How do I get over the guilt of wanting to be romantically involved with someone other than my husband with dementia?

First, you are not alone. I'd suggest you read "Jan's Story" by Barry Peterson. Peterson relates his own love story in a book that reads like a novel. His beloved wife developed early on-set dementia, and he went through exactly what you are going through. There are many people in your shoes. Counseling may help you figure out your way forward. Only you can make the decision, but please research it so you feel okay with whatever your choice is. There are other books, I'm sure, but this one is excellent. Good luck,
Carol

I truly feel for you and want you to know my prayers are with you. With or without the romantic element, touch, tenderness and feeling loved are so essential to human wellbeing. I found myself in that position when only in my 20's because my husband at the time suffered from depression and wanted nothing to do with me.

One option may be to have the marriage desolved and for you to simply be his caretaker/Power of Attorney and so forth. Then you would be legally free to date and meet others also in need of affection, nurturing and love.

It may be untraditional to do something like this, but your sanity, well being and quality of life are just as important as your husband's. A compromise may be the way to go.

Best of luck,
Jenny

Boy, do I know what you mean! I was 58 when my husband developed dementia.

Questions of ethics and loyalty aside, I can't imagine when I'd have time for an affair! I barely have time to sleep, let alone have time to find someone else to sleep with. It just sounds like too much work. :)

I think Carol is right. Think through your decision carefully. You are the only one who can decide what is right in this situation.

get a puppy. puppies likes to give kisses. read your bible. there are several love stories in there. AND there is Nothing wrong with going to movies or out to dinner with the girls, they give hugs. REMEMBER he is not dead. you gave your Marriage VOW. hang your Marriage Certificate on the Wall.

I really can understand your feelings and emotional need. My sister died 3 months ago from Emphysema. Her last 5 years were just surviving. Her husband took care of her but they had separate bedrooms for at least the last 8 years of her life and even though she could speak to him there was absolutely no romance or cudding because she was bedridden. I use to feel bad for my brother in law because I know he desperately needed someone to talk intimately and enjoy activities out of the house. Even companionship for a meal or a movie. I don't know how he handled it or if he did find companionship elsewhere but if so I know he would have felt very guilty about it. That is the problem with seeking something elsewhere, you will still have the guilt, then if you meet someone that you like...what then?
It is tough and I am not sure how I would handle it myself, but my prayers are with you for sure. By the way....if you get a dog get one big enough to cuddle on the couch watching tv!

A difficult situation for sure! But we all have our needs and I think it is important to have companionship --- I am aware that it is very difficult in this kind of situation to not give in to our human needs and desires. Have you tried turning all those feelings into more creative ones like writing, painting, etc. Meditate on it! If you have done something....don't be ashamed, face it, forgive and go on. I really think the most important thing is to take good care of your spouce and at the same time take good care of yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. Meditation can help get rid of all types of stress and most people who meditate find this to be true. I know from experience that sometimes what we really need is a hug and to know that someone cares about us while we are pouring out our love and energies to make someone else happy or as their caregiver. We have needs and we count too! My best wishes to you...sending you love and a great big hug!

YOU don't FIX it. Just keep taking care of him. You married him for better or worse, so what did you think this would mean? so its the worse now, "Get over it." You will not regret it. find other things to do to occupy your life for happiness. God will take care of the rest... HIS way. Take care and may God help you every day.

I feel for you---I am 59--and we aren't dead yet! BUT, as JudyC and tigerlily suggest, get a puppy! I have a Beagle, Snoopy, who is very affectionate and loves to sleep with my husband and I. I know that you are probably thinking that we are nuts, but think of the alternative of the guilt you would eventually feel if you strayed from your spouse. Your wedding vows were for SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH---not just the good and easy times.

I was separated about age 53 and felt the loss. It is manageable. Frankly, it is not as if you can tumble into bed with someone and get what I think you are looking for -that requires relationship. He did not divorce me for 15 years and I had not so much as a cup of coffee with a man as I was still married and took my vows seriously. Once we were divorced, I then considered whether or not I was open to another relationship. Bless God, I met a very nice man and we are doing well building a relationship that both of us want to be permanent. Nonetheless my boundaries remain for now. That being said, I have empathy for you - been there and know it is not easy. But then, no one said it would be.

