Hello- my mom is soon to be 93 yro, lives alone in FL and, of course, wants to be independent. I live 500 miles away and fly down monthly or so to check on her, live. As someone stated, my sister and I are 2 senior citizens propping up our 93 yro mom to be independent, and she is totally dependent on us. We have used the "be a snow bird" and others have encouraged her including her PCP many times. We are trying one again, and bringing her home with me this week for a "visit" and to see my sister, too. We have picked out 2 Independent/Asst Living places and plan to take her to visit so she can choose. It's highly likely she will get very angry about it. She has def signs of dementia specifically short term memory. We have a companion come in 13 hrs/wk and no one else to check on her. She handles ADL but I see her slowing down and she is still DRIVING. If Plan A fails (moving her w/lots of resentment on her part) my sister and I agreed that will request her PCP to report her to the DMV. She should not be driving. My 2 questions: 1) has anyone moved their parent, and it totally angered them - how did you handle it? and 2) has anyone every reported their parent with dementia to the DMV? and did they revoke their license?

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When I took my mom to the doctor for an appointment, I gave the dr a note that explained our situation regarding her driving. I asked the doctor to tell my mother that due to her age she needed to have a driving assessment done. The doctor did as I asked and explained that it was due to her age. I scheduled the driving assessment and my mother failed with flying colors. She almost hit a pedestrian during the driving portion of the test and there were many other issues with her driving. She also failed the written test. Her license was taken from her on the spot and we have never looked back.
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Reply to ladybugmom
MarleysMom Jun 6, 2023
That is exactly what I did with my sister and driving assessment worked! She still says I took her license away but the end result is that she is not on the road.
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You said you are bringing her home with you for a visit . Make arrangements for the car to not be available when she gets back . Have it towed away . Or disable the car , have the battery taken out . Call DMV to get her license revoked . And while she visits with you make sure she can not get keys to take your car anywhere .
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Reply to Way2tired

I did not report my daddy, I just took him off the insurance. When he realized this he was pissed but he knew he could not drive without insurance. I was the worst daughter in the world to him for about six months. He would get in the car with me and I would take him where he needed to go, market, bank, doctors, but he would be soooo angry. I thought too bad, I did not want someone to get injured or killed because of him. I guess I'm just mean that way. Oh after six months I was the best daughter ever. Its not easy to do this.
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Reply to Ohwow323
irwind45150 Jun 6, 2023
Well Said Ohwow323. I have been in your place and lived 3 years with the anger from my dad. He'd had a stroke, and was using a walker. I basically used a guilt trip on him. I asked, "How would you feel if someone with your medical condition and slowed reaction times was driving; they had a 2nd or 3rd stroke while driving and got into an accident and injured or killed you or your great grandson who is only 10." I then left him to ponder my statement. 3 days later he gave me the keys begrudgingly. His resentment and anger continued for more than 3 years, because he felt he could drive (in his words "with no problems"). I did what I had to do to protect my dad and others. It's not easy, but needed and justified.
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I reported both my patents to DMV. This was in NY and each state is different. My dad was the first. He drank everyday and his vision was going so I downloaded the form filled it out and sent it. It took a few weeks but they (DMV) sent him a notice that he needed to do a driving test. He went and took the test and failed. My mom (or in your case, someone you know who lives near your mom) had to drive him to the test in case he failed. They told him he could retake the test and perhaps get his license back but he never did. A year and a half later my mom was showing signs of dementia. Short term memory loss and some frustration. After watching her for months and knowing that she was now the only driver in the house, we became worried. So my sister and I reported her. In NY they do not tell the person being tested who reported them to DMV. That was my sisters biggest worry. She did not want my parents to be angry with her. I understand that, but there are innocent people out there and old drivers can cause accidents. I was not comfortable with my mom's ability to continue driving. Anyway, I don't remember how she got to the driving test, probably a friend (my sister and I live in different states from my parents), but my mom failed the test too. So now neither of them could drive and they had no interest in hiring someone to come into their home to help them.

Long story short. My mom continued to drive, We told her over and over if you get in an accident, you will go to jail. She would not listen. So just know you can advise DMV that your parent is dangerous behind the wheel, but if they take the license away, NO ONE IS GOING TO ENFORCE IT. The police do not care, APS will not intervene. My mom never got into an accident but my sister and I worried about that happening all the time. We finally came and took the keys, but know that they can get the car towed and have new keys made. Hopefully your mom is not that determined.

Now they are in a nursing home. Do they resent us, probably. Did we try everything we could to get them help and keep them safe in their home, YES we did. In the end try to tell your mom:

Make decisions today for what you want tomorrow. Life is changing and if you do not make your choices today, in a manner that safely protects you and your community, you may not get those choices tomorrow.

For your peace of mind do what your gut tells you regardless of whether she gets mad at you. You could save someones life. You could save her life.

