I'm very sorry you are going through this, grief is a sad and complex thing. I had a very hard time with my dad's end of life, so I feel your pain. There is no easy fast fix. Be glad that you are there with her and hospice will keep her comfortable. Hold her hand. Tell her you will see her on the other side and that you love her.
When she passes be gentle with yourself and know that you will need time to heal. It may feel crushing but it will get better, I promise.
When my father was dying it was very difficult for me. We know they are near the end. I believe they know they are near the end. Your mom knows that you love her. She will live in your heart forever but it’s still hard to say goodbye.
I don’t think you can avoid pain in losing someone. I feel we start the grieving process before their death. We have already begun to lose the person that was once healthy and active. We grieve when they are gone. Mourning the death of someone we love is part of life and completely normal.
I'm so sorry, our moms are special and it is hard to let them go no matter how great their age. My only advice is to do and say what feels right to you and don't allow other people to pressure you into anything different.
Im so sorry you are going through this very difficult time. Please take advantage of the grief counseling that hospice offers. Losing a parent is so hard, especially when we have been very close. Remember that they are moving on to a better place and their worn out body will be at peace. Healing blessings coming your way.
I remember when my mom was ill. It was very sad. I tried to spend quality time with her before she passed. As for coping, a support group and counseling helps. So sorry. I hope you find comfort.
My faith sustains me through the difficult loses. My LO is no longer in pain or struggling to breathe, or stand and take a few steps; no more indignities. Death really is the final healing removing all those painful realities. Yes, a life here is over but now a new life has started in our memories and in heaven. We can remember the good years without the pain of their decline so fresh in our thoughts. I know they have moved on to rejoin their parents, siblings, and in some cases children and grandchildren in as perfect a place as will ever be experienced.
Grief in a lot of ways is selfish. It's about _our_ loss more than someone else's freedom. When a young person dies, the grief is so horrible and sustained because of all the "milestones" not achieved; all the missing years in that young life and all the years we will miss them. When a senior passes on, they at least had the chance to live a good life; to make the choices and fulfill the responsibilities. I do not want them back in the pain and fragility of old age just to comfort me. I miss them but I also look forward to the day I will join them again.
I cared for my mother at home when she died of cancer. I felt that we both went down that difficult road together, both caring for each other. When the end came, it was the way that both of us wanted it to be, and a real achievement. I’m still proud for both of us, and that helps to cope with the grief. Can you feel like this too?
This is a hard road. Don't do it alone. Gather loving, supportive people around you to help you through this - friends, family, friends from church... I pray a bunch, lean on my Christian friends. reading the Bible is comforting, and spend time with my LO who is leaving me. You can also check out some grief groups like GriefShare since you are already grieving.
(((((Ree))))). Losing a loved one is so very painful. One thought that helped me a lot after losing my youngest son was that the relationship does not end after death, but changes. We don't have their physical presence any more, and that can be a blessing if they are old and in pain, or young and seriously injured, but we still have our memories and a relationship with our LO. It doesn't end or go away once they pass, but it changes. Of course we miss the hugs and the chats and their physical presence, but they are not so far away and we will see them again. Not that life is easy without them. it isn't, but we gradually adjust.
I wrote this after my son died.
"No more sorrow, no more pain. Safe in heaven till I see you again"
Do find a grief group when you are ready for it. They can really help. ((((((hugs))))
My wonderful mom, my best friend, died at 95, after 5 1/2 beautiful years in a local SNF, where I was able to visit her every single day.
My memories of her last days in hospice care were almost blissfully sweet. She became nearly baby like, beautifully dressed in her favorite flannel nighties, her skin warm and smoothed with lotion.
On her last day with me I sat next to her bed in the amazingly quiet late afternoon, holding her hand, and all at once I felt a presence at the door. Without turning away from her, I realized that my dad was standing in the doorway, waiting for the last breath, so he could take her with him to Heaven, as he had accompanied her in Life.
