How should I handle my father (96) who is stubborn and disrespectful to me and my daughter?

Move out. The constant stress will have a serious effect on your own health.

"He comes busting in our bedrooms" because he is not the same man he once was. I've seen it firsthand, e.g, in the doctor's office where I took my late mother-another patient comes barging ahead of other people in a long line (these other people are in line, waiting to schedule appointments or get medication). Their minds have changed to a HUGE degree and they forget the proper etiquette. As for this living situation, it seems to be time for a change.

You don't say exactly what kind of "care" your father needs. If he "busts" into your bedroom, then is sounds like he is doing well physically (as well as a 96 year old man can be, anyway). It sounds like you have to make the meals for him. I assume cleaning, laundry is yours too.

You have a couple of options: #1. Find your own place to live & move out. It sounds like your rather is causing you some mental health issues (that you do not elaborate on) and if you continue to live together that is not going to change.
#2. Put your father in an assisted living facility. His meals will be brought to him, prepared. Depending on what level of care he needs, he can probably get it at assisted living.
#3. Let what your father says go in one ear & out the other. He is probably not happy that you are on disability for a mental health issue and your daughter is on disability too (although you don't say for what).

You don't say what your daughter does to help out, but maybe she needs to do more. Why is she is disability?

If you continue to live with your father, things are not going to change. You are not going to change a 96 year old man. So, you can either suck it up or move out. It sounds like you are not happy with his "hours". In my humble opinion, when somebody reaches 96 years of age, they can do anything they want to do. If he wants to sleep all day & stay up all night, go for it. It is your father's house. If you don't like his lifestyle, find your own place to live.

I agree with Midkid.

What I don't agree with is people trying to say enjoy the time with them now or you're lucky to have them. That's a guilt trip no one should put on a caregiver.

Self preserve.

I look after a 88 year old lady I live downstairs she lives upstairs in her room mostly she has all her wits about her but she plays games like making me yell and repeat myself and I know she can still hear me. her sons have spoiled her through the years and what she wants she wants now. yesterday she demanded the christmas wreath be taken down it was not convenient for me at that time so i told her later I will. She pretended to fall taking it down and called me and said she thinks she broke her back but when I went upstairs she was fine in her favorite chair. i told her wow you will have to go to the hospital for a couple of weeks knowingly she dreads that and wow a miracle happened she was just fine. her grown sons and their wifes have been no help. Expect one son who comes on the weekend now and takes her to lunch gives me a breather. But now I think they want me to pay some bills around the house hydro gas taxes etc to help their mom with the bills. I do not pay rent but I do not think this is fair. I am here all the time and my freedom is limited they just do not know what I go through each and every day. I would like some imput on this, i am not a licensed caregiver or related to this lady but I am here to help her with meds and all meals houseworks laundry and so on should I help with the bills.

Have you put together house rules that you can agree on? Do you have an understanding that there's a choice involved for each of you, see if he wants to work with you.

I like Ferris's answer. If you r on SSI (not Social Security Disability) u maybe able to get help with housing. Talk to Office in the Aging. Your Dad needs to be evaluated.

omg...keep looking for a place to move ... this is very abusive for your daughter too. i surely would do anything to get her out of that home!! good luck

Buckeye, the answer always begins with you. I'm hearing you say your health will not allow you to give good care and his health is adding to the decline of your health. It may be time to assist him to a 24 care facility. There are differing kinds. Adult Foster Care homes (AFC), Assisted Livings (AL) and Nursing Homes (NH). You cannot give quality care to a sick person if you are sick yourself. As previous commenter stated it will only get worse. You come first. If your health happens to get better then you can be in a better to position to care for him. Now may be the time he needs to have 24hr care by a facility. Check with you state's Medicaid Waiver program. They can help a lot if he qualifies (low income, low assets, physical and/or cognitive disabilities as assessed by the program). If he is cared for by a 24hr care facility you can mentally rest better. The AFC's, AL's and NH's have their place in life. When we can't do it anymore, they can. They will help you work through any bad feelings about placing your loved one too. Take care of yourself first. I hope that helps. Praying for you.

It sounds like you have been his caretaker for some time. I'd explore if the house will be available for you and your daughter to live in after he passes away. Does he have a Will or are there other heirs? I'd try to get a legal opinion on what your property rights, expectations, etc are. Do you have a Legal Aid office?

If your dad goes to live in a facility, where his needs can be met, then would you still live in the house? It sounds like you pay the bills now, right?

It sounds like some kind of cognitive decline is going on with your dad. Do you have contact with his doctor? I would explore ways to have him placed into a facility, if he is a danger to himself or others or if he is resisting care that is a danger to his health. Maybe, a County social worker could help you. The most important thing is to stay safe. People who have dementia can do bizarre and violent things, not even realizing it. I'd ask for guidance on how to stay safe.

