The guilt of refusing to enable, how do you cope?
I just found out my Dad, who is in the hospital with sepsis, has instructed my 82 year old Mother to set up this weekend at a three day show for my Dads business because he refuses to cancel his booth. Mom has a pace maker and although she does not have dementia she does get confused very easily. She has help to set up and transport the merchandise but she will be manning the booth by herself the whole three days and driving to and from (she is a terrible driver and always has been).
I think they are expecting us to drop everything and help but I absolutely cannot this weekend. I have my own commitments. My siblings are not available either.
This is purely elective on their part but you would think it to be life and death. My Dad has always put money before everything else and Mom just goes along. For example.... it is very possible that the infection he got originated in his gums. He refused to spend money on a dentist. His teeth are all broken and brown and his gums are a mess. He always has money to buy pricey merchandise for his business but he refuses to spend on his health. My folks have gone the last three years with a broken oven because Dad is not willing to buy one. I told them we would try to help out with the cost but he does not want to spend any money at all and we can't afford to buy one for them outright. This is nothing new. When I was a kid we went without hot water in the house for six months because he would not pay a plumber.
I knew this day was coming. My parents have refused to make any kind of plan for their elder years. At the age of 85 my Dad sill talks about his five year business plan. I have two siblings and none of us are in a position to drop our own lives to enable my parents to continue their business the way they want to. Right now they have some modest business assets that they could sell to supplement their SSI and stay in their home but they refuse to even discuss it. Meanwhile they are continuing to pay huge overhead costs while the business flounders and they are going deeper into debt. My siblings and I have tried to talk to my parents about downsizing the business to a more manageable level. I have offered many times to help with that but just bringing the subject up infuriates my Dad.
I am sick over the idea of my Mom doing this show alone. I worry about her driving to and from (but then I always worry about her driving) I worry that she will become confused, this happens when she is stressed. I worry that she will fall down because she gets dizzy off and on. I also know that if I come to their rescue this time they will expect it of me and that enabling this behavior is simply encouraging them to continue along the same lines. It would be putting off the inevitable. I am trying not to feel guilty but it's not easy. How do you cope when you know it's the right thing to say no, but that there might be consequences for your loved ones?
That said, he is bull-headed enough to insist on doing this "his way" even though he is clearly over the hill. There really isn't much you and your sibs can do to force him to liquidate his assets. He hasn't bothered to plan for the past 60 years, so why should he start now? I think all you can do is step back and watch him crash. It's hard. But look at all the worrying and fretting and hand-wringing you're doing over just the weekend show--and there are still months and maybe years that they'll be around, getting weaker and more confused. Draw your lines firmly: I will be glad to take you to doctor appointments, to the grocery store, to pick up medicine (or whatever you're willing to do) but I will NOT be your on-call servant. You are showing love and support for what's best for them, not for what they want.
We went through much the same with our dad for years on end, and when the end came, it was pretty quick and easy. Then we were able to get all his messy affairs straight. Eventually. No matter how much you do, it will never be right, or enough, for your father. Stick to what will actually make a difference. That means that the house is safe, that there's heat and water, food in the fridge, meds refilled. It may take a really drastic event to change the course. Good luck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I signed my Mom up for transportation services which she tried once and hated it because she had to call the day before. She wants to be able to run around at will.
Mom was recently tested for dementia but they say that she does not exhibit the signs. She has always become confused when she gets stressed. She also has a tendency towards explosive anger and hysteria at the drop of a hat. None of this is new, she has been like this my whole life. Dad does not show signs of dementia he is unreasonable and rigid but again, nothing new.
I will talk to my brother again about the driving issue and you are right. If they want to work themselves to death that is their choice. So why do I feel guilty?
It is a process and not an easy one when they are stubborn and resistant. None of us want to lose our independence; but it is what it is. We had to go into my MIL doctor visits with her as she could get away with appearing competent when she was not and we would clarify things to the doctor. She did not like this; but we were done with her bad decisions and action had to be taken. We also pulled the doctor aside and told him exactly what we had been witnessing or what neighbors had seen that was not apparent during a doctor visit. He was most concerned and agreeable. Not all doctors are from what I've heard. He notified the DMV and her license was revoked. She still fought it; we disabled her car - and finally took the car out of the garage - long story. There was h**l to pay, but we were keeping her and others safe.
There are some things you can try to control, some you can't. It seems you are going in the right direction. Hugs to you and take care.
As for the reference to finances shakingdust off, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by our intentions. I would rather not have any involvement in my parents finances whatsoever. Yes, I would like them to make use of what they have to ease their burdens and take better care of their health and my siblings and I did suggest they downsize and sell assets to do that but it was met with total resistance so we backed off. Now we are being asked to come in and enable them to continue running a small business they can no longer manage. That I am unwilling to do.
