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My 95 y.o. mother (who sounds exactly like the rest of your mother's with her narcissistic ways) has lived in a high end assisted living facility for 4 years. I am her POA and have taken care of her finances as well as transporting her to doctors appts., taking her shopping, out to eat and to my home to visit her two grandchildren and three great granchildren. Mom has a lot of health problems (high BP, diabetes, pacemaker, neuropathy, blind in one eye, mostly deaf, muscle spasms, chronic pain etc.) and is on a numerous medications. Mentally she is 100%. For the last two years she has been constantly complaining about everything including her living situation. She mentioned her intentions of moving out. Mom's entire family, her doctors, friends and church pastor advised against it (for a lot of valid reasons, safety being #1). Even the ombudsman she called in to help her did not think it was a good idea. There was nothing we could do (legally) to stop her. She moved (without any help from us) into a 2 bedroom apartment (independent living) by herself?! So she gave up her 24 hour eyes on care and three meals a day with a secure future to transition into nursing care when the time came. Now she has to pay for hourly care and is going through her money fast. Like a lot of you, I am physically and mentally exhausted by trying to take care of mom. My two siblings (living in different states) have minimal involvement. I have already limited myself to how much time I spend with mom as it is stressful ( I am 69 yo and having some health issues of my own). She's asking me to do more things for/with her and already complaining about her caregivers. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do....I feel it is my responsibility to fix everything for her and I feel guilty when I say no to her. I am seeing a counselor so hopefully that will help. Any other suggestions?

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'Don't set yourself on fire to keep your Mother warm'. (This is one of my favorite sayings).

You may be assisted by exploring & defining what a nominated POA does. It's not an on-call driver.

Not an on-call driver, not on-call help, not a maid, not a cook, delivery driver, not shower assistance. Not many other things either.

I had slipped into a care-slave role. What helped me climb out was boundaries. Saying no. Drawing a line between me & my responsibility & what was my LO's. PUSH what was not mine BACK.

If your Mother is now wants to live *independantly* this is her choice.
Choices have consequences.
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Dawn88 Jun 24, 2025
Yes! A POA is a fudiciary role, making sure bills are paid, investments monitored and money protected. That is what California's Durable Power of Attorney role legally entails.

WHAT A POA IS NOT: Not an "On Call" personal assistant, cab driver, handyman, problem solver, personal organizer, TV/Computer/Cellular technician, beautician, personal shopper, errand runner, bookkeeper, laundress, cook, dishwasher, housekeeper, licensed Nurse, entertainment planner, real estate broker, paralegal or psychological therapist.

The stubborn "Independent" Senior never offers any money (or reimbursement) for all of the time and money you have to spend on their never ending Favor List! So is your gas, insurance and registration!
Life is not a free ride in my book. PERIOD.
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I absolve you from having to take care of her.

Let her drive her bus into a wall.
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Dawn88 Jun 24, 2025
Good answer!
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What do you have to feel guilty about over when you’ve seen to it mom was safe, cared for, and had what she needed? It’s not on you she rejected the great plan that was in place. She’s the unreasonable one, not you. Back off, remind her as often as needed that she chose this and her money will be running out. Guard your own wellbeing, no one else will do it for you. Live in peace knowing you did your best
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Mom made a bad decision w/o thinking it through. Now she's relying on you to prop her up with this bad decision. The only way she'll realize she made a bad decision is to be left to make ALL decisions moving forward w/o your help. Tell mom you now have a full time job and NO free time, unfortunately, to devote to her care anymore. None at all. See how long it takes her to raise the white flag of surrender and beg to move back to AL where life was easy.

Remember....the grass is always greener on the other side. Till you get there and realize it's scorched. Then Plan B has to take place. Unless you fulfill her Plan B goals.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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It is NOT your responsibility to fix everything for your mom! And as long as you continue to enable her and feed into her delusion that she is independent, when you and everyone else knows that she's not, things will never change.
Your mom has made her bed and now she gets to lie in it....meaning that you need to step away from any and all care for her and let her figure out and pay for whatever it is that she needs.
She will soon discover that she should have never moved out of her assisted living facility and hopefully decide to move back into one.
And if need be, quit answering your phone every time she calls and let them go to voicemail, as you DO NOT have to be at her beck and call(pun intended)as you have your own life that needs to be lived and enjoyed.
I wish you well in taking your life back and letting the chips fall where they may with your mom.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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This is the most helpful thread, as I am putting on my cowboy hat and heading for the big Showdown at the OK Corral on this same issue tomorrow!

