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I am wondering what everyone else does with their elderly parents.. My sister & I have taken turns having dad live in our home and if we are too tired to make a meal he won't fix himself anything to eat and he won't eat. Should we feel guilty for not putting a meal in front of him or is it ok once in awhile if we're too tired to cook?my sister has 6 kids and a husband and some nights she doesn't feed anybody they sort of fend for themselves but my dad won't even fix anything and he is perfectly capable of getting himself something to eat.we have finally after 4 months I got him back to being fairly healthy and eating 3 meals a day snacks and drinking enough water so I imagine one missed meal won't be that bad but in my sister's case this may happen 3 times a week.what do you all think?

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Sounds like your Dad is from the old school where preparing a meal is woman's work.... oh my gosh, does that mean bachelors all starved?

Let Dad know he is free to get himself a bowl of cereal, or make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if he wants something to eat. Or offer healthy snack bars such as what Kashi makes. You don't his blood sugar levels to drop.
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I think anyone having custody of an elderly parent who, it would seem, can't live alone (because he lives between your home and your sister's) has a responsibility to put food in front of them if they can't/won't fix it themselves. Nutrition in the elderly is a big problem/concern. Lack of same can lead to much more intense care giving on your part and many more health concerns on his.

How much trouble is it really, to put a Healthy Choice dinner in the microwave for him? Or to buy a $6 rotisseried chicken for him to nosh on? Buy one for the week, and on those days sis (and you) don't want to cook, bring pieces to room temperature and give him some deli slaw. Picnic time!
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Along with the last post, I'd suggest buying him a few of the healthier TV dinners. I don't do 3 meals a day and I don't make my Mom do it, as she's the reason I'm not a three meal a day person, as that's not how she brought me up. However, I do like her to have 2 and she'll forget to eat so I can't depend on her to eat any meals per day, actually.

When I'm away from her, I call her and pester her all the way through the meal. I make sure she gets herself out of her chair, goes to the freezer, gets it out, etc..., until the moment she's putting it on the table and getting herself a fork. At that point, we hang up and she eats. I don't know if that would work for your dad, but it's easier than worrying about her forgetting to eat.

I know she's doing it because:
* She's griping all the way through.
* I can hear clinking and such.

:-)
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When you are fending for yourself and getting yourself something simple to eat, why not get out double and share with him?

No doubt he COULD fix himself something to eat, but retraining him at this point might be harder than just putting a simple sandwich together for him.
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But I forgot to answer your question:
No, you should NOT feel guilty. If you're not with him and he's capable of feeding himself and just is somewhat too lazy, I wouldn't feel too badly about it occasionally being the case.

Also, if everyone's doing the best they can and it's just an occasional thing, I wouldn't worry too much about it. However, if your sister has 6 kids, part of their chore wheel could be taking turns making a plate for grandpa when you make one for yourself and he never has to miss a meal. And if the kids want to guilt grandpa into reciprocating, sometimes, more power to them!
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I remember being at a family reunion where my aunt said to me, "Aren't you going to fix your man a plate?" I laughed. "He walked in under his own power and his arms work fine. No, Auntie, I don't fix his plates. But I sure would if he needed me to." She and all her sisters had always waited on their men. It is was that generation did. It is not what my generation does. (Later my man had dementia, and I did do everything for him. But that is a different story.)

Your dad is not necessarily "lazy" but is reacting as his generation mostly did. He has certain life-long expectations. Yes, they could be retrained, but I'm not sure it would be worth it. You don't have to feel guilty about whatever you decide -- just don't try to make him feel guilty for behaving as he was taught to behave.
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It is not wrong to expect him to care for himself. I would also make sure that he carried his dishes to the kitchen sink.
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As long as he is mobile, just make sure there is something available for him to eat, and I agree with Jeanne, while nobody expects you to cook everyday, just give him the same as whatever you fix yourself. Remind him and encourage him to help himself.

