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My mother's dementia began 5 yrs ago but was only dx this year, bc she refused to see a doctor. She's still in denial. We were always close but she suddenly turned on me. She accused me of all the things she was doing, said I was a liar. I lost my only sibling, my brother to suicide 2 years ago. I live 550 miles away from her. She's in assisted living. Since my brother's death, she's left with no family to take care of her, so my sister inlaw went behind my back and made arrangements to put my mother in assisted living, then got her to sign a POA naming my sister inlaw to make all decisions for her, even financial. My mother hat repeatedly said she will never give my sister inlaw that kind of control, however she has. Look I've called and asked mother what she had for lunch or dinner within 30min to an hour after and she doesn't remember. She gets extremely confused and couldn't remember her address and phone # last year!
I and my daughter surprised mother before Mother's Day to bring her home with us for a visit. After we arrived, my sister inlaw showed up angry that we were there because she was taking my mother to an attorney to get her to sign a POA! Mother had no idea where she was going and had no knowledge of what she was going to sign. I explained what the POA meant and she was very upset. She kept saying she wanted me to take care of those important matters because I was her daughter. She adamantly expressed this to my sister inlaw.
We we got to my home, my daughters and I were very concerned that my sister inlaw was trying to take advantage of mother. I called an attorney and told him what had happened and he met with me and said I needed to file for guardianship to protect mother. You must notify any next of kin, she had a bro and niece, both who lived in the same state, both in bad health and neither able or willing to take care of mother. I had been trying for 2 years to persuade mother to come live with me or just look at facilities near me, which are much nicer, have more people and entertainment for her plus memory care. She refused to leave her hometown. I did file for guardianship while she was at my home, not knowing if I needed to keep her with me because I had seen that her condition had deteriorated. I did everything legally, she would have her chance to talk to a judge and he would determine her competency. Whether she remained with me or not, no one would have been able to take advantage of her. When her bro and niece were notified by court of my filing fir guardianship, they called her, upset her, but they weren't willing to help me. She insisted on going home immediately and we would need to make arrangements. She called several people, I know she talked to my sister inlaw in addition to her bro and niece. Someone was so mean and vindictive that they told my mother I had abducted her and was not going to let her go home! Before I could get into court she had my sister inlaw, if all people coming to get her. Legally I couldn't stop her and anyway, I didn't want her upset any more. The next thing I know, my sister inlaw is arranging an estate sale of everything left in my mother's home, all had been left to me, and my daughter's and I were to move this fall. I was never called or consulted about anything. I learned that my mother had signed a contract, I explained that she shouldn't be signing anything, then I was told it didn't matter bc my sister inlaw was handling everything and she had POA! I knew if other things that my sister inlaw had done, one was keeping my mothers house bc we put it in my brother's name to remove my mother's name from the deed, never suspecting my bro would commit suicide and die. My sister inlaw was aware that my bro and I agreed to sell the house to use the money to take care of mother and anything left we would split. After my bro died, my sister inlaw brought my mother the property taxes and insurance bill and told her that the bills were HERS and they were for HER HOUSE. So my mother has paid those bills all the time thinking that her house still belonged to her. I have cried and pleaded with mother trying to make her understand that it isn't her house. Mother keeps insisting that my sister inlaw has been good to her. I have even reported this to Elder Abuse in the state, they investigated and informed me that my mother said she knew everything she had signed and it was all her decisions. My mother refuses to admit there is anything wrong with her. Anyone but me can talk her into anything, she's very gullible now. I spent all my $ trying to get the guardianship and now I have no funds to hire an attorney. Anytime I try to discuss this with mother, im yelled at and called a liar. She's even called just to be mean to me, then hangs up on me. I have already had an emotional breakdown and have been hospitalized twice because I can't handle it anymore. Yet I miss her and am unable now to even talk to her bc of the abuse. She isn't aware of what she did.