It's crazy to see someone work so hard to make a terrible decision when doing the right thing takes no effort at all.
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RE: "I feel it is my responsibility to fix everything for her and I feel guilty when I say no to her."

It is NOT your responsibility to fix everything for your mother.

Narcissistic parents typically groom their children to feel this way, while at the same time creating more and more situations for themselves that make you feel obligated to help them.

Stop rewarding bad behavior. Rewarding bad behavior is stepping in to help her get out of problems of her own making. So is listening to complaints and then bending over backwards trying to fix them.

If she is cognizant enough to arrange her own move without any help, she is cognizant enough to do more for herself without your involvement.

Redraw your boundaries on what you will and won't do for her to a level more tolerable for you.

Actions speak louder than words with narcissistic types, so don't waste your breath trying to explain and make her see your side. She can't.

When the complaints start, don't engage. That's your signal to cut the visit or the call short. "Oops, look at the time - gotta go mom - love you!"
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Beethoven13 Jun 22, 2025
I’ve been doing work with a therapist on Enmeshment, especially daughters and mothers. Lots of crossover with narcissistic (elderly) mothers in particular. It’s been helpful for me. I agree with you pulling back and not being as helpful. I’m also managing my 91 year old mother’s finances so I know what that’s like. I understand how much effort you are expending on her. I have cut my visits to 1 or 2 per week. I don’t share much personal information and am working on not feeling guilty. I had a fun day yesterday about an hour’s drive away and just enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, I can’t share that with my mother.
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I can only wonder what the motivation was to leave the nice AL, that includes 3 meals, 24 Hr Assistance, and was affordable? I don't see how someone that age with that many health issues would be crazy enough give up her AL life, which includes meals, a housekeeper, laundry done, etc. She couldn't be THAT bored! What exactly was her reason to dump her easy and very accommodating lifestyle at 95?

Time for some serious tough love. Pull back from all the services you provided the last 4 years, for starters. The way you should come across now is impatient and "We all told you so!" Loose the ridiculous guilt, or feeling you are the only one to do everything for her. Mom is a spoiled Senior Brat. I'd ignore her complaining.

Nobody MADE her leave her great arrangement. Rub her nose it it! You didn't cause all her health issues and cause her to get old and selfish. You have your own family, who comes first. Be blunt...tell her she needs to go back where she was, before her money runs out.

"Mom, you insisted on being independent, so you did this to yourself against everyone's advice! How's that working for you now? That was not a smart idea, was it? Plus I have health issues myself, and can't do everything for you like I was doing." Lather, rinse and repeat.
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ElizabethAR37 Jun 22, 2025
Agreed. If my 95 Y/O spouse and 88 Y/O me had the funds for a high-end ALF for 4+ years, I probably could not be PRIED loose from that arrangement. We are able to live on our own for now, but housekeeping, 3 meals a day and laundry sound pretty good to me! Old-old age is definitely NOT for sissies.
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Tell them since she disregarded all the advice she has been given, you have to step back and continue to do the paperwork (which is huge- it takes a lot of my time for my mother) but nothing else. My mother's parents were both dead by the time she was 49 and she didn't do ONE DAY of caregiving. I'm fed up with her selfish and mean ways. She had 2 different doctors and a social worker tell her she couldn't live alone, but she knows more than anyone. I checked with an elder law attorney because I was afraid something bad would happen and I'd be blamed for it. He said the only thing I could do would be to get her declared incompetent and that would be difficult because he said a lot of times the old person appears in court with "showtimers" and can convince the judge they're fine. Maybe you could tell her since she didn't like where she was living, that you don't either and so you're moving too - far, far, away so you can enjoy your retirement.
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Oedgar23 Jun 22, 2025
This is such a helpful answer. I am my mother‘s POA and I am currently worried about being blamed for her living conditions. Or blame is something bad happens.
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Your mother has been adjudged, apparently, legally competent to make her decisions.
You, as an adult are also competent/responsible for YOUR decisions.

I personally would resign my POA, and would not partake in caregiving mom in any way, and would have forewarned her that would be the case if she left care.

Your choice is your own. You have made yourself responsible for your mother and tried to make yourself responsible for her happiness. You see before you the thanks you will get for such actions. Care for yourself and your own life, or don't. It is up to you, in the final assessment of everything. Whatever your choice I wish you the very best.
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