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My dad has been falling a lot at his home and his dementia is getting worse. He is now in a rehab/nursing facility and looks very well. He wants to come home but the doctor says he does so much better there. When he is home I run to his house frequently to give him food and his meds. I cannot be there 24/7; it is completely draining me and I am getting so sick physically and emotionally. I have a brother who helps me a lot and a sister who does absolutely nothing. I don't know whether to leave him there or try to bring him home again. This is the third time he ended up in the rehab/nursing facility in a year. He does not quality for a 24/7 nurse at home.

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If your Dad is still able to be at home at all, he NEEDS to be. The nursing home staff will drain him of every ounce of desire to live...they do not want the patients to walk around if they are able to, they want them as drugged up as they can be so they stay in bed or too dazed to get up out of a chair to walk somewhere. You and your brother CAN handle the load if you work together. There are many people on this site that are alone in this, such as myself, and have no help from siblings whatsoever. I placed my Dad in a "rehab center" and they stole his ability to walk from him. He was to go there for rehab, occupational and physical therapy, he was able to walk somewhat when he got there, and immediately they placed an alarm on his bed to go off if he got up to go to the bathroom. I am suing the place because there were 4 bedsores on his body that I knew nothing about, don't do what I did, it is a horrible thing to have to carry around everyday knowing MY decision to place him in a nursing home, which cunningly neglected him, caused his eventual demise. It has been 5 years and I still miss him everyday. Please, please, if you HAVE to place him, roll him over and check hi body from head to toe every visit. AND , visit very often, everyday if possible. If he has dementia, he has no memories , no people he knows at the facility, in my opinion, at least at home, there are rooms, pictures, memories he can still hold on to. It's a hard road to travel taking care of a loved one, but NOBODY will take care of your loved one like YOU WILL.
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Hi, tweetie1016. Not an easy choice you are facing there. On the one hand, even though your Dad has asked about his release to home status, nothing in your sharing suggests that he is not doing ok otherwise. That, alone, is a blessing if you have found such circumstances in long-term care. May caregivers yearn for safe and ethical nursing home facilities for their loves ones. Before you decide whether to allow your Dad to return to his home, or not, you may want to think some more about the in-home circumstances you have described, where your Dad has fell more than once. If it has been a recurring health and safety issue for him, what is the likelihood that it will happen again? If it is more likely than not, then independent living may pose a direct threat to your Dad's health and safety. This is not to say or mean that he won't fall anyway if he is in a nursing home, but in a nursing home staff is better equipped and trained to manage and respond to resident falls. Unless you are a nurse, or allied health professional by trade or background, once your Dad starts falling again, you are simply a devoted daughter who is exhausted and already spreading yourself way thin as a part-time caregiver who worries about your Dad's safety when you are not around to supervise him in-home. Three rehab visits in a year may not sound like much to some caregivers, yet even one visit to a rehab facility in a year is emotionally and physically draining for the patient and just as much for a family member who is the primary caregiver. Between your brother's support, your thinking about what would be the best care for your Dad at this stage of his life and declining health, and a nursing facility that seems to be the right environment for your Dad, your Dad may be in better shape than ever.

Still, I know it is hard. It is a decision I never want to have to face, but when or if the day comes for each of us, it is clear when a caregiver has done as much as he or she possibly can. Don't repress the painful emotions you are feeling at your Dad's current situation. The only way through painful emotions is to allow ourselves to feel. Nothing wrong with crying, and I say that from my heart and personal experience. Think it through as long as you need to and time allows, then do what feels right for you and best for your Dad. May God bless you both. I know you'll do the right thing. Your careful deliberation and sharing shows that you are not about to rush into anything for yourself, or your Dad. You are both fortunate to have each other. Keep sharing. Sometimes sharing helps us to make sense of where we are and where we may need to go.
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Never an easy choice and you only feel guity because you care. It sounds like you've thought it out and are doing what is best for your dad and you and your family. You gotta let the brain tell the heart that the move is what's best for all...you can still visit and take him out...
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First off" NOT" all nursing homes are the same. You must research them and see for yourself what they are like. I had the same decision to make 4 months back . Only thing is I had no support what so ever from my brother, and so the buck stopped with me. Did I feel guilty,yes,BUT I knew it was for the best. First off I couldn't provide 24/7 care for her,nor could I or her afford to pay for it. My Mom has mild dementia and other physical problems as well. Good luck and please don't feel guilty. I visit my Mom often and also bring her here for a few hours a week. It will be and ajustment for both of you.
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I placed my mother in an assisted living facility against her will and she was absolutely miserable and so was I. She hated me for placing her there. I didn't know what I was going to do but into her 5th week there she started to enjoy being with people and socializing....It took 5 weeks and now she is happier than she has been in at least 5 yrs........Luckily I found a facility that is very loving and caring...she now thinks all of the people living there are old friends.. It has made her life so much better than being home alone and I know she is now in a safe place...
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Does he really need 24-hour nursing care? If not, maybe you should considered a small assisted living facility or residential care home? It would be less "institutional" and may provide a home like setting. The ratio of caregiver to resident is usually better and there may be less staff turnover. The availability and cost vary depending on where you live. Best wishes and don't be so hard on yourself. You are trying to do your best!!
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DanielRomero,

I'm not sure we feel guilty only because we care. I think we feel guilty for placing someone in the nursing home because of what a loved one may have had us promise them about their senior years or programed us with enough fear and or obligation that if we do anything different from what we know or think they expect, of us. Sometimes, I think we feel guilty for having to swtch roles with our aging parent instead of taking the easy but less helpful route of relating to our parents as if we were a child again. Sometimes, the unthinkable solution is the only reasonable one there is to make. If you have done all that you can do, then all you can done is enough, and that is fine.
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Tell yourself this: He's doing well because he has full-time professional care. If you bring him home and he starts going downhill again, THEN you will feel more guilty because you "didn't do enough." Visit often and keep your eyes peeled. Use your nose as well as your eyes.
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The best way to not feel guilty is to stay INVOLVED in his care. So many have responded on how to check in on your Father, and to do it unannounced. These are good tips.

Get to know the staff and the volunteers. Tell them about your father, his likes, concerns, fears, HOBBIES, etc. The more they know about their charges, the easier their lives are.

Make sure you have some SAY in your fathers' care. If you are not his healthcare proxy, make arrangements to become it. If your father needs help, you can help him. Without it, the doctor only needs to deal with your father. If the facility has CARE PLAN meetings, attend them, or ask for one.

Stay involved, know the staff, ask questions about his care and your guilt will be lessened. Not all facilities are what they seem and some are better than others. Find out the 'rating' for the facilty your father is in, and if you see anything that raises your suspicions, talk to the proper personnel about what you saw.

God bless you and your father!
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I would say judge by what his doctor says and how bad his decline is. Can he live alone? Does he brush his teeth and bathe? Can he fix himself something to eat or take his meds properly. Perhaps a caregiver that comes at least 3 hours each day would be helpful? I have a caregiver that comes 4 days a week either 3 or 4 hours a day. It gives me peace of mind that someone is there taking care of food and bathing. I then have the ability to come over after work and then weekends to take up the rest of the caregiving. My mom could not really be by herself that much alone anymore. I am glad I started with a caregiver that came just 2 days a week in the beginning and now have expanded to 4 days. It also helps to have a gentle and quiet caregiver who wants to do a good job.
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