My 95 y.o. mother (who sounds exactly like the rest of your mother's with her narcissistic ways) has lived in a high end assisted living facility for 4 years. I am her POA and have taken care of her finances as well as transporting her to doctors appts., taking her shopping, out to eat and to my home to visit her two grandchildren and three great granchildren. Mom has a lot of health problems (high BP, diabetes, pacemaker, neuropathy, blind in one eye, mostly deaf, muscle spasms, chronic pain etc.) and is on a numerous medications. Mentally she is 100%. For the last two years she has been constantly complaining about everything including her living situation. She mentioned her intentions of moving out. Mom's entire family, her doctors, friends and church pastor advised against it (for a lot of valid reasons, safety being #1). Even the ombudsman she called in to help her did not think it was a good idea. There was nothing we could do (legally) to stop her. She moved (without any help from us) into a 2 bedroom apartment (independent living) by herself?! So she gave up her 24 hour eyes on care and three meals a day with a secure future to transition into nursing care when the time came. Now she has to pay for hourly care and is going through her money fast. Like a lot of you, I am physically and mentally exhausted by trying to take care of mom. My two siblings (living in different states) have minimal involvement. I have already limited myself to how much time I spend with mom as it is stressful ( I am 69 yo and having some health issues of my own). She's asking me to do more things for/with her and already complaining about her caregivers. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do....I feel it is my responsibility to fix everything for her and I feel guilty when I say no to her. I am seeing a counselor so hopefully that will help. Any other suggestions?
No is not a four letter word. Reinforces your boundaries.
They don't have to change. I can.
Your life/health issues is not be superseded by the person/situation you've described.
I understand if you feel obliged to continue with the health checks but you need to consider stopping everything else. Your priority is your family not her. No shopping, no visiting places, now you have an excuse to set a boundary.
I wish I could find the post where a doctor said to a carer "It's you or it's them" meaning you will suffer more than your mother.
It's crazy to see someone work so hard to make a terrible decision when doing the right thing takes no effort at all.
POA - maybe they have suggestions -
Indeed you may need to rescind it as she seems to have voided it by her actions.
Time for some serious tough love. Pull back from all the services you provided the last 4 years, for starters. The way you should come across now is impatient and "We all told you so!" Loose the ridiculous guilt, or feeling you are the only one to do everything for her. Mom is a spoiled Senior Brat. I'd ignore her complaining.
Nobody MADE her leave her great arrangement. Rub her nose it it! You didn't cause all her health issues and cause her to get old and selfish. You have your own family, who comes first. Be blunt...tell her she needs to go back where she was, before her money runs out.
"Mom, you insisted on being independent, so you did this to yourself against everyone's advice! How's that working for you now? That was not a smart idea, was it? Plus I have health issues myself, and can't do everything for you like I was doing." Lather, rinse and repeat.
It is NOT your responsibility to fix everything for your mother.
Narcissistic parents typically groom their children to feel this way, while at the same time creating more and more situations for themselves that make you feel obligated to help them.
Stop rewarding bad behavior. Rewarding bad behavior is stepping in to help her get out of problems of her own making. So is listening to complaints and then bending over backwards trying to fix them.
If she is cognizant enough to arrange her own move without any help, she is cognizant enough to do more for herself without your involvement.
Redraw your boundaries on what you will and won't do for her to a level more tolerable for you.
Actions speak louder than words with narcissistic types, so don't waste your breath trying to explain and make her see your side. She can't.
When the complaints start, don't engage. That's your signal to cut the visit or the call short. "Oops, look at the time - gotta go mom - love you!"
Remember....the grass is always greener on the other side. Till you get there and realize it's scorched. Then Plan B has to take place. Unless you fulfill her Plan B goals.
Just because she could legally do this , does not mean you have to fix it to make it work for her.
Tell Mom this is not working and she needs to figure out someone else to help her or go back to AL.
DO NOT let Mom move in with you and establish residency . My nephew made that mistake . Then , 6 months after placing her in assisted living , she argued her way back home at neurologist who caved in and said she could be home alone during the day when my nephew works . She has dementia but has shown some temporary memory improvements on meds . She really should not be home alone . Her reasoning and judgement is off . She is also uncooperative at times . The problem is she did ok on the last minicog test. My nephew has been working with an eldercare lawyer who said , unfortunately she could go back home until she’s worse again . The bar is low .
I was on pins and needles for a couple months last winter while my mom talked about moving out of AL and into a studio apartment somewhere near me. In the end though, she stayed put, thank God.
