Has anyone bought a multigenerational home? If so, how is it working out?

My parents attempted this, when my grandma was getting older. My mom had the house built with one end for grandma and one end for my dad and her. It DID NOT WORK OUT.

My grandma quit doing anything, she expected to be waited on, was abusive to my mom, etc. There was an older frame house on the property and my grandma moved into it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

A year later I left my ex husband and got a lot of use out of the Mother-in-law quarters. I’m grateful my parents allowed me to get on my feet by living in grandma’s quarters.

My grandma lived in the frame house where she could smoke and eat ice cream for dinner until she had a stroke and went into assisted living.

You state that it did not work the first time you tried it, why would you think it will work in a different house? None of the other issues are addressed by changing houses.

How would this help any as your mother becomes increasingly needy?

In my experience, It doesn’t work. It hasn’t for me. Your house is no longer your house and in my case , I’m happier not at home.

I grew up in upstate New York where 2-family houses were in just about every older neighborhood. The elderly parents would live in the main level apartment, and one of the grown child and his/her family lived in the 2nd floor apartment.

These 2 family houses, the apartments were quite large, even through there was one small bathroom. There was a long set of stairs at the front door and at the back door for the second floor apartment. As parents aged, those steps up were no longer user friendly. Thus, there was privacy for the grown child and their family.

My sig other's family of relatives lived in these 2 family houses and it worked out quite well. This was back decades ago. Now a days, the grown children, if they still lived in the area, had moved out to the suburbs.

Your mom won't behave any differently in a multi-generational home than she did when she lived in your home. More space does not equal different behavior

I think this arrangement works if the parent(s) already have independent natures
and like to maintain their privacy and help out as much as they can. I've seen folks
that even when fairly disabled, knit hats and scarves and help prepare food and read
to grandkids. I've seen those who are still fairly mobile expect to be waited on night and
day and still intrude on their adult children's privacy.

Whatever style they had with you growing up expect more of the same. And then add
on care taking duties. And all bets are off if they have dementia. Even very compliant sweet grandparents with mild dementia can make a very big impact.

you wrote, "we" cant afford assisted living. isn't independent living expensive?
if ~she~ doesn't have the money, maybe you can have her apply for M-cal/Medicaid
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-pay-for-assisted-living-153842.htm
there's an article from this site.

shakingdustoff . :( about your brother and the possible loss of your parent's beautiful
dream. I find this stuff so aggravating and also so sad.

"Can't take it with you"-- doesn't seem to resonate with some folks.

Some people think they’ll have pockets in their shroud.

Thanks for all the advice. You guys are right. She would probably not be in her unit very much. No need moving a whole family to another house just so she could be mainly in the main part anyway.

Thanks for all the advice. Y'all are right. No need upsetting a whole family to move when she wouldn't be in her "apartment" anyway as she'd rather always be in the main house.