My dad was old school, but he knew how to get up and search the kitchen for a snack, pick up a piece of fruit or some ham and cheese slices. Later in life he also figured out how to clear his own plate! He also understood the cook was off on Sundays, he took the family out for dinner.
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When my friends mum had a triple bypass her father as you say of "old school" couldnt boil an egg! my friend and his sister made his dinners everyday then if they couldnt do it they got meals on wheels 3 times a wk a free service here? I know i just couldnt let my mum not eat so i would probably call in and make sure she has at least one good meal a day infact mum only eats one healthy meal a day as shes never hungry during the day but her doc said one good meal a day is fine!
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I appreciate how tricky this one is. Logic dictates that if he's hungry enough he'll fix himself something, even if it's only fresh air on toast. The gremlin poking your ear is the one pointing out that he's not necessarily logical, ergo that thought process might not occur to him, ergo you're responsible for making sure he eats.

Meh, it's still a grey area. Even three times a week… ok not ideal… any real harm, to the extent that he'd be starving and unable to speak up about it? No. On the other hand, how long does it take to fix him a chicken sandwich?

No don't feel guilty. Sort out something that suits you, otherwise don't worry about it.
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Thank you everyone for the good answers! Its so hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes. Great idea for the grandkids, I love it. And it is the generation, he expects everyone to be at his beck and call and acts so entitled, no matter where we go. He will not do anything for himself and takes over my sisters house, which as you can imagine with 8 people already there is no mean feat! But he manages to take over most of the main living areas with his books, iPad, cigarettes, water/bourbon, tissues, briefcase, etc. It's pretty incredible.
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My concern here is for the sister. She may have some sort of depression if she can't take care of the family. She needs help, and soon.
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I agree your sister needs help with her household. Grandpa may well be eligible for some in home health care that would certainly help you and your sister. You should seriously think about calling senior services for an evaluation or get a referral from his doctor.

He would be smoking his cigarettes outside at my house. Unhealthy for everyone in the house. There are just so many healthy snacks to have in the house available for grandpa that he could certainly feed himself.
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MEALS ON WHEELS
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Pamstegman and littletonway, I imagine my sister is depressed as she doesn't get a lot of help, however, she is always on the go and has 3 jobs, plus all the kids activities and she does a great job with her kids. As for the smoking, dad does smoke outside and has taken over my sister's beautiful back porch with the ashtray & his various items. I think many of you are right, its that the generation is used to being waited on and the comfort of the man comes before anyone else's needs. Still, he wants to live alone and then we're back to the downhill slide of not taking care of himself properly and then he'll get sick again. I know I'm off topic now, I apologize. I may have made it worse as I took care of him the first 3 months of this & I made breakfast & dinner, plus had individual snacks such as cut up watermelon prepared in disposable bowls so he could just grab one from the fridge & a dish of healthy snacks by his TV chair that I replenished daily. In the beginningof his illness, the goal was to get him to gain weight, so anything he asked for I made, just trying to get him well, but now its gotten out of hand as he won't do a thing for himself, which leads us to the original issue of not fixing himself a thing to eat.
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Also, we did have home health and he refused the aide that would do meals and bathing. I also had a lady who would shop for him and cook meals for a week and he fired her as well. Thus guys really got our number, doesn't he?
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terrygma, cigarettes? Even if you can get him to smoke outside, the smoke smell will follow him into the house as it will be on his clothes, in his hair, on his hands, in his lungs, on the bedding, in his closet, etc. I would not allow that no matter how much I loved someone.

Second hand smoke can cause all different types of cancers in people who never smoked. It's not a wise thing to do with grandchildren around [no matter if they are now teens or young adults still at home].
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Freq flyer we hear you. Getting him to quit is the hard part. What should we say? You can't stay here if you smoke? Go back to your house at 5000 feet and go back on your oxygen( yep, that's an entirely other issue) and have no one to care for you at all and probably die because no ones looking out for you? Which is the condition he was found in 4 months ago, very sick, trash & old food piled everywhere, barely breathing, dehydrated and so thin. So I ask you, what can we do? He also refuses a nursing home and we are not heartless enough to force him.
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Your house - your rules. Your sister's house - her rules. By the way, how old is your Dad?

The fact that your Dad would need to use oxygen if he went back to his own home tells me his smoking has already caused a medical issue. Since quitting is out of the question [according to him] could he switch over to a pipe which would be less harmful to the rest of the family?