I left her that night knowing she’d be gone before I returned, and got the expected phone call not too much later.
When my father died, I felt heartbroken, but I never “lost” my mother. She simply went “home”, to Dad.
Ann-- Your comments are beautiful and speak to the belief that many of us hold that this life is just temporary--and we know our loved ones who have passed on already are anxious to have their loved ones with them.
I, too, felt my daddy's mother's presence the day he died. It was sweet and very spiritual to experience.
Believing that death is simply stepping through one door into another world where pain and sorrow no longer exist--well it makes death have a much softer 'sting'.
We are in the slow process of losing both my MIL and my mother. My MIL is fighting mad, which makes it hard on my DH, my mom is just rolling along each day with as much dignity as she can manage. There's not going to be a lot of grieving when either of these ladies go. All their family is gone, most of their friends. I find the 'pre-grieving' is much harder than the final act.
Grateful for a faith that helps be OK with losing loved ones.
when she dies it's a lot worse. I lost my mom 3 months ago and lost 40 pounds from the trauma of losing her. Horrible thing to go through and there is no way to prepare for it. Get a preplanned funeral -- that does help a lot. The funeral homes will gouge you if you don't do that.
Cope? You just do. What else is there? Go on the roof and crack up? take each day as it comes
I am one of those people who need to do something in a crisis, even if it is walking around with a clipboard in my hand. LOL.
What I wish I had done when my daddy was dying was talk to him about his life. I didn't and then it became too late. I believed what my mother told me about him and I have sense found out that most of it was not true.
My heart goes out to you. My daddy was both my father and mother. Mom used to tell me she only took care of me when I was a baby until Daddy got home. (((HUGS)))
Ree111....I'm so sorry you are having to watch your Mother go down like she is. I know it hurts and it's very hard to see the one you love so much not getting any better because I had to watch my dear Mother deteriorate too.It's because you love her so much that it hurts so bad.I know she must love you so much too. What a wonderful daughter you are to be by her side when she needs you the most. God bless you and be with you in the days ahead. Take good care, {{{HUGS}}},Lu
Ree11, it is never easy to accept the loss or impending death of our parents or any lived one for that matter. I found my best comfort was to sit and reminisce with my dad, listen to his storytelling, and just do the best I could to remember that the memories I shared during his final stages will be even more embedded in my memory making them more precious. Enjoy the time you have left, and try to forget at least for now what the next stage is. Just live moment to moment. Planning her funeral ahead of time with funeral home, lining up if she will have a church service, I even wrote my Dad's obituary and what I was going to say at his funeral. It was much better to have it prepared as once I heard he had passed, I was not functioning well at all. Best of luck during this very difficult time. Be good to yourself and make sure you have some you time in your days.
Thank you very much. I have prepared as much as possible with funeral plans, etc. & I’m trying to live in the moment with her. One day at a time is all we have.
You cope by... Knowing you have done the best that you can to care for her. Knowing that you have been lucky to have her for as long as you have. By thanking her for raising a strong independent individual that she can be proud of. By taking what you have learned from her and passing it on to others.
You grieve now as she declines and you will grieve when she dies because you will miss her. But realize that to not want her to die is selfish as I am sure she would not want to live a life in pain, not being able to do the things she loved to do. I said for a long time watching my Husband decline that I always hoped I would make the right decisions...I was ruled by 2 major organs, my Heart and my Brain. I knew my heart would want me to make one decision my brain possibly to make another. It is the struggle between the 2 that can be a problem. Let your Brain take over once in a while.
You have done your best, rest easy with that thought. (((hugs)))
How are you doing? Allow yourself time to grieve. Now and afterwards. It’s healthy and normal to mourn.
You seem so sensible and loving that I don’t think you would intentionally block out your feelings. I just want to reiterate how perfectly normal it is to be sad at this time. The pain will ease up later on. Your mom will live in your heart forever.
