How can I handle my Mom's unreasonable expectations without making her hate me?

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My grandma is about to turn 97, and she still lives in her home which is a 3 story condo. My younger sister who is 25 and in recovery for severe mental illness due to trauma she's experienced lives there because my mom, who lives with her boyfriend across town, thinks someone needs to stay with Grandma and since my sister is not standing in her own feet yet, it "should" be her. My sister has tearfully pleaded with my mom for help taking care of my grandma who can't even fix her own meals anymore and is terrified of being alone after some recent severe medical issues (which my sister has no training in dealing with). The current problem is that I live with my husband in another city about an hour and a half away and I want to have my sister come stay with me for a week, so I asked my mom if someone else could help my grandma to give my exhausted sister a break, and my mom freaked out on me saying that it's going to be at least a month before they can get my grandma into assisted living which is what she really needs, and my grandma is scared to be alone and no one else is stepping up to help, so it may not be fair but that's too bad. Then she starts attacking my sister and me for not appreciating the situation, me for not being there, and then when I said I wasn't trying to start a fight she just stopped talking to me altogether. I'm going to my grandma's for her birthday on Saturday and I'm sure my mom will make it as uncomfortable as she can for me by being cold and passive-aggressive as usual. She's already posting all these passive-aggressive messages on Facebook about feeling alone in this and thinking everything is great but Then getting hit with a roadblock (which I assume is me asking for her to give my sister some respite). I just want to spend time with my sister because I never see her, and give her a break. I am not sure what to do.

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I think there is something "wrong" with your mom, not you and your sister.If she is able to obtain a Master's degree then her behavior toward you, your sister and her own mother is even more deplorable.Be strong, take care of yourself and your sister,call APS, get your sister out of there now and call for help for your grandmother,and if your mother starts yelling which she probably will tell her to just #@$%^ if you know what I mean.
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I agree with all of the above. You have to recognize that you can't control your mother's reactions. If she's not inclined to be reasonable, responsible, or compassionate (and it sounds like she isn't), and is trying to guilt your sister and you into making the problem go away, she is likely to become angry and hostile if it doesn't work. You can't change that. You can only do what you believe is right for your sister and grandma.
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Your mom is trying to use anger to get you guys to back down until grandma is in assisted living. Is assisted living a real plan? I hope so. I am sorry that your mom is not attending to the needs of her younger, very ill daughter also. Do what one of the posters above suggested - TELL your mom your sister is coming to you for two weeks, from X to Y dates. Your mom will flip out - because this is not something she wants to hear or to deal with. But your sister needs a break! Then disconnect - leave calls etc if your mom gets abusive. I would not be surprised to hear that your mom has used anger in the past to get her way. My mom did for years and when i turned 35 i started saying "no" and then when she got abusive, i would politely remove myself "I'm sorry you feel this way, but i can't discuss this when you call me names, bye...." etc. She will be angry - you can't help that. But you can help your sister. Good luck to you!
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Sorry for the typos...hard to catch when typing on my phone. :-)
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So my mom is legally my grandma's decision maker in the event that my grandma becomes unable to make decisions for herself and she takes her to her appointments and such, as far as I know. But my sister is the one with her 24/7. My mom just finished her Master's degree and got a job somewhere in the opposite direction. I doubt that was intentional...it was the best option for her career, but still, it makes her even less available. It is very hard for me to know how to handle this with my mom because she just makes me and my sister the bad guy. I feel bad for my grandma ending up stuck in the middle, too. I want my mom to step uup and take care of her mother. She acts so exasperated by the whole situatuon but I feel like she is being really selfish. My sister's mental condition is fragile, and the stress of this situation is absolutely horrible for her health. Even if nothing else, it will further traumatize her if my grandma passes because my sister will be the one to find her. It's just awful and I honestly can't believe that my mom is so willingly putting her in that situation. I thank you all for your support...I was beginning to wonder if I was overreacting for being so frustrated with my mom, but I feel like she is putting her own well-being above anyone else's. I will look into the respite care around her...I didn't know about that!
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You know what's right here.

You and sister plan a TWO WEEK break. Call mom after this "celebration" and give her a month's notice. "Mom, sis needs a break, and on July 23, she's coming to our house for a two-week vacation. Here's a number for a senior care service that will charge $2500 for 24-hour care for the two weeks. Call them and set it up. Gotta' go. Talk to you later." Disconnect from Facebook after posting a hiatus notice on your wall. Go sit down and have a stiff drink and thank yourself for doing right by your sister.
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Yea, what's the story with MOM, why isn't she helping out with her own mother rather than placing/intimidating a vulnerable adult(her own daughter)into taking "care" of a 97yr.old.This situation cannot continue. Even if your mom has health issues keeping her from physically caring for her own mother you don't put someone who is mentally fragile in an even more stressful situation, this isn't fair to your sister or your grandmom.Start calling for help,APS,any state ,county agency you can notify NOW.
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If you sister is suffering from severe mental illness, I would not want her to be responsible for grandmother's care. Your mom should step up and do whatever needs to be done until grandmother can be placed in the assisted living facility. I would check on respite care as stated in post above for a temporary solution.

Dealing with people who are not open to reason and responsibility can be difficult and nonproductive. You can't force them to do the right thing.

I might find out why the assisted living can't take her now or find one that will house her for a month or until the other place becomes available. It's not good to move her around, but it's better than her going without care.
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What does your mom do to help with your grandma?

There are facilities that help with respite care. Check around in your grandma's area and see if there's a facility that offers respite. Your sister needs a break and if mom isn't helping but at the same time forbidding your adult sister from leaving check your grandma into a facility that offers respite for a long weekend. Let your mom know once all the plans are made.

If your mom doesn't pitch in to help your sister with your grandma she really has no say in what your sister needs as far as support is concerned. At least in theory.
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