Since he is around his young grandchildren, even though he is smoking on the porch, children have small lungs and it is quicker for them to develop smoke related health issues than that of an adult. He wouldn't want to be the root cause of one of grandchildren becoming quite ill from his smoking. Saying something like that could tug at his heartstrings and make him think twice about smoking. Or maybe not.

Oh my gosh, there isn't anything "heartless" about putting a love one into independent/assistant/continuing care.... it's for their own health and well being if they cannot manage on their own. Sounds like your sister already has a lot on her plate with her busy family, plus working 3 jobs. And it wouldn't be fair for you to take on all the care. Remember, this is durable at the moment, but it will become worse later on to a point of being around the clock care.
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What JG and CM said. Chicago has a point too, though. I do think the generation thing has something to do with the expectations some of the elderly have...

It is tricky. For me, it would have just been easier and less hassle to fix something simple and quick for my mom rather than waste time and energy worrying for hours later about whether or not skipped meals were going to have consequences...

After awhile with my mom, for me anyway, it just boiled down to what route was shortest, sweetest and easiest in dealing with and caring for her.
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Sorry, I'm really late to this party...
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If one is able to open the door to go outside to have a smoke, use an iPad, etc. then that person should be able enough to open the refrigerator or pantry and find something to eat.

My Mom is finally trying to teach Dad to do some simple meals that he can handle, showing him how to use the vacuum, and how to use the washing machine, and when he makes a mess he has to clean it up himself.... Mom is 96 and Dad is 92. It's never too late.
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Sounds like my husband has moved in with you and your sister. The only difference being he does not smoke and if he is hungry and I am on strike he goes out to eat.
You can teach an old dog new tricks but it may not be worth the hassle. Offer him whatever you ar munching on healthy or not.
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Veronica.... sounds like my spouse... if I tell him I am tired of cooking he will say he will do the cooking, yeah for himself only :P
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Well he's able enough to do what he wants, but maybe lazy when it comes to what he needs. I have his medicines typed out on a paper, very simple to fill the weekly pill containers, but instead he leaves it out empty for my sister to do, so that goes along with the meals thing and not eating. Dad is 80 and yes there are lung issues, but at this point he won't listen. As for my house, my rules, his attitude is he is 80 f-ing years old and he can do whatever the hell he wants, just so you know what we're dealing with. Thanks again for listening and advising everyone!
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terrygma, oh my gosh, sounds like you have a 80 year old who is acting like he is 16 years old. Dr. Phil would say take away his cellphone, his computer, his TV, ground him, no friends can visit, etc. until he learns to live under your roof the way a civil person should. Oh well, the idea is good but I don't think it would work on an 80 year old :(

For the sanity of both your family and your sister's family, is there anyway your Dad can move into independent living where he can have his own apartment and where said complex has cleaning services? Then that way your Dad has free rein to do whatever he wants... smoking might be an issue so a place that allows smoking outside.
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It just dawned on me regarding the older generation.... men get to retire and do what they want.... but their wives/grown daughters still have to get breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table, do the vacuuming, dusting, bathroom cleaning, laundry, ironing, grocery shopping, plan the holidays, buy all the gifts, etc.... HELLO, when do the wives/grown daughters get to retire?
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What about freezing a couple individual servings on nights you do cook like stew or chili...he can warm in microwave.
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Ha! True freq flyer! When do we get a break? I'm reading a novel right now and one of the characters likes to say "men are the dessert, not the meat". I love it. But back to the subject, we have been to assisted living places which he says are great, then refuses to go. As for is he crying out for help? I don't think so, he is behaving just as he has for the past ten years or so. He has many health problems, but basically can feed, bathe, dress himself, run small errands(other issue, we don't want him driving) or go to breakfast with a friend, so he is better off than many I read about here. I guess you just can't teach an old dog new tricks and he's been allowed to behave this way so long, it won't change.
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terrygma, you can teach an old dog new tricks.... first you take away their recliner!!! There is something magical about those recliners that cause grown men to become glued to it :P

Growing up my Dad never had a recliner, I don't think they were around back then. It wasn't until he retired that he bought his first one.... now you can't pry Dad out of his recliner [well, he is 92]. Mom is 96 and has no recliner, she has her straight back wing chair, and she has twice the energy of Dad. Is there a correlation here?
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