Hey Jules, very tough feelings. We do tend to dwell on that which we don't have, then we become obsessed with the thoughts. You might be starting to feel a bit sorry for yourself:( I would, too. Don't be hard on yourself. I don't know about a puppy, but I'm not a dog person-- how much poop do you want to clean up every day? Haha-- kind of kidding! What do you think HE would want for you? What would you want HIM to do in the reverse situation? When we truly love someone, we release them. I don't care for the "fire and brimstone" attitude of some holier than thou individuals, and don't let anyone Shame you! That is primitive and ignorant. You can fantasize, you can read romance novels, etc.I think I would pray about it to your God, consider all your options, then do what makes you happy. Perhaps the love and relationship you once experienced with your
husband will sustain you when you dwell on that aspect, or maybe not. However you resolve your dilemma, I wish you much love and peace:) hugs, Christina

jules5318 I'm new here but may as well start by expressing my honest opinion - and disagreeing with some of the other posts.

Sex is important. It is more important to some folks than to others, becoming an afterthought to many people once they reach a certain age. But not to all - and to those people it remains a very basic need in the grand scheme of things.

We are sexual beings. It is our biology and our nature and nothing to be ashamed of. And all the puppies and bible classes and meditation in the land won't substitute for a lover's touch. I notice no one mentioned masturbation . . . why not? It is a release of tension if nothing else, and not merely the purview of adolescent boys.

Meantime, if what you are looking for/missing/longing for is romantic love (and with that a sexual relationship), I agree with the poster who suggested you 'make it legal'. See a lawyer, make sure your caretaker arrangements are in order, and talk about a legal separation BEFORE you actively seek such a relationship.

You do owe a duty to your husband, and I have a great respect for marriage vows. (I've been married nearly 30 yrs), But I believe you also owe a duty to yourself to take happiness where you can find it in this life. Good luck to you. Hugs.

For people in an active marriage, I agree that severing one set of ties before moving into other relationships is appropriate and healthiest. This is certainly what I would advise my granddaughter who is having marriage problems: Resolve the marriage one way or the other. Give it your whole attention. Only if you end the marriage should you feel free to seek other relationships. Life gets way too complicated otherwise.

BUT ... a caregiver/dependent relationship is a different kettle of fish. You are never going to "resolve" the problems of that relationship. The change in the nature of the relationship is nobody's fault. I see no need to take legal steps to dissolve the relationship. The relationship is what it is. What is this compulsion to "make it legal"? I truly do not get it. I cannot imagine gathering our 5 kids together (the youngest is 40) and announcing that I'm legally separating from their father, but don't worry, I'll continue to take good care of him. Huh? I guess this would be to supposedly absolve me of guilt for having another relationship. Better, I think, to go quietly about whatever outside friendships you feel good about (with or without sex) without drawing public attention to the situation by taking legal action.

I definitely endorse masturbation, but I also understand it may not fill the caregiver's need for companionship and intimacy.

The last two posters offer great advice. In the end you need to do what is necessary for your own well being, both physical and emotional. I go monthly to a caregivers support group offered free by the local VNA. Anything said there is in the strictest confidence. If there is one near you, you might try talking with the people there just to have some vocal input and sympathy.

Whatever your decision, make it yours, not someone else telling you what is right.

Divorcing your husband or having an affair will not solve your loneliness. Is there anyway someone could be hired to come in and get a break so that you can spend some time with your friends and family or would it be possible to put him in a nursing home? He does not sound like he is in the state of mind to legally give you durable and medical POA, if you don't already have these. I think your family members should be giving you a break instead of encouraging you to have an affair or get a divorce. I think one question that you could ask yourself is "would you want him to divorce you or have an affair on you if you were in his state?" I'm not a therapist, but I would strongly encourage you to see one.

Thank You for your advice. I have considerd that. I don't think I could handle the guilt. I would not be looking for sex. Just someone to talk to and have fun with. It's human nature to want to be told your special, or your still appealing. Someone to go bowling or a movie with. That's all I would be looking for.

Hi Jules, good to get your feedback after all the ideas and support:) Do you go to a grief group? My girlfriend whose 70 years old husband has advanced Alzheimer's goes to one every week and has made some great friends--all spouses, men and women, and they all get together once a week. All the best to you, dear one.
Hugs, Christina

I live in a small town. There are no support groups. In the 32 years of marriage with my spouse he has had 6 confirmed affairs. He's never had guilt over them. Just told me to go find someone but don't bring them home. I have never been able to live like that. I have morals. At least I hope I do! Just so damn lonely! Not for sex. I do have a toy! He was a truck driver and hardly ever home. I can't bring myself to do what he did just out of revenge. Just lonely!!!! Everyone has given great advice and I really appreciate it. Sometimes it feels like a breakdown is not far away.

