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So this year, like many past years, Grandma and I settled on how she would buy me presents. She was supposed to have her sister buy me a gift. Then I was supposed to help Grandma buy gifts for everyone else. I should point out that this is Grandma's first year of living with me, but her sister and I have always helped her with gift buying in the past.

So her sister indicated to me that she had bought and wrapped my present. Then I found out that Grandma had also asked two other family members to buy gifts for me and a few other people. Apparently, she had forgotten that her sister and I had already gotten something. So the other family members (one is the POA) said we could just return one of the gifts. The problem is that the sister said mine is non-returnable and I'm not going through the hassle to return the items I already ordered. The gifts I purchased were well thought out and I put a lot of effort in it. The other gifts were ordered online with no thought after I had made arrangements with Grandma, and return shipping would cost a lot. I suspect the gifts are from a well-known mail order food company. So me and a few others have double or triple presents from Grandma.

I'm kind of annoyed because the two family members that Grandma asked to buy me and others presents for, have never been involved in helping her buy presents. It seems to me that with Grandma's faulty memory, they should have come to me and asked me what the gift buying arrangements were. I mean, Grandma does live with me. I'm the one who does everything. They're not involved in anything. The POA barely does anything and certainly doesn't do what they're supposed to.

Am I wrong in being upset here? As Grandma's sole caregiver, it seems these other family members should have checked with me about the presents. And it seems they should have especially done so considering her faulty memory.

What do you all think about this?

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It's too late this year but if I were you I would think hard about the need to continue this in the future. If Grandma is actually present for a gift exchange that may be more difficult but when you are the one planning, selecting buying and delivering the gifts they really aren't from Grandma anymore, are they? If she asks all you would need to say is that it has been taken care of and everyone is happy... hopefully the family isn't too self centred to play along.
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I'm lucky, I guess, in being from a family who doesn't believe in gifts. I buy some things as stocking stuffers for my mother to give everyone. She also gives a little money. I buy myself a box of candy so I don't look like the red-haired orphan child. I doubt anyone even considers who would buy a gift for me. My mother does give me a little money for Christmas. I stick it in my wallet and pay for dinner when we go out. I would be absolutely snowed if all these people descended on me with gifts. I hope they are not the same thing. I would say to enjoy them and not worry.
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Grandma is aware and alert, she just doesn't know what to get people. I have helped her buy Christmas presents for the last 20 years or so. Even when she was capable of getting around on her own, she needed help because she disliked shopping.

What I do is ask her if she has something in mind for someone. If she doesn't, I make a few suggestions. I also have asked people if they have a Christmas list. So Grandma is usually involved in what she's getting people, she just forgets sometimes.

Part of the issue is that it wasn't necessarily too late for some people to cancel their orders. They hadn't been shipped out yet, but they didn't want to. Then there's the fact that the POA is one of the guilty parties and they are supposed to reimburse me for what I've spent. They might insist that I return what I bought, and I can't and won't do that. I can't afford to keep the gifts without reimbursement and they really can't be sent back.

I think I'm mostly aggravated that as the sole caregiver, no one bothered to check with me about the gift buying arrangements. I'm there 24/7 and some people visit once every two weeks for a couple hours and others don't visit at all. Then they try to insert themselves into something that really isn't their business. Common sense should have told them to check with me first.

I wonder what will happen if Grandma ever gets to a point where she develops dementia or Alzheimer's. Will people believe her confabulations? Will people believe it if she says she went to Mars on a spaceship? I just don't understand people.

The worst part of being a caregiver isn't dealing with Grandma, it's having to deal with our idiotic, clueless family. I'm also tired of being nice and polite to everyone when I really want to give them a good piece of my mind. Grr!
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Perhaps, you could put some back for later or just accept them so the family sees how their lack of forethought caused problems.

From what I have seen, family members often do not fully appreciate the degree that a senior or person with dementia may be effected. They just can't accept it or it doesn't occur to them to do things different, to double check to reconsider, etc. I would say put it in writing next year, but family members can be stubborn, memories short and normally they will do things their own way anyway.

