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My mother is 83 and lost her husband a yr ago. She lives 1000 miles from us and has always refused to come visit when I have offered to pay. We went to Visit for her birthday and all of the sudden she blew up at us and told us that her husband never wanted my husband in the house. She told me her life was hell and that I don’t do anything for her. We bought her groceries, changed smoke alarm batteries, I cover her life alert and called her everyday and helped monitor her low blood sugars from afar. she has a fantasy of selling her home and moving in a 20 yr old RV even though I have tried to have her visit independent living. She refused. we packed up and left and flew back home. She called my husband an as-hole, ba-tardard and told me I married an as-hole. Those were her last words to me. I have cut off ties because I will never go back there again, that is how traumatizing it was . What does anyone else here think?

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I personally, since reaching adulthood, do not tolerate abusive and rude people in my life. It's a choice I have made for my own life. And yes, I do have an estranged family member; our lives are happier without one another. And were not made happy by having one another in them. Works well for both of us. I don't consider blood and genes to be the ruling factors for who I consider "family".
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Definitely, its time to either cut ties or greatly limit contact. My sweet inlaws tried to move a much older sister into their home, to help her avoid a nursing home and all she did was yell at my FIL everyday to ,"Get out of my house." When our elders are ugly towards the very people who are giving their lives for their "aging in place," care it is unbelievable. I am so sorry. Protect your marriage. Protect your husband. Nobody should have to hear that!
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Reply to Caregiveronce
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As others have commented, if this hasn't been your Mom's "normal" personality in the past, then she may either have a UTI or is sliding into cogntive impairment. She could also be suffering from depression and anxiety, which are very common in the elderly.

You live 1000 miles away. She seems very uncooperative. And you don't mention if you are her PoA. Therefore, the reality is you have very little power to help someone who is delusional about their situation and resistant to change -- so call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. Even if you are her PoA, trying to manage her from 1000 miles away will be onerous.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You've already dumped her, so don't try to mend ties with her. Let her stay dumped. You did anything anyone could possibly do.

Enjoy life free of her! She has nothing to add to your life or offer you. Congratulations on taking the step you did, and I wish you luck ahead.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Wow. You are describing my Mom. There’s definitely a lot going on here: narcissism, depression, possible mental illness, possible dementia. My Mom did the exact same thing to me while I was living with her after she broke her shoulder at age 89. Only difference was she went on a rant about my husband who had died 3 years ago. As I was packing up to leave this horrible situation, my Dad came in and begged me to stay. He is the only reason I did just that. However, I have been working on myself and how I react for years because I found out you can’t change them. But the next time she went on her rant about my husband, I told her in no uncertain terms that he was dead and I never wanted to hear anything bad come from her lips about him ever again. And that was the last time she talked smack about him. Did I stay in her life? She’s damn lucky I did! Did I forgive her? Never. I will never forget those comments. You are one of the lucky ones brave enough to walk away. If it was me, I doubt I could ever go back. A tough decision only you can make. I wish you peace and luck.
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Reply to katht8
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First off, I'm so sorry this has happened. Secondly, I didn't see the word "dementia" in your post, so I'm assuming she does not have something neurological going on. In my (limited) experience, dealing with a nasty aunt (who also hasn't been diagnosed with dementia - but shows signs) - old age is just not treating them right, so they take it out on everyone around them. Just recently, my siblings placed my aunt in a personal care home. She went willingly (I use that term loosely), BUT she did not want to go and made that abundantly clear. I won't get into all the details, but she did need to go (colostomy bag mishaps constantly). She is so angry at all of us and I really don't see my relationship with her being the same. Even before all of this, she turned into a judgmental old biddy right before our eyes. I, too, questioned this forum about walking away (everyone on here is great). You will vacillate between walking and not walking 20 more times before you decide. Hugs and peace to you.
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Reply to julie4337
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Your mother may have dementia or a common loss of filters that come with old age. It can be depression or another medical condition. My first post here was about my dad saying things that were embarrassing and uncharacteristic of him. All the answers I received said it was dementia. Off to the neurologist we went for testing, no dementia at all, but what two doctors termed a “loss of filters” We got honest with dad about it and he worked to keep in in check, though there was some pouting about it. Knowing the reason helped us, it may help you too, but it won’t make it easier to deal with. If this is long term behavior for your mom, it won’t change, other than to worsen, and protecting yourself is never wrong. No one deserves verbal abuse. Consider if you want to know what’s causing this, or if any involvement is too much. If things deteriorate and you find you cannot be involved, call Adult Protective Services in her county and report the situation. She will eventually have an event that forces change. I wish you healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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It's not uncommon. I didn't have that problem personally, but know of many who have. Like the other poster said, genetics do not make "family," but rather how people treat you. Stronger boundaries are a good idea when people are dysfunctional.
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Reply to Nan333
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I can sympathize with your hurt. Your mom behaved terribly! But you have left out some crucial info: Who else does she have? Are there any other family members? What legal obligations do you have? Are you her medical or financial POA? Is anyone else? You mentioned that you "cover her life alert." Does that mean you pay for it or monitor it? Do you get bills or notifications from Life Alert or anyone else? Have you met with her doctor? Answers to these questions may help point you toward other helpers or agencies.
It may be easier to back away if you know someone else is ready to step in if/when a crisis occurs.
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Reply to Questor
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You can not change other people's behavior. You can only control your own.
You have every right to protect yourself, emotionally, and physically, from anyone who may cause you harm, including a parent.

I was never close with either of my parents. They were very self-absorbed and didn't really want to be bothered with raising a child. I was not subjected to abuse, however. I just never felt a close bond.
My mother died over 20 years ago. My 85 year old father lives in my neighborhood, for the first time in more than 50 years. I used to see or talk with him a couple times a year. Now, he's in my life all the time. It is important to him, and his wife, that I give him attention now. I have had to learn to limit my exposure to him (them), because they are just exhausting and draining for me. They are both so needy for attention, and need to be "on" all the time - the life of the party, and they want every day to be a party; loud, fun, alcohol-fueled, with party games, and then become critical and bossy after over-drinking.
I am more introverted. I really value quiet solitude. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is we all have our own boundaries and we need to defend them when anyone is trying to breach. For me, my parent's behavior is not so objectionable or abusive, so I just learn to say no to some things and protect my quiet space.
For you, with your mother's abusive and hurtful behavior, you are absolutely right to cut off ties and never go back. You do not owe her anything. It will only traumatize you further to see her again.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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