Has anyone shared the care of their moderately demented parent with a sibling who lives out of state?

I have not heard of adult children willing to take turns having their parent in their home like you plan to do. If I understand correctly, your parent will live in 4 different cities and 2 different states within a 12 month period?

Medicare and Medicaid and Medicare Supplements qualification requirements (such as residency requirements) differ from state to state nor does each state offer the same services or the same level of services.
Before you begin this "Share of Care" process, you need to make sure that:
-your parent's Financial and Medical/Health POA and Advances Directives and Medicare/Medicaid residency meet each state's requirements,
-you determine who will manage parent's day-to-day expenses and bank account(s)/mutual funds/finances and how the adult child that your parent is currenlty living with will be reimbursed for parent's expenses without the money being considered "gifted" to them by Medicare/Medicaid,
-the parent has a Primary Care Physician in each city or state,
-that the parent's health insurance will cover health expenses in each state and that ALL physicians and hospitals, etc. are WITHIN insurance company's network,
-the parent has a pharmacy in each city or state,
-make sure that the parent's prescriptions (especially narcotics or pain killers) can be written by a physician in another city or state if they do not have a Primary Care Physician where they are currently,
-you have contingency plans in place for each adult child's residence in case the parent become ill while at that adult child's home,
-you have contingency plans in case one of the adult children (or their children or in-laws) become sick or injured or that adult child cannot take care of your parent (for any reason),
-you have plans for when the parent's dementia becomes too much for one (or more) of the adult children to handle,
-talk with your parent and agree as to how much clothing and personal belongings your parent will be allowed to move each time,
-you determine with your parent where the remainder of their belongings will be stored (or will belongings be sold so that parent only has the items allowed to be moved).
-have approval from the parent themselves for this arrangement.

Please be aware that people with dementia often need stability and consistency in their lives and that they do not do well with constant change of their schedule or environment. Some people become more confused each time they move to a new environment and the more they move, the longer it takes for the person to adjust to their new surroundings and routine.

Your parent is very lucky that their adult children are so willing to work together to take care of them. Good Luck.

That was supposed to be the plan when my mother moved in my house. Never happened. Then one day I had a sister tell me she's my responsibility now and that was the end. That's when I realized that I could not do this alone nor would I even try to keep doing it alone. So I moved my mother into her own small senior apartment... that was the best thing that ever happened.

How does the parent feel about the move? I mean they might LOVE that change of scene and people and they might hate the idea. Because you know, what about my "stuff". How can all that be moved? For me I think I would love it, and if I got tired of someone at least the time would be limited. But I can see others might hate it. What does your parent say? I just heard a program on NPR where parents who were elderly said "Why don't they ask ME what I want? Why do they discuss it with everyone else?"
All siblings are on board? I would be too. But ask your parent. You might consider such things also, given this is out of state --medical care? I have Kaiser supplemental and should stay in areas covered by it. POA? How would that work. I think you are thinking outside the box and I love that!

I would be concerned about how far the out of state sibling is from the parent's Primary Care Team.

I do not know how health insurance works in the USA, but would your Mum's health care insurance work across state borders?

Dementia always gets worse, unless the person dies of something else while it is mild. What is the long term plan for Mum?

Agree with the points made about: 1) asking what she wants (and add to that what is realistic/doable for the caregivers), 2) she's probably on Medicare, but does she have supplemental insurance that isn't portable? Or in a limited network? and 3) this arrangement works until it doesn't so, indeed, a longer term plan should be discussed with her now so she can have a say in how she hopes her care will look like in the future. If she ever requires Medicaid, in which state is she a current resident? Does she have to live 6 months and a day in one state in order to be a resident? Qualifications differ from state to state so this should be researched to avoid distressing surprises. I think house-hopping sounds wonderfully fun as long as she likes it and it works for her hosts.

Even if a parent were to agree with such an arrangement, it seems as though it would be an awful lot to ask of them. They'd have to continually get used to different surroundings and sets of different people while their mental state is already spiraling downward. Seems like they would have no sens of belonging if this were to be done. It would probably be better if there were a place where your mom stayed and others took turns coming to stay with her instead of uprooting her every quarter. I will say though that that is a very generous thing for siblings to offer. You don't usually find ones that are willing to cooperate this way. Props to all of you.

I was talking with a friend about your question. She told me that while she was growing up, approximately 1985 to 2003, her parents and her father’s nine siblings took turns taking care of their Mom (friend’s grandmother) for 15+ years (while grandmother was approximately ages 75-93). 

They tried 3 month visits but increased the time spent depending on each sibling’s ability to take care of parent. Usually their Mom stayed 6-12 months with a sibling and there was no set schedule as to when or who would take care of Mom next. 

Some siblings could not take care of Mom until later on—after their own children left home or after they retired (so Mom would have been in late 80’s or early 90’s). One of the siblings was a farmer so their Mom did “take a break” and live on the farm for 3 years until that sibling could no longer take care of her. 

Some siblings (friend’s aunts & uncles) had a bedroom set up for their Mom and other siblings did not. My friend said that her Grandmother would sleep in her bed and she would sleep on the floor while Grandma was staying with her parents. She enjoyed having her Grandmother visit for such a long period of time.

So some families have “Shared the Care” of their parent and it did work most of the time. Just thought you might like to know.

The worse thing you could do for a LO with Alzheimer's or dementia. Routine is vital for keeping them on as even a keel as possible. I know folks who have had family members come to the LO instead when possible. So much easier for the LO. Lord knows their world is in a turmoil in their mind as it is. Anything we can do to help alleviate that is a blessing for all involved in the care of your LO.

Moving around to different places may be difficult for your parent. My mother has advanced dementia. She used to be a person who loved change, trips and travel. As the dementia progressed she had more and more difficulty whenever her environment changed. As mentioned below, she couldn't think of her new apartment as "home." She'd get confused trying to find her room. When her dementia was milder the move from independent living to assisted living in the same facility caused her anxiety and difficulties. Trips to the doctor got difficult, she didn't like the travel. She hated when she had to stay in the hospital after falls. (We eventually changed her care to hospice type care with no hospitalization and no doctor visits). She doesn't really recongnize me as her daughter and when I visit, she seems very comfortable with the aides she sees all of the time. Also remember that dementia can get worse over time and that there may be good and bad days. You have to take it as it is.

You and the siblings need to start working on a plan to keep her in one place. Moving creates more confusion. It's not that mom would not get appropriate care, it has to do with keeping her in familiar surroundings.