How can I deal with the guilt and exhaustion of putting my mother in nursing home?

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Exhausted caregiver trying to deal with guilt of having to put 85-year-old mother in a nursing home.

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Can really relate to that roller coaster ride, Bree. It's not a picnic, either! Three parent placements later...we learned the hard way on many things. What sounds good in print, isn't always practical for real life situations. And even with advice, things turned out different thank we anticipated. Some things are just out of our hands, especially when it's a battle of will between parent and adult offspring. Talk to ALF personnel for their advice...etc.
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Sometimes putting a picture on their or silk flower or something will help a resident fine their room easier.
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Hi txmaggie, and thank you so much for your advice..
Yes I may have to consider getting some type of sitter...
but once again , she doesnt really want anyone coming to help her...because there is nothing wrong.

You see the biggest thing I am dealing with is my reality ( her alzheimers) and her denial( shes fine)
Its a rollercoaster ride in hell.
mucho thanks!!

Check out my other post: https://www.agingcare.com/137386
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Hi Bree, Have you spoken with your mom's dr about this problem? Perhaps you could enlist his help in getting the NH option going. I know there are often waiting lists if a person is medicaid qualified. My mom got in right away because she was private pay, but it is very expensive. You may need some legal advice re: the home issue. Is she ambulatory? Does she have home health care or need it? Perhaps getting some in-home sitters could buy you a little time away from her while you are trying to work NH placement out. IN any case, it sounds like you are at the end of your rope and when you reach that point you probably aren't the best person to care for your mom.

Wish I could give you some solid suggestions on how to do the physical move, but I think first you need to find a place for her and have everything set up. That won't happen overnight.
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Hello all.
I am a 42 yr old only child, who is trying to do everything for a mom who has alzheimer and is getting worse and worse.
I am being verbally abused ...this afternoon I bawled for hours. I have always been a victim of verbal abuse...now its amplifiede.I have no help , no family....I have depression --i was doing well for 9 years, I fought for my health back, but this has made me fall back ..i am feeling ill and depressed. My emotions are torn up.My momz and I were sooooooooo close, she was a battered wife ( and abused child) who protected me much of my life. We where each others back up...now shes turning into my enemy. She gets so enraged when I tell her shes forgotten something, she calls me a liar, she cusses me, she threatens me...PHYSICALLY...and has attacked me...scratched me in the face....I was a cheerful , positive person in the past year....I had to be to live through all of the tradgedys I have...NOW i am sad and alone.( friends have abannoned me)I have made a new friend here however!( smile) I know I must do something ...and fast...I can barely make it through a day( around her).

I just cant seem to do anything but take the abuse and cry ( and loose my health) over it.
Why cant I just wake up , and put her in a assisted living home?nO ONE CAN HAVE THAT MUCH GUILT?!
I dont want to let myself...sacrafice myself....does that make sense? Even though I know it will be the best for both of us.
Someone here said "you have to go with your mind...not what your heart says"

I know it will be world war 3...shes told me, she will physically fight me like a pit bull. AND SHE WILL.

How do I get someone like that in a home? she will be nice to everyone there however!!!! Shes sooooooooooo kind and considerate to everyone else- NOT ME.

She has accused me of trying to steal her home ( which is also mine-joint ownershp) her money, she seems to hate me for no reason at times. AND I AM THE ONLY IDIOT HERE , WITH HER TRYING TO HELP HER!!

I'LL BE HAPPY FOR ANY ENCOURAGING WORDS OF ADVICE.
Thank you guys!
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I clean my Moms dentures each time I visit.
Maybe if you try telling her that she has denture odor--she'll let you clean them--good luck.
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stick to your "gut feelings" and confer with the head nurse or the adminsistrator or social worker if you don't get anywhere. You are right to ? if it's sores under her dentures. Maybe a little bribery would work too. Tell her you'll give her anything she wants to drink, if she takes her dentures out first....keep us updated.....
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Hi all, I have a new problem with Mom, well I guess not new. Anyway she has always refused to take out her dentures so the home can clean them, we did get them out only a few times. Well Mom like I said has stopped eating altogether now and I am just wondering if maybe she could have sores under her plate. They have not been out of her mouth for some time now. Well tonight the aide and I tried to get them out and she would have no part of it. We are looking into hospice because she has not eaten in weeks, and we thought it was the dementia (which it could be), but then I had this thought that maybe it's her dentures that are giving her problems. AM I FOOLING MYSELF??? I DON'T KNOW. She will take anything to drink but not eat. I am going crazy over this. She is a very bullheaded person and I don't know how to get these darn dentures out. I called the head nurse tonight and left a message to try to get them out tomorrow, that I was not going to sign any papers for hospice until I know there are no sores under her plate. She is 93. Any advise????? Thank you.
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Dear dtntry,

I perfectly understand your conflicting emotions, and hope you find some support to help you through this process. We are dealing with similiar circumstances and difficulties with our loved ones, who we've greatly struggled with over the years. For whatever reason, they weren't always there for us, either. No human being can perfectly meet all our needs, and some circumstances are harder than others. Sometimes our parents made choices that weren't in the best interests of themselves or their children, and everyone suffered for it. Forgiveness is key, though not easy. In our case, alcohol and prescription narcotics were involved, but so was mental illness. We can't change the past, but we can still exercise compassion and forgiveness without demanding restitution for things they cannot change. We can also ask for forgiveness, even when people are failing cognitively. I'm sorry you are struggling so. Will be praying for you, and hope you find the grace and support you need to complete the journey. Ask God to help you with the anger and forgiveness, and he will give you comfort and peace as well.
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I am now watching my Mother slowly leaving me and I feel so helpless. She is in a nursing home but will be going on Hospice care this week. Today was the first day I saw her almost falling over in her chair and her wonderful aide told me that she feels they should lay her down again. She has not eaten in days, she does drink some. She was just so weak today. I am feeling alot of guilt because when she was well I said some things I shouldn't have, I guess I was down right mean to her at times. I was always angry with her because she always put me second to the bars and good times. Then when all her bar friends drifted away then I became good enough for her. she has said and done some bad things to me and my family and I just always found it hard to forgive her. So when she became dependant on me to take her here and there I just flew off the handle and would say things like " fine, I will take you but where were you when I needed you"? One time I tried to tell her how I was feeling and she said "why don't you write a dam book and I will be the first to buy it and burn it. Then when my Son was born she told our neighbor "great, just what we need another kid in the family" It's things like this that I hated her for and I would yell at her and give her the cold shoulder. Now she is dying and I am feeling really bad about some of the things I said. But I have been taking care of her by myself for over 20 years and I have always been there for her. And I will continue to be there for her. I told her I loved her, even tho I have never heard those words from her. I AM JUST FEELING SO BAD FOR ALL THE THINGS I HAVE SAID AND DONE TO HER. I WAS JUST ALWAYS SO ANGRY AT HER FOR NOT SHOWING ME ANY LOVE GROWING UP, AND ALWAYS BEING IN THE BARS WHEN I NEED HER AT HOME TO HELP ME WITH HOMEWORK OR JUST BEING THERE. I WAS ALWAYS LEFT ALONE. THANK YOU FOR HEARING ME OUT.
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