Most of you know my story. Lately my dad has been saying he hopes he is going to go to heaven when his time comes. He started this a few months ago. At first he said he knew he had done some things but he never mistreated anyone, but he did. He mistreated my mom and I. Now he has admitted that he did wrong things in is marriage. He did not give specifics but I believe he is going to tell it all. His mind is changing. He is declining mentally. I think there is a lot that I do not know that he has done.
This is a great idea but I'm not sure if I could handle listening to it after he is gone.
One famous example is Frances Bavier calling Andy Griffith 4 months before she died and apologizing for how she was behind the scenes on The Andy Griffith Show.
How does one cope with this information - perhaps decades later after the wounding has occurred - to the person the family member he's talking to or the parent (in this case, your mother).
How do I handle my anger and outragious - from over the decades ?
There may be a lot you do not know. The question may be:
Do you want to know what you do not know? what he might say to you 'now' ?
Possibly ... Be aware that his mind may make some things up or get confused with details. And, I question is hie wants to 'dump' on you to get / release his own guilt? Whether this is the case or not, you need to do what is best for you, not him.
From what I see, the focus now / or decision is:
How you want to handle these situations / discussions as they come up.
* Do you want to listen or do you want to leave the room or change the subject?
* Do you want to tell him how you feel even if this means getting anger out?
(or would this emotion / response be better expressed with / in a therapist's office?)
Depending on his cognitive abilities, he may not understand why you do not want to hear 'all these confessions.'
From my point of view, you do what is in your best interest for your emotional, mental and psychological health and well-being. You protect yourself as you need to for your own equanimity and peace of mind. You may be allowing yourself to open a can of worms you've processed through (in therapy or not) or revisit these situations / wounding.
Personally, I wouldn't be a 'dumping' ground or punching bag for him to 'feel better' NOW about himself. But or and ... this is just how I believe I would feel about it. I am outside looking in, as we all are. If my dad had some something on his death bed like "I'm sorry I wasn't a better father to you," it would have meant the world to me, but he was clueless and the damage was done ... allowing me to spend decades healing.
Gena / Touch Matters
Maybe consider having him write out everything that he wants to confess, if he is able to do so, especially as his mental health declines.
And if he believes in God, he might be aware that, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
Good luck!
I'm not religious so, not belonging to a church, I went to a nearby one to ask how I should go about arranging this.
The vicar was so kind and went to speak with my dad himself. I don't know what was said, but I know that it brought my dad peace.
Even if you or your dad don't belong to a church or follow a religion, you might find that a priest or chaplain would be kind enough to hear your father's confession. Perhaps - ask beforehand - your father could give permission for you to be told whatever you might need to know for your own peace of mind.
It occurs to me that your dad might want to unburden himself of sins you are already aware of (he may have forgotten that you already know certain things) and that not knowing and worrying in case there's worse to discover could actually be causing you greater grief than knowing would do.
But I agree with others that you don't have to be the recipient of your dad's information. You have to take care of yourself.
This confession had nothing to do with religious beliefs or his soul in his case. He was 100% unwavering atheist. I don’t know why he told me. The fact is, I already knew about the events from my mom. But I didn’t share that with him.
I can’t say I’m happy that I know about it. But I chalk it up at least partly to dementia.
xoxo
I know Catholics have a Last Rites other religions also have rites that they do to allow a person that is sorry to be absolved of whatever sins they feel they have committed.
It is also possible that some of the things that your dad may talk about are not true and are bits and pieces that he has heard, has witnessed through the years.
It is also NOT your place to listen to his "confessions" if it makes you uncomfortable. It may unburden his soul but it will place the burden on you.
Who eats the sin eaters sins?
Do you think he is genuinely sorry, or just afraid now at the end of his life that he won't get to heaven?
Telling you might cleanse his soul, but what will it do to yours?
If you are feeling sorry for him being afraid, just tell him you're sure he'll go to heaven. It's not like you'll get in trouble if you're wrong, or even if you're lying to give him some comfort. If you're not inclined to try to comfort him, then when he says he hopes he'll get into heaven shrug and say "me too, dad". Vague and innocuous enough.
Deathbed confessions are terribly overrated in my opinion. You can't treat people like dirt all your days and then "repent " on your deathbed and expect all to be forgotten.
As far as who gets into heaven, in my religious opinion, that's entirely up to God and his son, who paid the price of our sins with his life. I don't get a say, and frankly that's a relief as far as I'm concerned.
The other (from my father’s mother) actually provided an interesting tidbit of family history that at such a later date gave most of us a chuckle.
Do you have a spouse, or minister, who could hear this “confession” and only tell you a carefully censored version? You can’t unhear or unknow, and I think there is really no reason to have any sort of personal burden passed on to you this way, I mean of him spilling anything out directly to you.
I wish you the best with this, and hope you can find a way to preserve the only better memories for yourself.
Ultimately, your dad needs to find forgiveness somewhere else.
Adding : my dad tried to pull this crap with me ages ago before anyone even needed care and I told him go find a counselor.
I never knew she had someone she loved there. I wish she followed her heart and stayed. She might not have been so screwed up.
I really do think I would have preferred if the aide hadn't told me this after my mother died.
.
I always suspected my mother was not truly happy with her life and the choices she made. Now I know it to be true.
Faithful, it is hard to be the chosen recipient of these things too difficult in the end to bear alone. But it is also a privilege in some ways. I feel so lucky in having had the dad I did, and so lucky in his having only that one small thing to carry, and I will carry that one thing throughout my own life. Not much else I can say.
However you must keep in mind that your dads brain is now permanently broken so I would take what he says with a grain of salt.
If he does begin to share more, you’re allowed to set boundaries around how much you can take in. And you don’t have to carry this alone—leaning on supportive friends, a counselor, or this community can really help