I am finding it difficult to accept my LO’s loss. I know it takes time; probably at least a year. I am not suicidal about it. I just hurts so much more than I expected. I am taking one day at a time, but I fear the future.
I suffered what's known as complicated grief. I saw a therapist but ultimately I had to just work through the stages of grief on my own time. I found that going to counseling every week just kept me focused on - and mired in - grief. I had to move to a new apartment because for me, personally, it was too difficult for me to stay where so many memories and anticipated future dreams and plans were.
After I moved, I formed a "game night" group at my church, where anyone in my small community could come join in. I also took up dance lessons, and volunteered at my local library three days a week. These three activities helped me tremendously. I needed to keep reminding myself that my loved one would want me to live my life. He loved his life, and by at least trying to love mine I was honoring his. Perhaps you could look at it that way too. ♥️ It's been four years (hard to believe) since he died, and I still haven't healed and I've accepted I never will, completely. And that's ok. It doesn't mean I can't still keep going forward in my own journey until God calls me home too.
Please don't be discouraged about finding a therapist. Covid has increased the demand for therapy exponentially. You can also get help from some social workers who specialize in grief issues and also counselors. I would call some hospice places and ask if they can give you any names for a grief counselor. Funeral homes might also keep a list of grief groups or therapists. Grief is a very tricky thing - it comes at you at the oddest of times ---- a memory can just lay you flat There is no timeline for grief. My Dad had been dead 20 years and in those intrevening years I adjusted to his loss. I was at a UMD vs Navy football game in Baltimore with all kinds of pomp and circumstance and I was brought to my knees in pain because I knew how much he would have enjoyed being at that event and I missed him. Remembering that event can still bring me to tears and I am now in my 70's. My personal theory is that the pain of loss doesn't ever really go away, we just learn how to deal with the pain. I hope you find some peace. PS: I tired attending a grief group which was very helpful for many of the attendees. Personally, I did better with an individual counselor but that is just my temperment - I have difficulty sharing in a group environment.
I have attended grief groups and have also run them. For me and others who shared they were very helpful. I would make sure any psychologist you see specializes in grief counselling. You might benefit by checking out grief groups. Hospitals should have information about them Any I know don't have a fee. Good luck in finding support.
Pain after loss in normal. You have to feel and express your feelings and look after yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Pain may come at any time, but normally lessens as time (years) go on, With loss the first year or so you live your life around your grief. After that you fit your grief around your life. It's a lonely road but you do move on. The 4 T's of grief - time, tears, talk (or writing)and toil (doing the work of expressing your grief). Check online for ways to honour your LO and express your grief. They all help. (((((((hugs))))))
There are lots of ways that you can get help. Informal but organized Grief Support Groups do help a lot. Many are organized through churches or other places of worship. All Hospice organizations have Bereavement Support Groups and most of them will allow someone that has lost a loved one that was not on Hospice to participate. Many Residential facilities (Independent, Assisted and Memory Care) will have a variety of Support Groups. And lastly, the cause of your loved ones death. The Organization that supports that condition will typically have a toll free number that you can call and ask if there are Bereavement Support Groups In each of these cases if the Facilitator thinks that you need more support they can help referring you to someone that they have worked with. It might be a psychologist or a licensed therapist or other professional but you would probably get an appointment. In all cases if you call a therapist they will always ask if this is urgent. I do not think you have to be suicidal for you to classify it as urgent. And you are right grief does take time. There is no time line for it though. But there is a difference between grief and depression. Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference. OH, to answer your question Do they help?. They can help if you want them to. I have known people that just do not or will not accept the help and suggestions in Support Groups. For them the support groups do not help.
My father, the dearest person in my life, dropped dead 3 weeks after my first child was born.
My child’s birth followed a terribly painful and difficult infertility history, and I was just beginning to rejoice in his birth following a horrible labor and Caesarean delivery.
I sometimes daydream about how things could have been different if I’d had better psychiatric care during that first terrible year. I was so ruined by the loss that I never really had the chance to relish the beautiful and amazing new little life I’d been given.
I know now, as the grandmother of that beautiful baby’s child, that although the loss never disappears, life can be filled with promise and beauty again.
None of us know how long it will take, but the sweetness of life will re emerge.
I still wish that I’d gotten the help I needed much MUCH sooner. May what I hoped for come soon to you, Ricky6.
By all means, see a frief counselor or join a grief group.
Also, get the book Healing After Loss, by Martha Hickman. You read one page a day for a year, and it helps you absorb the loss one day at a time as you're already doing now. A friend discovered this book after he lost his wife in a car accident , and it helped him so much he bought a case of them for their church to give to families who've lost LOs.
