Guilt over traveling. Any tips?

Is your guilt coming from fear that your dad will die while you're in Italy enjoying yourself? Is it coming from the fact that you can still travel and he can't? Recognize that your guilt is irrational. Enjoy Italy. Go with exuberance and anticipation that you will share your pictures and stories with your dad when you get back. Send him lots of postcards. Put one in the mail every day. They may arrive after you're back but won't he be tickled when he starts getting them and you'll have even more to talk about.

The OP has come and gone from her trip to Italy already since it's the 21st of September now.

How was your trip Mariavictoria? Wonderful, I hope.

My late husband and I put off many things to care for my MIL (when she lived with us for 16 months at the beginning of her dementia) and then for 2-1/2 years while she was in a nearby memory care. She lived to be 95-1/2 and collapsed/lost consciousness while my husband was visiting her one day at lunchtime. She subsequently died that afternoon.

He dropped dead (literally) 7 months and 12 days later. That was 3 1/2 years ago. I was left with many, many tasks that were put off...and travel plans we had that I will likely never pursue.

Do not wait to enjoy your own lives!

Check with the staff if they use hangouts or Facebook calling to have an occasional chat. Staff should be used to this if they used media during COVID quarrantine. You have to be available at scheduled times.

I do agree. Ensure your loved one well cared for, and then live your life. My ML mourned and wept every day after we told her our plans so we started to tell her day before we left, and told AL staff at same time. These lovely aides who adored this “ sweet tiny lady “ than rushed to comfort her. ML used our trip to get lots of attention.
We also either paid someone or ensured that mutual friends visited. We ensured she had all her supplies such as Depends, toilet paper, toiletries and her ginger ale loaded up and accessible.
Sadly, she was not given her only grandchild’s telephone number as she would then constantly call him weeping. Once , when my hubby, only child and also needing much care from me, in hospital in another city, she even asked her grandson to help her commit suicide which greatly upset him. He replied “ grandma I don’t have time now for that , I’m really busy at work now! “
I wish I had this forum when I was caring for her, I learned the hard way the lessons others recommend here.
I say she trained us and we trained her as I learned to set boundaries and try not to feel so guilty about that.
She lived to almost 99 and was only in poor health for a few weeks. She was a great role model by keeping herself, her body and brain and her apartment in great shape. However, she didn’t like to “ associate with old people” which limited her life, but was on antidepressants from age 25, and had pain from osteo.
Bottom line.: put on your own oxygen mask before you put on others.
Finally, thanks to her thoughtful planning, her funeral was pre planned and prepaid, so the AL office knew which funeral home was called just in case. Whether I was there or not, she would have lived a good life,

Learn to trust the people at the nursing home and enjoy the vacation.

Something my dad told me early last year: "You gotta live."

You posted on Sept 2 and today is Sept 8, so I’m hoping you’re in Italy, halfway through your vacation, occasionally thinking of your father, but thinking more about ordering another glass of wine with your amazing meal before immersing yourself further in Italian culture. Plan your next vacation when you get back. It’s something to look forward to.

Mariavictoria30: Go on your vacation. My DH and I made the mistake of NOT taking important number (anniversary and the like) vacations because 'Oh, my! What if my mother takes a turn for the worse/is ill?' Now we're too old to take those missed vacations.

Talk to dad before you go letting him know where you are going. Tell him you will take great pictures for him, and get him a couple of souvenirs as a momenta. the break will energize you and make you better able to care for him. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Replenish your cup so you can come back after those 10 days a new person. Too many people neglect themselves and end up getting sick themselves. You deserve a vacation. Take it without worry.

Living in EU w parents in WA (mom w dementia & dad frail at 93), here my practical tips: get a SKYPE account to call fixed fee to USA (not just to LO but anything needs doing), get FaceTime set up & practice, take photos every day 1 or 2 & send to caretakers so they can share w LO. When you return make a nice photo album to share. Guilt is like homesickness- overrated & useless.
ENJOY!

The question I often ask myself when I’m dealing with these guilt issues is this- “ Will I want MY children to give up their lives for me, and in this case, not travel, when I am old?”

