My dad has been falling a lot at his home and his dementia is getting worse. He is now in a rehab/nursing facility and looks very well. He wants to come home but the doctor says he does so much better there. When he is home I run to his house frequently to give him food and his meds. I cannot be there 24/7; it is completely draining me and I am getting so sick physically and emotionally. I have a brother who helps me a lot and a sister who does absolutely nothing. I don't know whether to leave him there or try to bring him home again. This is the third time he ended up in the rehab/nursing facility in a year. He does not quality for a 24/7 nurse at home.
I find it hard to manuever around here on this site sometimes, especiallly without my three cups of am coffee!! Its 4am here where I am in Florida and already up and starting my day!!!! I wish I had the time to sleep in and not have to make luches for hubby, worry about moms medicaid, and just in general go on a freaking vacation!!!!! I need one bad, also take a look at my profile its under susant8403
Get to know the staff and the volunteers. Tell them about your father, his likes, concerns, fears, HOBBIES, etc. The more they know about their charges, the easier their lives are.
Make sure you have some SAY in your fathers' care. If you are not his healthcare proxy, make arrangements to become it. If your father needs help, you can help him. Without it, the doctor only needs to deal with your father. If the facility has CARE PLAN meetings, attend them, or ask for one.
Stay involved, know the staff, ask questions about his care and your guilt will be lessened. Not all facilities are what they seem and some are better than others. Find out the 'rating' for the facilty your father is in, and if you see anything that raises your suspicions, talk to the proper personnel about what you saw.
God bless you and your father!
I'm not sure we feel guilty only because we care. I think we feel guilty for placing someone in the nursing home because of what a loved one may have had us promise them about their senior years or programed us with enough fear and or obligation that if we do anything different from what we know or think they expect, of us. Sometimes, I think we feel guilty for having to swtch roles with our aging parent instead of taking the easy but less helpful route of relating to our parents as if we were a child again. Sometimes, the unthinkable solution is the only reasonable one there is to make. If you have done all that you can do, then all you can done is enough, and that is fine.
Still, I know it is hard. It is a decision I never want to have to face, but when or if the day comes for each of us, it is clear when a caregiver has done as much as he or she possibly can. Don't repress the painful emotions you are feeling at your Dad's current situation. The only way through painful emotions is to allow ourselves to feel. Nothing wrong with crying, and I say that from my heart and personal experience. Think it through as long as you need to and time allows, then do what feels right for you and best for your Dad. May God bless you both. I know you'll do the right thing. Your careful deliberation and sharing shows that you are not about to rush into anything for yourself, or your Dad. You are both fortunate to have each other. Keep sharing. Sometimes sharing helps us to make sense of where we are and where we may need to go.
While I'm not a therapist, I do suggest people get help with their feelings of guilt when they find themselves overwhelmed or imobilized by it.
I hope this helps.