My mother is 83 and lost her husband a yr ago. She lives 1000 miles from us and has always refused to come visit when I have offered to pay. We went to Visit for her birthday and all of the sudden she blew up at us and told us that her husband never wanted my husband in the house. She told me her life was hell and that I don’t do anything for her. We bought her groceries, changed smoke alarm batteries, I cover her life alert and called her everyday and helped monitor her low blood sugars from afar. she has a fantasy of selling her home and moving in a 20 yr old RV even though I have tried to have her visit independent living. She refused. we packed up and left and flew back home. She called my husband an as-hole, ba-tardard and told me I married an as-hole. Those were her last words to me. I have cut off ties because I will never go back there again, that is how traumatizing it was . What does anyone else here think?
So time now to set some much needed boundaries whether that be only calling once a week to check on her, and when she starts complaining or calling you names you either hang up or tell her that you'll talk to her another time when she can be civil before you hang up, or if you're wanting to be done completely perhaps it best that you just call APS and report an elderly woman living by herself and let them take things from there.
But in all honesty it also sounds like your mom may have the start of some mental decline going on which leaves her quite vulnerable living all by herself. Perhaps APS can better determine that when they come out for an assessment.
If this behavior is new then it's probably related to her mental decline, but if this is how she's been all your life, then I wouldn't feel bad at all for stepping away.
And be grateful that you live 1000 miles away.
You now have to do what you feel you can live with in the long run and only you can decide what that looks like.
I wish you well.
You live 1000 miles away. She seems very uncooperative. And you don't mention if you are her PoA. Therefore, the reality is you have very little power to help someone who is delusional about their situation and resistant to change -- so call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. Even if you are her PoA, trying to manage her from 1000 miles away will be onerous.
I was like an outsider looking in. I didn't fit in with that dysfunction. It's just his second wife and her family living in the family home at present. I'm not welcomed there.
Enjoy life free of her! She has nothing to add to your life or offer you. Congratulations on taking the step you did, and I wish you luck ahead.
It may be easier to back away if you know someone else is ready to step in if/when a crisis occurs.
Thanks for all of your input. I appreciate all of it. Just to reply to some questions-
she has good neighbors that help her and she does not appreciate them. She would talk badly about them. I tried to help her understand they are good people looking out for her. She has my sister but she is not real engaged. That is it.
I am her POA but have mentioned she can change to my sister.
I pay for and get the bill from her life alert.
i have asked her to get help multiple times but she won’t. I have spoken to her Dr office and social workers but to my knowledge they have given her info for resources . I even called them in the airport on our way home to call her for a wellness check.
when her husband was alive he used to tell me how he used to be on pins and needles not knowing which side he would get. I could literally see how mean she was when he was no longer able to travel because if his chronic illness.
it was incredible to see how mean she was to him when he most needed her support and now he is gone he was the best husband. When he was on hospice she would not allow an aid to come in just to sit and spend time chatting with him. I even hired and paid a lady to come clean her house every couple of weeks for an while and they basically quit because she was too picky.
I cannot say she has dementia or an infection.
thanks again .
Despite that, she never cut ties. She didn't even do it when my grandmother, Alzheimer's and all, went after my mom over the phone not too long after I got back from my dad's funeral and going after her for not letting her go to the funeral, even though my mom gave her the news days before and she said she didn't want to go. Had it been me in my mom's place, I would've gone the disownment route.
I suggest praying every day and ask the Holy Spirit to fill you with the patience, wisdom and grace for her that you will need for that day.
It's not an easy path for sure. But this is only a season in your life. It's not going to last forever. How do you visualize feeling about her say 5 years after she's gone? Will you still have a hard heart or love and grace (forgiveness) for her?
Also, just hired in home caregiver from Home Instead 3 half days a week. Mom didn't want it, but now loves it. We call it "Them Instead". If they need something, call THEM IInstead.
You have every right to protect yourself, emotionally, and physically, from anyone who may cause you harm, including a parent.
I was never close with either of my parents. They were very self-absorbed and didn't really want to be bothered with raising a child. I was not subjected to abuse, however. I just never felt a close bond.
My mother died over 20 years ago. My 85 year old father lives in my neighborhood, for the first time in more than 50 years. I used to see or talk with him a couple times a year. Now, he's in my life all the time. It is important to him, and his wife, that I give him attention now. I have had to learn to limit my exposure to him (them), because they are just exhausting and draining for me. They are both so needy for attention, and need to be "on" all the time - the life of the party, and they want every day to be a party; loud, fun, alcohol-fueled, with party games, and then become critical and bossy after over-drinking.
