How to overcome guilt with moving mom to nursing home?

Do you believe in your heart that this is best care for her? Is she safer? Then it is a good decision and in her best interest. As long as you’re working to do the best for her, you’re doing a good job. Take a moment and consider her future, she won’t be able to stay at home then anyhow. Moving is hard! And let’s be real, no one is happy about the whole situation. Keep doing the best you can for her. It’s best to make the move sooner than later. Less confusion and more ability to adjust. Hopefully she will be able to age there too, so you can avoid another move. You still will have plenty of work to do, so it isn’t like you are washing your hands of her care. From what you wrote, you are putting her safety first and that’s doing the best for her. Good job!

Your “care” of your mom does not end just because you placed her. When I placed my mom, I was still her advocate, watching over, to be sure she received good care, visiting, taking her special treats. I found I still was watching over her, I just had other folks to help carry the load.

Just because you are unable to keep your Mum at home does not mean you do not love her. When the disease progresses, it will be hard to be there for her 24/7 on your own and that will make you feel more guilty if things go wrong. Better to prevent an accident than to be overcome by a false guilt of not caring. Hope you feel better.

You are not alone in your situation. There are so many people going through the same thing. We also worked opposite shifts so my MIL wouldn’t be alone. She lived with us for 8-9 yrs. Taking care of her was definitely one of the hardest things we ever did. It takes a toll on you mentally, physically and emotionally.
She is now in a memory care facility and is finally adjusting. It took her 2 months though and it was very stressful for us because she would beg us to take her home.

God bless you for all you have done.
Sharon

sunflwrluv: As no one person is superhuman, your mother now requires the care of many in a nursing home lest two people (you and your DH=Dear Husband) fall over from exhaustion.

Nothing prepares anyone for caregiving. It’s hard! So don’t blame yourself. Caregiving can also wreck your health—physically, mentally and emotionally. Life would be a lot harder for her if you couldn’t be a part of her life because you were incapacitated.

What you can do is find the very best place for her. The Medicare.gov website lists nursing facilities in your area and rates them for a number of factors. Look for one that has four or five stars overall. It might not be the closest but you want the best. There were a number of nursing facilities closer to my niece but it was worth the thirty minute trip to know her dad got excellent care.

I also recommend going out to see her frequently. You’ll feel better as she will, and when family visits a loved one often the staff will understand there’s an extra set of eyes. The staff at my brother’s nursing facility always thanked us for coming to visit. Some cried when he died.

My mom is currently suffering from Alzheimer's and had become a danger to herself and to my husband and me so she was placed. I found an even better place and will be moving her soon. Recently she had a rare day where she was quite lucid so I told her she would be moving to a memory care facility where one of her lifelong friends is a resident in the assisted living building on the same property. She gave me a huge, genuine smile and said she thought she would like that. Of course she does not remember this conversation and another attempt to somewhat prepare her resulted in her being unsure but on a day where lucidity was not as present as before. (she asked what my deceased father thought about that idea and whether he would live alone). I reassured her and she settled. I am leaning on that lucid day though where she appeared to be truly happy to live near her friend again. I don't feel guilty, I didn't make her sick and I did not do this for any reason other than it is the best option for BOTH of us. She will have more activities and social interaction than I can possibly ever offer her. I will still see her frequently but they will keep her safe and happy. She has always been extremely social and at our house she was isolated while I worked.

You feel guilty because you’re human, if you had no empathy you would not feel guilty.
I just placed my Dad in an assisted living facility. Yes, he has dementia but at this point and time he is higher functioning. I toured 15 different facilities and 4 board n care facilities.
The one I chose which I toured an additional 3 times, to see how residents were( Happy, engaged, entertained, feed well, outside court yards, walking paths) how many staff members at different times of days, how happy and loving were the staff. Also the place we chose has a memory care, so if and when he advances to that point it will be semi seamless to make that move. When we did the assessment with facilities I was honest with what my father’s needs are and what level of care I expected for the care package.
Yes, I really spent extra time finding the right fit for my Dad because like you,I was feeling guilty. It has taken a toll on my husband and my relationship.
My Dad first day was the 27th I brought him for a tour two weeks before and showed him his future studio. We decorated it nicely with all his special things. We got there I sat him down with another gentleman having lunch introduced telling him this was Dads first day meanwhile I went up to his room bringing his toiletries and other items. Went back downstairs to bring him up to his decorated studio, showed him where all his things were all while leaving the studio door open. He had four other residents as well as his new lunch friend and 10 staff members come in and greet him and introduce themselves.
The next day I returned at 10:30 to drop a couple items off that I had forgotten. I found him down the hall at the craft , game room playing games with four women and one man and a staff member. Smiling and laughing I said hello I’m dropping some items off gave him a kiss dropped off came back gave him a hug and kiss and said goodbye.
It was a great decision for him and us. It may not take this quickly for some folks it usually takes a month or so, it’s finding the right facility that fits them and the best facility that puts your fear to rest.
I still plan on regular visit and playing games and special events as well as stopping by for a quick tuck- in and a kiss good-night😘.

In a perfect world, no one would have to rely on others to care for them. There would be no need for nursing homes.

Unfortunately, there is no utopia.

Ask yourself this, ‘If I needed around the clock care, would I desire to have a complete staff looking after me or would I prefer to burden a family member to care for me?’

I know how I would answer this question. I would choose the nursing home over being a burden to my family.