I understand now:) I am in California and we are a very big town, so I cannot relate to the small town thing, but I have seen movies about it. haha. Well, you don't want permission to get revenge, but your added information does paint a clearer picture.
I have been posting here on Aging Care since December 2010, and I have made the very best friends of my entire life. I have no restrictions and do have other acquaintances, but THESE PEOPLE mean more to me than anyone. I would get more involved here with us. Very safe:) Bug Hugs, Christina

Thanks christina, I think I will. Just got to brush up on my typing and spelling skills. HAA! Whenever I take him to his numerous doctors they say they can't counsel me because I'm not VA. But they do ask how I'm holding up. With his disabilities I have no insurance at all. Can't get a job because he requires 24/7 care. His income is 238.00 to much for me to qualify for anything. I can't build my social security for my future. I can't bring myself to divorce him just to get medicaid. However, had a breakdown one day and called our Govenors office for a program to get paid for caring for him. I ended up with a Rehab Bathroom. Would like to get a job though......

Like I said before I definitely have empathy for your plight but the problem with what you suggest is that it leads somewhere else. Another words, going out with a woman friend to a movie or bowling gives companion ship and laughter, but if you insist that you need the companionship from a man you will be on a slippery slope. If you have made that decision then you don't need our permission even though many of us can understand the issue.

Nice photo, Jules:) very sweet. Huggles.

I gather from the extra information that you do not have medical or possibly durable POA for your husband and that is why the doctor's refuse to give you advice? That's a good reason to find another doctor who will give you some advice. Not many would stay in a marriage for 32 years with 6 confirmed affairs, but my gut impression is that you have probably felt trapped in this marriage more than anything else. Was he abusive? It sounds to me like the marriage was over long ago. I"m not saying that is grounds for divorce now, but just an observation.

Jules, if all you're NOT looking for sex, then I'd suggest getting out on a regular basis with your girlfriends and having fun. Get someone to sit with your husband and do girl stuff till you're 'blue in the face' if you want to. As far the whole looking for another man idea, the first thing that came to my mind was, if the roles were reversed, would I want MY husband out looking for another woman? The answer for me, NO. He can wait till I'm dead.

Ah, you want a best friend, not romance, then. Much easier, I think. Join a caregivers support group and makes friends. Go out for coffee afterwards. You'll see a world of difference then.

I say if you need girlfriends to do things with OR a boyfriend - go for it and feel no guilt. You are going above and beyond as it is.

If I were in that position (dementia)- I would NOT want my spouse to give up their life for mine.

If you feel "robbed" of your happiness, then perhaps your happiness is founded in only those situations that are ideal. One person responded, " . . . but please research it so you feel okay with whatever your choice is." "Feel okay?" Whatever happened to "For better or worse" or "In sickness and health?" The very idea of thinking if you research your decision enough, you might find some justification and end up "feeling okay." Right and wrong are not based on our feelings. Actually, our feelings are shaky at best. You'd be better off basing your decision on the intellect -- on knowing what is right. If taking care of the one you had decided to spend your life with is what is before you right now, then do it, and do it well. Surely, you would not even consider abandoning him because it's inconvenient or because of your feelings. My goodness, I hadn't even considered that with my 90 year old mother - you mean I could abandon her because it's inconvenient to do all the things involved in taking care of her? Because of my feelings? And to think, I didn't even take any vows to care for her. You do what's right -- even when it isn't self-serving. That way you can sleep at night and hold your head high during the day.

Whoa whoa whoa Jules is working it out! You go, Jules!
Going to get more involved with Aging Care threads and make some safe friends! Whoo Hoo!! We love encouragement and support here, no judgments!
That's what it's all about!
Best if one is having a bad day to keep the slinging arrows in the quiver, so as not to create a quiver in the chin:)
Hugs All Around, Christina

You are married? Yes!! Get over this and stand by your man!

What if Jules was 86 and seeking male companionship? Would that be OK?
What if she were 21? What if her husband had bashed his head on their honeymoon and was kept alive in a coma for the next 50 yrs? Would a puppy and bible class be the answer?
----
I believe in marriage AND the sanctity of the vows we make. I've been married nearly 30 yrs and we've been through most everything together. But I would never want my husband to quit living HIS life were I to become unable to live mine as his best friend, companion and lover. I would WANT him to find what happiness he could.
That doesn't mean he'd kick me to the corner - it means he would adjust his life to make room for someone else that could fulfill the needs I was no longer able to..

Its all situational. We each have to make the decision that is right for us, and that gives us the most peace. Life is short - we find happiness where we can.

Mariesmom, I have noticed in several instances that when certain inflammatory remarks are made on various threads, when you visit the poster's wall, it is their ONLY comment and they have NO other activity. FYI, GF:) like ringing the doorbell and running, if you get my drift.