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Who did the judge appoint as a Guardian? That is the person who arranges her move to Assisted Living, with a court order in hand. That is someone who is supervised by the court in all matters.
You take care of yourself first, get well. Let the court handle the rest.
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Because your mother has an illness that makes her incompetent, do not allow yourself to get sucked into her illness. You already said you cannot handle the stress of dealing with her issues, so it is time to let go. Missing her is one thing, wrecking your health is not good for you. You make the choice. She has a terminal illness and she will eventually die leaving you with no one to talk to, so you had better start preparing yourself now. I am sorry your brother killed himself and he had no one to tell he was so depressed.
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I have a different viewpoint - you attempted to "surprise" your mom by an unplanned visit to take her away 550 miles from where she was living & then you are surprised her brother and your niece did not support you. It sounds like assisted living is where she should be - and it is expensive - someone is paying. Perhaps the SIL with proceeds from the house? If her dementia started 5 years ago, then your B & SIL have been dealing with this closely for a long time. Heal yourself, repair your relationship with your mom, sister in law, and uncle.
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Anytime someone gets bossy, abusive, and argumentative, sometimes you just have to drop everything and leave. I've had to do this multiple times because I just couldn't take what was dished out. As an abuse survivor of childhood abuse, I knew deep down I couldn't take it and I knew my triggers enough to know when to fold and go. Sometimes you just have to leave the situation and let someone else take care of it
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I completely and totally agree with LifeBoss. You are being blocked, vilified and brow-beaten by these people while you are telling yourself you are only trying to do the right thing for your mom. If plans for your mother's care were not set in motion 5 years ago and agreed upon by all involved back then, it's darned near impossible to sort out the mess and change things now, especially since it seems that no one is on your side, including Mom. Hard as it is, you need to distance yourself mentally as well as physically. She is your mom, true, but right now she and her situation are ruining your own life. Wash your hands of this, and make sure that your OWN affairs are in order for the comfort and ease of your own family when your time comes so they don't have to go through what you are going through.
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Dear GaGirlnTN, I have done for my Mom so many of the things your SIL has done for yours. I hope you appreciate the never ending work involved when you are the closest relative and have to step in and do what has to be done. I would give anything to have a SIL who could takeover because, as others have mentioned, your health is at risk. I'm so sorry you are in this heartbreaking mess. I feel rage and sadness most of the time and try to remember that it's this most horrible disease of dementia that I'm mad as hell at. Family dynamics are so tough. I know you want the best for your Mom. I say the AA serenity prayer as I drive to my Mom's each am. Also the Al-Anon Do's and Don'ts help. I am so sorry you are in this difficult position.
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Sorry you are going through this. There was a time my mom hated me also. There really was nothing I could do about it; and you cannot reason or argue with someone with dementia. My mom also lives in memory care and does not think anything is wrong with her.

Is you mom still in assisted living - this may be the best place for her. Believe me if you are stressed out now, you will be incredibly stressed taking care of someone with dementia. Its not an easy job.

POA can be revoked at any time. I would suggest to trying to rebuild you relationship with your mom. Make your visits pleasant, don't argue with her. Stop trying to prove a point - your mom doesn't have the logic or reasoning skills any more. Maybe eventually you can get POA or maybe a court appointed guardian would be best.
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The best way to handle verbally abusive people is to walk out as soon as it starts and keep on walking. I've had to do this many times because this is what helps save your sanity so that you don't snap later. I also found that sometimes staying away for the rest of the day also helps. Sometimes you just have to let people fend for themselves and face the music by experiencing the consequences of their choices. Sometimes you just have to save your sanity by leaving and see if you don't feel better right away, and if you feel better staying away you might also find you really like it there, meaning you prefer distance. Your should never stay around where you're being abused in any way, doing so speaks volumes of your self-esteem and well-being. You really don't have to take the abuse, you can leave even if it means leaving the person alone. I've had to do this multiple times to save my own sanity and to keep from snapping, sometimes this is absolutely necessary
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GagirlNtn: Take her to see her doctor stat! Btw, no one should tolerate abusive behavior!
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Hi GagirlNTn, regarding the law and situation with your mothers house, whats done is done and there is no turning back or changing the law. However, you must learn to walk away when your Mum is verbally abusive, for your own sanity and for your health. Don't argue with your Mum, although what she is saying, she believes to be true. Just ignore her and walk away. Protect your health at all costs, All the best, Arlene Hutcheon, New Zealand
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