Has anyone’s relationship with their parents changed as they’ve gotten older?

Oh yes! I use to think my mother was supportive and maybe she was! We use to talk a lot, however, I am sure unlike your mom (mind was talking about me behind my back). We live together now and we don't talk unless she needs something or I need her to do something. I have learned to detach from her!

What you are describing above was probably the first signs of dementia (I don't know for sure), but I remember telling her something--anything and some how it became all be about her! I could tell her something small and she would just take it to a whole new level or it would turn into an argument. Well, I just stop calling her and didn't really talk to her for 4 to 5 yrs (this was when my dad was alive). I didn't understand what was going on! Now that hindsight being 20/20, I think it was dementia showing its ugly head! Even my dad couldn't stand to talk or be around her anymore.

I wonder does your mom have dementia? You talk like your mom is showing a new personality changes! She could of had a mini-stoke and no one would have know it--not even her!

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this...to me this is one of the hardest things to go through in the beginning, because it is so confusing. My heart goes out to you! To me this is where the mother I knew and thought who loved me died and someone else took over or maybe for me (just speaking of my relationship with my mother) her true colors came out)! Sigh:(

Hugs!!!

71 in my book these days is still rather young by comparison to the past. So an early personality change like this is concerning. It is true that as people age their world narrows and they do become more self centered. However why has she changed at this age. Has she had any medical check ups recently? My mother died of a brain tumor at 64 and her personality was affected. So I would level with your mom. Tell her what you’ve observed, that you are concerned ther could be something wrong. And would she consider seeing her doctor. If she does, then go with her and try to let the doctor know what you’ve observed. It could be a physical issue or mental.

I agree with Harpcat that age 71 is young for those kinds of changes. My mom (at 90) is also like that, but she was always like that and now the volume's just up on all of it ;-) I also manage care for 3 other relatives between 85 and 100 and the most difficult thing is to try to look at them with new eyes and remember they are no longer 100% their old selves (and they can't help it). You don't see the dementia "line" so when they cross over and back its upsetting and confusing until you can come to grips with it. I think reading up on dementia will help, as will knowing there's so many others walking the same path as you right now. Wishing you peace with your mom!

It’s like beginning a relationship with someone new. My Mom overreacts with me, is loud, has no boundaries with those around her, cannot hear - and is just as you described your Mom.

Before these changes, I’d know how Mom would react to most things. Now it’s all just intensified. I’m so surprised at some things she’s said and done the last few years. Now, coming to grips with these changes, it IS sad.

We are experiencing grief for what was. I recommend caregiver support group, which you have online, here. Try to plug in with a local support group - I am lucky to have an active group of 8-10 caregivers in all stages of caregiving. Read up on what to expect in the future of dementia caregiving so you’re able to see ahead of the curve. Right now, I’m researching how to best navigate conversations with Mom about all the things she does not want to do (because I’ve suggested it).

Hope you stay in touch here.

NO - it was bad when I was young (4+) and it is as bad now - that's the way abuse goes. I don't resent her or her behaviour, I haven't forgiven it, they require thought and I just think of her as little as possible.

Under normal circumstances everyone's relationship with their parents changes with getting older. One moves from being treated like a child to being respected as an adult. It's not necessarily weakening but rather evolving. Some parents have a hard time accepting that their children have grown up.

I am an only child. My parents moved me across the country, away from all family, when I was only four. My parents and I always had a close relationship, and they were super-cool hippy-type parents, I thought the world of them!! But, they definitely had a "hope I die before I get old" (Led Zeppelin) outlook and very bad attitudes about aging. So...by the time they got in their late 60s, instead of enjoying life (they were both in excellent health), they decided life was "over" because they could no longer be as active, and they went to the opposite extreme which was sitting in the house all day...evening wine went to noon wine, which went to 7 AM wine, which went to sleeping all day, falls, arguments, etc. Now after another ten years they both seem much, much older than they actually are and do not resemble the people who raised me. I am now very resentful that because they isolated themselves, they now only have me, and me alone to tend to their care. My mom is resentful when I spend time with friends, have fun or just generally enjoy life. I don't like what either one of them has become, and I am scared their deteriorated state is going to drag on for years & years and drain the life out of me. I am stuck with zombie-strangers and I am very angry about the whole thing.

I agree with Harpcat. Don't ignore these changes. This isn't normal for *her*, and 71 is too young to write her off as a cranky old lady.

