How do I handle a dementia Mom who's crying about things I can't change nor does she understand or remember?

Two things: My Mom had her meds changed which have helped somewhat, and she's in an excellent nursing home (probably much to the chagrin of some members on this board...ahem).

My Mom doesn't consider herself lucky to be in a nursing home (of course), but I consider myself, my husband and our children fortunate that she's in one. Fortunate for safety reasons and fortunate for selfish reasons, too. (For fifty years my Mom kept saying, "if anything ever happens to me, whatever you do, DON'T have me live with you." She spoke from experience: my Dad's grandmother lived with us.)

She has become INCREDIBLY high-maintenance, emotional and, frankly, dangerous because of exit-seeking, wandering and touching things. I'm tickled pink there's a safe place for her.

My FIRST priority is to my immediate family who is healthy and happy. I liken it to putting your own oxygen mask first before your child's, if you're on a plane about to crash.

I love my Mom like crazy, and have nothing but fantastic memories of a wonderful lady. Still, I guess my advice would be the polar opposite to some members: if you're financially -- and emotionally -- able to get her into a reputable nursing home, then do it.

Just looked again at your last post. Grinding teeth? Blood pressure? You have to know this can't continue.

Well said Chris! I agree. People shouldn't criticize the choices others make when they have not walked a mile in their shoes. Neither my sister nor I can live with Mom - we've tried years ago before she had dementia) It was an awful experience for all of us. Mom needs our love and help, but that doesn't mean she has to live with me. Now with dementia, she doesn't even want to visit let alone spend the night with us. She wants her own apartment (which is totally impossible, her dementia is so bad she can't even work the appliances) When she was in IL, she was struggling and we did everything for her for 9 long years because she would not let anyone else in her apartment to help. So when they said she had to leave because of her Alzheimers, we moved her in a lovely AL where she is safe and cared for (although she refuses most help!) No matter where Mom has lived for the past 40 years, she has complained and been negative. Nothing makes her happy and she has never appreciated what she has. When Mom's dementia gets worse, we will have to move her to memory care unit or nursing home. Living with her, taking care of her, is not an option for either of us. My sister is full time caregiver for her husband who has brain cancer. I live in a house with three stories which is unsafe and Mom doesn't like it here, complains constantly, will not listen or cooperate. I couldn't leave her alone even for an hour because she would burn the house down or fall down the stairs. She lives totally in the minute, and gets upset if she has her daily routine changed even a little. I am happily married and we are both retired, finally able to relax and enjoy the summer spending half the time in our camper with our dogs. Mom is good where she is, lives in a small safe environment and easy routine and I visit weekly and bring her treats. Movingg her into our home would destroy our marriage and force us to completely change our lifestyle to fit hers and would not guarantee she would be better off. I love my mother, but I am a senior myself, my health is not that great, I'm not up to caring for her 24/7 so I am not going to give up what is left of my life when there are alternatives that are actually better for her and me.

I don't see how you are going to keep this up. I'm retired and I don't live with my parents but Ive had to stay with them and care for during various medical events. It is exhausting. Dad with dementia, mom with her medical issues, cooking, fixing, cleaning, keeping meds straight, doc appointments, laundry and on and on..........Unless you plan to retire soon and devote your life to careing for mom I think you must consider a care facility for her. No one could keep up with what you're trying to do.

LastOne, I have to say this to get your attention.... 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their love one. Not good odds. Sadly the stress will get the best of you, and create a lot of serious medical conditions.

How do you fully concentrate on work with having a loved one under the same roof that needs your attention? I can't concentrate when the cat is talking to me, and he is a chatter box wanting attention. There are times when I need to shoe him outside, can't do that with an elder.

If you became one of the 40%, would your hubby be able to continue caregiving your mother? Have you thought what would you do? Or what if something happened to your hubby? Bet your Mom would be placed in a continuing care facility. You never know, even with dementia, she might enjoy being around others of her own age group.

This is the conversation your family needs to have.

NY, some of us don't live in places that are large enough to accommodate an extra person, nor do we live in places that are wheelchair accessible. Some of us live far from our parents and can't move. Some of us thing that leaving an elder in their home with caregivers coming in is a recipe for disaster and have found it so. Some of us want a group of qualified professionals with supervision, oversight and accountability to the State caring for our parents. There are choices, and we are free to make them.

I don't know how you care for someone with that level of dementia and disability, while maintaining a job. I would not even attempt to do it. You are certainly devoted.

I will say that I think your expectation of your mom being patient, waiting for you to be free, being appreciative or understanding is not feasible. When the brain is damaged as it is with dementia, the patient has no ability to do those things. I would read a lot here and other places about dementia and how it affects not just the mind, but the body. There simply is no way they can behave the way we think they should. It's not intentional on their part.

It's not unreasonable to have your job as a priority. I would likely find some outside help to come in and help you or find a place that can care for your mom. There is so much involved with a wheelchair bound person with advanced dementia, that I don't know how it could be handled in the home with limited resources. Perhaps some people here will respond with their suggestions.

LastOne, I'm so sorry to read how much the caregiving tasks have affected your emotional and physical health. I am truly amazed that you're "holding it all together" to continue working, at a high level position. I don't think I could, so I admire your tenacity and perseverance.

It does help me because it's easy to become overwhelmed and slip from that "how to handle" issues and tasks to the "it's just not possible!" mind frame. I have to frequently remind myself to think "how" and not "can't do it".

Thanks so much for sharing your very personal feelings and experiences on caregiving.

NY, you're entitled to your point of view. Different points of view do exist, however.

LastOne, I won't add anything to the discussion of things to do, since you've already received a range of options. I wanted to talk about the tooth grinding. It can be due to nerves, but sometimes it is an irregularity in your teeth that is causing the problem. Go to the dentist. The dentist will help correct the damage and can fit you with a protective cover that you can slip over your teeth to prevent you from grinding them down any further. I don't know if the bruxism happens when your asleep or at other times, too. You can wear the shield whenever you have problems. The shield is nearly invisible and people who wear them say they are comfortable.

I have a feeling you need to set aside an hour or two for relaxation with your husband each day. I know you are both under stress, so it is important to have some time set aside for both of you. You're not just employees and caregivers. You need to have a life of your own.

Since your mother wants to be home, would it be possible for her to go into respite care occasionally so you and hubby can take a break and be together. It can be expensive, but having a week or two of respite might be welcome. This can be more stress-invoking for some people. If you think you might like it, you may want to check your local facilities to see if they offer respite care.

One thing I've learned in caring for my parents is we can't make them happy. We can keep them safe and cared for, and we can try to behave in a way that doesn't add to their unhappiness. But we can't make them happy if they are not happy with the way that life is. We shouldn't feel guilty, because usually it is not us. It is loss, old age, and disease that takes the happiness.