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My 96 year old mother has mild dementia and throws a temper tantrum almost daily. She knows she is wrong because she apologizes after the fact. While she is having a tantrum, she screams, cries and says hurtful things. If ignored, she only gets louder and threatens to go outside and step into traffic.

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Oops! Trying to save my 68 year old self.
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Ferris1, You're right in my case. I've been playing the med game for over 2 years to control my 63 year old husband. Try being cursed at, kicked, punched, spit at, destroying anything he can get his hands on, trying to punch driver of the car. I can't save him. I'm trying to saves 68 year old self. Don't tell me a nursing home wouldn't drug him.
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Brain scans do not show Alzheimer's, however, or some other forms of dementia. My mom had one just two years ago - the diagnosis? Her brain was the size of someone her age, which is normal. Bah!
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So many good replies above!

My Mom was always tough to deal with--but she ALWAYS knew she'd done something to hurt someone's feelings, or cause problems-
---only, she ALWAYS "confessed" to someone who was not the one hurt
--THAT apology rarely, if ever, happened....
AND, she NEVER wanted the confessor to tell the hurt party, how badly she felt for having been like that, either.
Along with her other "real special" behaviors, made getting along with her challenging.
With age, more head injuries, etc., this behavior pattern got worse
...that is, she's doesn't believe she does anything to hurt anyone
--or if she does know it, she refuses to apologize or retract anything--she will call up others, to tell the lies to them, passionately, to get others on her side--the more a lie is repeated, the "truer" it is for her...and others.

Getting a brain scan is a great idea--wish that had been done for her when she was hospitalized and I requested evaluation--but they avoided doing one.
Scans might have helped show causes for behaviors--or rule out some things, so energy could be spent evaluating for other things..
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When my mom would start, I would tell her "okay now, I am leaving (the room)." She tended to have some of that behavior before Alzheimer's but it become unreasonable (and unbearable) when she was in that stage. Usually, ten minutes later she forgot all about it. For awhile, I was on antidepressants because I was her main whipping girl.
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My mother has moderate dementia and her behavior had gone from bad to worse and it had reached the point that I truly thought she would have to go into a nursing home because i could no longer handle it! I took her to a Gerontologist to prescribed two medications, one morning and one night and it has made a world of difference. She will still on occasion go off into a screaming tantrum and some days I say, "I refuse to have this conversation with you" and I walk away. Other days, I tell her to "knock it off, I do not have time for this." It is all stupid as most of the time they cannot help what they are doing anyway and therefore saying anything to them is stupid on our part. If it is everyday, seek medication!!
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Merry Christmas to all you caregivers who work so hard, care so much and do it with a laugh and a smile. God Bless you. Rewards are coming your way.
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My mother is 98 and in the latter stages of dementia. She whines, fusses, and complains when I get her up, bathed, and dressed AND when I dress her for bed. She has accused me of trying to kill her, treating her wrong, and raising her hand as if to hit me when I insist that she let me do what needs to be done. Tonight she gave me a good laugh: She was fussing and whining. I told her, "Stop being so mean and be nice. You never used to be that way." Without skipping a beat, she said, "I have always been that way". All I could do was laugh and finish getting her ready.
I try not to, but sometimes she gets to me and hurts my feelings. I love working in the yard, so that's where I go for refuge when she is having her tantrum. Sometimes she realizes that she has gone too far. Now, not so much.
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Nana2Nanny, I had checked your profile to see you were keeping your mother at home. I thought what a remarkable caregiver you must be to be able to stay so upbeat and loving. Now I understand better. Many times it is the best we can do for ourselves and for our loved ones to find a good place for them. If it is a good place, being able to have friends goes a long way in reviving a person. I don't know how important friendship is for most people with advanced dementia. I imagine friendship becomes less important as coping becomes harder.
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I forgot to ad- Please do discuss with doctor and please quit when your quality of life sucks! I put my mother in a fantastic senior home after 2 years- I see her everyday, I still do her personal care. Something magical happened- she loves my visits, she has regained some of her spunk, she met friends- and there are even married couples! I made it a point to meet everyone and I am still her primary caregiver but I am happier and have some quality life of my own. She feels independent and that has done miracles for her health. Its a personal choice and you must find the right facility. Good luck...
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Agree, reassure, agree, love and do again. Frustration comes from being trapped in an aging and unforgiving body. A frightened mind and being face to face with mortality and losing control over their own life. Children act out because they are learning- adults act out from pain of knowing what they are losing- dignity, independence, pride. Don't compare these precious old souls to children! Elder care isn't for the one who can't be humble and be willing to be wrong and stroke their precious parent's spirit 24/7. Don't fault an old mind- can't expect it to reason. Love, love, love!
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i agree, I am all over the Dr when dad gets unmanagable. I would rather have him here and calm than anywhere else while I can And I know that is best for Dad and all of us (Mom, hubby and I) a small change in meds can work wonders! Dad gets very worked up about nothing somethimes, and tweaking his meds has been great so far.
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Extremely stubborn and combative behaviors would not be tolerated in a NH either. If 'drugging' the elder makes it possible for them to stay with family, then I'm all for it. Her quality of life is better, the situation is tolerable for all and I applaud you for finding the solution to this issue, Marialake.
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I had to find other ways (and other people) for support when things get out of balance. My husband can be more insistent and he can even nag my dad, and my dad's totally cool with it. I agree with the "ignore and don't take it personally" tactic - it's much easier than losing my patience and everyone feels better in the long run.
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Mellow is always better than on-edge. Don't think not using medicine when it's clearly called for is the best way to go!
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My 2 dementia patients both have temper tantrums. I am glad you posted this on this site. I have always been at a loss as what to do. What I learned is not to take it personally.
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My 86 year old has breakdowns, every other day because I have to wash the oil and dandruff out of her hair, every other day(tried washing twice, dandruff shampoos medicated even did the lime rinse nothing) but she is frantic at getting water
in her ears, even though getting water in her ears (she states) that nothing happens when she gets water in her ears (no earache) then why the tantrum?