It’s hard. It truly is. I watched my mom change. She has always been a perfectionist. Perfectionists have negative qualities that make it difficult for others to be around them at times. Maybe that’s why I became a ‘fly by the seat of my pants’ type person when I was young. I used to take off with my friends on a whim to go backpacking. God, I miss those days of driving 8 to 10 hours to the Smoky Mountains to go hiking in nature. I loved it!

Being a perfectionist with me is one thing but my daughter went through anorexia because my mom is so obsessive about everything. None of us are large women. My mother constantly criticized larger people. It made me crazy because my kid started starving herself, throwing up in the bathroom to remain a size 0 so she wouldn’t hear criticism from grandma. The pediatrician told my daughter that if she didn’t gain a few pounds she would put her in the hospital and place a feeding tube in her. I took my daughter for counseling to counteract what grandma told her. I was in that sandwich generation for awhile. My kids have been out of the house for awhile but it was tough raising them with her living here too.

I told my mom to shut up about people’s weight! All about image for her. She’s almost 94 and dresses up to go to the doctor, hair and make up done perfectly. Mom’s doctor keeps telling her to gain a little weight. She takes that as a complement. She’s so ridiculous. It’s fine to want to look nice but do not put others down. That drives me crazy!

Mom has become negative. She chronically complains and constantly worries. It wears me out!

When she was younger and active she was happier. Misery loves company but I don’t want to be miserable with her. So my latest thing is walking away, going to my bedroom and closing the door! I hate feeling like a prisoner but it’s better than listening to her nag.

My Mother got dementia and passed away in January. She was my best friend. Always supportive and offered great advice.. I missed her before she passed away but visited her and she always recognized me. she was 95. My Dad is 97 he is now holding his own but mixing up his stories..it is sad to watch. and then theres my sister who is 55 and buttering Dad up getting his money and all benefits she doesn't deserve. She has him convinced she cannot work but she is out partying and jumping around so if she can do that she can certainly get out there and make some money. She lies steals cheats and he enables her. So sad to watch and if i try to do something he defends her so its useless. Things have definitely changed for the worse. I see my Dad once a week to take him out to eat and food shopping. I do enjoy his stories and great sense of humor.

My mother has terrible over reactions to everything.....I literally can't talk to her anymore these days. But she has dementia and is 92. I have to agree with everything she says, even if it's outrageous and flat out wrong, otherwise an argument will ensue. If your mother is acting like this,,,,,very much out of character,,,,,she may be going down the dementia road. Don't automatically write all the behavioral changes off to "old age"....because it's not normal aging to suddenly undergo huge personality changes. I'm not sure you're seeing "Your relationship weaken" as much as your mother's behavior changing, you know? If the filter is gone off of what she's saying and she's oblivious to it, that's another warning sign of possible dementia. See if her PCP can give her a mini cognitive test to get a baseline as to where she's at, mentally.

Good luck!

Sounds a bit like what happens to many LO's taste buds as they age, they elevate the sweets and the salt (even though it's so bad for them) because they can't taste anything otherwise or sometimes anything but salty and sweet. Maybe you could try to see/hear your mom's reactions that way, as heightened because otherwise she isn't feeling. Even though it's almost impossible for us to understand because we just can't relate, she likely has no sense that she is being so contrary, her filter is different and she just doesn't have the sense that she is no longer being thoughtful and supportive or that she is being so difficult to those around her instead. She is not in control of her thoughts and behavior they way she used to be and who knows perhaps she always had these thoughts she just never expressed them and made the decision to live the old saying "if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all".

I agree it absolutely warrants having her fully checked out since this is such a major change for her not just magnified normal behavior but generally speaking even if they are able to reverse some of it for now there is going to come a time when you will need to change your approach and way of thinking about her behavior because she wont have enough awareness or control over her behavior to expect her to change. Maybe if you imagine to yourself, this is what was really going through her mind years ago, imagine how Dad would have reacted if she had said this then? Or maybe consider how much self control she exercised all those years if this is her natural, raw, reaction and what a loving thing it was to refrain. Either way the person she is exhibiting now doesn't change the person you grew up with, don't let this current behavior win out as being the way you relate to her and remember her because you do yourself a disservice if you do and that would be a shame.

The short answer I can give you is try to just stay positive and be positive with her as long as you maintain positivity you will help your self and possibly help her. I know it’s extremely hard to stay positive however laughter smiling and making jokes even if their stupid jokes helps a lot. Also it’s possibly your time to become the one that supportive thoughtful and aware. As the caregiver of my own parents that’s what I tried to do I hope this helps you. Also don’t forget to do something good for yourself pamper yourself a little bit do something that you love to do and don’t feel guilty about it.