I raised my children to be independent and I would never want to take their independence away from them so they could care for me.

I cared for my mother too. I took her into my home after she lost her home in hurricane Katrina. So, I know how difficult this situation is for you.

My mother died in a lovely ‘end of life’ hospice care home. One of the last things she said to me was that she was glad that she was no longer a burden on her children.

My mother was extremely appreciative of the wonderful nurses and aides that took care of her. She died peacefully at age 95.

Please don’t feel guilty. The most important thing is that your mother receives care. That care doesn’t have to come from you directly.

Being an advocate for your mom is equally as important as doing the work yourself. You will be a wonderful advocate for your mother because you care about her well being.

Some people think that it takes strength to hold on. It takes real strength to let go. Most of the time, letting go of the hands on care is the best choice for everyone involved.

Wishing you peace as you go through this transitional time in your life.

Transitioning is always uncomfortable in the beginning. After all is said and done, you will ask yourself, why didn’t I decide to place my mom sooner.

I also feel guilty about putting mom in memory care against her wishes. But therapy helped me deal with it and my rational mind is convinced I did the right thing. She was a danger to herself and others living at home and used to throw out the caregivers and cook herself. She also jammed a knife in a socket and knocked out the electric system and nearly killed herself. She has vascular dementia.

Yes I did too, I still do. My daddy has been gone for three years my mama 15 and I continue to say to myself could I have... would it have... and the answer is always the same... NO it would not have. But I feel guilty! yes! You have a great support system your husband and us. Don't be afraid to say that you feel guilty because we do and know that we support you! Its hard - we, as family, need to know that they are safe not only for themselves but for others. When my mama was ill she refused to go to a facility and made us promise this and that... well six months after my mama passed away I was still having PTSD during the night - hearing her cry out YIKES! My daddy was 6'2" and 260LBS I could not handle him. So he went to a facility. He hated it but I knew that was the safest thing for the both of us - physically. When my daddy was in a facility - I, POA, would not let anyone take him out of the facility - they wanted to take him to lunch or a day trip and I said no. He was too big and willful. I told family - bring him lunch, a treat, talk to him, let him tell his stories whatever but you are not taking him from the facility. It worked and yes guilt still haunts me but I have to tell myself what would have happened if... that gets me through that feeling and I can go on. Blessings to you and know we are here for you! hugs

I moved my mom to MC a month or so ago. Scariest thing I have ever done. Anxiety, guilt, fear were consuming me. But I think like most things in life that scare us, the anticipation was much worse than the execution. It took a couple of weeks but my mom adjusted. My mom is doing so much better! I have to pinch myself because I can't believe it. Being able to be her daughter again, rather than her caretaker feels so right. I am much less stressed so I am able to enjoy my time with my mother again. Maybe we just lucked out with this MC? Just follow your gut not your guilt or fear. It is really nice on the other side.

*Disclaimer - my mom is obviously still very sick and it is sad to see most of the other residents and know that my mom is going to decline eventually and she won't be able to communicate or go to dinner with me or laugh with me but overall it is the best place for her and that is an amazing feeling.

You want them to be safe and taken care of. My mom didn’t want to be there at first at least for the first 6 months. Now she loves it because they do all kinds of activities with them and keep them busy. Where my mom is the nurses are great they take care of them very well. Not sure what nursing home your at but just remember they are there to help take of her and god is always in control of every situation. Just visit her a lot and pray for gods touch

Safety for your mom is the first concern. We are not responsible to make them happy. A good roof over their head, good food and safety is what my counselor taught me. My guilt is gone. My mom made friends, went to activities and now calls her dementia assisted living her “home”. It took some time for all of us to adjust. If a person lives a long life ….AL or a nursing home may be our future. Good Luck. Get counseling if you need it. It was a lifesaver for me!

Do you want your mom to be safe?
Do you want her to have the care that you can not give her 24/7/365?
Making the decision to place someone in Memory Care, or in Skilled Nursing is not an easy decision. So when you come to that decision it is not a spur of the moment decision.
Taking care of someone with dementia is NOT easy.
You have no reason to feel "guilty"
You can feel Grief.
You can feel Sad.
You can feel Angry (at the disease, not at mom)
But please do not feel guilty.

Guilt isn't appropriate.
We cannot feel guilty about something unless WE CAUSED IT, and REFUSE TO FIX IT.
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix this.
Words are very important. Choose wisely what label you plaster onto your chest. The correct G-word here is GRIEF.
You are grieving. You are grieving her severe losses which will be continual until she loses the ability to know you you are, to know her own history, to eat and to swallow. You are grieving that you must stand witness to these losses.
It is a kind of hubris to think you can fix these things. Only a god could fix this. Only a miracle could fix this. In my own history of standing witness I have seen few godly interventions and no miracles. You aren't a Saint. You are a human being with limitations. Please embrace that, as your Mom would want you to.

I am so sorry.

You did not cause your mother to be old and get dementia. It is not your fault . You also can’t fix old or dementia .
You need to do what is best for all of you . You have decided that placing Mom is best, which I agree with since you are stressed and burnt , and Mom could get lost .

Mom may or may not understand due to her dementia. I used to tell my family members with dementia that “ the doctor says you have to live where there are nurses” . I’m sorry but there are no happy endings with this awful disease . Dementia is the worst and what you are feeling is grieving the mother that you knew before her illness .