Of course, she doesn't know, but always loves her "bob" hairstyle when it is fresh and can't thank you enough.

Histrionics, I never heard of it but looked it up as was taught (in the dictionary) personality disorder marked by emotional drama and it describes her condition exactly.
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Wait a minute, it's about BOTH the caregiver and the elder. Gigi11 said it well: "I resisted her being given such strong drugs until now because I wanted her to have the best possible quality of life each day. And that's the same reason for starting the meds because clearly she was suffering."
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Marialake, I'm sorry but it is about you not having to deal with the tantrums and yes you are drugging your mother-in-law to control her behaviors.
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I was so glad to see this question because it has been a big problem in my house. My MIL has been taking trazadone (1x at night only) for sleep and it really helps her to sleep for which I am grateful. However, tantrums and extremely stubborn and combative behaviors continued during the day.
I finally called her doctor about it and he prescribed 1 Seroquel every morning. It makes her very sleepy - but she is calmer and in that way.....her quality of life is improved. I do worry how it looks to family members if they stop by...... and she is dozing. Do they think of me as a horrible person for "drugging" her? But then, I have to stop and remember this is not about me. It's about her and her comfort. And that makes me feel better.
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Then YOU go outside and wait until her tantrum is over. Hug her when she calms down and do not take it personally! Merry Christmas.
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Child-like reactions are a part of the symptoms of this disease. I know that it must be maddening due to the frequency of the tantrums. But maybe you can establish some information that might help since mom may not be able to communicate effectively. Are these happening at the same time of day? Did something happen prior to the tantrum that set you mom off? Ask yourself some questions and maybe there is another story to why she is behaving this way. If there is a common denominator, that might the answer to your situation. Perhaps, she doesn't know how to communicate her frustration with her stituation and she simply has a trantrum to relieve some of her stresses. Put yourself in mom's shoes as dealing with the lose of memories and the ability to communicate is a terrrible for her. She surely knows that she is having problems and doesn't know how to deal with it. I guess I too would yell, scream and cry. This fact finding mission might reveal some obvious issues that mom cannot deal with. But on the other hand, there may not be common denominator. In that case, I would try some of the solutions that others have given to you and through the process of elimination determine the best course of action to deal with her tantrums. Just remember this is only the beginning stages of her dementia so you want to solve this problem before others come forward. Try to remind in the moment and be positive.
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Being the full-time caregiver of my husband from early stages to later stagers Alzheimer's, I've found (and learned the hard way) that any type of reasoning or 'punishment' just doesn't work - at least for me it didn't. Remaining calm and leaving the room during tantrums or distracting him when he misbehaves works best. Since he couldn't/can't remember from one minute to the next, I let him finish and then act like nothing happened and move on to something else. I'm blessed, though, because he has always been a kind, gentle and loving soul so I know his outbursts aren't the 'norm' for him.The hurtful things that are said are hard to hear, but if there's anyway way you can let them go and just know they really don't mean any of them as it is the dementia taking over in those moments.
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Did your mother throw temper tantrums before the dementia set in? Has she always insisted on getting her own way and taking it out on others if she doesn't? If these behaviors are getting worse, you might want to get help from her doctor in the form of medications to lessen the intensity.