I had a therapist tell me that it is really bad not to grieve and that grief is more complicated than we think it is. She explained that grief comes in waves. Some are gentle and some knock us off our feet. There is no way to prepare for it. Some waves knock us down when we least expect it.
My therapist also said that people who don’t allow themselves to grieve will suffer with emotional damage from denying their feelings and it will catch up to them later. Something will trigger the emotions and sooner or later they have to deal with their loss of someone they loved so dearly.
I felt exactly as you are feeling when my daddy was dying. I adored my father. I was so sad and mourned the loss of my dad. He absolutely lives in my heart and always will.
Your words are so soft and soothing. I’m having a hard day as mom looks so bad today and so distressed but there’s nothing I can do. I tried holding her hand but that’s not what she wanted and pushed away. So I sat quietly with her. This is slow grief and very painful. I just want relief for her.
Ree111 I too am watching my 95 mom decline at a steady rate. Dementia is a beast. She has fallen twice in the past 2 weeks. I have grieved for months and look forward to the day she goes to stay with Dad in heaven. I lost a 20 year old daughter which was the worst experience in life for me. This time I am ready for mom to move on. She deserves it. No one deserves the pain and confusion that can come from old age and dementia. Hang in there as we will take this ride together. Stay strong.
I’m trying! I can’t imagine the pain you had losing a child. I’m so sorry. I hope your mother’s journey distress her or you too much longer. She deserves the best right to the end. Yes we are in this together. Hang in there.
(((((((Ree)))))) My deepest condolences on your loss. It was a blessing you were there and she went peacefully. Your job is largely over now. Take care of yourself in the difficult weeks and months to come. Prayers for peace.
Thanks for that. I won’t take it personally. I can’t even imagine how distressed she was feeling. I’m glad she’s at peace even though the pain of missing her is overwhelming.
When our parents age it is hard to see them going from a vital human being to someone so frail. Remember you did everything that you could do and that you showed her love and she knows you love her. Their emotions are just as confusing to them as they are to you, don't take it personally, as she may not know she is refusing your touch. Even if she does, maybe it causes her pain, we don't know just accept it isn't you. She loves you and you love her.
I just went through this in December, and it is hard. I feel guilty because I was having to attend to other things and didn't get to just spend time with her before she deteriorated to the point where it was hard to just communicate. I know that my mom was tired of all the tests, diaper changes and just going downhill, and wanted to see her family also, but it doesn't make it any easier for the ones left behind. I'm still looking after my dad, but am trying to just take it easy and get some rest. Hope you can, too.
When she passes be gentle with yourself and know that you will need time to heal. It may feel crushing but it will get better, I promise.
Huge hug to you.
I don’t think you can avoid pain in losing someone. I feel we start the grieving process before their death. We have already begun to lose the person that was once healthy and active. We grieve when they are gone. Mourning the death of someone we love is part of life and completely normal.
Sending hugs your way.
(( Big hug))
Grief in a lot of ways is selfish. It's about _our_ loss more than someone else's freedom. When a young person dies, the grief is so horrible and sustained because of all the "milestones" not achieved; all the missing years in that young life and all the years we will miss them. When a senior passes on, they at least had the chance to live a good life; to make the choices and fulfill the responsibilities. I do not want them back in the pain and fragility of old age just to comfort me. I miss them but I also look forward to the day I will join them again.
Thanks for sharing,
I wrote this after my son died.
"No more sorrow, no more pain.
Safe in heaven till I see you again"
Do find a grief group when you are ready for it. They can really help. ((((((hugs))))
My memories of her last days in hospice care were almost blissfully sweet. She became nearly baby like, beautifully dressed in her favorite flannel nighties, her skin warm and smoothed with lotion.
On her last day with me I sat next to her bed in the amazingly quiet late afternoon, holding her hand, and all at once I felt a presence at the door. Without turning away from her, I realized that my dad was standing in the doorway, waiting for the last breath, so he could take her with him to Heaven, as he had accompanied her in Life.
