
My parents went into retirement with good health and ample savings, but a bad attitude toward aging. Isolation and depression settled in. My mom basically threw in the towel at 70 and declared she was "too old" to do anything. On her 75th birthday this year she stated that reaching the age of 75 was not something to strive for, it would be better to be dead (keep in mind this is a person with no health problems). She has become very toxic and I have had to build a firewall to protect my life from her negativity. I am an only child, she lives within walking distance, and will likely live for another 10-20 years. I feel like I am neglecting her but she is on the verge of ruining my life. I am 50 now. What if she lives until I'm 70? The thought of her trying to suck the life out of me for two more decades is horrible.
Forget the flowers, lol.
You have to take care of yourself when it comes to being in a toxic relationship. Does your mom require a lot of assistance at home? Does she take advantage of you being right down the street?
Find your boundary with her. For instance, you can only bear to be with her for 2 hours at a time; you can only go and see her 3 times a week. Or whatever you think is appropriate depending on her needs.
In your situation your first obligation is to your own mental and emotional health and wellbeing. One suggestion I have is to not indulge in what-ifs. Don't let yourself worry over something that may or may not happen 20 years from now. It's self-defeating.
Keep that firewall intact, build boundaries, and come back and let us know how it's going.
With regards to your mom, it sounds as though she needs a mental health checkup. Can you communicate what you're seeing with her regular doctor, with an eye towards getting what sounds like her depression treated?
I'm 63 and in "Good health". Let me tell you that everyday, just the little aches and pains of late middle/early old age make it tougher and tougher to do things like get up, get out, stay active and engaged...and I'm still working.
I wouldn't argue with her, just work on getting her to a psychiatrist. And maybe show up with flowers or a treat once a month, for no reason.
I do keep my exposure to her brief, but it is daily. If I go 48 hours I hear "I haven't talked to you in a while". I've become her only outlet and it's too much for me. Oh, BTW, we have been living in the same city since 1975, so it's not like she relocated to a new community where she has not had the opportunity to make friends or get involved in anything.
I have a good marriage and my husband and I run a small business, which is a more than 40-hour a week job. My husband is a very positive person and we live a good (but busy) life. I've had to sugarcoat my mom's comments & behavior recently so my husband doesn't end up too disgusted with her (and maybe me, too).
Yeah, I know I shouldn't worry about 20 years from now. It's just difficult to think of carrying the weight from age 50 to 70. After running a small business for 25 years I was hoping to have some vacation time and fun in my middle age. The business consumed most of my young-adult life.
I'm so glad that your dad is safe in AL!
Maintain boundaries, by all means. My late MIL was a lot like your mom; no interest in taking care of her mental health, wouldn't take antidepressants (I think they made her feel normal!).
Be good to yourself.
There are stories in there from people go through exactly the same thing. Essentially the book goes through different scenarios and teaches you how to change your habits and responses. Your mother will not change. The only thing you can do is change your reaction to her.
Mom's been put on anti-depressants twice in the past 3-4 years but refuses to take them after she's picked up the pills from the pharmacy. She won't go to a psychiatrist, it's been offered to her. She seems to prefer stewing in self-pity (which involves a significant amount of wine). I feel like I've spent the last decade trying to engage and cheer her up to no avail. I'm pulling away to save my sanity and my life. Honestly if I showed up with flowers I would probably be on the receiving end of a four letter word and how much extra work she now has on her plate to keep the flowers alive.
Mom needs to find something that will make her feel positive, tiny steps. Does she have a family tree? Oh my gosh, I have spent months doing my family tree and it has been fascinating to say the least, especially the old photographs. You never know, this might spark an interest for Mom :)
See All Answers