When I first came to stay with my mother 10 years ago, after my father died, her memory and judgment already were impaired. And temper tantrums were typical because she was an 85-year-old spoiled brat. I was pleasantly surprised, however, to find she did control her behavior when I objected to verbal abuse. I told her we could disagree without being disagreeable and she has complied as much as her nature will allow.

The first time she launched a tirade when I brought home from the grocery store something she thought wasn't good enough, I told her if she didn't like my choices then I would drive her to the store, drop her off and she could do her own shopping. Amazingly, that was the last time she pulled that trick.

Then, at age 95, her acting out became extreme. She spent basically all her time demanding this or that, yelling at me, wanting to get out and walk to her mother's house (dead now these 70 years and never lived near here), on and on and on. She rarely slept and she looked like a person possessed. I had the outside door locks changed to key-only and wear the key around my neck.

Her personality remains the same now that she's on generic Seroquel and Aricept, but the intensity is gone. I resisted her being given such strong drugs until now because I wanted her to have the best possible quality of life each day. And that's the same reason for starting the meds because clearly she was suffering.

Her calming down and sleeping more also has improved my own quality of life, in fact probably saved what shreds of sanity I have left. I was close to the breaking point when the doctor rescued us.

Every case is different, but the one common element is that the behavior gets worse and worse. And then there’s the issue of how much good you’ll be able to do if your mother drives you nuts. Maybe it’s time to look at the big picture and see what’s best for the family as a whole. Blessings to you for a positive outcome for everyone.
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It's called Histrionics, and it is a classified mental illness...(APA).
Not much you can do except try to stop her. There are drugs for this, but not recommended unless the case becomes extreme.
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They are like children and use any tactic that works. The difference is that you can teach a child and those with dementia/Alz can't really learn. My Dad has a tantrum occasionally, but if I don't respond he will forget and move on. There are some antidepressants that smooth out the behaviors of old folks, but at 96 you can probably ignore most of her threats.
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my dad wou.ld be very angry and bitter and say very hurtful words they are ill they really do not mean it, one moment he would call me sweetheart the next i would not even say or write, i would visit him the last 6 weeks he had to be placed in a NH my mom was his primary caregiver he refused alot of help very prideful and always was in control. i would say i love you and walk away and let him try to calm down. we all will never truly understand as their children. try to be patient and not let words sink down into your heart tell yourself everyday i am truly blessed to have this now for 1 day i wont my dad went to be with the LORD. and i can say we did it DAD.i do agree with going to a dr and getting more help, i am an elderly caregiver and i see this alot with dementia educated yourself as much as possible with all the symptoms of this horrible disease , it does help my family did and i assure you , you are not alone. there are also support groups helps to have others in your circle
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Ugh, FIL goes off and says hateful things about once a month. We have not allowed that to continue unabated to this point. Not wanting that to become a habit that makes his living with us unbearable. He is not so far deteriorated that he does not have any control YET. On the flip side when he gets mad he usually just does not speak with us for a day or two or three. He thinks he is punishing us :)
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That is the way I handle this kind of situation from which I have alot, it helps for 1 max 2 days and then it is starting over. I suggested to go to a doctor to check her up saying she needs a complete check up, but it is a NO NO. My mom is threatening she will talk to the President to kick me out of the US lol, because I am the most bad daughter she ever imagined.
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"Once an adult and twice a child" my grandma would say and I did not know quite what she meant until now. As with any five-year old, you have to give them time out. Tell her to go to her room until she feels better. If you are about to leave, do not turn back or delay your errands. If she threatens to step into traffic: "If that is your choice, I can not stop you" in a calm, quiet voice. Reflect on these personality changes with her MD, see if he can prescribe a short term anxiolytic for the rough spots. We did this for mom and it helped a lot. It may also be time for a workup with a neurologist specializing in aging. Mom's brain CT showed a lot of shrinkage, and strokes we never knew she had.
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