How do I get over the guilt of wanting to be romantically involved with someone other than my husband with dementia?

Jules, you have nothing to apologize for. Know that with caregiving, comes isolation and lonliness. Some caregivers have their spouses that stay, some have had spouses leave while caregiving for parents. Your spouse is who you are providing care for - the one that should be your go to person. I think Bobbie already invited you over to the Grossed Out thread. You should try it sometime. I know I have found people there who truly understand the struggles that are inherent in caregiving and want to support and care for each other. I feel blessed to have met them and honestly don't know what I would do without them now.

I apoligize for posting such a question and stirring everything up. Never been to this sight before until I posted the question. I have not done anything to feel guilty about. Just thinking it. Feeling bad for thinking the way I do. I thank everyone for their input. Got alot to think about.

Puts me in mind of H.L. Menchen speaking of "the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy".

I hope with all my heart you are able to find some solace and happiness Jules. Goodness knows your asking for some guidance re romance sure stirred up some passions here!

One last thing. I think the part that's been missed is Jules does not say she is or even wants to be romantically involved in reality. All she's really asking is how does she get over feeling guilty even thinking or fantasizing about being romantically involved. Some of her family have been suggesting she act upon this. Who here can say they have never fantasized of being romantic with someone else - think movie stars in romantic movies, the main character in romance novels. This woman is struggling and the last thing she needs is a human judging her.

My understanding, my opinion of religion is not talking the talk, but walking the walk and that means accepting others, whether or not you agree with their thoughts, ideas, opinions, race, creed, etc, etc, etc. I take offense to you thinking you are on a "higher plane" or know what "decency" is as opposed to at least some, if not all, of the rest of us. Jules, this will be my last post because I am choosing to "walk on a higher plane". Good luck with your situation.

Funny how redefining terms is always self-serving. Of course, "right" and "wrong" are relevant - by the way that request was rhetorical. " . . .remorse for being unable to accomplish what is presumably expected?" Remorse is sorrow for having already done something that one regrets having done. Oh wait, let me guess, you're redefining "remorse," too? While you're at it, why don't you just redefine everything? Jules wants justification. She wants to know that there are people in her camp - for whom standards are relative. She wants to make sure that "right" and "wrong" do not apply in her case, that way her guilt vanishes. It's all relative to the situation, and if "right" is the least bit inconvenient, then let's throw that out, too. I cannot for the life of me understand why traditional wedding vows do not include " . . . for better or until I get a better deal." Or, "I'll honor these vows for as long as it is MY best interest." Heaven forbid that any of us should ever have to sacrifice for the ones we vowed to cherish - nope, spouses are usable commodities to be thrown away, cast aside when they are no longer useful. Incidentally, where is hubby supposed to be while Jules is enjoying her new relationship? With a sitter?

I may have to turn off notifications for this thread. You people are tearing it up!
The way I read the thread was that Jules already wants to be romantically involved with someone other than her husband who is suffering with dementia. She has already had these thoughts/possibly already taken the action and wants help dealing with the guilt. Unfortunately even though we may nitpick and fight with each other we cannot help her deal with guilt, we can only offer advice.
I agree with KarenTaylor regarding the meaning of guilt but I would change it to say -guilt usually implies that someone is contemplating or has already done something that they feel is wrong. If you don't feel like you want or did something wrong, you don't feel guilty.
In any case since she asked for feedback here, she has certainly received it and since she is the one that has to make the decision she has plenty of advice to work with now.

You are wrong. "Guilt" as used in this context implies a feeling of remorse for being unable to accomplish what is presumably expected. "Right" and "wrong" are not relevant in this case. Consider yourself corrected as per your request, KarenTaylor.

As for your last sentence, it never ceases to amaze me that there is a particular segment of society, usually seen/heard in the check-out line at WalMart, who honestly believes that everybody uses such language. The people to whom I refer use profanity as though it were acceptable language for all and cannot possibly entertain the notion that for mainstream, decent folks, it is offensive and considered to be sub-standard. Personally, I find it trashy and beneath me. I guess that means I'm narrow-minded. Yes, narrow is the mind that disallows profanity in the home and in the mind -- because I have established higher standards. Yep, that's me. Go figure - there's actually someone for whom decency matters a great deal. Why? Because I choose to walk on a higher plane - as opposed to some who don't even know a higher plane even exists. As for Jules, whom this thread is about in the first place, I think she knows what is and is not the right thing to do. It is evidenced in her own words: guilt. Correct me if I'm wrong - but guilt usually implies that someone is contemplating or has already done something wrong. Jules did not want to know what was right and what was wrong - she already knows that. Jules wanted help "getting over" guilt. Guilt is not something that one "gets over." It's there for a purpose - to remind us of a transgression. The passage of time may alleviate the effects of guilt, but it always has a way of rearing its ugly head. Forgiveness is about the only way to deal with guilt-- that and not engaging in the wrong behavior in the first place. What a novel idea in today's culture of "You go girl, you do anything you want to do because you "deserve" to." How lame.

karentaylor, you said you are not divorced and never will be?? Never say never. Who goes into marriage thinking it won't last?? Most do not. But sh*t happens.

Ya true that.
Jules, baby, it's going to be ok... and I mean it.
Take what you need and drop the rest. and thanks for that hug a day or so ago. You are a sweetheart and you are in an untenable position. Anyone who tells you differently hasn't walked it all the way to the end.
Get help, get out now and again and get healthy. There's a bunch of us cheering for you. You'll do what you think is right no matter what any of us say and that's pretty much the end of it. We love you sister.
lovbob

Jules - I don't generally venture onto other blogs here but several from Grossed have crossed over so I thought I would too. So many people believe that divorce is the easy way out of a marriage. I am divorced and I can attest that it was the hardest thing, short of my daughter being physically abused by a babysitter, that I had to deal with in my life. You chose not to divorce your husband despite his infidelity. He was in earlier times nor is he still the man you thought you married. Life is very short. If you can find, not necessarily even romance, but someone who can SHARE your life with you, more power to you. It took me a long time but I have found that person for me and my only regret is that we didn't find each other sooner.

