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How do I cope?

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When my father was dying it was very difficult for me. We know they are near the end. I believe they know they are near the end. Your mom knows that you love her. She will live in your heart forever but it’s still hard to say goodbye.

I don’t think you can avoid pain in losing someone. I feel we start the grieving process before their death. We have already begun to lose the person that was once healthy and active. We grieve when they are gone. Mourning the death of someone we love is part of life and completely normal.

Sending hugs your way.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Ree111 Jan 19, 2020
Thank you. Yes I’m grieving the loss of what she once was and I cherish those memories.
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I'm very sorry you are going through this, grief is a sad and complex thing. I had a very hard time with my dad's end of life, so I feel your pain. There is no easy fast fix. Be glad that you are there with her and hospice will keep her comfortable. Hold her hand. Tell her you will see her on the other side and that you love her.

When she passes be gentle with yourself and know that you will need time to heal. It may feel crushing but it will get better, I promise.

Huge hug to you.
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Ree111 Jan 18, 2020
Thank you for your kind & encouraging words. Yes it will be a crushing blow. She’s been my rock all my life.
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You cope by...
Knowing you have done the best that you can to care for her.
Knowing that you have been lucky to have her for as long as you have.
By thanking her for raising a strong independent individual that she can be proud of.
By taking what you have learned from her and passing it on to others.

You grieve now as she declines and you will grieve when she dies because you will miss her. But realize that to not want her to die is selfish as I am sure she would not want to live a life in pain, not being able to do the things she loved to do.
I said for a long time watching my Husband decline that I always hoped I would make the right decisions...I was ruled by 2 major organs, my Heart and my Brain. I knew my heart would want me to make one decision my brain possibly to make another. It is the struggle between the 2 that can be a problem. Let your Brain take over once in a while.

You have done your best, rest easy with that thought.
(((hugs)))
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Ree111 Jan 22, 2020
Thank you. My heart is aching and my mind wants the best for her.
your kind words brought tears to my eyes.
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I'm so sorry, our moms are special and it is hard to let them go no matter how great their age. My only advice is to do and say what feels right to you and don't allow other people to pressure you into anything different.
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Ree111 Jan 19, 2020
Yes I will . Thanks for your advice.
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My faith sustains me through the difficult loses. My LO is no longer in pain or struggling to breathe, or stand and take a few steps; no more indignities. Death really is the final healing removing all those painful realities. Yes, a life here is over but now a new life has started in our memories and in heaven. We can remember the good years without the pain of their decline so fresh in our thoughts. I know they have moved on to rejoin their parents, siblings, and in some cases children and grandchildren in as perfect a place as will ever be experienced.

Grief in a lot of ways is selfish. It's about _our_ loss more than someone else's freedom. When a young person dies, the grief is so horrible and sustained because of all the "milestones" not achieved; all the missing years in that young life and all the years we will miss them. When a senior passes on, they at least had the chance to live a good life; to make the choices and fulfill the responsibilities. I do not want them back in the pain and fragility of old age just to comfort me. I miss them but I also look forward to the day I will join them again.
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Ree111 Jan 20, 2020
Thank you.
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Im so sorry you are going through this very difficult time. Please take advantage of the grief counseling that hospice offers. Losing a parent is so hard, especially when we have been very close. Remember that they are moving on to a better place and their worn out body will be at peace. Healing blessings coming your way.
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Ree111 Jan 19, 2020
Thank you.
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(((((Ree))))). Losing a loved one is so very painful. One thought that helped me a lot after losing my youngest son was that the relationship does not end after death, but changes. We don't have their physical presence any more, and that can be a blessing if they are old and in pain, or young and seriously injured, but we still have our memories and a relationship with our LO. It doesn't end or go away once they pass, but it changes. Of course we miss the hugs and the chats and their physical presence, but they are not so far away and we will see them again. Not that life is easy without them. it isn't, but we gradually adjust.

I wrote this after my son died.

"No more sorrow, no more pain.
Safe in heaven till I see you again"

Do find a grief group when you are ready for it. They can really help. ((((((hugs))))
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Ree111 Jan 22, 2020
Thank you and I’m so sorry for your loss. Your taking the time to post such a personal note really means a lot.
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My wonderful mom, my best friend, died at 95, after 5 1/2 beautiful years in a local SNF, where I was able to visit her every single day.

My memories of her last days in hospice care were almost blissfully sweet. She became nearly baby like, beautifully dressed in her favorite flannel nighties, her skin warm and smoothed with lotion.

On her last day with me I sat next to her bed in the amazingly quiet late afternoon, holding her hand, and all at once I felt a presence at the door. Without turning away from her, I realized that my dad was standing in the doorway, waiting for the last breath, so he could take her with him to Heaven, as he had accompanied her in Life.

I left her that night knowing she’d be gone before I returned, and got the expected phone call not too much later.

When my father died, I felt heartbroken, but I never “lost” my mother. She simply went “home”, to Dad.
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Midkid58 Jan 22, 2020
Ann--
Your comments are beautiful and speak to the belief that many of us hold that this life is just temporary--and we know our loved ones who have passed on already are anxious to have their loved ones with them.

I, too, felt my daddy's mother's presence the day he died. It was sweet and very spiritual to experience.

Believing that death is simply stepping through one door into another world where pain and sorrow no longer exist--well it makes death have a much softer 'sting'.

We are in the slow process of losing both my MIL and my mother. My MIL is fighting mad, which makes it hard on my DH, my mom is just rolling along each day with as much dignity as she can manage. There's not going to be a lot of grieving when either of these ladies go. All their family is gone, most of their friends. I find the 'pre-grieving' is much harder than the final act.

Grateful for a faith that helps be OK with losing loved ones.
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I remember when my mom was ill. It was very sad. I tried to spend quality time with her before she passed. As for coping, a support group and counseling helps. So sorry. I hope you find comfort.

(( Big hug))
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Ree111 Jan 20, 2020
Thanks for the hugs & your kind words.
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Ree111....I'm so sorry you are having to watch your Mother go down like she is.
I know it hurts and it's very hard to see the one you love so much not getting any better because I had to watch my dear Mother deteriorate too.It's because you love her so much that it hurts so bad.I know she must love you so much too.
What a wonderful daughter you are to be by her side when she needs you the most.
God bless you and be with you in the days ahead.
Take good care,
{{{HUGS}}},Lu
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Ree111 Jan 22, 2020
Thank you.
sorry about your loss too. She must have been so proud of you.
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