I Miss Big B, The Cool Mom from back in the day, And even Deceased Now, I still Think of the way she used to be....
Yes, Parents Become Less Cool when they get Older and We? More Bolder....xx

I’ve been through some of this with my dad. He doesn’t have dementia, but does have what his doctors term a “loss of filters” plus he has loads of time on his hands to sit and focus on the lives of others. It comes from an honest place, he wants to be involved and a part of our lives. Unfortunately that often comes across as him giving unwanted opinions or preseverating on a topic others don’t want to keep hearing about. The way our family has handled it is that we heavily edit what we tell him, he just doesn’t know a lot of details about our lives anymore. Don’t feed him ammo in other words. And we listen to his thoughts until it turns into complete negativity, then it’s sorry gotta go!

Made me sad to read your post because I went
through same with my Mom. I adored her, single
Mom, good mother but always bossy, could be hateful
and so critical. It got a lot worse the older she got.
I put up with it for to many years. Always trying to
please her. Bought her new microwave once, next
time I went home, it was in the basement. The power
went out & to much trouble to read instructions to
reset the clock!!! I just grew so very tired of this, begin
not to even like her anymore. I realized what a narcissist,
controlling woman she was. Sweet as honey out in
public but OH God, at home, in car, in restaurants she
was a nightmare, embarrassed me constantly and
then the love slowly begin to die (SAD). She died 4
years ago & I really do not miss her or grief! That makes
me so very sad!

Oh I can relate!! My mom is 83 with dementia and I can honestly say that I lost my Mom a year ago. She never asks about the well being of anyone or me, nor does she have any concern or interest of anything that is going on with your life. Like you have said every little thing is "huge" in their lives. I guess its because their world has been so reduced by the dementia. Sorry you are going thru this.

I will tell you, I have joined a caregiver support group and it helps so much to have a group that can relate to everything you are going thru.

Mom was always headstrong. My opinion was she was somewhat controlling, mostly due to her childhood experiences. But her tendency to control was motivated by wanting to help mostly. Not to say it wasn't difficult at times. My experience in her last few years was she found that she had to relinquish control as she needed more help and as time went on, our relationship was even better. I never expected this. She was clearly grateful for the help I provided and as she let go of control all that was left was pure love. Pure unconditional love. I realize that this may not be most people's experience but it was mine. She taught me so much about unconditional love and aging with grace.

Welcome to Dementiaville! It's sad to see what this condition does to the brains and personalities of those we love. I first dealt with it in the mid-1980s with my beloved grandfather who, at that time, was the person I loved most in the world. I was a grandpa's girl from babyhood. He was the handsomest, wisest, strongest, kindest, funniest, most loving man in the world. His personality changed drastically with the advance of dementia. I felt like someone pulled the rug out from under my whole existence. As his confusion grew, he became irritable, quarrelsome, and defiant. He was actually better behaved with me than with anyone else. It just felt weird to reverse our roles of protector, soother, and teacher.

In a way, it did prepare me for how my mother (his daughter) is behaving now. She and I butted heads occasionally to begin with and now it is 10 times worse with our role reversal. She was always a bit self centered and that is very much magnified these days. She used to be generous and helpful to others and is now paranoid - accusing everyone of stealing from her and hoarding things like reading glasses and pens. I don't like who she has become and she wouldn't either if she realized it. I can only pray that my body or heart will give out before my mind does. I don't want to live like that.

Your relationship does not have to suffer! My mother is not the mother that I grew up with, that mother is gone. The person that is left is still my mom just different. I had to accept the change just like she had to accept the fact that I had grown up and was different. I had to realize and accept the fact that mother would never get better and it wasn't her fault. It was hard, so very hard and so many shed tears by me. My mother owned and ran two dealerships, built her own house and was extremely independent. She mowed her own lawn by hand up till the age of 74. I now do everything for her, just remember it is harder for her, look at what she had to give up? Her independence and her whole way of life. Your mother is still there, she is just different that's all, enjoy her while she is still on this earth, that's all you can do and yet, it's everything...

I think that EVERYONE'S relationship changes to some degree as the parent (and child!)) age! It wouldn't be healthy or normal to hang on to your mommy your entire life as if she were the only 'person' in your life. Same with dads but it seems more of an issue with mothers.