Good luck and I wish you the very best with your decisions.
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Reply to Sadkid22

My mom was dead set against she and my dad moving into an assisted living facility at 88 and he was 92 with advancing Alzheimer’s. This was in mid 2021 and she, the social butterfly, had been cooped up in the house for over a year with just us kids visiting. I eventually was able to show her how nice the facility was with lots of nice residents and fun activities and food. She agreed to move one day before she went into the hospital with a heart attack and does a week later. None of us were equipped to take care of an Alzheimer’s patient so we did move dad into a nice smaller ALF near some of us kids. We told dad his house was being temted for termites. He thought he was in a hotel at first and would say what a nice place it was. 🥰. That was almost a year ago. His Alzheimer’s is worse but he still sometimes talks about going home. But overall he is happy, loves his private apartment and we go see him all the time.
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Reply to Skelly1230

My father-in-love drove down a busy street, smashing into the sides of parked cars and breaking off opened car doors, as he went. The police finally caught him in the act and concluded that he must be the person who had been reported as a driving menis by various people reporting hit, runs and missing car doors for months. They took his keys but he came up with another set and started his wreakless driving, yet again. They came back to take the other set along with the car. He rode a bicycle until he could no longer stay in an upright position. He started walking everywhere while carrying a large stick. We tried to get him to stay with us in a town about 30 miles away, but he became confused and agitated. All he wanted was to go back home and we took him back to an angry wife that didn't care enough to stay home and to care for his needs. One autumn day he walked away from home and got lost. His wife didn't inform us that he had gone missing for at least a week. We were leaving church one afternoon when a friend stopped us on our way to the car and told us how sorry he was about what happened to my husband's father. He found out about it by reading a local newspaper, which you showed us. We searched for him from that autumn day and through the winter. He was found in the spring. He was sitting under a tree in the marsh that I saw in a dream. He had died of exposure during the winter and wasn't discovered until the spring thaw on a day in May... Take the keys. Enjoy her and help her to feel independent for, as long as you can.
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Reply to Sloyce3443

First of all, (((HUGS))) for you! You are going through a very difficult time. When it was time for my stepfather to stop driving I spoke with his ENT specialist, who he has a good relationship with, and asked the doctor to have a conversation with him, in which he tells him that he can no longer drive. If you can do this, I recommend it as it is much easier for the doctor to tell the person than it would be for the family. The doctor was kind, but firm, leaving no room for negotiating. He emphasized how devastating it would be if an accident resulted and he was hurt and even worse, if he hurt someone else! He said that as a medical professional he was required to report unsafe drivers to the Registry. If it can be resolved this way, then YOU ARE NOT THE "BAD GUY" and you can commiserate with your Mom. Best of luck with everything. I feel your pain.
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Reply to dmg1954

judy4158: Disable the car by any means possible.
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Reply to Llamalover47

A common thread in many posts is "I am afraid he/she will be mad at me", like that is a major issue. So what if she gets mad, you are doing what is best for her. It is no longer about her many wants, it is about her needs, and if she cannot make a rational decision someone else will have to do it for her.

Most important, have a DBPR and get her off the road.

She can be independent in IL or AL. In FL a note from the doctor will do it.

Be strong, do the right thing for her.
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Reply to MeDolly
spoonielife Jun 6, 2023
>A common thread in many posts is "I am afraid he/she will be mad at me", like that is a major issue. So what if she gets mad, you are doing what is best for her.

You're right you're doing what is best for her, and that *is* crucial. Absolutely agree. However, please keep in mind that doesn't mean the caregiver's feelings about it are nonexistent or unimportant. We're talking about family, not a stranger, maybe someone who you've known and loved or respected your entire life.

Of *course* you have to be strong & do what is best for their needs, not their "wants" - but let's not forget that it's not always easy, which is the whole point of having a forum like this to gain strength and empathy from others in similar situations :).
Old person here: some older adults (likely absent dementia) choose to stop or limit their driving voluntarily. Perhaps that could be presented as a choice/subject for discussion in some cases--even if in the end it won't be. My husband, now 93, stopped driving almost 3 years ago. He has some short-term memory issues but recognizes that operating a stick-shift SUV would be physically problematic due to a bad knee and slower reflexes. He had already stopped driving at night in his mid-80s due to loss of night vision acuity.

I'm 86 and drive locally during the day but have voluntarily stopped driving at night or in bad weather. I avoid freeway driving unless it's absolutely essential. Particularly since COVID, our area has experienced a significant increase in confrontational drivers. There have been more than a few "road rage" shooting incidents on our freeways. Scary! I can no longer always go where I'd like or do what I once did, but that's the trade-off. I'm a careful driver with no accidents (so far).

I guess my point is that it may not always be all-in or all-out when it comes to driving unless the person is clearly a danger to self or others. Older adults may be able to make a responsible decision of their own volition. (Admittedly, it will make life much more challenging if/when I can no longer drive to the grocery store, but I think/hope I will know when that time has come.)
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Reply to ElizabethAR37

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