So, enjoy your gifts. It's not your fault.
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I am fortunate in that Mom only has two of us to reach out to and we communicate very well so there isn't a redundancy.

The problem that I am facing though, is Mom's insistence on buying gifts for her sons. We have discussed it over and over again but she keeps forgetting the conversation and then asks Carol to help her buy something for them.

Las Christmas she bought two of the boys stuff, to include clothes which I know at least one of them would never wear. Well, seeing as the boys never made it out to see her... and still haven't, we have their wrapped presents from last year.

They are both destitute and always hitting her up for money so I keep telling her that we should just give them money (mail it so they will get it - since they won't visit). I know they need money more than gifts but I can't convince her of that. Actually, I can convince her but then she forgets and we start all over.
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For the OP. I understand that you are annoyed but i think you will have to let it go. Perhaps suggest that the other family members use the gifts they bought for somebody else. Plan for this next year. Why not keep a diary because this year will be full of such mess ups while everyone adjusts. Consider giving up the gift exchange. It was ridiculous in my family until my cousin and i said no more. My mother gives me a check which i i thank her for and then rip up. I sometimes designate a purchase i make as her gift.
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I really don't understand why you are not the POA, who is the POA? It sounds like a lack of communication. We don't give gifts for Christmas and my wife and I do not ask for anything. We put $25 dollars in an envelope for each grandchild and my only daughter.
I would ask the POA and other to have a family meeting. If you are buying gifts it sounds to me you have a loving family. It is time to communicate with each other.
For the life of me, I don't understand why people don't talk to one another especially if there is a family member that needs help.
You are lucky, I hardly ever see my sibling since my mother passed away. My grandchildren who are all grown only show up to get their money and eat. I come from a very large family. I live on a very tight budget and every penny counts but we manage.
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mejjy11, some good ideas on this thread. But one thing I want to bring up is the other people thought they were helping you. You can get angry at them for not communicating with you, but maybe they thought since you tend to do everything, this was a way to help you and Grandma. I think this is a great time to discuss the real situation, Grandma can't remember all the time, so just check with you. Also be specific on what you need for Grandma. I see you are really annoyed and think they did this and belittled your job as caregiver. I think since presents are secret they didn't want to spoil the surprise. Figure out what can be put away for next year, what can't, return what can be returned and enjoy the mix-up!
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You have received some good suggestions so stop being upset. there is nothing that can be done this year if there really is no way of returning anything. If POA owes you money for things you have brought insist on being reimbursed but otherwise just let it go. I don't think anyone was being malicious, just thought they were being helpful as you have so much on your plate.
I have an absolute limit person for birthdays and Christmas as we are elderly and have a fixed income that keeps shrinking. If I find something on sale that usually sells for my limit I have no shame in keeping the change. I used to be able to make a lot of things but physical issues prevent that now. One year I was so broke the limit was $5 per persion.I was able to make things that would have cost many times more - think knitting with thrift store yarn or weaving afghans that sell for $100 with $12 worth of yarn. ovely gifts and much appreciated.
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Christmas is difficult as are birthdays. In the past when Mom was on her own, she sent everyone, children, grands etc $10. Her sister was an exception as we're myself and my husband since we lived close by and spent the holidays with her.
After moving in to my house, I did not presume anything when it came to gifts. She was in her right mind and if she didn't want to remember everyone's birthdays etc as she did in the past that was not my business. She asked me what I wanted and what she should get my husband, as she did every year and purchased a couple of things through catalogues since she couldn't get to the store, to send to my aunt and asked me to write a check for her.
This year she decided that she wanted to send each brother and step brother and my aunt gift cards to a restaurant and they could use it toward taking their families out. Where she got this idea, I don't know, but I bought the cards, she picked out Christmas cards and signed them and I addressed and mailed them.
Faulty memory is not a condition that is seen as incompetent. If it was, we would all be in trouble. Everyone should have asked you what was being done about Christmas presents before buying any since you were there to converse with Grandma. If POA doesn't want to pay you, he shouldn't pay anyone. It was either your grandmother's wish that all the gifts were bought or not. It is not his job to determine this unless she is incompetent.
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