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This forum saved my sanity, possibly my life. For nearly 20 years, after my father died, I was caregiver for my mother. She made nothing easy and our already difficult relationship became downright toxic. As she sank into dementia, I tried to keep my compassion. Love was harder. I think I loved my mother once, but I can't remember. When my father died, I felt like my heart was torn out. When my mother died, I was just numb. Now I am settling the estate and clearing out a huge jam packed house...attic to basement. It is filled with the possessions of my parents, their parents, a summer cottage, my late brother's house. As I went through boxes, I found things that reminded me of better times and I felt some sadness about my mother. Then I ventured into my father's workshop and just howled with grief. I don't know if it's common to lose love as a caregiver. I sure still miss my father more than my mother. I am still receiving condolences for my mother and I feel fake.

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I think if there's unmended wounds, then you're going to feel sorry about it. But really you shouldn't, else it eats you up.
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Of course it is normal to grieve more for one than the other. If one was more loving and kinder and you had a better relationship, then you will feel worse when that person is lost. You are not being fake - you are being normal as a human being. I am so sorry you are suffering so much. Never waste your time grieving for anyone who hurt you and made you miserable - they aren't worth it.
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Both my 90 yr old parents are still living, but I know I will miss my Dad more when he dies than my overwhelming mother and her excessant demands. But if I think about it, I think my father has made peace with his life and accepts death coming whereas my mother seems to be petrified and angry at the same time. I Can understand and am patient with her.
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I agree with the others who said it's typical to miss one parent more than another. I think during the care-giving process for someone with cognitive decline we tend to grieve for them daily as they slip away. We mourn each piece of them as it goes and by the time their body dies they haven't really been there in a very long time.
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I think caregiving alone, made me lose love for my mother. That’s why, in some ways, I don’t think I would have my children caregive me when I got older. It takes away a lot of grief when they die, almost becoming a relief, that’s not how I want it to be for me..(if I had kids).

In some ways, this is an honorable thing to do, but it does have its disadvantages.
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I doubt if there is anyone in the world who loves their parents equally. My parents were divorced when I was 13, and I had never been close to my traveling salesman Dad. When he had a heart attack and died at age 63, I was surprised but did not feel real grief as we had had some tough moments in our relationship over the years (he was a lay Baptist preacher and I was and am an agnostic; plus he wasn't around much). My mother died of cancer at 80, only a few weeks after her diagnosis. That was a shock as well, and she and I had been very close. In many cases it almost seemed like I was the mother advising her. My sister, almost 9 years my junior, came along after two male children had died in infancy, and my mother always resented the fact that she was a girl. Worse still, she let my sister know it! The point is, every parent-child relationship is different. Parents don't necessarily love all their children equally, and children certainly feel differently toward their parents.
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Your feelings are natural and please do not have guilt feeling because you cared more for one than the other parent. You are lucky to have good memories, whatever they may be for one parent or another.
You did not stop caring for your mother, even through the hard time with her. You were there, you did the best you could for her, under the circumstances. In grief, take as much time as you need and forgive eventually, then moved on and live your life to the fullest. Most importantly, take special care of yourself. Your doing great!
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My mother is still alive and we had a very difficult relationship my entire life and being her caregiver makes a lot of old emotions and resentments rear their heads again. My dad was my world and upon his death I had a nervous breakdown that had me in shatters for a long time. Four years later I’m finally starting to grow my backbone back.

After years of resenting and even even hating my mom, I’ve come to realize we have a different type of love. She told me for the first time in 40 years that she loved me and all I could wonder was what type of manipulative statement or agenda she had for saying that.

It is alright to have two different types of love for each of your parents and you are perfectly normal to feel the difference in grief. I see so much of myself in your post and so much of the survivors/caregiver guilt I allow myself to have. Be strong and know that you are not alone in what you are feeling; but remember most of all to love yourself and congratulate yourself in your ability to be the caregiver you were to your mom. I wish I could reach out and physically give you a hug. You are amazing.
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I can relate to this somewhat, because I never had a close relationship with my mother, so it isn't that I miss her, as much as I grieve that we were never close as other mothers and daughters are. My mother was quite attached to her own mother, but for whatever reasons (part of it, no doubt, due to my mother being an alcoholic), she and I were not. We never did those mom-daughter things when I was growing up like shopping together, going out for lunch, etc.

As for my dad, he and I were closer, but once I was a married adult, my dad was more interested in spending time with his buddies than with his family. Once he went into an assisted living facility, I looked after things like his bills for him. I still feel tremendous guilt that I didn't visit him more than once a week. There wasn't much conversation, although he apparently complained to his visiting nurse that we didn't come to see him enough. When I was there, he would sit and watch boring old TV shows the entire time.