The poor woman is lonely, frightened, worn out and confused and she gets moralizing and criticizing, but considering the issue, one wouldn't expect anything else really...? Sex and values and morality...hmm may as well add politics and away we go. And you can't say we are not talking religion after you imply it with: "Where do you think your morality comes from?" Hmm dust?

don't.... you'll get me going again.....

Dude...

ROTFL!!!!!! OMG!!
woof woof!

Ok, Socrates. That's pronounced: So-Crates, as stated in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
You need to start your own thread on the Dogma Channel.
Woof.

Any wonder this one is so hard. "till death do us part" and "in sickness and in health" running up against an illness that literally has you mourning for a loved one who is not yet dead, but certainly not alive either. I hope you can find the right answer for YOU. Peace.

well said bobbie! Jules, ignore the rhetoric and follow your heart.

Morality, like Truth, must be absolute, lest it not exist at all. It's the very nature and definition of morality to be based upon a standard that is significant. It cannot be here today and gone tomorrow - by its own admission. For a person to appoint him/herself the "definer" of terms that are self-defining is foolish. Just because you say something, doesn't make it so. If morality is not based on a value system that is greater than ourselves, then what is it based on? If the standard is not higher than us, then who is allowed to appoint themselves standard-maker? And what if one standard-maker is in conflict with another? This is philosophical reasoning and as such requires logic and thought.

Jeeze,
Jules, I feel for you big time and I just read this entire thread. Wow.
Sorry you had to hear some of this and I know that I am going to get smacked for this but hey....
find a nice man and become friends and when the time is right hit the hay with him and lay there after and be held. The tears will stream down your cheeks and you will know that you did the right thing even in the face of all of this judgement.

Life is for the living and in one of my favorite movies there's a line:
Get busy livin or get busy dyin.
Shawshank Redemption.

If I was the one drooling and crapping my diapers I could only pray that the one taking care of me was being taken care of herself.

lovbob

There is a difference between "inconvenient" and "detrimental" and clearly we do not agree on what that difference is. You can make all the promises you want but sometimes any given promise may become impossible to keep.

I don't know what you are looking for, but modern societies are no longer homogeneous even in the definitions of morality.

Hey Emjo, nice to see your EYES for a change!! Whoo Hoo!!!
Girls, I think Jules is doing great and I have a feeling that she has gotten helpful, positive feedback. She is a great lady with a special set of circumstances--just like each of us.
I feel badly, however, for those who are over the edge with stress that they come across hateful and desperate. Those whom we would shun are the ones that need us the most. We can offer help, but if it is rejected, we need to move on. Skirting the issue or ignoring the person is not helpful.
I would just like to say to karentaylor, I am sorry for your angst, and I wish you peace in your life. Many people here venting to save their lives, and I hope you are finally able to to that very soon. Please take care and be kind to yourself.

emjo, nope, my post was not directed to you but to those who are judgmental based on a narrow minded set of religious rules that not everyone accepts.

@PCVS - my comment was addressed at jules, the originator of this thread and her comment just before mine. As your post came right after my post, I gather some of it is addressed to me. I have not suggested that everyone share or should share the same beliefs - just supporting jules as she goes through this very difficult situation,

Oh, by the way, your original question was something about getting over the guilt of wanting to seek romance outside your marriage. That's an easy one. You should only feel guilty if you act on it. Just choose not to, and the guilt is a moot point. Guilt will be replaced by a sense of honor - knowing you chose the High Road.

If each of us based our own behavior on what others do, where would we be? No better than them, that's where. We each are responsible for our own actions REGARDLESS of others' actions. That your husband had affairs in the past should not influence what you do now. Am I one of those persons who should "clean my house?" I'm not divorced, nor will I ever be. And I'm not "starting on your house." Seems you have 2 choices. Leave your husband or stay. Simple as that. And that's the neat thing about RIGHT and WRONG; it's black and white. You don't have to try and "figure things out." Personally, I choose to keep my mother here, and care for her til the end, because she is my mother, she needs me, she took care of me, I love her, AND I'm teaching my son to care for me someday, if it comes down to that. We live in a society where casting off the elderly and infirm is too easy. And I realize that sometimes it's necessary, but our society has made it "the thing to do."

Doing something healthy for your state of mind, as long as it does not hurt anyone else is not an evil thing. Marriage is not this huge sacred thing but rather a commitment between two hopefully compatible caring people. It is not essential that a person give up her sanity just because she is married to an ill person. One does the best one can but emotional suicide is certainly not a virtue.

That said, I am not advocating a complete abandonment of the confused spouse with nary any foresight or compassion. Sometimes it becomes impossible to continue in the same path when it becomes a path of self-destruction. A sane person tries to find healthy alternatives and sometimes that means a radical change.

(((((jules)))) It doesn't mean life is easy. The picture of what you are looking at in your hubby's decline is a tough one. One day at a time for sure and come here and get support. ♥♥♥ Joan

Linda, You are absolutely correct. I'm trying to keep my emotions in tow and do what is right. Sometimes I doubt myself on being able to do this when it gets worse. And he will get worse. The way they explained it. His brain will eventually start shutting down his limbs and organs. They said 2 to 10 years. We are going on 4 now. I pray all the time. I'm not real good at it but I try. One Day At A Time!