Has any caregiver ever felt an overwhelming sense of pain, grief and guilt for calling 911?
I had been a Caregiver for my beautiful mama for over 13 years. She was not only my best friend, but she was my entire world. This week has been even more difficult and sad. This will be the first Thanksgiving without her, and it was also the day of the week less than a month ago that she passed away. I miss her beyond any words could describe. I have been going over and over that Thursday afternoon when I called 911. I keep thinking that I may have overreacted, and the symptoms were more consistent with Alzheimer's and not of a stroke. She had never been officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but I had noticed some different behaviors since we moved into a different residence about over a year ago. I just kept thinking it was ma getting acclimated and adjusted to a new environment. I just keep thinking about those 10 awful days in the hospital was too much for her immune system. The constant interpretations at all hrs of the night, no eating for three days until they confirmed it was not an acute stroke, being bedridden, routines erased, unfamiliar environment, strange men changing that Drywick for urination which I believe she contracted sepsis from a UTI. I feel if I would have just not panicked that afternoon she would have reset and she would still be here with me enjoying her cup if coffee with her fav Hazelnut creamer watching one or fav classic films. I am so devastated and broken inside. This is something I will live with forever. I'm not trying to have anyone make me feel better by saying you did what you thought was the best action in that moment, but it will never make me feel any better or bring her back. I will never be okay feeling this in the core of my soul.I was just wondering if I'm alone that feels this way. Thank you fourm for this safe space to cry out and grieve and not feel alone.
My deepest condolences for the loss of your beloved mama. And no, you are absolutely NOT alone in questioning yourself in this early stage of your grief. You can allow yourself to feel all of it.
I believe that those of us who caregive out of Love over obligation are pretty much ALWAYS questioning ourselves about decisions we have to make on behalf of those we care for. It is SO hard to understand and accept that in this life, our endless battle to advocate and “control” and oversee the wellbeing of our loved ones isn’t entirely within our control at all.
You’ve undertaken this responsibility for 13 years. So it is completely understandable that you’re feeling such deep loss and asking so many questions now.
You just have to go through it. I am so so sorry. And please know… your beautiful mama is so eternally grateful for your presence and love. You have never let her down.
Please Sky, light a candle, say whatever prayers, read poems, take yourself for a walk, sit in nature, do whatever brings you spiritual peace and guidance. Let your tears come at will.
Sending you love,
JB
You did the right thing. That there is some hospital delirium now isn't unusual.
Your feelings that your mother is your entire world IS unusual, even for a caregiver enmeshed by 24/7 care. That is self-harming and guilt isn't really appropriate. You did nothing to cause this aging and failure. Guilt requires causation. You are rather feeling overwhelmed and full of GRIEF, the other g-word. I think that you are not in a good place now and that your mom may need more help than is humanly possible for one person to give constantly. It is dangerous for her and for you to continue. I hope you will speak with Social Workers, and will get some access to some counseling help for yourself, and some help to ensure that your mother doesn't remain your entire life.
I am so very sorry for all the pain you are both going through at this time.
Please stop second-guessing yourself. You made the best decision you could when presented with the symptoms. I went through similar self-doubt and second-guessing when I had to make medical decisions for my 105-yr old Aunt who was having increasing CHF symptoms then had a stroke right in front of my eyes. Why didn't I get her back to the doctor sooner? Why this, why that? Don't do that to yourself.
Grieve her loss in a healthy way and be comforted by her sweet memories. Many people have never had such a good relationship with their Mothers. Celebrate this blessing. May you receive peace in your heart.
Im sorry your mom died.
That's the other side of the story.
She found him dead on the floor when she came back from shopping.
Best out to you.