanket more special.
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My mom has a few dolls. Some she was like, "oh whatever". She does like her American Girl doll so I've purchased a few different outfits. She also loves her Barbies - she has 6. We created a Barbie living room at our kitchen table so while we are preparing meals she can sit an play with her Barbies at the table. One super cute story, my mom also has a nativity that sometimes we swap out with the Barbies, one time my mom was eating her cereal and then she gave baby Jesus some cereal too. Super cute. My mom is the daughter we never had. My husband called her Princess, in the most endearing way. He tucks her in at each night and says, Good Night Princess, see you in the morning for some hot breakfast. He knows she likes her breakfast served hot.

My mom also has (real) dogs. She sleeps with two each night and we refer to them as "the bed buddies". At least for us, I think having the dogs are really great for her. They love to snuggle, give her lots of attention and kisses.
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AbbyRose Feb 2020
I love this story! Thank you for sharing.
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I am so happy that you have seen the transformation that loving on a baby brings in this wretched disease.

My granny loved hers and held it all the time. We used it to have a connection during visits. We would all bring the baby a new outfit, cheap at the thrift store, or a freshly washed outfit that had been taken home by one of us. Many, many happy memories of helping granny with her baby. It gave her an opportunity to share with someone, showing off her beautiful baby, brought us together on a very deep level.

May you have many, many happy memories sharing the joy of a new baby with your mom.

She is still in there, cherish the time you have left. Hugs, it is such a long goodbye.
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AbbyRose Feb 2020
Oh my gosh, thank you for sharing your granny's story. I wish I could show all of you a video of my mom and her baby Emily. The CNA's named the baby Emily. I never thought my mom would be at this stage. I always denied that she would progress into this, but she has and I accept that she is not who she was. This "baby" makes her smile and laugh. She sleeps with it and cuddles it close to her. I am thankful that she has something to fill the long hours of her day.
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Dear Abby, Read your story and immediately wanted to hug you. It is extremely difficult to see a loved one decline physically, mentally and/or emotionally. Just be there, when you can. Even if you think she does not acknowledge you or your presence. Seek support from others and share your feelings. You seem like a devoted, loving daughter and your Mom is blessed to have you!
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Hugs AbbyRose.

I gave my uncle a stuffed dog that walks...(battery operated).

On my next visit, he laughingly told me the housekeeper was dusting the windowsill, and the dog scared her when it barked.
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AbbyRose Feb 2020
Love your story, thanks for sharing.
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The memory unit my mom was in provided dolls for anyone who wanted one. Mom had 1 we found in her night stand along with some stuffed animals. We left them for others to enjoy when she passed.
There was one woman in particular who had a doll she named with a boys name and loved on it, talked to it, dressed it, etc. I have a very LARGE collection of dolls and friends will give me clothing for them. I took some boys clothing to her one weekend along with a nice blanket. She loved it and thanked me every time she saw me. It gives them a way to be useful, helpful and loved. Perhaps you could give her a new blanket for her baby or even some of the baby bottles for dolls or a simple childs book to read to her little one.
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AbbyRose Feb 2020
Thank you for sharing. I am going to get some new clothes for Mom's "baby." Right now Emily, the doll, is wearing a onesie. Mom always loved looking at little baby dresses. So, I'm going to get Emily a lacy dress. Mom does not remember how to change the doll's clothes. But she will love looking at the pretty dress, especially if it has a lot of lace.
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AbbyRose,
Your mother's mothering instincts are not gone.
As evidenced by her mothering the doll?
You are so right, a bittersweet moment.
So very sweet and very touching.
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Mom's stuffed kitty disappeared this week - and worse, Amazon no longer sells it

Even though she seemed to know it wasn't real, it gave her comfort and she was not a particular animal lover

her facility frowns on dolls as they don't consider it dignified but the couple of ladies who do have them benefit greatly just as a scared child clutches a favorite teddy bear or blanket - and dementia is a scary thing
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Marylepete Feb 2020
Check EBay to see if they might have the same one available.
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Petsies, custom stuffed animals for adults, re-create a likeness of a favorite dog or cat. Found online.
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My mom had a little stuffed dog given to her by her granddaughter.

Sometimes when I would visit with her that was the only way to get her to interact with me. I'd hold the stuffed dog and make his face turn sideways like it was trying to figure her out and it always would make her laugh. She just loved it.

It sits on my dresser now.🐶
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AbbyRose Feb 2020
Thank you for your story. I know the dog is a constant reminder of your mom. I know that when I lose my mom, Emily, the doll, will be so special to me as well.
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