The way things are going there is a good chance they will go bankrupt but that's not the end of the world. It just means they will have way fewer options in how they want to live out their remaining life.
I hate to recommend sneaky tactics, but from what you write your mother's health is more important than manning (or in this case "womanning") the show. Is there some way someone in your family can just disconnect a wire, or pull a spark plug or something that will prevent the car from starting? If it's something minor that can be done without her knowledge, you or a family member can come over after the show and miraculously fix it. But she'll have a legitimate excuse for not attending the show.
As to the driving, boy do I hear what you and the others are saying! I went through this with my father, cautioning, worrying, but knowing that whatever I said would not prevent him from driving until HE decided not to.
When it happened, the responding police officer was very kind and gentle in telling me that he would recommend to the Secretary of State that Dad's license be rescinded. The thought (and embarrassment?) of this, plus gentle pressure from church members was enough to make Dad stop driving willingly. There was probably also some heavy pressure applied by the man who wasn't present or hurt at the accident, but took it upon himself to cruelly lecture Dad at one of his weakest moments. This guy was like a verbal battering ram!
I do know that medical professionals can make recommendations, so this might be something you can discuss on the "Q-T" with your parents' doctors. That way they won't blame you if their licenses are rescinded.
Back to the show...I think your father is so insistent now that he's ill is exactly because he is ill, and he's challenging that illness by insisting on behaving and running the business as he always had. He's not going to admit any defeat or weakness just because he's sick.
The recognition of declining faculities and limited ability is much harder for some people, especially dominant ones, than for others.
Their financial situation is problematic as well, but I think that the more you and your family try to help, the more he will resist and dig in his heels. He may perceive, and actually subconsciously recognize, that he's not handling the business well, and this reflects on his ego, business acumen, ability to provide, and other male traits. So I would stop mentioning it at all. He'll just get his back up and resist your suggestions.
Maybe you can even turn the tide by demurely acquiescing and tell him that you know he'll do whatever he can to make the right decisions and make the business succesful. Then change the subject.
I'm trying to stabilize a similar situation by refusing to do what I've been doing and insisting that my father needs some home care help. It upsets me to see things the way they are but every time I give in and straighten out the situation, I'm unwillingly encouraging him to rely on me. And I'm tired of trying to get him to agree to fix certain aspects of the house because I know it's just not going to happen.
I've had to take a firm stand, but it isn't easy. I keep reminding myself that I'll probably (hopefully?) be living another 20 years or less and don't want to jeopardize my own health from the stress of caregiving.
Parents can easily manipulate their adult children and make them feel guilty. I think this occurs more as the parents become less able to care for themselves and become worried what will happen to them. Then they consciously or subconsciously create situations that bind their adult children to more caregiving obligations.
Hope this helps, and please let us know how things work out.
I think I might have been able to head off plans for this weekends show. Mom told me that my brother was helping them to arrange help to transport and load/unload. I called him and told him that there is no way Mom could do this and that it would be dangerous for her to even try. My brother agreed and said he would tell my Dad that there was no one available to help load the show in and out.
Chances are Dad is going to pitch a fit over this and Mom and my brother are worried it will set his recovery back but I would rather risk Dad getting upset than enable Mom to do this. I think the greatest risk is to her.
One of you needs to get durable power of attorney NOW before anybody declines any farther, so you can step in and take over at some point, manage the money, pay the bills, get somebody at the insurance company to talk to you about their coverage.....so many things require a POA document. Might not hurt to speak to an attorney about what to do with the business at this point, to make sure the money from it goes to mom & dad's care.
I always say that I never let my toddlers play in the street, even when they pitched a giant, ugly, loud fit over it. I'm not going to let my mother do things that are unsafe even if she pitches a big fat temper tantrum. I tell her to lay on the floor to kick and scream if she likes, but it's not flattering for a woman her age and I won't help her back up if she gets down there.
I talked to my brother and told him I thought that having Mom do this show was asking for trouble and he agreed. Last night he was able to convince Dad.
I wish my Dad would be open to giving my brother POA regarding finances but he is so controlling and paranoid. He is fine with my brother following his instructions to pay bills and such but he refuses to give him any information or access. There is no way Dad would involve his daughters or wife in the finances because he does not believe that is our place. Without mincing words, Dad is an old world misogynist. Yes,he gave my sister medical POA because she is a nurse practitioner and she has him convinced his medical practitioners are incompetent. They are not BTW, he has gotten excellent care.