So I care for my parents and am there for them like I hope my children will be there for me when the time comes, but I don’t put my life totally on hold for dad and mom.

I just did the same and felt guilty up until the day I left. I put others I trusted in charge of checking in on my mother and the Memory Care AL was notified that I would be out of the country and who to contact if necessary.
I am back now and so very happy I took this time away with my husband and adult children. It was much needed.
My mother didn’t even realize the time had passed any differently than a usual week.
have fun and enjoy yourself

Quit the guilt trip and put your husband first for ten days. He needs this time with you. Your father had his time. You need to realize there are no do overs in life. You won’t get this time with your husband back. Just go on that vacation. You will be glad you did.

Do u have someone close that can go and visit him when ur not there. If u have someone close that u can go with u a few days before so dad can feel like he’s close to u. U can FaceTime him and call him. Enjoy ur trip stay prayed up just let ur dad know ur going on vacation so he doesn’t worry. I think he will be fine.

Do not feel guilty about leaving for 10 days, as you need this time. Have a nice vacation, and send pictures to your dad!

You are very close, and have already suffered from guilt for placing him in a NH.

As polarbear asked, are there family and friends who can visit him while you are gone? Are you an only child?

Everyone's situation is different. But, we've decided not to put our lives on hold for my mother, who is suffering from dementia and is in a nursing home. She has always been incredibly self-centered and tries to guild-trip me (only child) into "taking care of her." I DO handle all of her financial and medical affairs and visit her often when we are in town. I also pay a caregiver to be my eyes and ears when I am not around. But, she won't be living with us, and we travel full-time in our RV now. We are in our 50s and have seen what happens with advanced age. Honestly, you need to get out there and live life while you still can.

First of all, go go go! You deserve it. The guilt is hard, I know, I had to place my dad in NH in June and we went to the beach for a week soon after for an annual trip with friends, and I felt enormous guilt. I did hire his former home caregiver to go visit him every day I was gone so I knew someone was looking out for him, and I also arranged for 2 different sets if cousins to visit while we were away. That helped me feel better. If there's any other family or friends or even church members that can go visit some while you're away, ask and arrange it. Hiring a private caregiver is another option, and I only did that because it was very soon after my dad just moved in to the NH that we went on vacation, so I don't do that anymore. I also called a couple times a day to speak to him. If you have plans in place that others can visit, it will help ease your guilt so you can relax and enjoy your trip.

Unless you are going to cancel the trip and lose all that $$$$, you go, what else???

You go and enjoy your trip having the peace and knowledge that your dad is in good hands and will be just fine while you're away.
So quit with the guilt already! You deserve this time away with your husband as your marriage and husband are WAY more important than your dad.
Have fun!!!

Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that serves no purpose.

You really are close, visiting him everyday, what are you doing to prepare yourself for the inevitable?

No reason for the guilt, go, enjoy your time with your husband, this vacation is well earned and you need some alone time with your husband, he should be your priority in the first place.

Have Fun!

Maria, during each of the 4.5 years that my mom was in a pretty good nursing home, my husband and I took vacations when we could. We went to Paris, Florence, Minnesota and Maine. Had lots of good stuff to show/tell mom when we got back.

Guilt is a very useless and draining emotion. Don't play its game.

Enjoy yourself and come home revived!

You are no good to anyone if you can't be good to yourself sometimes.

Forget about guilt! Come back happy, with lots of nice things to tell Dad about. Ask him what he would like you to check out about - what's changed? Involve him in it so far as you can, so you can report back. Disgruntled returning elders from Oz complain that -it's just like Australia now'. No respect from the younger generation etc,. Is it true? Talk about what's changed!

Is it possible to call or facetime with dad during the vacation?
Are there any friends or relatives who you can ask/pay to visit dad while you're away?

Your dad will be fine. It's only 10 days. Have a relaxing vacation.

You're going to have a good time, rest and rejuvenate, and bring back lots of pictures and stories to share with Dad.

Enjoy! I loved Italy when we went eight years ago.

Drowning out the guilt in some of Italy's famous vineyards?