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Most of you know my story. Lately my dad has been saying he hopes he is going to go to heaven when his time comes. He started this a few months ago. At first he said he knew he had done some things but he never mistreated anyone, but he did. He mistreated my mom and I. Now he has admitted that he did wrong things in is marriage. He did not give specifics but I believe he is going to tell it all. His mind is changing. He is declining mentally. I think there is a lot that I do not know that he has done.

When my husband was being tested for dementia, he told the neuropsychologist stories in my presence that he had never mentioned in his life. Physical beatings by his father and the priests he grew up with. I was shocked. I shared that experience with my therapist, and she explained that folks with dementia often “confabulate” stories. I was unfamiliar with that term. It is, “unintentional creation of false memories to fill in the gaps in a person’s memory, with the individual genuinely believing these fabricated memories are true”. I checked with his brother, and he said their father never beat them. Confabulation is not uncommon with Alzheimer’s which is what my husband was ultimately diagnosed with.
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Reply to Kartyjb
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My dad didn't belong to a church, but he asked me to find a vicar or priest to visit him, when he knew he had weeks to live.
I'm not religious so, not belonging to a church, I went to a nearby one to ask how I should go about arranging this.

The vicar was so kind and went to speak with my dad himself. I don't know what was said, but I know that it brought my dad peace.

Even if you or your dad don't belong to a church or follow a religion, you might find that a priest or chaplain would be kind enough to hear your father's confession. Perhaps - ask beforehand - your father could give permission for you to be told whatever you might need to know for your own peace of mind.
It occurs to me that your dad might want to unburden himself of sins you are already aware of (he may have forgotten that you already know certain things) and that not knowing and worrying in case there's worse to discover could actually be causing you greater grief than knowing would do.

But I agree with others that you don't have to be the recipient of your dad's information. You have to take care of yourself.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Sounds like he's wanting to get everything off his chest before he leaves this world for the next. For him that will be very therapeutic I'm sure, but perhaps not so much for you.
However you must keep in mind that your dads brain is now permanently broken so I would take what he says with a grain of salt.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Tell dad to save it. You're not a priest and cannot hear his confession. My mother chose to tell me something awful about my father, and it cut me to the bone, that she'd have the audacity to tell me. Not that he was an imperfect man. She told me a lot of things she had no business telling me, but never about her mistakes, only his. Once a Pandoras Box is open, it cannot be closed. So my suggestion is to refrain from listening to dad's confessions, they won't help YOU in any way. Ask him if he'd like you to call in a clergyman for him to speak to Instead.

I'm sorry you're going thru another difficult patch with dad.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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faithfulbeauty Sep 1, 2025
You are right.. It is Pandoras Box and I have gotten so much better with everything and I do not need to hear things that would drive me into deeper depression. I'm not sure why he wants me to know. My mom was an amazing woman and to know that he did even more to hurt her is heartbreaking.
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I appreciate everyone's reply. This is a tough situation. Part of me wants answers to things I have wondered about for years and then part of me feels that if I knew those answers, it would really, really, really hurt me. I do know that he had an affair but I think there is more. He is concerned about his soul. I can remember as a little girl how my mom and I spent so much time alone because he was never home. It makes me feel so sad for her to know that there is much more to this story. He even said recently that he guesses he is getting pay back( referring to his physical/medical issues) for the things he did.
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Goddatter Sep 3, 2025
Two of my grandparents “confessed” things they had been holding on to. One I wish had kept it to himself as it troubled my mother (his very loving daughter) deeply, and to no benefit.

The other (from my father’s mother) actually provided an interesting tidbit of family history that at such a later date gave most of us a chuckle.

Do you have a spouse, or minister, who could hear this “confession” and only tell you a carefully censored version? You can’t unhear or unknow, and I think there is really no reason to have any sort of personal burden passed on to you this way, I mean of him spilling anything out directly to you.

I wish you the best with this, and hope you can find a way to preserve the only better memories for yourself.
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Not sure what religion, if any, he believes in, but in the broad spectrum of Christian faith, if he confesses his sins to God and asks for forgiveness, he will be forgiven. Read him John 3:16. I hope it can give him comfort. Only God knows his heart and if he truly is sorry. Me personally, I would not want to know all the details, it's between him and God. If you have good memories of your dad, why ruin it by having him tell you all of his wrong-doings? Leave the past in the past!
xoxo
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Reply to DeannaS
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It may be fact based or it may not. Yesterday my mom told a friend she lost her husband in the war when his plane went down. This is not true but she was not lying. She believed it. I would hesitate to put too much stock in these confessions.
Good luck!
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Reply to WendyElaine
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My dad didn’t have dementia, but he certainly spoke about his regrets in life as he neared the end. He regretted how he’d not always been as kind as he wished during the the earlier years of his marriage, how he’d formerly had a mean temper at times, and not taking mom on trips to places she longed to see. It seemed getting some things off his chest gave him some peace. He was not a perfect father, but always a good one who had time for me throughout life, so none of his musings were hurtful. If your dad begins to speak of things too painful for you, there’s nothing wrong with refusing to hear it. Protecting yourself is always wise. Otherwise, his thoughts may just need to come out, and may or may not be accurate. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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faithfulbeauty Sep 1, 2025
He definitely has some dementia because he gets confused and forgetful more often but he is accurate about his wrong doings. I do fear that there are some things that I do not know that would really hurt me. He keeps talking about things he did concerning my mom. I know that he did have an affair but I think there is more.
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At the end of his life, early 90s, my father reminisced with me a lot. He wanted to tell me how he felt about approaching death (he was exhausted with life and living, much as he had enjoyed it and much as he knew he was lucky in his life). He also wanted to tell me about the worst thing he had ever done. I won't repeat it here. But it was such a sad, such a small thing, a simple mistake in choice that hurt another living being and that he remembered his entire life and carried with him. But it was the single thing he had done. I was lucky in that.

Faithful, it is hard to be the chosen recipient of these things too difficult in the end to bear alone. But it is also a privilege in some ways. I feel so lucky in having had the dad I did, and so lucky in his having only that one small thing to carry, and I will carry that one thing throughout my own life. Not much else I can say.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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faithfulbeauty Sep 5, 2025
Yes, it is hard! Especially when I think about the things my mom probably went through that I did not know about.
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Or maybe he wants to get right with God and is confessing.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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faithfulbeauty Sep 5, 2025
I think that is a large part of it. He wants to get right with God.
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