We side stepped this one but I know it's just the beginning. Thanks again for all your wise words and support.
In defense of the controlled person, I do think that they develop their own coping mechanisms (such as the headache and potential onset of dire consequences) because they too are dealing with people who can be so overwhelmingly dominant, and they too need to protect themselves.
When we have been raised by parents who make poor decisions, it is very hard when their decisions catch up with them. I was trained to rescue. Many of us on here were. We were trained to feel guilty if we did not rescue. We now have to retrain ourselves and really look at what we are feeling. Acknowledge that you feel this feeling. But you can let the feeling go, too, after you acknowledge it.
This is hard stuff we have to face. You are in a difficult situation and I wish you all the best.
I am so glad that my mother turned her Drivers License in for a State ID. Now I admit I did put off getting her new glasses until she went to the BMV first. That is when the teller asked her some questions on her health and suggested an ID instead of a drivers license or she could bring a paper from her doctor's and get new glasses before she comes back.
I like what you said about guilt cmwrinle1. I was raised believing that it was sinful and selfish to even talk about my own needs. However there was a huge double standard with that in my family. Maybe because I was the oldest or maybe it was just a personality thing but my Mother berated me 24/7 about my failures to look to the needs of others. When I asked her why she did not hold my adult siblings up to the same standards she told me I was the strong one and that they could not help themselves. I needed to be more understanding. Well I'm not so strong and trying to live up to that has taken it's toll both physically and mentally.
I am learning to set boundaries, not tolerate abusive behavior and to recognize my limits. I'm doing much better with that but I still feel guilty. Hopefully that will dissipate in time.
See if you can sit down with them and explain your concerns; particularly the consequences to Mom. If they want to go ahead as planned, it's on them. You're still going to feel guilty no matter what happens, but at least you made your position clear. Refuse to enable, and stick to your guns.
lol, just when I think I've made real progress, I feel pulled back in (just like in Godfather III, haha!). I am so sleep deprived this morning. Been tossing and turning, up all night trying to figure out how to resolve a very straightforward issue (canceling a credit card that my mother no longer uses, but still keeps in her wallet). The song and dance I have to give the customer service person. Yes, I have POA and am listed on the account, but try explaining that to someone who's script says that they need to get verbal authorization from the primary card-holder! I guess the fact that the primary card holder doesn't understand at all doesn't matter. Sheesh!!!!! Anyway, I got that part taken care of.
NOW, I get to do a sneaky little tap dance around my mother's wallet when I visit in a few days. She must not see me take the card out of her wallet or she'll flip out.
I'm so sick of bowing down and cowering to her ego! Knowing that if my maneuvers don't go as planned, I'll be the enemy, trying to take advantage of HER. Excuse me, but I'm pretty sure it's the other way around!!!
Thanks for listening.
But hey, if the card is cancelled, maybe just leave it in there? or is she likely going to manage to use it if you do? I quietly collected my mom's QVC card from her at one point, as she would still occasionally manage to place a phone order (mostly she would misdial) and wanted to order more of stuff we already could not give away, and she never mentioned it/would not have admitted she'd "misplaced" it. I think we left her a checkbook with a couple checks in it, but she was not able to correctly fill one out. She had been insisting on keeping the big one she used to pay bills from unsecured in a small flowered suitcase and that made me nervous, but she kept her purse by her all the time. Bittersweet memories to say the least.
It's getting it out of her wallet which will be tough.
Some times people are more *visual* then *listeners*.... you can tell them over and over you cannot help out and it goes in one ear out the other. Outfit your Mom with a cane, use the dizziness as the reason why.... that is usually a game changer. Maybe then and only then will your Dad understand they both are getting older. It worked for me to convince my Dad, that at my age of 68, I can no longer help him lift heavy stuff and no longer drive them all over kingdom come.
That way there won't be stress on your Mom and she can continue to still keep driving locally to get groceries, shopping, errands, etc. Otherwise, someone else will have to drive her and you don't want to get into that loop. Let her drive for as long as she can drive safely since the stress will be off her.
Now, all I need to do is to get MY dad to pay more attention to his teeth and to spring for a new dishwasher for their kitchen.
It doesn't make them happy, but I can't help it.
I agree with everything that is written here. People will try to use your emotions - especially if you are a thoughtful person - to get you to do things that they want.
My problem is that I worry too much about what other people think - like the neighbors who see me refuse to lift a heavy limb for my father because my back is already hurting, or someone who hears me tell my mother that I am not buying another facial product until she uses up the sixteen bottle that she already has!
Hang in there and do what YOU know you need to do.