My grandma is about to turn 97, and she still lives in her home which is a 3 story condo. My younger sister who is 25 and in recovery for severe mental illness due to trauma she's experienced lives there because my mom, who lives with her boyfriend across town, thinks someone needs to stay with Grandma and since my sister is not standing in her own feet yet, it "should" be her. My sister has tearfully pleaded with my mom for help taking care of my grandma who can't even fix her own meals anymore and is terrified of being alone after some recent severe medical issues (which my sister has no training in dealing with). The current problem is that I live with my husband in another city about an hour and a half away and I want to have my sister come stay with me for a week, so I asked my mom if someone else could help my grandma to give my exhausted sister a break, and my mom freaked out on me saying that it's going to be at least a month before they can get my grandma into assisted living which is what she really needs, and my grandma is scared to be alone and no one else is stepping up to help, so it may not be fair but that's too bad. Then she starts attacking my sister and me for not appreciating the situation, me for not being there, and then when I said I wasn't trying to start a fight she just stopped talking to me altogether. I'm going to my grandma's for her birthday on Saturday and I'm sure my mom will make it as uncomfortable as she can for me by being cold and passive-aggressive as usual. She's already posting all these passive-aggressive messages on Facebook about feeling alone in this and thinking everything is great but Then getting hit with a roadblock (which I assume is me asking for her to give my sister some respite). I just want to spend time with my sister because I never see her, and give her a break. I am not sure what to do.
There are facilities that help with respite care. Check around in your grandma's area and see if there's a facility that offers respite. Your sister needs a break and if mom isn't helping but at the same time forbidding your adult sister from leaving check your grandma into a facility that offers respite for a long weekend. Let your mom know once all the plans are made.
If your mom doesn't pitch in to help your sister with your grandma she really has no say in what your sister needs as far as support is concerned. At least in theory.
You and sister plan a TWO WEEK break. Call mom after this "celebration" and give her a month's notice. "Mom, sis needs a break, and on July 23, she's coming to our house for a two-week vacation. Here's a number for a senior care service that will charge $2500 for 24-hour care for the two weeks. Call them and set it up. Gotta' go. Talk to you later." Disconnect from Facebook after posting a hiatus notice on your wall. Go sit down and have a stiff drink and thank yourself for doing right by your sister.
Dealing with people who are not open to reason and responsibility can be difficult and nonproductive. You can't force them to do the right thing.
I might find out why the assisted living can't take her now or find one that will house her for a month or until the other place becomes available. It's not good to move her around, but it's better than her going without care.