He wanted to come to our house and for us to take him places, but he was in a motorized wheelchair and it was not possible for him to come to our house. Also, he was reckless in that thing, and would frequently run into things or get one wheel off the ramp of his van. The only time we took him out to eat was when my brother was in town, so that my husband and my brother could deal with the occasional off-the-ramp issues. There again, I feel guilty that I didn't find some way to get him out of the facility more often.

Whenever a parent dies, there are always mixed emotions, whether you had a good relationship or a bad one. The parent-child relationship is full of land mines, and it's always complex because they are so much a part of who you are.

Being a Christian, I take my guilt and my sorrows to God. I'm not as at peace about the past as I should be, but I'm working on it. Praying that you find peace, too.
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JesusLove1976 Jun 2019
Precious Lord, bless your holy majestic name that peace belongs to okiegranny today, peace that surpasses all understanding, is hers right now in your mighty and powerful everlasting name, and right now, Lord, all guilt I bind to you and I set her free with your authority by sealing into her perfect peace and joy, joy and peace the Enemy cannot have, by the force of the Blood of Jesus and ablazed with Holy Fire, for in your name she shall never again second guess herself or feel guilt and grief again in your holiest of man, Jesus, our Lord and Saving Grace! Amen!
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I am a middle child but my Daddy and I were very close, Mom not so much most of my life! I wanted the Love and affection that my siblings had and feel that I never got it! I was the on who ended up caring for both of them. My Dad was so easy going even though the dementia finally took him. Mom was angry and accusing and of course the other two were right there with her! My brother was POA and put her ina care facility, she blamed me in the end, I spent more time with her even though she was 250 miles from me than my brother who was 10 mi. After her passing, I have put her on a pedestal and cant seem to get her off of it! Im conflicted because she does not deserve to be there, my memories of my Dad have faded in the background because of it! i cant stop obsessing with her! I think it is wishful thinking trying to feel the Love that she never gave!
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OkieGranny Jun 2019
Ditto here. I still grieve for the lack of a relationship with my mother.
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As you didn't do hands on care for your dad therefore his pre-death was not as in your immediate life so your grief blossomed when he died [even if you knew he was very ill]- but with your mom, by doing hands on care, your life was effected continually but you were also doing much more pre-grieving as she lost milestone after milestone [the reverse from watching a child develop] -

This is probably hard wired into the human brain in a way to help us survive an inevitable loss of a close family member who has a life ending illness - at least I believe this to be true because I too felt some of the same as mom had dementia for years, but was in a NH, as I saw her losing her milestones
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You gave care to your Mom for years. I am into year one of having to provide not physical care, but care for my brother in assisted living to the extent I am power of attorney and trustee of trust. This changes relationships. You went from daughter of your Mom to nurse and mother of your Mom. There have been times my 85 year old brother and I have sunk into argument when we have spent our entire lives as he being my big brother and the boss when we are together, to me having to do things for him he once was capable of and is now angry not to be. At one point I got angry and then said to my partner that it is so much easier to be angry than to hurt about it all. Hurt for him. Hurt for me. For 20 years you gave care and were hurt for her, hurt for you, losing your Mom, becoming a caregiver. After it was over you returned to see in the memories you sifted through who you all were "in another life". Hon, both are REAL. You all WERE those wonderful folks with all those memories, and you were also those wonderful folks facing down the pain and confusion of the end of life. DO remember the good. And do forgive yourself and your Mom for what was so hard at the end. And 20 years of caregiving? You don't have a thing to kick yourself over.
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I think it's a reflection of the relationships we had/have before slipping into the roles of caregivers. I think about this from time to time, know the guilt I am likely to feel no matter what happens. Many in my life have lost their parents and those that have reflect on their loss, the good relationships they recall, and think of me as being lucky or blessed and some tell me I will miss them when they are gone. I suspect the same to some extent...but there are moments when I'd like the opportunity LOL. Caregiving, patience, they do not come easy and thrown that on top of a life-long antagonistic relationship. Also, you mention getting condolences...what else can you do but be polite, say thank you and put a pre-written note in the mail and they will think you're still grief stricken (and you are!) and not up to writing notes. Many people see my father as a good-natured, fun loving guy, and tell me how lucky I am...but they are totally clueless as to the exhaustion I experience and the load I am carrying to meet his demands and needs along with my mother who has dementia. You're not fake. You're very real and they are very clueless.
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Loved all the answers. I will be in the same situation when my toxic mother finally takes her leave. I am doing the very best I can for her and always will, but her death will not put me over the edge. I couldn’t grieve my father nor my two sisters’ deaths because of my care-taking role with my mother. It’s been a long, difficult journey with her. (8 yrs and counting with no end in sight). I used to feel guilty that I would not mourn her the way I want to mourn my dad and sisters, but it is what it is. I will be happy that she is finally reunited with everyone and I will leave it at that.
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Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses. I read them all three times because it helps so much to read other's experiences. I think it's true I didn't really get to grieve my father because caregiving started immediately. It certainly is true that I feel relief and maybe a little lost after all those years. It helps to remind myself that there is no one right way to feel. I do wonder if I will wake up in couple years suddenly missing my mother. Again thank you kind people for your compassion and understanding. It is not a journey that many people talk about.
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Rosyday,

Grief doesn't follow a timetable, or stages for that matter. Over the course mourning for my dear father, I never encountered "denial," "bargaining," or any of those stages you read about.