My mother and I are basically just on speaking terms. And it's really her fault, b/c she has always been so self centered. Who was it said 'house devil, street angel?" Wow--does that apply.

Just the natural growth up and apart from our parents is far better than having a daily 'need' to talk to or see a parent. (I'm talking about a parent who isn't requiring daily physical, emotional assistance. Just a mom being a mom.) I may go a week between talks with my son--but that's my SON. My daughters , I hear from every week, even if it's just a quick text or visit. I hope to keep space in my togetherness with them. And I have cancer right now and am undergoing chemo, feel lousy all the time and might like to hear from them more often...but the constant reminder that my own relationship with my mother is awful...I tend to withdraw a little and not ask them for anything. Support as they raise the kids (and when their kids were small, I was tending for them every week!) and helping when wanted. Close as we want but not closer. It's a fine line!

My BFF had the loveliest mother. Just--wonderful, Guileless and sweet and loving. When she passed, even tho she hadn't been an active part of my life for years, I mourned her passing. She was a BIG part of my growing up years--for the good.

I have 100% control over whether I do or don't see mother. And I don't. I'm self protecting and I have no plans to see her until (maybe) Christmas and that will e a drop by visit, and I won't even go in her house if I am still immunocompromised.

I don't have wonderful. loving memories of life with my mom. It's so sad, but I daresay, there's a lot of us out there.

So I would say yes, my relationship with mother has changed. I'm stronger and say "no" a lot and don't put up with ANY of her crap.

Okay, I am definitely stealing that term ‘street angel, house devil’. I love that description! Oh, so accurate!

I think a lot of it has to do with 'survival' kicking in. As they age and become more aware of limits to what they used to be able to do, it will create a more self centered personality. Empathy kind of goes out the window because their own aches and pains, limits are, of course, more evident to them than the aches and pains of others.

I was talking to my own dr one time and he asked how I was...gave him a little insight as to my mom being so possessive of my time, constantly calling if I run to the store and asking if I'm alright. He said of course she is that way - you are the life preserver that is preserving her ability to stay afloat..in her house...without major changes. He had no idea how much insight he gave to me. Obvious, of course, but until someone says it to you, you may not get it.

The relationship has changed - reversed - and it would go back to what it was before. You just have to remind yourself of the mom you used to have.

As for her loud, abrasive nature - talk to her as close to the time it happens as you can --- while the comments are still very fresh in her mine. Calmly tell her she never said things like that before and it's hurtful to others. If there really is some mental/dementia thing going on, this conversation may not even work, but worth a try. You might even check on some of her meds. There are two that drastically change my mother's personality (kind of mean, snapping remarks). One is gabapentin and the other is tramadol. Horrible meds for her. You might also check for UTI if you see sudden personality change.

I was always Dad's favorite. When the illness begin to make itself known, my first instinct was to help and protect him. Now, I feel like I never knew the man. No more in depth conversations, lest we trip a trigger back to WW2 or the Depression. He is so negative... I try and have a new item mentioned at breakfast, just to set the tone for the day, (and keep him feeling informed) today, he twisted it so fast into doom and gloom and self centered, I had to finish the rest of the meal in silence. I swear I could say it's a beautiful day and he'd find a dozen reasons why it's not. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd think "Shady Pines," but the choice of throwing myself on the sword or locating assisted living is coming, and that is a thought I hate. It's un unfair Catch-22 that life has thrown and consider anyone who has lost their parent lucky. This slow goodbye is hell.

As we get older and see our parents begin to suffer some of the effects of aging, we go from a relationship where they were the parents to one where they become more dependent upon us as some of there facilites decline. If they have mobility issues, we need to make sure they have safe transportation to help them get to doctors appointments. If their thinking becoming confused or they have TIA's, we may have to make sure their bills, rent, etc. are paid. No matter what you are experiencing is not abnormal but part of aging. However, senior centers, the office on aging, AARP Organization, etc, can offer you avenues of help on financial concerns, assisted living, ways for them to maintain their socialibility, to have time with older seniors in their age group and this will help both you and them have a better understanding of how to help them and help yourself, so neither of you feel totally overwhelmed by the new changes that are entering your lives. Please do reach out to these sources, I can say, I never have regretted doing that as I went through 11 years of care giving for m y spouse,

I am having an extremely bad day. Last night I heard my mom trashing me to my younger brother on the phone. Today I heard her trashing me to my older brother on the phone. It’s not worth it. Not to me anymore. If I could walk away today and never ever look back I would.

