How do I handle the comment "I wish I'd die and get out of this world"?

Lois thank you for your honesty..Aaah the long awaited sunshine, I know exactly how you feel!!!

Heart2heart... Please do not berate yourself in any way. You are a Godsend to your 'receiver'. We are all with you and hope for the best. No one knows what you are experiencing until it happens to them. The other day the sun came out in all its glory. I sat in a chair watching the beautiful white clouds passing in a field of gorgeous blue sky - uncovered my legs and arms to the sunrays, and just basked - 45 degrees out.. Also when out Lab returned the ball I gave it a throw as far as I could making her happy.

The wonderful warm rays and Marley's happiness seemed to unwind all of my stress tangles and I went back in to my mundane chores with a lifted heart and knew that I was doing all that I could. Find the time to unwind - meditation is supposed to help, but I haven't gone there - yet. God bless you... Lois

Would my husband take charge? No, he would not. It's not in his nature. He was born with Whooping cough and was 'babied' by his mom during childhood and well into our married life, when possible. He expected life to go his way and became irritated when obstructed in anything. He would NEVER admit this. But he could be very sweet and had lots of friends in school, where we met, and I love him dearly cause I know there is a sweet, kind person inside, then and now.

The kids? Three have college degrees - one in psychology, a Master's, and she is very supportive now and understands our relationship through the years. She has mentioned before that she thinks Dad is one angry son-of-a gun. She is the one who would be most helpful were I to become ill, but 4 hours away and recently widowed.

If I were not able to care for Dad, he would land in a nursing home in a flash and would not last there more than a month or so - not an environment he could handle evidenced while a rehab in-patient after a prolonged intubation IH after pneumonia and blood infection eight years ago.

Our retired son is most helpful with keeping my tractors going, and other stuff and he lives nearby, extending love and professions of help when I seem to be breaking down, coming over to 'sit' while I do my thing - you know- shopping, taking the dog to the vet, etc..

The youngest is a HS teacher in a small town 2 hours away and she is the one with the most compassion, but no time, really, with two active teens and a husband recovering from quadruple by-pass surgery.

There would not be enough help from them to do what I do now caring for their Dad for him to survive long with me helpless.

I guess this was possibly TMI for your simple question and I am sorry to be so long winded.

Stress seems to come full circle (repeats itself) by many little 'triggers'. I'm finding that you're in a 'no-win' situation being a caregiver. When you 'think' you've 'solved' a problem or get to a place where things are looking 'up' something else comes along (siblings, working with medical staff/institutions, money situations...) that works against you and your 'good' intentions/will... Suddenly, your stress is right back where you started from. I'm starting to think that caregivers' (due to their kindness and good nature) are unwantedly masochists of sorts. So, somehow we have to learn to deal with it by ourselves or some kind of counseling (maybe). This scenario has been the most difficult (by far) that I've had to deal with in my whole life: Coming to terms of endearment for my 'self'... knowing that I'm doing and have done all I can do and not berate myself over and over again... it's extremely difficult for the kindhearted... isn't it?

Lois you are an ispiration for us all...

Lois I have to ask? Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you were the one with Alzheimer's instead of your husband? As you said you are a very independent women. I guess I wonder if one of kids would be doing the brunt of the care giving for you or was your husband the type to take charge?

Depends on the source. If the oldster is a narcissist, like one of the above answers, would say 'go ahead and jump'. If they are truly a narcissist, they don't jump.
Makes me wonder though, if we are nice to them, give them hugs when they are acting ok, would it extinguish the other behavior (again, provided they aren't narcissists). Then ignore this whiny depressive type of yak and don't pay it any attention. Behavior that is rewarded tends to repeat itself?

All of the above comments have emotional value to me and offer support..

This morning I came across this comment and believe it to be true and helpful. It is attributed to Marshall B. Rosenberg:

"At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled."

Explosive anger erupts here when a zipper will not cooperate or a button is difficult to manipulate due to his peripheral neuropathy. Small things have always caused some anger, but it is more violent since my husband, with dementia, cannot perform any of his normal chores. Work was always his main interest and now he has no interest in anything else but how he feels, etc.

The worst part is that he knows he will not get better and is gradually losing his faculties.

Cathy, I do understand the pressure you feel to continually keep your father's morale up, so that he does not feel like saying things like "I wish I'd die." But that is an impossible task. You only have so much energy. Just console and encourage yourself that you are doing the best you can, and that is the truth! If your Dad happens to say something negative, you can not take it to heart. After all, he has lived a long time, and it stands to reason that his brain and personality have more than likely undergone some aging changes, and this is causing him to say things he ordinarily wouldn't have said. You are good to him.

when a person feels bad physically or emotionally, he may say that he wants to die
I don't have a long answer for you....I suggest that you acknowledge that this person is depressed...sad...he may feel guilty re his being a burden to you...my answer is "it must be hard Dad, we both should try and do our best"....people say that sort of thing, but it is still difficult to hear

My Mom says that frequently & I just tell her I love her and give her hugs. I don't take it very seriously anymore because she would never do it. Considering such a large percentage of caregivers die BEFORE the person they care for, at this *point" I'm beginning the search to put her into Long Term Care with a Geriatric Case Manager. I am burned out and get no help WHATSOEVER from my brother. We barely speak, so once again, I will be doing this alone. But I've decided I have to put myself and health first. She is going to be totally pissed. I have no idea how I will get here there. But I feel such relief about that the fact a Geriatric Case Manager is going to walk me through each step.