I left her that night knowing she’d be gone before I returned, and got the expected phone call not too much later.
When my father died, I felt heartbroken, but I never “lost” my mother. She simply went “home”, to Dad.
Your comments are beautiful and speak to the belief that many of us hold that this life is just temporary--and we know our loved ones who have passed on already are anxious to have their loved ones with them.
I, too, felt my daddy's mother's presence the day he died. It was sweet and very spiritual to experience.
Believing that death is simply stepping through one door into another world where pain and sorrow no longer exist--well it makes death have a much softer 'sting'.
We are in the slow process of losing both my MIL and my mother. My MIL is fighting mad, which makes it hard on my DH, my mom is just rolling along each day with as much dignity as she can manage. There's not going to be a lot of grieving when either of these ladies go. All their family is gone, most of their friends. I find the 'pre-grieving' is much harder than the final act.
Grateful for a faith that helps be OK with losing loved ones.
Cope? You just do. What else is there? Go on the roof and crack up? take each day as it comes
What I wish I had done when my daddy was dying was talk to him about his life. I didn't and then it became too late. I believed what my mother told me about him and I have sense found out that most of it was not true.
My heart goes out to you. My daddy was both my father and mother. Mom used to tell me she only took care of me when I was a baby until Daddy got home. (((HUGS)))
I know it hurts and it's very hard to see the one you love so much not getting any better because I had to watch my dear Mother deteriorate too.It's because you love her so much that it hurts so bad.I know she must love you so much too.
What a wonderful daughter you are to be by her side when she needs you the most.
God bless you and be with you in the days ahead.
Take good care,
{{{HUGS}}},Lu
sorry about your loss too. She must have been so proud of you.
Best of luck during this very difficult time.
Be good to yourself and make sure you have some you time in your days.
Knowing you have done the best that you can to care for her.
Knowing that you have been lucky to have her for as long as you have.
By thanking her for raising a strong independent individual that she can be proud of.
By taking what you have learned from her and passing it on to others.
You grieve now as she declines and you will grieve when she dies because you will miss her. But realize that to not want her to die is selfish as I am sure she would not want to live a life in pain, not being able to do the things she loved to do.
I said for a long time watching my Husband decline that I always hoped I would make the right decisions...I was ruled by 2 major organs, my Heart and my Brain. I knew my heart would want me to make one decision my brain possibly to make another. It is the struggle between the 2 that can be a problem. Let your Brain take over once in a while.
You have done your best, rest easy with that thought.
(((hugs)))
your kind words brought tears to my eyes.
How are you doing? Allow yourself time to grieve. Now and afterwards. It’s healthy and normal to mourn.
You seem so sensible and loving that I don’t think you would intentionally block out your feelings. I just want to reiterate how perfectly normal it is to be sad at this time. The pain will ease up later on. Your mom will live in your heart forever.
I had a therapist tell me that it is really bad not to grieve and that grief is more complicated than we think it is. She explained that grief comes in waves. Some are gentle and some knock us off our feet. There is no way to prepare for it. Some waves knock us down when we least expect it.
My therapist also said that people who don’t allow themselves to grieve will suffer with emotional damage from denying their feelings and it will catch up to them later. Something will trigger the emotions and sooner or later they have to deal with their loss of someone they loved so dearly.
I felt exactly as you are feeling when my daddy was dying. I adored my father. I was so sad and mourned the loss of my dad. He absolutely lives in my heart and always will.
A billion hugs for you! 💗
This is slow grief and very painful. I just want relief for her.
May God grant you grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.
I am happy to hear that your prayers were answered.
Hugs!
Take good care.
You were a lovely daughter. I am so very sorry for your loss. Hugs!
Know too, like ur Mom mine did not want to be touched in her final days. Please don't take it personally.