I am good enough to wipe her a**, dump her bedside commode, bathe her from head to toe, change her soiled sheets, etc. but not good enough to respect.

All of this because I set boundaries and don’t jump anymore when she says to. This is her payback for standing my ground! Sweet momma to my brothers and who cares if I have a nervous break down or drop dead from a stroke or heart attack!

I am furious right now. So sick of this crap! Old people can be so selfish! But it’s not just age. She has always been a sexist person who thought the only daughter should do everything for her while her sons are treated like kings! What gives? Someone tell me to get off this merry go round before I totally crack up!

My dad died at 50, but my mother lived to age 94, with a LOT of ailments. She became someone who fibbed because she didn't want to leave her home, where she was living alone. Falls, fires in the home went unreported to her 2 adult children (me and my brother) and that's just for starters. Age 71 is young.

I empathize with your delima. Been there done that. I began "missing" my Mom several years before she actually passed. That person who had raised me with love, understanding & compassion slowly slipped away. I could no longer "see" the person who taught me values, her faith, her general life knowledge....that person who sacrificed her wants and needs to be sure my sibs and i had what we wanted and needed. But...i knew i wamted to honor that person by taking care of this person who was living in her body. I also saw that as Mom slowly slipped away SHE knew she was. This frightened her. It frustrated her. It made her sad. It made her angry. As i was missing her, so was she. My Mom was 93 when she passes. At 71 your Mom is still "young." Have her checked out for any medical issues. Odly enough many "negative" behaviours can be traced back to something as basic as a UTI. And i agree with one of your responders.....as i get older ( i'm 68) i do care less what others think ( but i do care a lot), and have lived and experieced enough that i hope i can pass some "wisdom" on to others ( but i don't want to push my thoughts & opinions on others). It's a balancing act i don't always get right.
May Yahova give you strenght and wisdom 🙏

I'm 70 & my mom just passed a few months ago - everyone ages at a different rate but maybe your mom is lonely & wants to be seen as a contributor of the family & just maybe you aren't giving her enough credit

Or she might be in early dementia .... or xxxxx .... or yyyyy .... or zzzzz - she seems a bit early to be in dementia but that could be the case - maybe she is lonely & inserts herself to get attention - monitor this but don't panic too soon

Also a person's needs/wants/expectation changes as they get older .... a 20 year old woman wanting to get married & have kids is acceptable but not in a 60 years old .... just to give you an example - you are not a teen-ager or early 20 year old not so why are you expecting your mom not to have changed too

Try to look at her life & maybe she is bored out of her gourd or maybe she has to cancel outings with friends to fit you into her life or somewhere in between just know she has been adjusting her life as she ages & hasn't been static in her activities/life goals

I understand. My parents are both that way now. It's all about them, all of the time. Both of them are narcissists. They have always been troubled, selfish and difficult but as they age (they're 79 and 87 now) they both have become much worse. They expect to be worshipped and waited on like gods and get extremely mad when the world doesn't worship the ground they walk on. They expected me to be their servant, even if they're both 100% capable of taking care of themselves. Nope. I have strong boundaries, keeping toxicity away from me.

Dad used to have a caring side to him.
It is gone now. He is prone to terrifying fits of rage, is simmering with hostility and angry emotions just below the surface. He loses control of his emotions so much I am truly afraid if him. He and mom show no interest in me unless somehow it benefits them. I miss the days when he was nicer. My mother was always abusive to both of us and he was weak..I protected him a lot. The years of living with a power hungry megalomaniac have taken its toll. He lashes out in anger at me if I show kindness. He threw the Christmas presents I bought for him back at me last holiday season, nasty and self righteous for no reason. They don't give me presents but I gave them some anyways. Not anymore. I will not visit at Christmas anymore. Both of them are so mean that I have now backed away for my wellbeing. My physical health is suffering from years of their abuse and so now I must put myself first.
I mourn the loss of the part of dad that cared. Mom is fake "nicer" but only because she is looking for free gifts, dinners in restaurants and money from me. I'm done with all of that because they've come to expect..and demand..these things. She never loved me and resents me now because I am successful, and have boundaries. She worked hard to make sure I would fail in life..so I worked hard to get ahead. And I did. They both resent me for not being their gutless servant. Tough. Life goes on and it hurts so much to have parents who don't care but my life away from them is peaceful and good. My therapist says that I was an "orphan" all along..because they cannot love or be there. They only get worse so its my time to let go. It's just not worth my health.