My histrionic and NPD mother said while we were visiting at a rented condo with them and my (nurse) sister about six years ago: "I' just going to jump off this balcony!". My sister, who has always been able to get by with saying whatever she wanted to with my crazy mother said "Go ahead!". Here we are, six years later, dealing with the SOS.

I lost my dad 2 years ago and he was depressed a lot this way still want to be needed, you have to remind them they still are needed . Its hard to hear it but at their age they really feel that way. I use to give my dad word games, and things to do in the Garden. Give him something so he feels useful and needed. It hurts when they talk that way, sometimes it can be manipulation to do something they know they can't do, Like drive or go out on their own. Try to give him some chores around the house, even if its just folding towels. He dose have pride and wants to feel like he is still useful. Make it simple. People in his generation worked hard, and it was that way to them a pride to work. He just needs some busy work to do and don't feel guilty if he refuses to do anything. Just try to get him to?

I either ignore the statement, and just listen, or say a prayer. If they wish to leave soon it's fine with me. Sometimes it is a blessing.

Thank you so much, geo123! This has definitely been uncharted territory for us. I am thankful my husband is so supportive, too.

My dad, 86 has been healthy all his life, up until recently. I'm hoping that the prostate cancer hormonal treatment won't lead to significant side effects that may derail all of his emotional and physical progress he's gained.

Drummergirl, I'm really glad to hear your dad is improving and I hope he continues to do well with this new regimen.

My dad went through an awful time recently, between December and February. He would often say that, particularly when he was at his worst, and I heard him praying to be taken from this world. Not only was he physically and emotionally spent, but he misses my mom as much now as he did when she passed in 1986. It broke my heart to hear him speak this way.

I reacted with sadness, but also with understanding and encouragement whenever he would claim how much he wanted to go. I also tried to reason with him that there are many people who also have illness concerns but who don't have good healthcare, a secure place to live or family, which he does. I also explained how important he is to all of us, and when it is his time, God will bring him home. I emphasize that we are thankful for every day that he is with us. Dad himself has always awakened and given thanks for another day, and I am grateful that this practice has resumed.

Back in January, I had Dad evaluated by the psychiatrist on his medical team because I suspected he might be experiencing depression symptoms. He started an antidepressant regimen (concurrent with treatment for other issues). Another antidepressant was added a few weeks later, thus helping both appetite and sleep loss.

He has since greatly improved emotionally. I am observant of he he is feeling, and always supportive.

Cathy24, I love your answer. I've have to remember that one.

But, meanwhile, since you didn't give more information, it's hard to disagree with those who suggest it could be a cry for help.

On the other hand, my mother sulks and says things like this when she doesn't get her own way. It's partly a guilt trip on me and partly her feeling sorry for herself. One thing that is hard for me to keep in-mind is that she's also a human being and prone to her own feelings that I can't control. If she's down, it's not up to me to fix that, although I'll admit I do sometimes find activities for her or try to distract her during those times.

Once again, though, just feeling sorry for oneself or laying on a guilt trip is different than actually being depressed and wanting to die, for real. So, I certainly am not saying to ignore it, either.

Will type more when I get home form work..But same problem.
Think I will be dead first. Will explain later.

My mother has done the same thing for years! With her it happens just as you said, if there has been an argument or something upsetting. We use to say, "Oh Mom don't say things, like that. There are people dying every single day that would give anything to have another day!" Then we changed it to "Well when God is ready for you he will call you home." I hear my sister the other day say to her, "Yes Mom I know that is how you feel, you tell us all the time!" Funny how those statements change. My mother is bored to death, but try to get her to do something....she won't....she refuses to leave the house!

My mom has said this many, many times throughout her life. So much so that I made it a condition for her coming to live with us that she could not ever say that again because I just can't deal with it any more. However, she still says it, but I am used to it. I also have learned that it is not always manipulation, sometimes it is but sometimes if is because she just feels like such a burden on me and like she is just in the way here and she has no other choice but be here. She has no other options at all and she feels stuck here in a place where she is uncomfortable. Not because we have made her feel that way but because it is common sense that she is intruding on our lives and she hates it. It is what it is and I just have to tell her that she is not in the way and that we love here and want her here.

I would answer much the way I answer a lot of questions or statements from my clients. I would repeat what was said, back to them. "You wish you'd die and get out of this world. Is that what you're feeling?" Hearing it said back can be a bit of a surprise. Say it gently, with good eye contact. I had a client say that very thing to me one day. Of course, he wasn't my family member. But I was the recipient of the statement anyway. I just sighed and said "Well, I don't wish that for you." And he smiled.

