Flozeman, I put mom in a nursing home about a month ago. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. And it tears your heart up. BUT....if you can separate your head from your heart you will know that it is the right thing to do. You can't do it all, not 24/7, not even 18/7. You have other responsibilities, your child and your husband need you to be there for them. Try to do it all, and nobody will get good care and you will ruin your health. Your mother will get better care from professionals who have walked the path many times and know how to care for her. There are so many of us on this site who have admitted their loved ones to nursing homes, and 99% of them will tell you not to feel guilty and they are 100% right. You are a caring person or you wouldn't be feeling like this. You know deep in your heart what is the right thing to do for everyone. We will be here for you to help you through this.
I perfectly understand your conflicting emotions, and hope you find some support to help you through this process. We are dealing with similiar circumstances and difficulties with our loved ones, who we've greatly struggled with over the years. For whatever reason, they weren't always there for us, either. No human being can perfectly meet all our needs, and some circumstances are harder than others. Sometimes our parents made choices that weren't in the best interests of themselves or their children, and everyone suffered for it. Forgiveness is key, though not easy. In our case, alcohol and prescription narcotics were involved, but so was mental illness. We can't change the past, but we can still exercise compassion and forgiveness without demanding restitution for things they cannot change. We can also ask for forgiveness, even when people are failing cognitively. I'm sorry you are struggling so. Will be praying for you, and hope you find the grace and support you need to complete the journey. Ask God to help you with the anger and forgiveness, and he will give you comfort and peace as well.
Flozeman, My Mom has been in a NH for 3 1/2 months and yes it was very hard leaving her there. She' 93 and all she did at home was sit--now she does several things, looks 90% better, roams the place and has even put on some weight on. The staff are all super and she has alot of friends her age--or close to it--try not to feel bad.
I had to put my father in a nursing home about two years ago, and recently his brother and sister too. I am the sole relative and I felt very guilty at first, but now am realizing how exhausted I would have been if I would have tried to care for them in my own home. I don't think they would've wanted that either. I am exhausted mentally and physically just going two to three times a week and worry about them when I'm not with them, so imagine how worse off I'd be and also them. My aunt was 81lbs. when she went into the nh and now has gained about l0lbs. and is on an anti-depressant and is much better off. My uncle and dad are also on anti-depressants for the first time in their life and I can tell a difference. Also, two of them are trying the aricept patch and giving that a try for dementia...we'll see. I'm so blessed to still have them in my life and feel happy each time I see them and have a bit more energy than I would have if they were living with me. Also, they seem to feel more independent and have more privacy.
That is a very good point. When they reach a certain point, you can't always give them the care that they may receive in a nh. When it gets to be 24/7, it does get very exhausting and hard on your back, lifting that dead weight. I pray that God will help us by giving us our answers when we have to make these hard decisions. When we put our worries in His hands, everything works out for the best. I'm so glad that I found this website because it also helps to know that we are not alone in this. There is always someone somewhere whose problems are bigger.
Yes, I agree with everything everybody has said about placing loved ones in a nursing home. They are so much better off. My sister adjusted beautifully, even though she calls it her apartment. She's been there 1 month tomorrow. Her roommate and her are about at the same point in their dementia, and are really cute. Coming back from lunch, neither one can find their rooms, (staff watches them, and so did we today) as today they were reading everybody's name near the door until they found their room......they watch after each other. My sister at 88 yrs. and unbelievably healthy except for this disease, so may be around for quite some time. Every nurse there said I did the right thing, as they can go home after 8 hours, and I couldn't:) It really wears your health down without you realizing it. I just got over an arthritic flare-up that put me flat out for 5 days....thank God for drugs that got me thru it. Hang in there, hopefully your guilt will leave when you see how well people really do in nursing homes.
Flozeman>>I also put my mom into a facility, as she was no longer able to handle things in her home. This move was very much backed up by her neurologist. She began with entering assisted living, and as her AD progressed, she was then in a dementia unit, and finally a nursing home. Personally I felt more at ease knowing she would receive the type of care she required, and it was also 24/7. I can understand the guilt feeling one would have with this transition, however on the flip side there was much more peace of mind. Have you considered assisted living? There is a lot of freedom that is offered as well as care...this perhaps would be an easier move, and in fact your Mom, if she gives it a chance, may just thrive with this new environment. Some of the addnissions staff may be able to help with the emotional part of this transition as well. It is a win win situatution for everyone involved.
Hi Bree, Have you spoken with your mom's dr about this problem? Perhaps you could enlist his help in getting the NH option going. I know there are often waiting lists if a person is medicaid qualified. My mom got in right away because she was private pay, but it is very expensive. You may need some legal advice re: the home issue. Is she ambulatory? Does she have home health care or need it? Perhaps getting some in-home sitters could buy you a little time away from her while you are trying to work NH placement out. IN any case, it sounds like you are at the end of your rope and when you reach that point you probably aren't the best person to care for your mom.
Wish I could give you some solid suggestions on how to do the physical move, but I think first you need to find a place for her and have everything set up. That won't happen overnight.
One Last Tip I would like to share: -I personally found a great deal of help, care, and compassion with an organization known as Hospice. They not only are there for the patient, they can offer support to the caretaker and the family involved. This organiztion, from what I have learned, is greatly under used. I encourgage that you see if your loved one does qualify for ther services. Keep in mind that Hospice, No longer means that one has limited time before they pass....Check out this agency in your area for more information, and see of your physician will reccommend you bring them on board.
I knew, absolutely knew I could not care for my loved ones in our home. I thank God for the nursing home that provides for their physical, medical, social and spiritual needs. It has been a sanity saver for us, and a blessing for even family who doesn't live there. The nurses are dedicated, personable, and caring, and meet needs we could not meet on our own. Is it a perfect solution? Is anything perfect? But we recognize our limitations, and choose to dwell on the positive. It has been rewarding, and has enriched our lives. We believe our loved one's lives are the better for making this decision. They have better health than we could have provided, greater stimulation and a variety of activities, great care from a variety of dedicated professionals who share in the Caregiving burden, and a built in social outlet. The benefits outweigh the negatives a thousand fold. (Not all nursing homes are the same.) We are so thankful, because we have been blessed.
I perfectly understand your conflicting emotions, and hope you find some support to help you through this process. We are dealing with similiar circumstances and difficulties with our loved ones, who we've greatly struggled with over the years. For whatever reason, they weren't always there for us, either. No human being can perfectly meet all our needs, and some circumstances are harder than others. Sometimes our parents made choices that weren't in the best interests of themselves or their children, and everyone suffered for it. Forgiveness is key, though not easy. In our case, alcohol and prescription narcotics were involved, but so was mental illness. We can't change the past, but we can still exercise compassion and forgiveness without demanding restitution for things they cannot change. We can also ask for forgiveness, even when people are failing cognitively. I'm sorry you are struggling so. Will be praying for you, and hope you find the grace and support you need to complete the journey. Ask God to help you with the anger and forgiveness, and he will give you comfort and peace as well.
She' 93 and all she did at home was sit--now she does several things, looks 90% better, roams the place and has even put on some weight on.
The staff are all super and she has alot of friends her age--or close to it--try not to feel bad.
Hang in there, hopefully your guilt will leave when you see how well people really do in nursing homes.
Wish I could give you some solid suggestions on how to do the physical move, but I think first you need to find a place for her and have everything set up. That won't happen overnight.
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