Also, if you county has an agency for Domestic Violence victims, I might contact them as well.

I hope you can find some answers and help.

This sounds like a question you have asked and answered for yourself. You admit you need to take better care of yourself--dad isn't "allowing" it. The fact you state your own mental health is declining--and dad is a pill (was he always this way? Or is this new?)...sounds like you know you have to distance yourself. Look into a place for you and daughter, at the same time, look into placing dad. It will be hard, but it's just going to get worse.
Self preserve---for you and your daughter's sake.

I wish I could tell you that it will get easier butttruthfully from one who has been doing it 8 years, it only gets worse. At his age a nursing home is the best awnser for all involved. Not a easy transition and something I haven't been able to bring myself to do, but my mom is 66. Hope u find some resources to help out. It can be a nightmare, and with shared living privacy is non existent. Keep positive and things will improve

At 96 yrs. your father's own mental state should be questioned. If it were me, and I say this because we have a mutual disability, take care of yourself and your daughter first, and when you cannot manage his behaviors any longer, leave. Living in a very remote and rural area sets you up for any number of stressors which will only end in disaster. People seem to think they have a license to abuse their children and get away with it. You need to survive for yourself and your daughter and let your father fend for himself. You have gone out of your way, and now it is up to him to survive on his own. Take your social security funds and move. Your own safety and mental health depend on it.

Excellent answer,Dianemarie. If a person has the ability to be a caregiver full time,without damaging his/her health,that is great. On the other hand,some of us just do not possess that charisma and need help ourselves. I found some college,even high school seniors who were happy to come by for 1 hour and talk to the patient, or read.Even the local school nurse from a grammar school might be helpful.You really have to take out the magnifying glass and scrutenize the neighborhood. Local paper??Community services? You have to think 'out of the box' and ask for help from above. If you ask, you will receive. Best wishes. Malachy

Very well assessed Dianemarie. That's a beautiful answer to the Question buckeye82 asked.

Here is what I will tell you. I was pushed to the caregiving edge. I didnt think I could take it a minute longer but since my father passed I would give anything for five minutes of him being difficult. Identify what issues are really him and which ones are really YOU. We are all responsible for the energy we bring into a situation. He cannot control his any longer. That is likely not even his fault. At 96 his mind cannot be trusted or blamed for his behavior. His filters are likely gone. But he still loves you. That is all that has to matter. Dig down deep and just live where the love is and try to let the rest go. Once he is gone there will be decades without him here in which you will have time to figure out why he drove you crazy. Those days are lonely.

I can identify with your problem. People can elude to making walking away sound easy, but I understand it is anything but - we are the ones who step up when everyone else has stepped out.

With dementia and elder rage in some folks, what seems rational & equitable to most in a more balanced mind is not so in the other. It is makes for the sensation of feeling crazy.

Boundaries are tough when living with elderly parent/s - especially when at a bare minimum, we hope to have the simple respect devoid of narcissistic interruption. It may be more than that, of course - his own depression, fears, etc about his life and add into it - dementia if applicable.

I am in a similar situation and making plans to leave but being hired is tough at my age. Many companies ay not recognize caregiving as a valued or relevant experience. Especially when we are doing it for family and unpaid. In caregiving employer situations, we would actually have clear hours, benefits, a paycheck and boundaries. Very different animal which compounds the family obligatory and guilt additive.

In what ways are you not the best caregiver to him? Are there areas in which you are positing behaviors that are influencing how he behaves towards you? Is there anything you can change about that, if so? What would help you best? Can you and he work as a team to establish boundaries and can you improve your caregiving skills?

Best wishes.

I agree with Jeanne. If you can't live peacefully with your father, you and your daughter could find another place. Your situation reminds me of my uncle who is very demanding but mean to everyone. No one can stand to be around him. His sons come by to help, but they try to leave quickly. I don't know what is going to ultimately happen with him, since he refuses to leave his home. He only wants free help from his sons.

I would tell you to put locks on your bedroom doors, but wouldn't be surprised if he just pounded and yelled about how it was his house. There is really no option for your own peace of mind except to leave. Is your father able to care for himself at his age? That is a huge concern. There has to be a better option of you being pushed to the edge.

You and your daughter are both disabled and you are living with your father, in his home. He needs some caregiving help. You are not up to providing it. Is that about the size of it?

Could you and daughter manage financially to live on your own, perhaps in subsidized housing? Could Dad get by on his own? Are his impairments severe enough so that he'd need to be in a care center if you weren't there?

It really doesn't sound like you are in a situation good for you or your father.

Most nursing homes have monthly caregiver meetings, which invite outside caregivers as well as relatives of residents. Find one near you. Accept the reality that he is a caregiver too, by taking you in. Keep a record of all you are paying for, so Medicaid will cover him if he ever needs it.