Cathy24 - 10hrs ago - That's a clever answer that will shut up the one who wants to die.... but I feel it's also a bit of a put-down... The last thing old folks need are remarks that make them feel disrespected or foolish.... or useless... Just saying something like " I would miss you " or " think of all you have accomplished in your life " Then mention some of these things, such as "... look at my brother, is he not a great person?" -- " we'd miss you so much "... Then bring her- her favorite cookie and sit down next to her for a minute !!...She would most likely want to give you a hug then.... something she was asking for in the first place...!! ... More Love !!!

Having just lost both of my parents within 2 1/2 months of each other, this one hits close to home. My dad always wanted to "go home to be with the Lord"...I think it is an understandable comment after having one's body betray them. I would just give them a hug......as i did my dad...and say well I am glad you are here..i still need you..When it is their time..it will come..and too soon. I have discovered that no matter how old you or your parents are, it is still a blow..just awful. To those of you who are caregivers as i was, you will have NO regrets and that is comforting

When I get that comment from my 91 yr. old Mom , it is usually after one kind of frustration or another . I usually just say, " Really? Sorry you feel that way but today's not the day! Maybe tomorrow you'll feel better?"

I think many times it depends on the character of the person it is coming from, and also whether or not dementia or some ailment is factoring in.
Me? My mom is somewhat of a narcissist (pointed out by someone on the board here..) and something like that would definitely be a manipulation.

My father said that the last month before his death. He was going downhill. Couldn't swallow his food or drink. Had to be helped to the bathroom and he didn't want to live like that or be a burden. And he missed mom terribly. I told him that God would take him when the time was right. He is finally at peace now but the sorrow is great.

Nana would say "Next year I'mma not here" hinting at her demise. She said that for twenty years. I would tell her "Se vuole Lo Signore" (If god wants), a phrase that reminded her that if God wants it, she will go, and if not, He has work for her to do here. She talked to God every morning, prayers and invocations before breakfast, to find the plan for the day.

Gigi 11 kind of said what I would tell you . However, I would add, maybe he wishes to go home to GOD. I have lost 2 of my children, well they both were young woman. My oldest daughter came to me , so many times , & asked for her meds which I oversaw for I am an R.N. & finally got involved in her care. WE talked a lot about her quality of life-she was disabled-severely. My Minister told me that when the time presented for me to give her, her own meds, I would know & it did-just 5 years ago & 19 days. I knew when I handed her the bottle of Morphine, I would never see her again, alive & so it was. She died with in 30 some hours. She is no longer in pain, lives no longer in bed, she sores HIGH with HER GOD & her sister who died 15 months to the day after she did.

I have no answers-I have what I have lived & in over 40+ years of nursing, I have never seen another person in as much pain as Kim lived in. I have no regrets. I so miss her body & remember what my dads always said, "When we cry for the dead, we really cry for ourselves for they are ONE WITH GOD ",....I don't cry very often any more-occasionally. Now I care for my husband who suffers from Solvent Dementia. Keeps me jumping...Blessings are all about you-LOOK...SEE....I pray a lot. I play my guitar a lot.
The best of luck-get him checked out by a shrink, or his primary care physician. He too can prescribe a med, if that is the way to go-let the physician decide.

My mother is in an assisted living residence now as her medications were not being taken right and caused many severe problems for her and I both. The facility is a great one as of course they regulate thet meds and even more than that, when she gets depressed or feeling sorry for herself she does look around her and sees so many much worse off than her, she is 93 and can motivate as she wishes with her walker, many of course are wheelchair bound and need help with everything. I just remind often how good she is doing and I believe it does give her a more positive outlook. Good luck with that and hope you can do the same..

Bobbi's answer was good, and shows understanding and empathy, as well as Frustrated's answer about "validation" being a good one. I feel that people who talk about "wishing they would die, and the world would be a better place without them" aren't saying those things to punish others, but actually feel so negatively about themselves (whether it is pain, or helplessness, hopelessness, awareness of how little they have to give to others at this point in their lives, and how much they sap from others. Who wouldn't think that they are just taking up space, and for what reason?? To respond to these people with anger is not helpful. I realize it causes feelings of anger and frustration to be at the receiving end of such behavior. I not only care for my Mother with dementia 24/7, but I have a daughter who has a personality disorder and fights for her life with a drug addiction. She goes through a life of h***, really, battling quitting, then relapsing. All efforts to help have so far failed, but I'll never abandon her or lose hope that one day she'll succeed. Often I hear the talk of wishing death, to ease the suffering. Compassion, understanding, love, and validation is a small amount of comfort to these souls that live a life of torture in many ways. Reminding them that there will be a brighter day tomorrow, (even if it is a comment about someone coming for a visit, or the weather is going to be sunny and we'll go for a nice walk, or whatever small thing it could be that may bring a moment of happiness or joy to the person. They are angry at themselves, because they are hopeless and useless. They don't need reciprocal anger from the ones who help them. They just need kindness and understanding. There's no miraculous thing to change it, that's for sure. :- (