Im sorry you’re going through all this but thanks for posting. I need to read, reread, and reread again all the comments as it’s great reinforcement for me too.
Living close to relatives to make social visits is one thing. A nice thing.
Living close by to an elder living in an Aged Care Home (where most of their day-to-day needs are met) is another - takes work, but is practical.
Living close to a person living a 'farce of independance' needing daily help is another thing again. That's a bottomless bog.
Been there. Got all 3 t-shirts.
Now, any time my MIL or SIL casually says 'Well I guess you 'kids' (or your own kids) will just have to.. move in/move me in/look after me" etc I trot out my plan.. "Oh did I tell you how much we liked X town? Yes. We will be moving there to retire).
I chose a town over 4 hrs drive away. It's also hilly & windy - that keep should most guests away 😂
You, as an adult are also competent/responsible for YOUR decisions.
I personally would resign my POA, and would not partake in caregiving mom in any way, and would have forewarned her that would be the case if she left care.
Your choice is your own. You have made yourself responsible for your mother and tried to make yourself responsible for her happiness. You see before you the thanks you will get for such actions. Care for yourself and your own life, or don't. It is up to you, in the final assessment of everything. Whatever your choice I wish you the very best.
Since she wants her freedom let her figure out how to get grocery delivery etc.
Let phone calls roll into voice mail. Return phone calls only when it is convenient for you.
If you wish you can let her know what day of the week will be available for her, that day you can take her to the store or where she needs to go. If she wishes to go out at other times she can call for a ride. (many areas have free public transportation for "disabled" seniors with a 24 hour notice)
If you "have" to be at her doctor appointments you would pick her up for that or she can get a ride.
Stop doing other things for her that she sounds capable of either doing herself or getting done for her.
Your mom can't "MAKE" you do things for her. She can ask, she can demand but she can't make you do anything.
"NO" is a complete sentence and it requires no further explanation. If you want to be nicer than just no you can say "NO, I'm sorry I can't do that" or "NO, that is not possible"
Since you are mom's POA and in charge of her finances and you are concerned about how much she is going through now and mom seems pretty competent (mentally) you might want to sit down and tell her what her weekly or monthly budget is. Write it out for her so she gets it. Start with a total for the month, lop off her set expenses and show her what is left and each time she spends any money it comes off that total. If she runs out of money before the end of the month then she is cut off until the next month as far as spending.
Actually, practicality aside I am pretty impressed that at her age she packed up her things and moved. (yes, I realize she physically did not pack and move) but the thought of moving is daunting and after my move to this home 13 years ago the ONLY way anyone will get me to move is when they put a tag on my toe and haul me out feet first! And I am a bit younger than your mom and do not have all the health problems.
Your mom has made her bed and now she gets to lie in it....meaning that you need to step away from any and all care for her and let her figure out and pay for whatever it is that she needs.
She will soon discover that she should have never moved out of her assisted living facility and hopefully decide to move back into one.
And if need be, quit answering your phone every time she calls and let them go to voicemail, as you DO NOT have to be at her beck and call(pun intended)as you have your own life that needs to be lived and enjoyed.
I wish you well in taking your life back and letting the chips fall where they may with your mom.
You may be assisted by exploring & defining what a nominated POA does. It's not an on-call driver.
Not an on-call driver, not on-call help, not a maid, not a cook, delivery driver, not shower assistance. Not many other things either.
I had slipped into a care-slave role. What helped me climb out was boundaries. Saying no. Drawing a line between me & my responsibility & what was my LO's. PUSH what was not mine BACK.
If your Mother is now wants to live *independantly* this is her choice.
Choices have consequences.
WHAT A POA IS NOT: Not an "On Call" personal assistant, cab driver, handyman, problem solver, personal organizer, TV/Computer/Cellular technician, beautician, personal shopper, errand runner, bookkeeper, laundress, cook, dishwasher, housekeeper, licensed Nurse, entertainment planner, real estate broker, paralegal or psychological therapist.
The stubborn "Independent" Senior never offers any money (or reimbursement) for all of the time and money you have to spend on their never ending Favor List! So is your gas, insurance and registration!
Life is not a free ride in my book. PERIOD.
His parents had been dairy farmers and were used to eating a lot of high fat dairy. They did not like the food at the assisted living and said it was too healthy and found an apartment on their own and moved out.
I think he stepped way back from the situation. He was an only child and also worked a demanding job.
Let her drive her bus into a wall.