My mother is 83 and lost her husband a yr ago. She lives 1000 miles from us and has always refused to come visit when I have offered to pay. We went to Visit for her birthday and all of the sudden she blew up at us and told us that her husband never wanted my husband in the house. She told me her life was hell and that I don’t do anything for her. We bought her groceries, changed smoke alarm batteries, I cover her life alert and called her everyday and helped monitor her low blood sugars from afar. she has a fantasy of selling her home and moving in a 20 yr old RV even though I have tried to have her visit independent living. She refused. we packed up and left and flew back home. She called my husband an as-hole, ba-tardard and told me I married an as-hole. Those were her last words to me. I have cut off ties because I will never go back there again, that is how traumatizing it was . What does anyone else here think?
You live 1000 miles away. She seems very uncooperative. And you don't mention if you are her PoA. Therefore, the reality is you have very little power to help someone who is delusional about their situation and resistant to change -- so call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. Even if you are her PoA, trying to manage her from 1000 miles away will be onerous.
Enjoy life free of her! She has nothing to add to your life or offer you. Congratulations on taking the step you did, and I wish you luck ahead.
It may be easier to back away if you know someone else is ready to step in if/when a crisis occurs.
You have every right to protect yourself, emotionally, and physically, from anyone who may cause you harm, including a parent.
I was never close with either of my parents. They were very self-absorbed and didn't really want to be bothered with raising a child. I was not subjected to abuse, however. I just never felt a close bond.
My mother died over 20 years ago. My 85 year old father lives in my neighborhood, for the first time in more than 50 years. I used to see or talk with him a couple times a year. Now, he's in my life all the time. It is important to him, and his wife, that I give him attention now. I have had to learn to limit my exposure to him (them), because they are just exhausting and draining for me. They are both so needy for attention, and need to be "on" all the time - the life of the party, and they want every day to be a party; loud, fun, alcohol-fueled, with party games, and then become critical and bossy after over-drinking.
I am more introverted. I really value quiet solitude. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is we all have our own boundaries and we need to defend them when anyone is trying to breach. For me, my parent's behavior is not so objectionable or abusive, so I just learn to say no to some things and protect my quiet space.
For you, with your mother's abusive and hurtful behavior, you are absolutely right to cut off ties and never go back. You do not owe her anything. It will only traumatize you further to see her again.
See All Answers