At first I felt relief, almost joy, that Dad's suffering was over. I knew he hated the pain, confusion, and disability of his last few weeks, and now he was free! The tears didn't come until the 3rd or 4th day when I realized my own loss, that I would never see my father again in this life. Now 2 years later, I feel sad sometimes. Sometimes I don't. On the second anniversary of his death, the grief ran over me like a freight train.

I don't have the same relationship with Mom. When she passes, I don't know how I'll feel. But whatever those feelings are, they'll be legitimate. They'll be real. They'll be mine. And they're all okay.

Allow yourself to grieve. Or not. Whatever your feelings are, embrace and accept them. Listen to them. Give them the respect they deserve, whether or not they "fit" your perception of how they "should" be. Most importantly: No guilt!
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I am sorry for your loss, it is a normal response to difficult relationships. It is hard to feel howling grief for anyone that made our lives difficult.

You are feeling numb right now and you were her caregiver for 2 decades, right now you are dealing with the release of the weight you have been bearing, relief most likely. IMO. I would be.

Be gracious to yourself and know that you gave her care and support while she needed it, now it's time to give yourself the same.

Enjoy the memories of happy events as you clear out all the stuff, it can be cathartic for you.
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So sorry for your loss
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Rosayday ; Hello I do beleive some of the anger is just plain normal part of greif ....but I also understand how hard it is to deal with dementia / Alzheimers pull my hair out! Its sad to see our Parents ,Aunts ,uncles decline and have to take care of them ...after all thats my mom ,aunt,dad whatever now I gotta do EVERYTHING for them !! Then you see other familys whos parents and everyome is healthy mentally with it! Not that we JELOUSE just its a big role reversal ...and caregiveing a person with alzheimers ,dementia is trying! So of course itll be somewhat a numbing relief ..
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You were a caregiver for 20 years.
That changes the dynamic a lot and I am sure you saw her decline in those years. Every time we see and have to deal with a decline we mourn the loss. We loose bits and pieces day by day, month by month so it is much different than when we get a phone call one day and hear ..your Mom had a stroke and died before they got her to the hospital...your dad was killed in an accident. Those are blows because we did not expect, we could not prepare for.
As for the numbness that will ease and you will find yourself grieving for her as well. As to going into your Dad's workshop....if you started caring for your Mom right after his death you truly were not able to mourn that loss it is now catching up.
Take things one by one. If it pains you stop for a while. This is new grief so do not rush things. If a box has been sitting there for 20 years another few months will not change things.
It is also do some care-giving for yourself! If you can, take a little vacation if you can't at least step away form everything for a little while
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The circumstances of my mother’s death and my father’s death were totally, completely different.

After I married, DH and I had fertility troubles and thought we’d never have a child. After 3 pregnancy losses, I had a beautiful healthy baby.

Two and a half weeks after his birth, my father went to his garden to plant his asparagus, and dropped dead. I was totally inconsolable for 2 1/2 years, and to this day over 3 decades later experience guilt, grief, and remorse almost as fresh as the day he died.

My mother had a stroke at 85 and rehabbed herself to continue to live by herself until at 89, she fell and broke her hip. After a trial (unsuccessful) of living with me, we placed her in a nearby residential care center where she lived comfortably until her sweet and peaceful death a few days short of aged 95.

My dad was my anchor. My mom was a difficult but fiercely loving woman, to whom I became much closer following my dad’s death.

I grieved them very differently. I cherish memories of them both. I am grateful for them both. I feel no guilt at all about the different aspects of grieving them.
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When my father (who aren’t in heaven) died, my sisters and I more or less cheered. Any sadness I had was for a wasted life that made other people miserable. I still miss my mother.

If people offer their condolences for your mother’s death, just say ‘thank you’. You don’t need to explain, and you don’t need to feel guilty. With luck, as time passes the recent difficult times will fade, and the happier memories from early on will be bigger in your mind. Best wishes, and I hope you survive the miserable ‘clearing out’ time as best you can.
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anonymous840695 Jun 2019
Margaret, we're both responding to posts at the same time, must be kizmut.
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Oh gosh. I think you are allowed to feel what you feel for whatever reasons. My father passed over 40 years ago and I grieved and still miss him. Mother passed last December. She was a difficult, (toxic as you say) person and hard on me all my life. I don't miss her at all, and my grief for her is very blunted and atypical. A few weeks ago my only niece passed and I am grieving for her as I have grieved for other family members. To me what you are going through is perfectly normal, considering the relationships. Please don't feel guilty. ((((((hugs))))
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