When my dad died i was devastated. I saw a psychologist for 12 weeks and took a strong anti- depressant for 6 months. You will grieve as much as you need to. There is no time limit. But soon you will find that you have gone 5 minutes without grieving. And then 10, and then an hour. And you might relapse, and grieve every 10 min. But then it will be 2 hours. Then 3. 4. 5. And then half a day will go by. So, what I learned from my counseling was, when you start to feel overwhelmed, BREATHE. DEEP BREATHS. Keep doing it and think about how glad you are that your LO isn't suffering anymore, and you have all the wonderful memories of your time together. And the pain will lessen. Hugs.
I struggled tremendously with the loss of my Mom last year...her decline had been slow, steady, and painful ...multiple health issues, many hospitalizations, tests, surgeries, etc. I originally used a personal grief counselor who helped me so much ...a registered Social Worker specializing in grief. For about 5 months we started zoom sessions 2x a week, then weekly, then bi- weekly, etc. She recommended GriefShare as well. I participated in my parish program. Everyone was in different stages of mourning, but we all helped each other with whatever stage we were in. No one can support and understand like someone who has been there or is going through the pain. It saved my life, my sanity, and my soul. I 100% recommend it as a most valuable support tool.
The groups of GriefShare have a wonderful reputation for helping many people deal with the emotions of loss. You can find meetings in your area on their website. I wish you healing and peace
I suffered what's known as complicated grief. I saw a therapist but ultimately I had to just work through the stages of grief on my own time. I found that going to counseling every week just kept me focused on - and mired in - grief. I had to move to a new apartment because for me, personally, it was too difficult for me to stay where so many memories and anticipated future dreams and plans were.
After I moved, I formed a "game night" group at my church, where anyone in my small community could come join in. I also took up dance lessons, and volunteered at my local library three days a week. These three activities helped me tremendously. I needed to keep reminding myself that my loved one would want me to live my life. He loved his life, and by at least trying to love mine I was honoring his. Perhaps you could look at it that way too. ♥️ It's been four years (hard to believe) since he died, and I still haven't healed and I've accepted I never will, completely. And that's ok. It doesn't mean I can't still keep going forward in my own journey until God calls me home too.
How long has it been?
I hope this helps a little.
PS: I tired attending a grief group which was very helpful for many of the attendees. Personally, I did better with an individual counselor but that is just my temperment - I have difficulty sharing in a group environment.
Pain after loss in normal. You have to feel and express your feelings and look after yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Pain may come at any time, but normally lessens as time (years) go on, With loss the first year or so you live your life around your grief. After that you fit your grief around your life. It's a lonely road but you do move on. The 4 T's of grief - time, tears, talk (or writing)and toil (doing the work of expressing your grief). Check online for ways to honour your LO and express your grief. They all help. (((((((hugs))))))
Informal but organized Grief Support Groups do help a lot. Many are organized through churches or other places of worship.
All Hospice organizations have Bereavement Support Groups and most of them will allow someone that has lost a loved one that was not on Hospice to participate.
Many Residential facilities (Independent, Assisted and Memory Care) will have a variety of Support Groups.
And lastly, the cause of your loved ones death. The Organization that supports that condition will typically have a toll free number that you can call and ask if there are Bereavement Support Groups
In each of these cases if the Facilitator thinks that you need more support they can help referring you to someone that they have worked with. It might be a psychologist or a licensed therapist or other professional but you would probably get an appointment.
In all cases if you call a therapist they will always ask if this is urgent. I do not think you have to be suicidal for you to classify it as urgent.
And you are right grief does take time. There is no time line for it though. But there is a difference between grief and depression. Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference.
OH, to answer your question Do they help?. They can help if you want them to. I have known people that just do not or will not accept the help and suggestions in Support Groups. For them the support groups do not help.
My child’s birth followed a terribly painful and difficult infertility history, and I was just beginning to rejoice in his birth following a horrible labor and Caesarean delivery.
I sometimes daydream about how things could have been different if I’d had better psychiatric care during that first terrible year. I was so ruined by the loss that I never really had the chance to relish the beautiful and amazing new little life I’d been given.
I know now, as the grandmother of that beautiful baby’s child, that although the loss never disappears, life can be filled with promise and beauty again.
None of us know how long it will take, but the sweetness of life will re emerge.
I still wish that I’d gotten the help I needed much MUCH sooner. May what I hoped for come soon to you, Ricky6.
Also, get the book Healing After Loss, by Martha Hickman. You read one page a day for a year, and it helps you absorb the loss one day at a time as you're already doing now. A friend discovered this book after he lost his wife in a car accident , and it helped him so much he bought a case of them for their church to give to families who've lost LOs.
So, what I learned from my counseling was, when you start to feel overwhelmed, BREATHE. DEEP BREATHS. Keep doing it and think about how glad you are that your LO isn't suffering anymore, and you have all the wonderful memories of your time together. And the pain will lessen.
Hugs.
No one can support and understand like someone who has been there or is going through the pain. It saved my life, my sanity, and my soul. I 100% recommend it as a most valuable support tool.