I am more introverted. I really value quiet solitude. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is we all have our own boundaries and we need to defend them when anyone is trying to breach. For me, my parent's behavior is not so objectionable or abusive, so I just learn to say no to some things and protect my quiet space.
For you, with your mother's abusive and hurtful behavior, you are absolutely right to cut off ties and never go back. You do not owe her anything. It will only traumatize you further to see her again.
She has no right to criticize and insult your husband. I'm sure he hasn't done anything to deserve it. Did you do it to her husband? I doubt it.
I think you should never go back there again. Why tolerate the abuse? I would block her calls on my phone as well. She sounds like she is heading for the dementia highway, and you don't want to get stuck with that either.
You tried and got spit on. Time to give your POA to the sister and bail.
Send her a card for a couple of weeks and try calling her. If she’s mean again, tell her that you are not going to call her again until she can treat you like the good daughter that you are. Then give it a few days. Maybe even a week. In the meantime, just send her a nice card. She needs to come to the place where she realizes that you are the only person she can count on and you are the only way that she can get out of the home. Of course, none of this will work if her dementia or Alzheimer’s has progressed to the point that she does not know who you are. But even just taking care of her in the memory care home,even if she doesn’t know who you are, will help you to be able to live with yourself in the years to come.
Before my mother passed, her grandson came by the house and my youngest sister – his aunt – hugged him and told Jim that she loved him very much. We did not realize that my mother had cancer and her brain. She did not recognize my little sister, and when she hugged Jim, she thought that that was her deceased husband that my little sister was hugging. And to make it worse, she thought my little sister was a neighbor woman who had been after my dad years ago.
But my little sister, even though my mother said ugly things to her still loved her. She washed her feet and she washed her face and she hugged her and then she would drive back to her house 11 hours away and come back a week later.
The third week she came back she almost didn’t do it, but she did. And she was so glad she did because mama remembered that she was her baby daughter. And mama went to heaven that night. So my little sister had no regrets. She just kept saying to herself I am going to do the right thing by my mother. She was a good mother growing up and she’s just not in her right mind. I love her and I’m going to keep loving her. And I was so glad that mom recognized her before she died. I guess my point is, love even when it’s hard. Love, so that you have no regrets.
to interpret from afar-unless you could hire someone to check on her in her home if she allowed
She needed help and my father refused to see what was going on. We all pretended everything was okay in that house. The main reason I got married at age 22 was because I needed to leave and couldn't afford to get out otherwise.
I showed up to help take care of my mother and my father when they were in their 90s because I didn't want my sisters to bear the brunt of this alone just because they lived close by and also because I wanted t be able to look myself in the mirror and not feel guilt.
I was not bereft when she died and I don't miss her. I did the right thing for me.
The key or focus here should be on you.
You do / have done a lot and what you can.
You care.
You are not a punching bag
You must set limits / boundaries with your time and HOW you allow another to treat you. You've had enough - for way too long - putting up with this.
If she has dementia, then you do not argue although you take care of your own mental / physical / emotional needs first 'while' setting boundaries
AND
learning how to interact with a person inflicted with dementia.
Basically, if you've cut off ties, you won't be dealing with her any longer.
In any event, should you need some support down the road:
Giving "I MESSAGES" is best.
I feel (or I need) xxx and I am doing xxx.
Do you not need to explain your reason(ing) for your behavior.
You state your position and that is that.
If she starts screaming and or arguing, you say
"This is unacceptable, I am going to hang up now."
Then do that.
I applaud you for cutting off ties.
Doing this isn't necessarily easy - even with a mother exhibiting behaviors as your did / does. She is still your mother.
I am so - close to grateful - to read that you've cut off ties with her.
Get the support you need to stay strong.
Be clear on your boundaries and needs.
She may try to 'work on you again.' Do not allow her to do this.
I had a mean spirited client many years ago. When I set limits on ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR (hers), she changed. I put this in a written Agreement and had her sign it. While you don't need to do that, it is a tool that really helped me.
She stopped her unacceptable communications immediately. She didn't want to lose me and even with brain chemistry changes, she was ABLE to manage her behavior towards me.
Here's a hug, Gena / Touch Matters
It’s okay to protect your emotional health. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care — it just means you’re human and you need safety too.
Sometimes stepping back is an act of self-preservation, and that’s valid. You’re not a bad child or a bad caregiver. You’re doing what you need to survive something incredibly heavy. 💛